Search Engines Gone Wild

This is something I’ve been threatening to do for a while so I figured there’s no time like the present. People find this blog through a variety of means and I’m very grateful to all the other great blogs out there that have posted a link to mine. The most entertaining thing by far, however, is seeing what people type into the likes of Google. I’ve put together a list of some of the entertaining and truly bizarre things that people look for on the internet and, for fun, I’m also going to see if I can guess what review the searches took them to. Prepare for something truly amazing!

• xxxtreme pig hunt – Pig Hunt
• asin sexing – No idea.
• daddy issues sex slave – There are a variety of movies tagged ‘daddy issues’ that this could have led to. Although one must wonder what this person was actually looking for.
• cock socks for sale – I have no idea and I can’t think of any tag that would suggest I sell such a product.
• burning breasts horror movie – How do breasts burn?
• 666 bdsm artwork female satanic sacrifice – Someone clearly likes it dark.
• campsite cutlery salesman – Hard Ride To Hell. Do people actually do that?
• captured girls impregnated by inbreds – Bloodlines. I’m going to tell myself that this person was looking for something like Wrong Turn and nothing more.
• vanessa’s boyfriend handcuffed her and force feeds her a bunch of tacos until she is miserably stuffed – I don’t even want to know.
• menacing flamingo – I’ve got nothing.
• naked living with pigs – Pig Hunt. A lot of people seem to have a thing with pigs.
• tragic boobs – The Evil Woods. Why would you want to see that?
• asia horror extreme brutale horror killer lesbian sex fight whip.asia – Tokyo Gore Police.
• busty women+blaxploitation – Black Devil Doll.
• mills and boons – I find it insulting that someone got here by using that.
• lightning gay slut – Either Dead Boyz Don’t Scream or Lightning Strikes. Not entirely sure how the two go together.
• ventriloquist dummy sex – Black Devil Doll. Again, the mind boggles.
• incontinence in public – I’m sorry, what?
• sluts on ice – Bikini Girls on Ice. This does sound like it would make a lovely, family friendly performance.
• horror movie with beavers cheerleading – Andre the Butcher. Are the cheerleaders beavers or do the cheerleaders have beavers?
• fleshlight horror – Ummm…
• piles of shit – Monsturd.
• horror flick vagina crowbar killer – I imagine that context is everything with this one.
• fat ugly girl wearing thong singing happy birthday – Nope, got nothing for this one either.
• topless support of hunting – Pig Hunt.
• forced incontinence – What’s with the incontinence obsession?
• horror movies about human meat genital – I’m gonna run with Bad Biology through lack of a better idea.
• horror video vaginal impregnation – Is there any other kind?

But my personal favourite:

• Softcore masala kissing – The gods alone know. I’m going with an Indian version of the Emmanuelle movies.

So there you have it: some truly amazing things that the internet is being used for everyday. I think that I might turn this into a semi-regular series of posts, so I wait and see what spectacular searches humanity decides to throw at me next 🙂

Tokyo Gore Police

Year of Release: 2008
Genre: Horror / Action / Sci-Fi
IMDB Rating: 6.1 / 10
Level of Awful: Requires Post-Film Lobotomy

THIS POST CONTAINS STRONG ADULT CONTENT

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Few are the times that I am truly lost for words, but this has got to be one of those few times. Clearly the fallout from Hiroshima and Nagasaki had much greater long-term effects than the world initially realised because something is very, VERY wrong in Japan. I’m not scared of gore and I’m not scared of weird shit but if a movie’s gonna have them there has to be some kind of purpose to it. Not here, not here at all. This movie is just under two hours of non-stop blood and guts and boobs and butts. Thankfully I watched it with a good friend of mine so we spent most of the movie in stitches laughing because if I hadn’t I don’t know if I’d would’ve come out alright on the other side. Who the people at IMDB are that think this movie deserves a 6.1 / 10 I don’t know and to show the levels of weird I’m not going to review this movie in the normal 3-pictures-and-text fashion. This is for two reasons: firstly the storyline is too thin to properly write about (near-future Japan, police are privatised, mutants are on the run, one girl one destiny – all there is to it) and I feel a pictorial review best illuminates this movie’s oddest qualities.

In a privatised future, all police dispatchers are required to be slutty blondes who like to dance.

You should always carry an umbrella around in case you decide to cut someone’s arms off. No amount of washing will get blood out of a silk mini kimono.

In the future your fondest memories will be of you and your best friends sitting together for an afternoon performing group mutilation.

The rare and elusive vagigator is a worthy and honourable foe.

Ever been so horny that your penis just blew right off?

I’m just eternally grateful that it turned out to be a laser gun rather than some other kind of ammunition.

For the ultimate fetish enthusiast: The Golden Shower Breathing Chair

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Don’t visit Japan. EVER.

TOKYO GORE POLICE TRAILER

Zombie Women of Satan

Year of Release: 2009
Genre:  Horror
IMDB Rating: 3.4 / 10
Level of Awful: High

WHAT ITS ABOUT:

When nobody bothers to make a Wikipedia page for a movie it really tells you something. Zombie Women of Satan is also a misleading title since Satan, like the plot-line, is nowhere to be found.

A travelling group of freaks, headed up by Pervo the Clown, go to a rural farm to take part in a webcast interview to help them gain more followers and make the public aware of their awesome freakishness. Unbeknownest to our little group, however, this same rural farm is also home to a combined cult for women / zombie research laboratory. When the zombie virus is mistakenly added to a bowl of punch women, with breasts flying, are sent on a murderous, cannibalistic rampage that only this little band of circus freaks can stop. To add a little suspense the main kick-ass female of the group, Red Zander, discovers her long-lost sister in amongst the women of the cult. The group must then attempt to save the sister while avoiding the mad doctor, his weird and mad children, his weirdly demented and tied-up wife (or mother, or wife / mother – the movie isn’t really clear on this one), as well as the now-zombified members of this odd little cult.

But never fear, dear viewer: to ensure that the tension of this movie doesn’t all become too much, it is broken up by a good 10 minutes of a midget named Zeus taking a shit in the woods.

THINGS I’VE LEARNED:

• In a world filled with homophobia, the perverted clown and gay cowboy couple will never be allowed to know just how long their love could last.
• When done in the name of science, having sex with a zombie is completely ethical.
• It is also entirely appropriate to show said sex scene with the zombie to your mother (or grandmother, or mother / girlfriend or mother / grandmother / sex slave – again, this is a grey area).
• Daddy issues will lead girls to start and organise cults to get their father’s attention.
• A good zombie research scientist is confident enough in his work to not keep a large supply of guns and bullets on hand.
• Clowns have a really bad aim when armed with a chainsaw.
• Midgets, like bears, really do shit in the woods.
• Before fighting off a pack of zombies, be sure to remove all of the protective armour you happened to have on at the time.

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