Final Destination: The Ultimate Movie Marathon

Final Destination 5 Poster facebook timeline cover 849 X 312 Final,Destination,PosterSince some people seem to insist that I be an adult and hold down a real job (people are really inconsiderate that way), it’s taken me ages to do this write up, but this UMM was actually done back-to-back with the Twilight one. The UMM rules state that for it to be an actual UMM, there needs to be at least 7 movies to the franchise (the gods forbid that that should ever happen to Twilight), so my elite crack movie watching squad (Tropical Mary, Stygian Mole and the Occult Specialist) and I decided we’d just bend the rules slightly and watch another short franchise, thus bringing the evening’s final movie tally to 10.

By the time we started watching these movies my life was already in jeopardy, and there was a very real chance that my team would tar and feather me. We’d just watched +- 10 hours of stares, and I was really hoping that these movies would redeem me. I’m not sure if they did, but I think they went a long way to easing some of the tension.

The Final Destination franchise, in my opinion, is one that should truly be treasured because there isn’t a single bad movie in it. Yes, some movies are better than others when compared against one another, but on the whole all of them are very watchable and a lot of fun. It’s difficult to decide what sub-genre of horror these movies fall into, since they aren’t really slashers, but the whole idea that Death itself can come after you really puts a fresh twist on things. It’s also a lot of fun to watch just how a string of incredibly convoluted events can end up killing people in some truly horrific ways. Most importantly (and where other movies have long since fallen off the bandwagon), the Final Destination movies have, for more than a decade, introduced audiences to movies with people standing in a triangle on the cover. Not enough movies do that any more, and I think it’s a truly important cinematic event that should be passed on to future generations.

By this point in the evening the idea of any form of critical analysis had long since gone out of the window, so I’ll just give you a brief rundown of each movie, followed by our Twilight-riddled stream of consciousness. Enjoy!

FINAL DESTINATIONFinal Destination

Year of Release: 2000
Genre: Horror / Mystery
IMDB Rating: 6.7 / 10
Level of Awful: Surprise!

Be honest – when you first saw this movie it made you think twice about getting on a plane. Starring a frightfully young Ali Larter, this is the movie that introduced us to the notion that Death might have a rather sick and fiendish plan for us all. Young Alex Brown and his friends are all getting ready for a fun school trip to France on Flight 180 when he has a horrifying vision that the plane will blow up just after take off. No one really believes him, but he and a few others are ejected from the plane for unruly behaviour anyway. Lo and behold, the plane actually does blow up, killing everyone on it.

In what may be Death’s equivalent of Wikileaks, these premonitions do not form part of Death’s ultimate plan – the survivors were never meant to get off the plane. Now, Death is coming for them and plans on getting them back in gruesome (but sometimes also hilarious) ways. Just how long can Alex and company actually cheat death?

  • Dad supports copulation with French bitches.
  • This scene warns us that there may be a slight draft.
  • No hookers in the airport!
  • Kill a Hari Krishna!
  • Death laughs in the face of subtlety.
  • Don’t fart in the bathroom!
  • One should always aspire to do some tittie fucking while flying over Greenland.
  • Behold: the Maltesers of DOOM!!
  • Thank god for pre-911 – Alex would be hung and quartered by the FBI now.
  • Awkward orphans are awkward.
  • Survivor guilt!
  • Freedom! (from life).
  • He’s really not clairvoyant; Death only had a brief chat with him.
  • Cold drafts are apparently Death’s preferred mode of transport.
  • How do you get your toilet water to be that immaculate shade of blue?
  • Behold: the Alsation of impending DOOM!!
  • Mortuary break-ins are such a rush for randy teenagers.
  • Furniture for movie kindly sponsored by Death by Design.
  • Agent Shrek stages a daring coffin drop.
  • Police brutality – the best kind of brutality.
  • Tube monitors are the Devil’s work.
  • Caramelised blood. Sweet, delicious caramelised blood.
  • Death’s a sneaky bastard and willing to let you go slowly.

FINAL DESTINATION 2Final Destination 2

Year of Release: 2003
Genre: Horror / Mystery
IMDB Rating: 6.2 / 10
Level of Awful: Surprise!

In the franchise’s apparent bid to make us afraid to do anything at all, Final Destination 2 takes the terror on the road and presents the viewer with a delightfully horrific pile up on the highway. Remember when that giant log went through the policeman’s car? Yeah, that.

This movie centres on Kimberly, who was beginning a roadtrip with a bunch of her friends when her premonition happened. By backing up traffic, she manages to save a lot of people from the enormous crash, once again setting Death up to take back what it feels rightfully belongs to it.

This movie is the only one in the franchise that has any direct connection to the first film (or is it?), with a still-frightfully young Ali Larter reprising her role as Clear Rivers to help this new bunch of kids escape from Death’s wispy clutches. The movie is also interesting because it examines the consequences of the first one and how the (temporary) survival of the Flight 180 passengers created a ripple effect in Death’s greater design. More bodies, more explosions, and more pigeon-related deaths than you can shake a stick at. What’s not to enjoy?

  • Crazy people are really useful for providing background info into Death’s design.
  • Oh, how I miss a good old VCR.
  • Condoms, whips, and chains are all really useful items to pack for a roadtrip.
  • Irony is all around you, ergo, Death is all around you.
  • Drink pale ale responsibly.
  • Warning lights in cars aren’t really there to tell us anything important.
  • White guys can be totally thug.
  • “Call 180” – The devil got a new number.
  • This police station has a capture and release system in place for witnesses.
  • Back at Stately Wayne suburbia…
  • Hygiene and safety standards – this guy has none.
  • Magnets and microwaves really aren’t compatible.
  • Well done! You just made things much, much worse.
  • Dear God, not my iMac!
  • Remember to evacuate your apartment in a calm and orderly fashion.
  • Remember kids – spaghetti kills.
  • Smoking is healthy if you do it on a treadmill.
  • It must be refreshing when a mental patient WANTS to be there.
  • Clear could still die from 1000 paper cuts.
  • Good luck beating Death, and don’t fuck it up.
  • Find Nemo: Killer Version.
  • All Nitrous, all the time!
  • Terrible: dying after you’ve racked up an enormous dental bill.
  • Welcome to the Crazy and Clothed branch of the FBI.
  • Death sees you when you’re coming. How awkward.
  • Valium: like Smarties, but for adults.
  • Don’t go accusin’ no one that their ass is any less alive than yours.
  • Behold: the ripple effect of DOOM!!
  • Death by Design has a rift that even duct tape can’t fix.
  • Splash the Magical Flying Ambulance.
  • Death has been vanquished and Dawn reveals her rosy bottom to everyone.
  • KABOOM!

FINAL DESTINATION 3Final Destination 3

Year of Release: 2006
Genre: Horror / Mystery
IMDB Rating: 5.7 / 10
Level of Awful: Surprise!

Alright, so we can’t fly anywhere and we can’t drive anywhere. Now, even if we somehow manage to make it to an amusement park, we can’t ride rollercoasters either? Not that I’m a huge fan of rollercoasters (I don’t like going upside down), but I’d at least like to have the option. Oh yeah, and don’t ride on trains. Ever.

This time around we’re following Wendy, who only wanted to spend a fun night out at the amusement park with her friends and boyfriend to celebrate their senior year of high school. Death and his ever-fabulous designers over at Death by Design, however, have a different plan. Wendy’s premonition kicks in just before a rollercoaster ride, showing her in detail that the human spine and metal support columns should never meet one another at high speed. She panics and gets off the rollercoaster, taking several people with her (sadly, boyfriend not included), thus setting in motion a chain of events that means Death and his designers need to put in a little overtime.

The key to survival here will be Wendy’s passion for amateur photography: she took pictures of everyone that night before the rollercoaster derailed, and they seem to hold clues to preventing peoples’ decidedly squelchy ends. Can Wendy and her friend Kevin beat Death and his array of faulty tanning beds, fork lifts gone wild and flying truck engines? Probably not, but it’s boatloads of fun to watch them try.

  • Thank you New Line Cinema.
  • It’s the Rollercoaster of Love!
  • There’s some reckless foreshadowing being thrown around here.
  • Camel toes, duck face and warp speed, oh my!
  • Hydraulic fluid: Gone.
  • Tyres: Gone.
  • Who knew teenagers could fly?
  • Oh wait, they can’t.
  • She whips her hair (and spine) back and forth.
  • Spear tackle a bitch! Bitches love to be spear tackled.
  • Getting a tune-up tan for a funeral is so thoughtful.
  • That’s a good work lamp there.
  • This, on the other hand, is only an average work lamp.
  • Mmmm… delicious fried whore.
  • Death by Design releases its Equality range of murder.
  • Drink pale ale responsibly.
  • There’s so much ‘Merica! going on here it hurts.
  • This guy works for Osama bin Supervisor.
  • Watch out for the overreaction over steer!
  • Wendy’s camera has all the megapixels.
  • Fuck you Ben Franklin!
  • We’re on the love train!
  • OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! OUCH!

THE FINAL DESTINATIONFinal Destination 4

Year of Release: 2009
Genre: Horror / Mystery
IMDB Rating: 5 / 10
Level of Awful: Surprise!

I don’t get why people are so down on this movie. Yes, of all the Final Destination movies it is the weakest. It suffers from being a little over zealous with the CGI (at times going up to Syfy levels) and it was clearly made with 3D in mind because everything just wants to fly out of the TV at you, but it’s by no means a bad movie. Oh right, and it isn’t REALLY The Final Destination, but I guess they couldn’t have known that at the time.

OK, we couldn’t fly anywhere, drive anywhere, or ride on rollercoasters, and this movie also wants us to stop going to races at the speedway. Again, this doesn’t really affect me because I find Formula 1 and that kind of thing boring, but I’d still at least like to have the option.

Death by Design’s out in force again, and this time they’ve set their beady little eyes on Nick. Nick, his girlfriend, and two of their friends, have decided to pass a decidedly American afternoon watching some very American racing surrounded by some very American spectators. Courtesy of the worst pit crew in the world, things go a tad bit awry, several crashes happen, and the entire speedway collapses. Or, at least that’s what’s going to happen according to Nick’s premonition.

Nick and Co., along with several other people, manage to get out before the crash happens, and Death by Design must ride their obsidian unicorns into battle once again. Keep a look out for some KKK-style burnings, a movie theatre on the verge, an over enthusiastic pool pump and the 1001 dangers of standing too close to a chain link fence.

  • Thank you New Line Cinema.
  • It’s like Daytona, bitches!
  • The Nickelback alone should be a clue that bad shit is gonna happen.
  • Oh neo-nazis, you’re really such a lovely crowd.
  • A flaming pancake! A flancake!
  • I’m feeling a little racial tension in that enormous hook and petrol can.
  • Yet more irresponsible pale ale consumption.
  • Absent parenting is the best kind of parenting.
  • Scissors to the face!
  • Gotta love some redneck bottle drinking.
  • Clear Rivers water. Death by Design must be close…
  • Slowest draining pool EVER.
  • There’s nothing more horrifying that explosive ass decompression.
  • It can’t be fun to be flattened by a bath.
  • Death by Design got really greedy in this movie.
  • Death’s Hobo walks amongst us.

FINAL DESTINATION 5Final Destination 5

Year of Release: 2011
Genre: Horror / Mystery
IMDB Rating: 5.8 / 10
Level of Awful: Surprise!

If the 4th movie took the series into a little bit of a dip, then this movie brought the franchise right back on track again. As if to reinforce the lesson we learned in the 2nd movie, if you hadn’t already learned that driving is dangerous, Death by Design is also more than capable of making the bridge you’re driving over collapse right out from underneath you.

In this last movie, we’re going to follow the escapades of Sam, a terrifically talented chef in the making, on his way to a retreat with his co-workers from his day job as a salesman. A leak in the space-time-gruesome-death continuum causes him to have a premonition where the whole bridge they are on completely collapses. This results in people drowning, being crushed by cars, getting impaled, and one unfortunate guy landing up on the wrong end of a vat of molten tar. It’s all rather unpleasant, really.

So Sam panics and gets some people safely off the bridge before the collapse happens. By this stage, Death by Design is getting bloody fed up trying to patch all of these leaks in the Grand Design, so the survivors land up getting killed one-by-one in yet another series of horrifying (and, in one instance, bone breaking) incidents. What I really liked, though, is this movie has a really good twist ending that I really didn’t see coming. I won’t spoil it for you, but if you keep a close watch on the characters throughout the movie you’ll see all the clues. Enjoy!

  • Thank you New Line Cinema (and Warner Bros.)
  • In the end, it’s often salesman against chef.
  • Final Destination continues the franchise’s strict 1 black person per movie quota.
  • Bald really is the new black.
  • Yet another good work lamp. Well done movie.
  • Gymnastics should really be restricted to 9-year-old boys.
  • If he’s bereaved, he must be bereaving. In fact, he’s a bereaver!
  • Stationary theft is deadly.
  • Angst is difficult to pull off if you’re wearing a suit.
  • Angst is a dish best served in jeans and a t-shirt.
  • The fat guy really needs to die – horribly.
  • Laser to the eye!
  • Eyes pop well, especially when you drive over them.
  • These people are just dumb as rocks.
  • Psycho killers are that little bit more serious when they have a skillet.
  • The _ _ _ _ _ _ _ has landed!
  • Token black guy outlasted everyone!
  • Final Destination: Changing movie stereotypes.
  • The black guy survives the horror!
  • Oh wait, I take that back…

FINAL THOUGHTS

After the miserable morning / afternoon / early evening that we spent watching the Twilight movies, these movies were just a complete breath of fresh air. People still weren’t speaking to me, but it was a step up from them threatening to mummify me alive. In a small way, I think these movies went a decent way to saving my life at the hands of a hair-eating Tropical Mary that night, and for that I’m thankful.

Like I said in the beginning of this write up, this is one of the best franchises, in my opinion, that horror has to offer. Whilst it may be purely by virtue of the fact that this franchise has fewer movies in it that many others, there really isn’t a bad one in the bunch. Yes, number four was comparatively weak, but on the whole it still stands up better than many other franchises’ weaker members. They key to these films’ success lies in the fact that they more or less follow a very well thought out system that was laid down in the first movie. They tweak it here and there and the deaths gradually become more gruesome and inventative, and leaves the audience in that fun place where they know exactly what’s going to happen, but you have no clue just how it’s going to happen.

Now, as for the scientific calculations that form an integral part of any UMM night, keeping track of the deaths in the Final Destination movies is a slightly tricky affair. Using a highly scientific and complicated system of spreadsheets, pie charts, clay tablets, and counting on our toes, we settled on a final death count of 499. Breasts were few and far between in this franchise, with a total of only 11. That works out to a death-to-breast ratio of roughly 45.3:1.

When all was said and done, it was nearly 5am and the sugar crash was starting to kick in hard, so it was off to bed for all of us. The next day was spent with a sugar-deprived headache that allowed me some time to reflect on the kinds of friendships that can withstand what I subjected them to on that bright and sunny Good Friday. So long as I promise to have no part in choosing the movies for the next UMM, I think we’re all gonna be friends for a good while yet 🙂

As always, I’m always looking for suggestions for the next UMM, especially for franchises that may be slightly more obscure.

Thanks to everyone for reading, and a big thanks to all those who kept us company through the live tweeting madness of the day!

Until next time 🙂

BUY THE FINAL DESTINATION MOVIES AT AMAZON.COM

Posted on April 21, 2013, in Awful Level: Surprise!, Ultimate Movie Marathon and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. Loved the 1st 2 and to some extent the 3rd, but hated the fourth and never seen the 5th. The car accident in the 2nd movie is amazing to watch.

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