Airborne

Airborne

Year of Release: 2012
Genre: Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 3.8 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium – High
Breast-O-Meter: 0 /5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

It’s a rare thing for me to be left utterly dumbfounded by a movie. Amused? Sometimes. Confused? Occasionally. Angry? Fairly often. But dumbfounded is a feeling only brought on by particular kinds of movies, and Airborne just happens to be one of those movies. It starts off as a simplistic post-911 action thriller, but somehow, through various twists and turns, lands up being a pseudo-mythological, demonic possession movie. It’s quite astounding, really. And then there’s the foreboding. This movie has more dramatic foreboding in it than the Twilight movies had stares. The only way it could have been less subtle is if they had a full orchestra go into full swing every time the camera settled on someone’s face. Don’t believe me? Then read on, dear reader, and for the truly brave, perhaps you can give it a watch.

Don't ask, don't tell (him about his atrocious shoes).

Don’t ask, don’t tell (him about his atrocious shoes).

It’s a frightfully stormy day in Merry Old England, and due to an approaching storm (which, by the looks of the radar images we’re shown from time to time, appears to be a hurricane larger than the British Isles) all flights out of Heathrow have been cancelled. All except one, of course. Onto this plane assembles the largest group of misfits you can imagine: soldiers fresh off a tour in Iraq and accused of using excessive force, an Godfather-type and his two cronies, a raging alcoholic, a doctor accused of malpractice, and a sudden replacement air steward that no one has ever met. Oh yeah, and that mysterious crate that gives off funny noises and occasionally jumps around that’s under the special protection of the British government. With all of this to consider, what could possibly go wrong?

No sir, I don't know how the containers of foreboding leaked into the movie.

No sir, I don’t know how the containers of foreboding leaked into the movie.

The flight starts out nicely enough. The alcoholic awakens with a raging hangover, the Godfather behaves in a typically refined-yet-thuggish manner, and two randy love birds get it on in a tiny bathroom. It’s exactly the sort of thing you’d expect on such a midnight flight. But something is terribly amiss. You know this because the love birds land up being bludgeoned to death and the plane makes a mysterious and unreported change in flight path. Not that flight control back in Britain seems to be overly alarmed. Apparently it’s quite normal for planes to change direction and go to Florida instead of New York without checking in with anyone. Back on the plane, people are starting to disappear at an alarming rate, and even our motley crew of passengers knows that people do not simply disappear while you’re flying however-many-thousands of feet above the ground.

What demonically possessed eyes you have.

What demonically possessed eyes you have.

The foreboding is cranked into high gear when suddenly, and for no apparent reason, the most top secretist agents in all of Britain take over the flight control centre and threaten to have the Americans blow the plane out of the sky unless they can get someone to respond. Back on the plane, a hostage situation develops over the content of the crate, which turns out to be a Chinese vase worth over $ 10 million. But something isn’t adding up about this hostage situation: the two hostage takers cannot account for all the dead people, which means that something else has been killing off the passengers (and the pilots) while they weren’t looking. Hypothetically this third-party may or may not be the spirit of a Chinese deity that was imprisoned in the vase and is busy looking for a human host that he can possess. Once this has hypothetically happened and he has found the ideal host he will be able to take over the world and fulfill the Mayan 2012 Doomsday prophecy. Can our hapless group of hostages stand up to the might of an ancient Chinese deity and save the world from absolute destruction? Probably not: the foreboding’s gonna slow them down too much.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • Britain’s just a breeding ground for conspicuous Godfather-types.
  • Britain’s also home to several pockets of irritatingly chatty, global warming-obsessed geography teachers.
  • Air stewards must be proficient in mixing drinks and performing sleeper holds.
  • If a drunk irritates them enough, flight stewards can be made to break standard health and safety procedures.
  • Complimentary drinks are usually all it takes to quell an uprising of plane passengers.
  • Most air stewardesses know which two wires to cross to make a plane just drop out of the sky.
  • The Chinese gods and Mayan priests were in cahoots when it came to the 2012 prophecy.

AIRBORNE TRAILER

BUY AIRBORNE AT AMAZON.COM

Posted on May 4, 2013, in Awful Level: High, Awful Level: Medium and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 12 Comments.

  1. backlashcomix

    Haha, this is truly a terrible movie. The dialogue, the acting, the plot etc. everything is bad. I’m always interested in finding out how something like this is financed, especially when Britain barely has a film industry at all, and apparently the main geniuses behind this masterpiece being produced are the guy seated next to the supposed American and the “American” himself, who directed it as well. So it can’t be just a coincidence that these two are also the worst actors in the entire film; they are pure shit across the board (Although they should get some respect for managing to dupe anyone into investing in this steaming pile of turd.) Another behind the scenes name that comes up is Billy Murray, who plays the MI6 (I think) guy that orders around a fat Luke Skywalker in the control room, and who voiced Captain Price in Call Of Duty. Surprisingly this actor has an amazingly sexy daughter called Jaime Murray who’s starred in Dexter and most currently Defiance for TV, which I say is a surprise because his face resembles a scrotum. Anyway, I’m glad that I’m not the only person to have seen this entertainingly dire movie, but I’d like to point out that there are a pair of boobs briefly exposed in the mile-high club shots, although if you’re rating the film on a level of gratuitous exposure then I can understand the 0/5 breast-o-metre mark up.
    One last point that stuck out about the film was that the lead Air stewardess was played by an actress/model named Gemma Atkinson, who if you’re American you won’t know, but here in the UK she’s a C-list former soap-star, and the “producers” obviously got her into the cast to appeal to her male fans. However, they made absolutely no use of the moderatly famed body that she flaunts everywhere else, and instead gave her a frumpy fitting uniform which left her lumbering around the set just looking kind of big. Haha, what a shit film.

    • I missed a breast? I’m usually have ninja-like skills when it comes to spotting them. I must have blinked at that one opportune moment and missed it. I’m also fairly sure Lead Air Hostess has been in some other things that I’ve watched, because she has one of those unremarkable looks that still seems rather familiar when I saw her.

      This wasn’t the worst thing I’ve seen, not by a long shot, but it must get points for making the biggest and most outrageous leap in terms of what it starts out as and how it finishes.

      Thanks for reading!

  2. backlashcomix

    No, it’s wasn’t the worst. The truly bad films I see are ones that are just plain boring, and this one even had a fair budget (sort of) and maybe too much ambition considering the lack of talent behind the scenes. Not to mention covert blink and miss tits.
    Interestingly or not, the writer seems to have previously written only for “comedy” tv shows featuring Russ Abbot and Brian Connley (Who are 2 shite British comics from over 10 years ago if you understandably hadn’t heard of them), so it could explain the laughably bad script.

    • While all of this surely does count against the movie, you sometimes have to deeply admire the sheer audacity in certain film makers: despite having no talented actors, no experience in the genre, not enough budget to actually make it work, poor ideas AND a distinct lack of open breastedness, they still plow on and make the movie anyway.

  3. backlashcomix

    It’s true, and I’m really not sure how they get their money back. I certainly didn’t spend anything for the “privilege” of watching it, and if you didn’t either then that makes up at least half of their total fanbase. All I can see is that they somehow get it on to a pay per view channel, and that by simply having a well designed cover & intriguing synopsis, enough people are gullible enough to buy it on a wim from there or Amazon. To be honest it’s actually inspiring that these guys got an investment of $1,200,000 (IMDB estimated) and still have more films in production. More inspiring than the idea of Steven Spielberg and George Lucas spending $185,000,000 (IMDB estimated) on Indiana Jones & the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, and ultimatly coming up with a product which was just as bad.

    • I might be in a minority, but I believe the best b-grade movies are the ones that are made on a decent budget. Any fool can make a terrible movie if they have $1000, a camera, and a free weekend, but when you have a bigger budget it just makes the cheese that little bit more delightful to watch. And if they have more movies in development, I’ll probably watch at least a few of them. I guess that’s how they make their money – fools like me who like to torture themselves for reasons that don’t entirely make sense.

  4. backlashcomix

    That’s a good point, nowadays it seems that a lot of movies are either studio produced with a moderate/high budget, leaving them stuck in the PG-13/12A classification to maximise profits but limit the type of content, or they are made on such a shoestring that they can’t even afford to make the movie enjoyable. And found footage films for example (which have for a part managed to cross-over) can’t really get any cheaper to make but I find them unwatchable. When you see their surprisingly high budgets condering how shit they are, most of it must’ve gone on marketting. It was quite interesting watching “Screaming in High Heels – The rise and fall of the scream queen” documentary (which is worth watching if you haven’t) because it deals with the changes from drive-in B-movies, then video nasties to pretty much now.

    • This is why, although they’re mainly cannon fodder and dead easy to review, I love things that the Syfy channel and, to a slightly lesser degree, The Asylum make, purely because they’re purposely ridiculous but made by companies with the means to throw a little money behind them.

      Like many things there are some really good found footage movies, but everyone else has cashed in on the craze so you really have to wade through some crap to find them.

      Gonna get hold of that documentary, been meaning to watch it for a while now.

  5. backlashcomix

    Point me towards some good ones if you can, because I think it’s one of the only unique genres that have been injected into film over past decade or so and has potential, yet any ones I’ve had the patience to watch have been shittier than a blocked toilet. (I’ve only seen Blair Witch, Paranormal 1 & 2, Apollo 18)
    But yea it’s a good documentary, Michelle Bauer’s my favourite out of the 3 I think.

    • Neah, I’m a hard and fast Linnea Quigley fan, but all three of them are awesome.

      Well, the ones you listed, apart from Apollo 18 (haven’t seen it), are about as good as it gets, so if you didn’t enjoy those then the genre probably isn’t going to do anything with you. I still personally would like to burn every copy of Cloverfield I come across.

  6. backlashcomix

    Ah that’s a shame, I just thought of those ones as a couple of hours of nothing. The “Honest trailer” for Paranormal Activity about summed it up for me:

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