The Breast-O-Meter

While July has passed and our trip down the darkest reaches of memory lane can stop with the end of 1987 Month I did use the time constructively to come up with a new piece of technology to implement here at the B-Horror Blog. With so many other horror blogs out there I wanted to give my readers something special, something that they may not find anywhere else. What glorious invention did I come up with you ask? Why, the Breast-O-Meter of course!

The Breast-O-Meter is a cutting edge piece of equiment made up of over 1000 386 DOS PCs with Windows 3.1 as an optional extra on some of them. The PCs were recovered from the local dump site and most were occupied by rats and their offspring. Not wanting to relocate them I managed to convince most of the rats that they could continue to stay in the computers so long as they agreed to do routine maintenence on the Breast-O-Meter once it was up and running. The rats seemed to think that this was more than fair. The 1000 computers are connected to one another by a combination of heavy duty network cables, wireless access points, 10km of duct tape and some used gum that one of the rats was nibbling on. Since I do not want to pollute the environment any more than it already is I had to come up with some inventive methods of powering this new device. Driving around town for 3 days eventually yielded all the hamsters I needed and they are busy running their little hearts out on wheels hooked up to the Breast-O-Meter.

With all this remarkable technology being put to such a good use you must be wondering how the Breast-O-Meter works exactly. It’s rather simple really: when I begin a movie I simply need to aim the 1000 computer screens at the TV. By hooking some red fairy lights up to a plutonium rod I managed to create a laser scanning system that the computers use to analyse the movie frame-by-frame. The software I developed has been specifically designed to recognise a naked human breast which is detected during the scanning process. Whenever the Breast-O-Meter detects a breast in the movie it allocates the movie 1/2 a point, with the maximum score being a 5. This means that were a movie to gain a 5 / 5 Breast-O-Meter reading there are at least 10 women with visible breasts throughout the movie. This reading will then be included with all future reviews right after the Level of Awful.

I hope that this new invention will please my current readers and prove to any sceptics that I take what I do incredibly seriously.

Posted on August 1, 2011, in Random Thoughts and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 11 Comments.

  1. Great idea! Very scientific. I like seeing breasts for scientific purposes.

  2. WTF ???????

    • The easiest way to figure out how low the budget was is by seeing how many naked women there are in the movie. This machine does all that work for me 🙂

      • This is so true. There is a direct relationship between the number of naked breasts and how little money was spent on the film. I think the filmmakers hope that no one notices how shitty the rest of the movie is if they throw in a few breasts.

        Nice use of rats and old PCs, btw.

      • I think it’s used as a distraction method. Thankfully years of watching movies like this have desensitised me (which is good, because some of the breasts thrown at the audience are quite horrible).

        As far as the rats are concerned a. It’s cheap labour and b. I like to do my bit to help the environment 🙂

  3. I wish I could afford an actress who would show her breasts in my movie.

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