The Legend of Tropical Mary
In the beginning there was the word, and the word was GRAVY. This birthed a list of other words, namely:
Spray ‘n cook
Well… you get the idea.
According to apocryphal and arcane texts, Tropical Mary is one of the 7 Legendary Marys (see disclaimer). Each one has her own superpower and sphere of influence:
The (alleged) Virgin Mary
This mythical creature is said to have spawned mankind’s saviour from her mystical vag. This is yet to be conclusively proven but she is hailed as the sacred founder of the Sisterhood of Marydom.
The yin to the (alleged) Virgin Mary’s yang, this rogue prostitute introduced the art of sluttery into the here before puritanical Sisterhood. Her always ultra-absorbent hair was legendary in the parts of Nazareth frequented by men. She holds no power over Sodom.
With the advent of Mary Magdalene, a cure for excessive nights of sluttery was needed. As if from on high, Bloody Mary appeared bedecked with cocktails sporting celery sticks as a diet option to the now slow, bovine, hungover Sisterhood.
This unfortunate soul was invited to the Sisterhood as a reprieve from the torch-wielding mob of villagers after she had inadvertently decimated entire families with her toxic touch. The Sisterhood gathered around their fallen angel and welcomed her into their ample bosoms. As an aside, her sorrowful story is rumoured to have inspired Britney Spears’ song ‘Toxic’.
She is the Devil’s Advocate of the Sisterhood and forced the Marys to take stock of their empire during troubled times. Not afraid to ask the difficult questions and a keen promoter of the Mary faith, she is seen as something of a Debby Downer but manages to stele herself and see the Sisterhood over troubled waters.
The dynamic gospel duo’s song “Shackles” is often misinterpreted as a Jesus number but is, in fact, a reference to the oppressive nature of substance abuse, which the Marys have fought tirelessly against since time immemorial. To their dismay, patriarchal Greek poets insisted that these Bringers of the Word were “damned filthy Sirens”. Mary Contrary is still hard at work to dispel these malicious misrepresentations. Despite these heinous rumours, their song continues to enrapture those who would seek the truth and the milkshake of Marydom.
This brings us to the legend of Tropical Mary… where every night is tropical!!
It is believed that after uttering her name into a mirror three times, she appears to you. What she does depends on how hard she’s PMSing. You may be fortunate enough for her to make it rain (money, men, or actual rain, but not a golden shower rain, because that’s gross). Those less fortunate will have glitter tossed wantonly into their eyes, blinding them with eternal fabulosity. Always depicted with her trusty glitter cannon and a smoke, Tropical Mary is the warrior of the Sisterhood. She is the patron saint of gays and unicorns, and followers of her grandiose cult have reported that she pisses rainbows and shits ambrosia. Her voice is said to sound like a chorus of angels flapping their wings in unison, if that flapping sounded like a geriatric who ate 30 cigarettes a day.
While battling in the infamous, yet relatively unreported, 100 Year Gay Pride War, Tropical Mary happened upon The B-Horror Blog. The more than proficient hair flipping skills of James, the initial blog owner, impressed Tropical Mary to such an extent that she ordained, from that point on, the beginning was no longer represented by the word. In the beginning, there was now hair flipping.
The Sisterhood had convened for its bicentennial meeting of important business and light snacks when Mary Mary (always the creative ones) arrived beshackled and bedazzled carrying the Tome of Prophecy to the assembled Marys. Due to issues at the Sisterhood Sorting Office, the Tome of Prophecy now contained a copy of the shitty yet jazzy Killer Klowns From Outer Space, rather than the Travelling Pants budget for which the conclave was originally convened.
The Marys, despite their illustrious knowledge of all matters relating to the universe and pumpkin-spice scented sanitary pads, had not given thought to how they could expand their influence through the power of B-cinema. This oversight was quite remarkable, given that Bloody Mary had had hundreds of biographical films about her released.
In a moment of epiphinal insight, Tropical Mary got up in such a flurry that the room was twerked violently after being drenched in money, men and actual rain, and demanded that Mary Contrary get James on the horn to discuss the possibility of world domination through extra-terrestrial circus clowns. The (alleged) Virgin Mary, herself having had a gay son (because he had two dads and turned out fine), felt that there was no one better in which to outsource this plan to.
Due to the sensitive nature of this venture, Mary Contrary insisted that preliminary rendezvouses regarding this plan be held only on balconies and in alleyways scented with cat urine and broken dreams. These were dubbed, for reasons of establishing a conspicuous conspiracy, as Stately Wayne Balcony and Stately Wayne Nigerian Alleyway, respectively.
In order to ensure the secrecy of the Sisterhood’s involvement, initial intelligence was leaked to the general public under the codename ‘Historically Inaccurate Night ft. Tropical Mary’.
The greater parts of this plan for world domination are well beyond the scope of mere mortals’ comprehension. But rest assured, citizens of Earth (and the Sisterhood’s colony on the extrasolar planet Vulvulon), what you will read on this blog is for the betterment of mankind. This is where the future begins.
COMING SOON: B-HORROR BLOG – THE MOVIE
Angela Lansbury as Tropical Mary
Jake Gyllenhaal as James
DISCLAIMER: Whilst a worthy addition to the Sisterhood, Mary and her Little Lamb were ultimately excommunicated from the illustrious order for scandalous reasons relating to her late-night cavorting with the aforementioned lamb, which shall not be discussed here but I am sure you all know the story of the Minotaur. That is all that we are at liberty to divulge.