WHAT IT’S ABOUT:
You know, in all the years I’ve known Tropical Mary, we’ve banded together for some ridiculous adventures. We’ve completed degrees together, we share a faux Italian garden with one another, we started Historically Inaccurate Movie Night together, and a whole bunch of other stuff that wouldn’t have made sense even if you were there to see it. THIS, however, takes the cake. On the advice of Mistylane from CinemaSchminema (seriously, go check out her stuff, it’s amazing) I got my greasy little mitts on this movie and assembled my elite squad of movie watchers (Tropical Mary, Stygian Mole and the Occult Specialist) and got ready to watch Antfarm Dickhole. Long story short, I’m not sure if the guys will ever speak to me again, and it took me and Tropical Mary both rapidly live tweeting to cover all the crap that was going on.
I know it isn’t an Historically Inaccurate Movie, but since the word ‘plot’ isn’t one I’d associate with this movie, I’m gonna present the highly troubled stream of consciousness that happened during our little screening, with names to indicate just who was traumatised at what point.
Tropical Mary: Thank you Michael Nastri and Bill Zebub for what we are about to watch.
James: Jerking off is about the ride, not the destination. Oh god, right out the gate…
James: The science of being a 40-year-old bully.
Tropical Mary: Confessions of a 40-year-old wedgie.
James: Pockets are not good cupcake holders.
James: There’s no way this is a woman. This is a 17-year-old boy with an epic nipple stand, and the highly visible vag does nothing to convince me otherwise.
Tropical Mary: Ooh, she has a piercing…
James: We now go live to our state-of-the-art ass crack cam.
Tropical Mary: Behold! 3D Internet strippers! With an artistic boob shot thrown in for good measure.
James: The only way this is happening is if it’s holographic porn.
James: We really need a Vag-O-Meter for this movie…
James: Ants = food = Mexican water = Moctezuma’s revenge. Did I get that right?
Tropical Mary: Suddenly, busting some moves in the park.
Tropical Mary: For all that’s going on, why are the adults referring to a penis as a ‘pee pee’?
James: Boondock bikini frolicking – the new Olympic sport.
James: Morning class, welcome to How To Get Raped In The Woods 101.
James: So, army ants migrating north are a sign of a weak US-Mexican border?
James: Evolution psychology VS creationist psychology, neither of which is a real thing.
James: OK, so if an ant burrows into me, technically I own it?
James: That’s just the great hemisphere of life I guess…
James: Who knew you could make a dildo out of playdough?
James: Who talks to the ant colony in their penis?
James: Oh my. I’ve never seen someone have sex with a car before…
James: This one’s serving up some cellulite realness for us now. Oh wait, she’s a neon pink bikini-bedecked scientist.
James: The face of evil is the face of an ant, apparently.
James: This movie really is all about equal opportunity body types.
James: The car wasn’t enough, now he’s having sex with some window blinds.
Tropical Mary: Sex with a car is healthy for the soul and so is sex with a window blind.
James: Trees are sacred to bio-terrorists? Who knew?
James: Human bones usually belong to a dead human. Some class A police work on that one.
James: Up penis scope!
James: Either that banana was meant to be carried by ants, or it was demonically possessed. Either way, that’s gotta hurt.
Tropical Mary: Insecticide is WRONG!!!
James: There really is no joy in watching an OCD stripper take her clothes off.
James: This chick’s right – we really should just photosynthesise our own food.
Tropical Mary: Human photosynthesis = Vitamin D production. Thank God for the diffusion filter ge-filter fish.
James: She’s in the forest with wedge-heeled clogs…
Tropical Mary: …and her boobs look like the face of a newt.
James: Antfarm Dickhole proudly brings you the body types of Chernobyl.
James: I feel like we’re crossing the line into hardcore porn at this point…
Tropical Mary: It’s not porn just yet…
James: How do you squeeze an entire ecosystem into a penis?
James: Time to pull one last anteater out of the bag…
James: Sexual chemistry = ant colony in penis, apparently.
James: Is that Warcraft II music playing in the background?
Tropical Mary: I must get this soundtrack.
James: She died doing jazz hands.
James: Have anteater, will travel.
Tropical Mary: It’s the Saturday Aardvark!
James: Foreskins provide natural lotion. What kind of lotion?
Tropical Mary: Everything’s fun when you soft science!
Tropical Mary: The Delusion? Maybe. God? Definitely not.
James: Good friends flush the toilet for one another.
James: This minor plot can only be true if he’s shitting out liquid metal.
Tropical Mary: Maybe he’s gonna weld something.
James: Alcohol makes a drinking problem that much worse.
Tropical Mary: I have an army in my pants (are they all 5 year olds?!)
Tropical Mary: He will NOT remark that with dignity. Sans dignity. No dignity was had that day.
James: There’s no 12 step plan for this movie. There wasn’t even a plan at its inception.
James: They have a lot of lurking law enforcers in these parts.
James: With friends like Freud who needs animus? This is what happens when 7 random Wikipedia articles are strung together to form a script.
James: Who labels a moonshine container?
James: Eggs don’t need to be fertilised in order for a baby to develop.
James: When all is said and done, this fool has a remarkably robust penis.
Tropical Mary: I see a winky cutting in his future.
James: 3rd nipple for the win!
James: Telekimasturbating is a real art.
Tropical Mary: It can always get worse – more porn!
James: I feel like only an OB/GYN should see this girl like I’m seeing her now.
James: Spider rape – it can happen to you.
Tropical Mary: At least the spider’s whispering sweet nothings in French to her.
James: Bullies function with a hive mentality.
James: Manspider? REALLY?!?
So yeah, if you can make any sense out of all of that I take my hat off to you. In the wise words of Mistylane, “It’s like a bunch of 12 year olds, high on pixie sticks, got together to make an adult film.” That sums it up really well. There is no understanding of the insect world, film making, adult situations, sex, decent boobs, what a penis looks like or the difference between being attacked by an anteater and getting a so-so blowjob to be found anywhere in this movie. Truly, this is only for the most hardened z-movie goer, and preferably only if you feel you have nothing to lose.
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