WHAT IT’S ABOUT:
Just thinking about this movie again makes me giggle. It was either a very entertaining hour and a half or the worst thing I’ve ever seen, I can’t quite decide. The best way to imagine this movie, I feel, is that had it been made in the 1950s it would have probably been an incredible creature feature. That may be what gives it a little bit of its charm. It has absolutely everything you could want from a b-movie: Aliens with Predator-like cloaking abilities, reverse Avatars, special effects that are right up there with the likes of Birdemic and a very 80s Casio soundtrack. All these wonderful things, wrapped up in a cacoon of blue candyfloss. Definitely not for the inexperienced b-movie viewer, but I’d give it a recommend to the more seasoned amongst us; if nothing else it’s one hell of an experience. It’s also the only movie I’ve watched during End of the World Month to score anything on the Breast-O-Meter.
Earth is under siege! Unbeknownst to all of us our forests are slowly being invaded by an alien race known as the Scythe (that’s Scythe with a hard ‘c’). Thankfully a strange race of pink-haired blue people are flying around the universe doing their utmost best to protect all the other little species out there. Earth falls within Ava’s sphere of protection, but unfortunately the robot she tried to send down that usually takes care of the hard ‘c’ed Scythe has malfunctioned. The lesson in all this? Never send a robot in to do a knock off James Cameron extraterrestrial’s job. The reason the robots are sent in is because they are designed to see through the Scythe’s cloaking abilities rather than Ava having to fumble around with her arms out in front of her. What ever will she do now?
We’ll get to that in a minute, because before the Earth can be invaded and we as the audience can take it all seriously there needs to be a group of people in danger that Ava has to save. Enter our team of stereotypes: Jock, Jock’s Friend with Benefits, Rebel Girl, Nerdy Virgin Guy, Nerdy Asian Girl and Slut. This lot’ve been friends since they were knee-high to a grasshopper and are heading out to a camping spot that they’ve been going to since high school. OK, nobody’s really friends with Slut, but Jock’s hoping that she can pop Nerdy Virgin Guy’s cherry. It’s understandable why nobody really likes her: while not only a bitch she is entirely impractical and thinks that wearing a pair of hooker heals is perfectly alright for taking a hike through the woods. With the Scythe nearby and looking for blood, of course, poor choice in footwear will soon be the least of the group’s problems.
So, with a malfunctioning robot and an alien on the loose, Ava must come down to Earth and save us all from the horror. Being an alien and unable to breathe in Earth’s atmosphere Ava will actually stay in her ship and send down a human avatar imbued with her life force to do the job. When she meets up with the group of hikers they’re a little bit wary of the leather-clad female with Ke$ha-like autotune for a voice but after a little story and nearly killing one of them they’re all ready to jump on board and do their bit to save the world. They need to find where the Robotar’s (the robot that’s going to protect the world) pod landed so that they can go and fix it. Trust will become an issue since the Scythe can shape shift into anyone whose DNA it has come into contact with and there’s the small issue of humanity being a hopelessly technologically backwards species. Can the group come together to power up the machine and save the world or is Earth doomed to becoming a plastic alien’s new breeding ground?
LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:
- Giant explosions and fire balls in the sky are no cause for alarm.
- Women hike up to cabins just so they can complain that they want to go home.
- Some girls will sleep with a homeless guy just to make him feel better.
- Stilettos make less than desirable hiking boots.
- Sluts make superb bear hunters.
- Just because everyone else goes off to save someone doesn’t mean you can’t scarf down breakfast.
- Earthlings are highly insulted when they’re told that English is one of the simplest languages in the universe.
- It’s mankind’s fault that the Earth and the solar system only have one sun.
ALIENS VS AVATARS TRAILER
Year of Release: 2009
Genre: Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 3.2 / 10
Level of Awful: Surprise!
WHAT IT’S ABOUT:
Well, I’m shocked. With a name like Bikini Girls on Ice and an IMDB rating of 3.2 I really thought that I was in for a rough ride with this one but once I got beyond my disappointment that there wasn’t an ice rink involved I actually started to enjoy the movie. It isn’t good in the same way that Hatchet or Trick ‘r Treat are good movies, but rather it is good in the sense that, as slasher movies go, it actually delivers the goods. Rather than a good b-grade movie that brings some level of foolishness to the table Bikini Girls follows a tried-and-tested formula that works. Is it big budget? No. Does it have the best actors? No. Does it really matter? No, it’s girls in bikinis. If you’re looking to kill an hour and a half and looking for some blood and boobs then Bikini Girls on Ice is for you!
So we begin our story as so many have before when a sorority of some sort is involved: head bitch Lena wants to have a car wash to raise money for something. Obviously when all you have is bitchiness and boobs you need to use your limited talents in the most effective way possible and to do this she enlists a bunch of other girls to run around in nothing but a bikini with her and wash strangers’ cars in the most seductive way possible. Lena doesn’t have to do much work because, as mentioned, she’s a bitch with boobs and knows a jockish virgin named Blake who will run around after her like a little puppy dog in the vain hope of getting her to have sex with him. Admittedly she could probably just lick her lips in his direction and it would get the job done, but I digress. Along for the ride is Tommy, Blake’s more down-to-earth friend who can drive a bus, and Jenna and Sam, two non-bitchy but still hot-in-a-bikini friends.
When the bus everyone is riding in breaks down outside an abandoned gas station and will take several hours to fix, the girls decide to set up shop where they are and begin flagging down customers. They’ve got a fantastic trade going on, but a creepy old man who looks like a homeless version of Santa has driven by to warn Jenna and Sam that something isn’t quite right at this gas station and that car lights can be seen going into the parking lot but never leaving again. Thinking the man is mad and that they have nothing to fear from an empty building with 100 freezers full of ice the girls go about their day washing cars and one another in soapy, slippery bliss. But of course the gas station isn’t abandoned: lurking in its many rooms and basements is a deranged mechanic named Moe who has some serious anger issues and releases some of his pent-up frustrations by taking the nearest blunt object to the back of people’s heads.
As the day wears on, several girls and two French tourists go missing and most of the other girls decide to walk to the beach, Lena, Sam, Jenna, Tommy and Blake decide that it’s time to pack up and go home. That was, at least, until Lena told Blake she’d have sex with him, he pulled the bus round the back and was then replaced with a dead dog. While looking for Blake the rest of the group finds a bunch of cars parked round the back, most with their owners’ possessions still in them. When a disagreement between Sam and Lena breaks out and Sam beats Lena to the floor in the most amazing bitch fight I’ve seen in a movie in ages everyone goes their own way to try to find a phone and Blake. When Blake manages to call the main phone in the office and get hold of Lena the stupid cow, assuming that his warning of a grisly death to come is a joke, rips the wire out the phone so that it won’t work. Meanwhile Moe is busy stalking about in the night picking the girls off one-by-one and everyone needs to try to find a working car and a group survival instinct if they intend to make it back home in one piece.
Blood and guts and boobs and butts and I thoroughly recommend it 🙂
LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:
- Slutty bitches will always take advantage of a sweet, jockish virgin.
- Jockish virgins will always stupidly believe what the slutty bitch is promising him.
- Old men love to regale scantily clad girls with stories from their youth.
- Girls think a sledge-hammer can fix a broken bus engine.
- For $5 extra not only will you get your car washed but one of the girls will have sex with you.
- Beware the non-bitchy hot girl in a bikini – she packs a mean punch.
- Nobody thinks that a dead dog on a bus with the driver missing is even slightly odd.
BIKINI GIRLS ON ICE TRAILER
Year of Release: 2007
IMDB Rating: 4.5 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium
WHAT IT’S ABOUT:
I had an internal debate with myself about how to rate this movie. For the most part I was inclined to give it a ‘Low’ rating, mainly because the film is cohesive, it does deliver a few good scares and the clown is frightening as hell. I ultimately settled on a ‘Medium’ rating, however, for several reasons: the movie relies on more than the average amount of horror clichés and, for the most part, feels like a combination of Killer Klowns from Outer Space and I Know What You Did Last Summer. It is more predictable than most b-horrors (watch for about 15 minutes and you’ll have figured out what’s going on) and the killer swaps between being human and something more supernatural a little more than would be regularly admissible. Despite this, when all is said and done, the movie is very watchable provided you can ignore some of the inconsistencies that creep in and Leighton Meester’s singing.
Hella-Burger is the biggest fast-food chain in the city of Blanca Carne (Spanish for ‘white meat’ – clever right?) and its mascot, Horny the Clown, is a town institution. Unfortunately for the town’s teenagers the drive-thru speaker has grown a body and has started going on a killing spree. The clown has amazing speed, a giant meat cleaver and a demonic metallic voice that all adds up to being a rather cool and effective horror villain. While he’s taking out the 2 town wiggers and their hos Mackenzie Carpenter (Leighton Meester) is having a little house party to celebrate her and her friends’ upcoming high school graduation. As most of the people begin to leave the party Mackenzie, her boyfriend Fisher and their inner circle go upstairs to partake in a little weed smoking and playing with a Ouija board. When Mackenzie and Fisher are alone the board begins to write all on its own and the two are left to try and decipher what the meaning of the board’s message is.
Unfortunately for Mackenzie messages from the beyond begin to appear in more and more places and, after escaping Horny’s attacks once, she needs to try and figure out who is communicating with her and who is next on Horny’s hit list. And all of this needs to be done while Fisher constantly tries to get into her pants. As the killings become more elaborate and closer to home Mackenzie begins to see a pattern in Horny’s murderous rampage and realises that a dark secret lies beneath this sudden outburst of clown terror. The police don’t believe her, her parents are obsessively worried about her and her friends are constantly high and wanting to split up to go and look for the killer. Despite these odds Mackenzie needs to quickly come up with a plan to stop Horny before her head lands up on his delightfully evil chopping block.
THINGS I’VE LEARNED:
- In a town called Blanca Carne you aren’t going to see a black person anywhere.
- Due to the absence of black people 50% of all white teenagers are wiggers.
- The other 50% of white teenagers are all stoners.
- When placing your order at the drive-thru if the speaker gets it wrong, leave it alone. Otherwise it might kill you.
- When a Ouija board starts to write things on its own, take very little notice. It probably isn’t that important.
- A plastic tent stake is not an effective tool against a demonic clown.
- Police never trust the one person who actually knows what’s going on.
- When a demonic clown is on the loose killing people it’s an ideal time to set up a haunted house.
- Lying with your face in boiling oil is not an advisable exfoliation method.
- Fast food kills. One way or another.
Year of Release: 2001
Genre: Thriller / Horror
IMDB Rating: 2.9 / 10
Level of Awful: High
WHAT IT’S ABOUT:
I like to think that I’m a kind person and, where possible, give a movie a break. This was too painful, however, and the only thing that saves it from having a rating of ‘Requires Post-Film Lobotomy’ is the fact that, although it was terrible, I was more bored than anything else. There is a vague attempt at a plot line and it does all try to come together and I give the director great credit for achieving at least that much. But for all it may get points for that this film contains some of the worst acting and horrible CGI effects I have ever seen (and I’ve seen Snakes on a Train). The movie itself is divided into four sections: the main arc features three teenagers trapped in the woods forced to sit around a campfire with a park ranger (who, judging by the way he speaks, is clearly a stroke victim with a bad attitude) listening to ‘scary’ stories, which make up the three other segments.
Story #1 starts in a mental institution where some ethically questionable doctors are conducting experiments on pain thresholds using the mental patients as guinea pigs. Now I don’t know who thought testing violent experiments on clinically violent and unstable people would be a good idea but needless to say one of the patients escapes, kills his doctor and goes on to become a grounds keeper at a local high school. Having been rendered a little slow in the brain department by the experiments he becomes the focus of taunts by four jocks (look out for Perez Hilton as one of them. Oh how I laughed…). When the jocks are stopped from beating the grounds keeper up they decide that the next best thing to do is kill him during their lunch break and, armed with hockey sticks, chase him into the woods. Of course this has BAD IDEA written all over it and soon the tables are turned as our insane grounds keeper begins to take out the jocks one by one and teach them a lesson in good manners.
Story #2 gives the audience the best lesson in saying no to drugs. Here we are given 3 fresh idiots to watch and they have apparently been going on a little murderous rampage across the good ol’ US of A. While in a little diner in the back and beyond they see an Indian come in for coffee and decide to murder him, which they promptly do after following him home. Now the Indian had been smoking something weed-like that had led him to have some terrible CGI hallucinations and the kids decide that they also need to smoke it. This leads them to have even worse CGI hallucinations. Somehow, in what is admittedly a very confused storyline, the Indian turns out to not be dead and ages the kids until they are about 80. The segment ends with them enjoying an early bird special.
The final segment brings us yet another crop of freshly farmed morons and by far the most confusing story in the movie. Here, again out in the back and beyond, we have four teenagers, 2 boys and 2 girls, who are looking to have a little fun. 1 couple are still virgins, 1 guy is a horny jock and the other girl is his ex-girlfriend (or just girlfriend, the movie switches between the two). Now the ex-girlfriend manages to convince the other girl to come up with a revenge plot (revenge for what exactly, or what they plan to do, is never really explained) for the two guys since virgin girl thinks someone is sneaking around outside. After teasing the boys with the promise of a lesbian strip show and a threesome or foursome the boys are blindfolded and told to find the girls with only their hands. Unfortunately for the group someone is indeed wandering around outside (and it’s not just the dumb deputy sheriff who crops up occasionally) and, one by one, the teenagers are taken out.
THINGS I’VE LEARNED:
- Killing sprees need to be planned around afternoon band practice.
- Schools don’t have teachers working in them.
- Football practice is best done in a grove of trees.
- Doctors always conduct experiments in the dark.
- Wolves howl like the pterodactyls in Jurassic Park.
- Killing an Indian sucks the life right out of you.
- Tequila shots now qualify as cocktails.
- You can drink tequila without taking the cap off the bottle.
- You can blast things onto the Internet.
- Revenge is a dish best served in a revealing miniskirt.
Year of Release: 2005
IMDB Rating: 4 / 10
Level of Awful: High
WHAT ITS ABOUT:
A little bit like Blood Dolls but only worse, director Charles Band has managed once again to rehash a concept that was better left untouched after they got it right with Puppet Master. To be fair, the movie probably could have been saved if it was about 20 minutes longer (the entire movie clocks in at 71 minutes), had better actors, a higher budget, better locations, a different script and a different plot line. The acting especially left me cold on this one; the characters are SO bad and irritating that you land up being cheerleaders for the dolls just so that you have one less irritating college cliché to deal with. The tagline may be ‘Reborn for Revenge’, but looking at the acting in this piece of cheese, I vote that it should be changed to ‘Reborn to do us all a favour’.
We start our magical little tale of pint-sized murder in Chicago, 1911. Little Sophia sits on the floor playing with her handmade dolls before accidentally breaking an antique vase. Her bat-eared abusive father hears the vase break and comes downstairs to investigate. After threatening to beat her he decides that the only punishment that will fit this crime is to force Sophia to dig a grave deeper than she is tall and bury the dolls. Once she has finished the task and begins to climb out she loses her footing and falls back into the grave, breaking her neck. Her father, presumably not wanting to be caught for murder, buries her alongside the dolls, where the 5 of them enjoy delightful afterlife tea parties until they can be set loose on the world.
Unfortunately the movie decides to skip ahead 94 years so we can see what happens when the dolls come to life. In 2005 the property is now inhabited by dad Lester, older daughter Deedee and young son Guy. Guy’s your typical b-movie geek who likes to sit in his room, collect mint-condition action figures and hide Hustler magazines under his bed. To add to his collection of collectible collectibles, he stumbles across one of Sophia’s dolls while out raking the yard and decides to bring it inside to be cleaned. Meanwhile Lester is preparing to go on a date and Deedee is planning on having some friends over. Deedee and her two girlfriends Olivia and Terri make up the time-honoured b-movie female trio: Deedee is the bitch, Olivia is the blonde slut and Terri is the embodiment of virginal innocence. Added to this mixture are the two usual jocks: Jock # 1 (Rich) is the misogynistic, beer-drinking, sleep-with-anything-that-moves kinda guy, while Jock # 2 (Tom) is the more sensitive and sensible kinda guy, as well as Deedee’s boyfriend.
Unfortunately for our group of friends Jocks #1 & #2 decide to tie Guy up when they crash the girl’s party, unleashing Sophia and her dolls’ fury who then go after everyone in the group in order to defend Guy against being hurt in the same way that Sophia was. The group of dolls is made up of a tribal warrior, a samurai, a baby girl in desperate need of a dentist’s appointment and a German soldier who together lead the audience through surprisingly few murders, completely stupid antics and the spirit of a little girl who only wants to possess the body of a little boy and live for all eternity while commanding her army of 4 brutish little dolls.
THINGS I’VE LEARNED:
- A girls’ night out actually involves staying home.
- You should only phone 911 as an absolute last resort.
- 911 doesn’t take you seriously if you tell them you’re being attacked by dolls.
- Dolls and children should always be buried separately or else the dolls will become possessed.
- Despite being made of plastic, dolls drool a lot.
- The sounds of screaming don’t carry in a medium-sized house. AT ALL.
- Once you have hit a doll that has attacked you, the best plan is to sit down and wait for it to scurry away.
- Not wanting to sleep with 814 men makes you close-minded.
- When a doll is about to shoot you, it would be very considerate if you could stand up straight to give it the best possible shot.
- Never run out of the house when you know the killers are in the same room as you.
- When a killer doll is staring you in the face, compliment him on his physique.
- Despite the fact that the dolls only come up to your ankles, don’t try to kick them out of your way to make your escape. Rather stand in a group and wait for them to just take you out.