Ratings 101

To understand the degrees of how bad a movie is you first need to understand how that movie has been rated. My process of finding terrible movies usually takes me back to IMDB simply because it is the most comprehensive movie site on the internet. It has also proven to be very useful in judging how bad a movie is because people give them a vote out of 10 (and I generally aim to watch movies between 0 and 4). The flaw in this system, however, is that a rating based on 1000 votes and a rating based on 10 votes are not the same thing and I have watched many a movie with an average rating that I’ve thoroughly enjoyed and others with a higher rating that have proven to be rubbish.

Which brings us to the main joy in running a blog: it’s entirely my opinion 🙂 For this reason I have devised my own system of rating a movie based on each movie’s Level of Awful. There are 5 Levels of Awful – Surprise!, Low, Medium, High and Requires Post-Film Lobotomy – and this is what each one means:

LEVEL OF AWFUL: SURPRISE!

Movies that fall into this Level of Awful aren’t actually awful at all. Since I go through quite a few movies in my quest to find the worst of the worst, inevitably I’m going to misjudge a few or someone else will have said something about it that wasn’t entirely accurate and I actually land up enjoying the movie. I like to feature these movies because there are a lot of talented people out there who just don’t get the recognition they deserve. I also like to feature these movies because sometimes even my hardened mind begins to crack under the pressure of all the crap out there and the ‘Surprise!’ movies provide a little welcome relief.

LEVEL OF AWFUL: LOW

Movies with a ‘Low’ rating are those that really did try to pull it all together and make sense and, for the most part, get it right. These kind of movies are the ones that usually just rehash older ideas and ultimately land up boring the audience. They are usually quite watchable but, in the end, completely forgettable. Most often these movies are the ones that have the budget and the actors at their disposal and they’ll get all the hype so it seems like they should genuinely be brilliant movies to watch, but somewhere along the way they just go a little bit off the path and leave you feeling empty and disappointed.

LEVEL OF AWFUL: MEDIUM

So far as b-movies go ‘Medium’ is where you want them to fall. While ‘Surprise!’ movies are genuinely good movies to watch, the ones in this category are the good bad ones. These are the movies that either make fun of themselves or are just so bad and ridiculous that you can’t help but laugh your way through them. They are neither too terrifying to scare the horror novice nor too horrible to make a true fan want to throw things at the TV. For nights when you feel like truly mindless (and occasionally gory) fun.

LEVEL OF AWFUL: HIGH

When you reach this Level of Awful the movie should no longer be watched by the completely uninitiated. Someone unfamiliar with watching b-horrors should only view this kind of movie in the company of the seasoned and hardened fan to make sure they do not lose their mind and run away screaming from the genre. Movies in this category take the absurdity of their plots, their bad acting and their poor effects to an entirely different level. Thankfully there is a 99% effective method for spotting these kind of movies from a mile off: the worse the movie itself gradually becomes, the more breasts you are inclined to see. It is a well-known trick that when actual talent is missing it can be easily made up for with lots of women taking their shirts off.

LEVEL OF AWFUL: REQUIRES POST-FILM LOBOTOMY

There are two ways of looking at movies that fall into this category: either they are the blight of mankind or they are an elite group of super crap. Whichever way you decide to look at it these movies are the absolute worst of the worst and require a very strong person to be able to sit through them and come out alright on the other side. You can distinguish these movies by the fact that they make little-to-no sense, acting is non-existent, dialogue is the equivalent of putting 20 people with Tourette’s in a room together, budgets are incredibly low and, like with ‘High’ rated movies, women’s shirts just fly off as though they were burning the skin. When I say I’m looking for the absolute worst of the worst out there, if they really are the worst, this is where they’ll land up.

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