Beware

Year of Release: 2010
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 3.4 / 10
Level of Awful: Low – Medium
Breast-O-Meter: 2.5 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

How I detest movies like these. There clearly wasn’t the budget to pull this off effectively, but somehow they managed to make it alright enough to escape being ridiculous. Everything was just a little sub par, but not enough for me to raise my eyebrows in confusion. I don’t like these movies that fall into that grey area of being neither good enough to be enjoyable nor bad enough to be funny. A movie watched is a movie watched, however, and people need to be warned that they’re in for a somewhat boring / mildly entertaining time should they decide to dedicate 95 minutes of their lives to watching this.

Yes, this is Officer Melted Face. How can I help?

Some terrible things have been going on in the little town of Shady Grove, a bizarre mix of a community comprised of Americans, Latinos and British people. A decade or two back a drunken, useless father came home to find his wife in bed with another man. The wife, being a Latina and therefore distinctly cocky, rubbed it in the man’s face that her affair had been going on for ages and that the son the two of them had been raising was, in fact, her lover’s child. In a fit of rage the man kills his wife and her lover and buries them out in the woods. To ensure that the child is suitably punished for choosing the wrong father to be born to he is tied to a tree with chains and left there for many years, gradually becoming more and more animal-like. The chains also begin to fuse into his arms. One day is one day and two young people who’re freshly engaged are getting it on in the middle of nowhere when our killer crops up out of the woods and brutally murders them. The case, however, is never solved and the murderer never brought to justice…

I would never review anything that wasn't appropriate for a family audience...

All of this was five years ago, and the storyline must move on. Five years on and five Latino individuals are making their way to an unnamed destination for a last weekend together before growing up, with some going to college and others going to play soccer in Europe. As soon as our main female Nella takes the wheel the car, of course, breaks down and the group needs to stop over in Shady Grove.  Parts need to be ordered and non-white people need to be looked at with suspicion. Our group has two options: sleep in the mechanic’s garage or hike 10 miles to the nearest seedy motel. Thankfully a third option materialises in the form of Maria, a quite Latina who kindly offers to drive these 5 complete strangers to her house and let them stay the night until the car is fixed. Once at the house burgers will be fried, sausages grilled and intense games of Guitar Hero will be played. All in all, a fun evening.

I'm completely cornered at the top of these stairs! What you gonna do now!?!

Well, it’s all fun and games with the exception of the raving lunatic stalking around the house. Shane is his name-o, and he has a machete in his hand and chains fused into his wrists that he simply isn’t afraid to use. Before he can kill anyone, however, it is incredibly important that the group first fragments itself to make his job a lot easier. One must cheat on his girlfriend with her best friend, the best friend must then go and have sex with her asshole boyfriend and then argue with him, and two others must go upstairs and initiate tentative sex out of earshot. Then, and only then, can Shane strike. The budget didn’t allow for an awful lot of gore, so most of the time is dedicated to telling the group Shane’s back story before he quickly dispatches his various victims. Maria and her assorted stranger-guests must find a way out of the house or run the risk of being hacked open and leaving their intestines all over the floor.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • Europe is a country.
  • You shouldn’t let a bloodied victim ruin a night of good sex.
  • Creepy guys breaking into a woman’s bathroom are just trying to be good Samaritans.
  • Men will exchange their girlfriends for not being brutally gutted.
  • It’s perfectly natural for women to want to do a striptease in front of a man that’s been chained to a tree for years.

BEWARE TRAILER

BUY BEWARE AT AMAZON.COM

Posted on November 26, 2011, in Awful Level: Low, Awful Level: Medium and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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