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Black Devil Doll

Year of Release: 2007
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 4.2 / 10
Level of Awful: Requires Post-Film Lobotomy

THIS POST CONTAINS STRONG ADULT CONTENT

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Sweet baby Jesus what just happened? I apologise profusely to Bad Biology for every bad word I said about it because this is so, SO much worse. I came across this movie after reading a review for the original Black Devil Doll from Hell over at The Deadly Doll’s House and thought that it sounded just too good to be true. After doing a little research and not wanting to rip off another blogger’s good work I put every film-finding skill I had into hunting down this piece of crap, a very loose remake of the 80’s original. I say loose because, judging from what I’ve read, the original had a storyline of some sort with some evil doll sex thrown into the mixture. THIS movie, however, is something else entirely. It’s quite remarkable that one movie can be so disgusting and so offensive to ABSOLUTELY everyone that anyone can walk away from it feeling insulted. In a nutshell it’s and hour and a bit’s worth of softcore porn veiled in a b-grade horror movie disguise. But since it’s my mission to watch some of the worst horrors out there I give myself a pat on the back for making it all the way through this one.

How to truly and effectively wash your car.

Heather, our rather busty lead, is bored. After flipping through a bunch of channels and finding nothing interesting on other than cock socks for sale and some guy named Mubia Abul-Jama being electrocuted for the murder of 15 Caucasian women (emphasis on Caucasian – this becomes Heather’s big word of the day and, like any child who’s learned something new, will say it every chance she gets), she decides to play with a Ouija board to pass the time (as so many of us do). As often happens at the stroke of midnight when serial killers are being executed the Ouija board vomits up the soul of Mubia and places it in the very Caucasian dummy (if Heather can say it a thousand times so can I 🙂 ) and transforms it into a very black dummy. Within instants of talking about his various sadistic murders Heather falls madly in love with Mubia and the two begin a very strange and graphic relationship with one another.

You know your friends aren't listening to a word you say when...

Despite the beauty of their relationship any man (as we are told) will eventually get bored and begin to show some interest in other women. Mubia decides that he needs to spread himself around a little more but promises that Heather will always be his #1 bitch and, enjoying his more tender side, Heather promises (after having the crap beaten out of her) to call some of her equally slutty Caucasian friends and have them come over so that Mubia can take advantage of them. After devising their cunning plan (not really – you don’t need a cunning plan when every female character has a bag of frozen peas for a brain) Heather’s friends Natasha, Candi, Buffy and Bambi pull up with breasts thrusting and proceed to dance and wash their car in a very seductive manner before coming inside. After some chitchat and feeling one another up Heather keeps to her end of the deal and goes to McDonald’s where she will eat her weight in burgers while Mubia satiates his lust with, on, over, under, on top of and next to her friends.

Deals made when experiencing the after glow never tend to work out well...

Of course, as the saying goes, once a serial killer, always a serial killer. Stemming from his lack of self-esteem at having become a dummy Mubia decides that he will have to kill Heather’s friends before having sex with them for fear of having them reject him. This is a relatively simple process in a house full of pointy counter tops where every woman is naked and, for one or other reason, oiled up and incredibly slippery. As a lesson to us all, however, the movie does teach us that even when being chased and hunted by a demonic doll if a guy pulls his pants down any woman will go weak at the knees and grant him his every sexual desire. We also learn that once these desires have been met a demonic doll will kill you and make a human pyramid on the Twister board that’s lying in the living room. As her friends are bumped off one-by-one and Heather eventually gets home after clearing out McDonald’s supply of food she is understandably upset that Mubia took it a step further than she had agreed to by killing her friends instead of just having sex with them. It is now up to our busty heroine to put a stop to his rampage of sexual terror once and for all.

A note to myself: If, in the future, your reasoning behind watching a remake is ‘now that we’re in 2011 standards have relaxed and there’ll be more obscenity and gore in it’, please take a moment and think about what you’re doing.

THINGS I’VE LEARNED:

  • All answering machine messages should be made in your best porn star voice.
  • Along with magazines every coffee table should have a Ouija board on it.
  • Saying ‘nigger’ 100 times a day is a very romantic gesture and will make Caucasian women fall madly in love with you in moments.
  • Nobody thinks having sex with a doll is odd.
  • Nobody can distinguish between a midget and a ventriloquist’s dummy.
  • When you get out of a car you should always do a XXX-rated version of the Pussycat Doll’s ‘When I Grow Up’ dance routine.
  • A car isn’t clean unless it’s been washed with breasts.
  • It is quite common for women to check the quality of their boob jobs by fondling one another.
  • A game of twister inevitably leads to some lesbian experimentation.
  • Women should always pull their breasts out before shooting a demonic doll.
  • A regular hand pistol holds, on average, 372 bullets.

Black Devil Doll Trailer

 

Bad Biology

Year of Release: 2008
Genre: Horror / Fantasy
IMDB Rating: 5.1 / 10
Level of Awful: Requires Post-Film Lobotomy

THIS POST CONTAINS STRONG ADULT CONTENT

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

When a movie’s opening dialogue is “I was born with 7 clits” you know you’re gonna be in for a rough ride. Not only was it rough but this has got to be, by far, the most disturbing and pointless movie that I have ever seen. It’s not awful in the same way that Alien VS Hunter or the Terror Toons Duology were awful. It is awful because there’s nothing to it: it’s not a horror, although it has minor horror elements, it’s not a thriller, it’s not really a fantasy and I wouldn’t even class it as sci-fi. Hell, I wouldn’t even class it as a porn movie. All that this movie aims to be is an excuse to showcase some very, very warped and kinky sex. I’m not a prude by any means but even I feel dirty after watching this movie, although I imagine for some it will become a kind of cult classic. That being said, it will take people with a far stronger stomach than my own to grant it that kind of prestige. There appear to be those that love it and those that hate it, but this blog is about trash and in my opinion Bad Biology ranks as one of the trashiest of the trash. And at The B-Horror Blog, it’s only my opinion that matters 🙂

A woman's period is a truly emotional time for all people involved.

This piece of cheese has two primary characters that the story revolves around, the first being Jennifer. Jennifer is no ordinary girl. Jennifer was born with seven external clitorises, several more clitorises inside her and, to judge from an internal shot of her vagina that we are shown, possible several Oompa-Loompas. Now all these clitorises and the Oompa-Loompas make Jennifer a very horny woman and, in her own words, she feeds on orgasms in the same way that normal people feed on food. Unfortunately, because of her rare situation, no man has ever been able to satisfy her sexually. I’m not entirely sure how that’s possible because with all of that going on downstairs I imagine a gentle breeze in the right direction would get the job done, but who am I to tamper with the director’s vision? In addition to the clitorises, the Oompa-Loompas and the insanely overactive sex drive, Jennifer’s womb is also overactive, meaning that she gives birth about 2 hours after every sexual encounter she has. Since they developed so quickly the babies are horribly deformed and their mother simply throws them away, believing that they aren’t complete or real. You see Jennifer is apparently a religious person and believes that God’s ultimate plan is to have sex with her and she needs to have all of these other babies in preparation for having His children. I have dubbed this the Unimmaculate Conception and it just means that Jesus is about to get a really screwed-up stepmother…

The Fleshlight 3000: For the above-average gentleman.

Where there’s black there’s white, where there’s yin there’s also yang. Where there’s a Jennifer there’s apparently also a Batz, who has a similar problem controlling his nether region. As a baby the doctors managed to cut off Batz’s penis instead of the umbilical cord and, although they managed to re-attach it, it never worked properly and growing up Batz landed up being the only teenage boy who didn’t get an awkward woody. Not content with this situation Batz began injecting his member with a variety of drugs, chemicals and horse Viagra to bring it to life. This plan worked a little too well when his penis became sentient and drug addicted, fighting against Batz if he refuses to give it the drugs or hookers that it wants. Batz now lives in seclusion desperately trying to find a way to control his penis (which is now as tall as he is) and feel what it’s like to experience a regular male orgasm.

Penises that go 'bump' in the night...

Of course the Fates will always intervene in these kind of situations and Jennifer and Batz are brought together one day while Jennifer is doing a (porno) photo shoot for a rapper’s album. Jennifer walks into the bathroom while Batz is having a fight with his penis and instantly knows what it will take to satisfy her never-ending need for sexual release. That night she sneaks back into Batz’s house to find him getting it on with a hooker and is even more convinced this is the man for her when she sees that the hooker’s orgasm lasts for over an hour. Sadly, as with many girls who find the perfect penis, Batz’s man meat decides that it is better off on its own and breaks free and goes off in search of as many naked women as it can find. Jennifer now needs to find the rogue penis if she ever hopes to fulfill her desire to be impregnated by God.

THINGS I’VE LEARNED:

  • Girls born with Oompa-Loompas in their vagina should have them removed at an early age to avoid debilitating libidos in later life.
  • It’s easy to confuse an umbilical cord for a penis.
  • Women always walk around their apartments naked or, at most, covered in a see-through gown.
  • When surprised or scared a woman will rip her gown open in an attempt to frighten an intruder with her breasts.
  • God is kinky.
  • Nobody wants to be near a woman who suffers PMS 7 times more powerfully than a normal woman.
  • Horse-strength Viagra brings penises to life. Literally.
  • Drug addicted penises are known to go missing for days, returning only when they need another fix.
  • A 45-minute orgasm is not a hooker’s best friend.
  • You can, in fact, give CPR to a limp penis.

Bad Biology Trailer

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