Twilight: The Ultimate Movie Marathon

Alright, I’ll be the first to say it: this was a dumbass idea team!  And I can’t even blame the team for this; this was entirely my own idea. Against my own better judgement, the combined better judgement of Tropical Mary, Stygian Mole and the Occult Specialist, and against any common sense whatsoever I insisted that we watch these movies as part of an Ultimate Movie Marathon. The thought behind it was that if we could make it through them all (even if it meant Debbie Gibsoning the hell out of ourselves), we would be some of the most hardcore movie watchers out there. It wasn’t a good thought. These movies stole my smart, they stole my will to live, and my friends want to burn me as a witch for what I did to them.

It started out like any other UMM day, with all the snacks and coke and cigarettes at the ready, but we knew that this wasn’t going to be easy. We also knew that, since this ‘saga’ is aimed at teenagers, we wouldn’t be able to do our regular breast-to-death ratio since there would be minimal death and nary a breast in sight. Instead, we decided to go with something more practical: stares (sorry Stygian Mole!) to men’s nipples (OK, watching the Occult Specialist handle this was kinda fun). Now, since most people are well aware of what these stupid movies entail, I’m gonna give you a brief summary of each one before plowing into the stream of consciousness to show you what we went through, all in the name of b-horror blogging.

TWILIGHT

You can either be vampires, or you can be the Pussycat Dolls, but you can’t be both.

Year of Release: 2008
Genre: Drama / Fantasy
IMDB Rating: 5.2 / 10
Level of Awful: High

You know what, I’m not going to be entirely unfair and start this off on a bad note. Yes, this movie was absolutely rubbish and is most likely partly responsible for how stupid some kids are becoming these days, but so far as the Twilight Saga has to offer, this is about as good as it gets. It teaches young girls the importance of going to ludicrous extremes to date MUCH older men and then to cling on desperately no matter what the consequences. I’m really trying to find nice things to say about this movie but they really aren’t coming, so I’ll have a look at what we were thinking as we watched:

• Fuck you Summit Entertainment!
• Who needs dialogue when you have a crappy soundtrack?
• Mouth-breathing really abounds in this little town.
• There’s nothing more important than having a good work lamp.
• It’s hard to look good in a wheelchair.
• When he changes into a werewolf do you think it’s like those dogs who have no back legs and have to go around on wheels?
• Who needs to look at their timetable in slow mo?
• Why is everyone laughing?
• What the hell’s an Olympic sized penis?
• Inability to pour ketchup. Just wow.
• And angsty Enya plays on…
• No normal human being needs to breathe as much as Bella does.
• That stare will destroy the universe.
• If Edward kills her now we might just get out of this…
• Edward suffers from severe bipolar disorder.
• Apple Cheese. That is all.
• Let the useless dialogue never abate!
• Hair prosthetics for the win!
• How come Edward did all the running but Bella’s out of breath?
• Bella = battered woman’s syndrome + Stockholm syndrome.
• Behold the lesser spotted squatting vampire.
• Meanwhile, at IKEA headquarters…
• Sleep isn’t that fascinating. Really.
• Quickly, back to the travelator!
• She just got thrown against a pillar AND STILL Bella’s face will not move.
• Throw in one last squint stare for good measure and… The End.

Dear God no, looking at one of them is bad enough.

TWILIGHT: NEW MOON

Year of Release: 2009
Genre: Drama / Fantasy
IMDB Rating: 4.5 / 10
Level of Awful: Requires Post-Film Lobotomy

If Twilight taught us the importance of going to outlandish extremes to keep our man, then New Moon teaches us the fundamental importance of self-destructive behaviour when that relationship burns itself out spectacularly. This was also the movie that introduced werewolves into the ‘storyline’.

The werewolves, and particularly Bella and Jacob’s relationship, did get me thinking though. Maybe things are different in small town America, or maybe it’s just cynicism that comes with being in my mid-20s, but if a girl came up to me and told me that she had met this amazing guy with long, luscious hair and a ripped body who liked to run around the woods shirtless and in short shorts with a bunch of other guys in similar attire, I would caution her against such a relationship. Not because there’s anything wrong with it, but just because that kind of relationship doesn’t tend to go very far. But anyways…

• Fuck you Summit Entertainment!
• No one suspects the Inquisition!
• Here, have a shitty onion ring weaver bird nest dream catcher.
• I found it while I was rummaging through your private stuff.
• Damned – like in Hell.
• Come on, let’s go for YET ANOTHER walk.
• If this is about my soul, then you can just bloody well take the damn thing.
• It’s not the best colour on her, but desperation is the only colour Bella owns.
• The Return of Angsty Enya.
• By the sounds of things, someone’s murdering swine.
• Self-destructive lunacy is the best kind of lunacy.
• Hallucinations can be problematic.
• Bitch, have you seen these guns?
• Twilight: New Moon presents: RuPaul’s Drag Wolves.
• What the hell is she screaming about now?
• It’s not gay if it’s in a 3-way.
• Jorts for Jesus!
• Mouth-breathing in the rain.
• I will kill you fastly!
• They transformed into guinea pig wolves.
• The wolf’s out of the bag, so to speak.
• Don’t fill up on bread!
• He has the capacity to brutally kill me – I must have him.
• Even MORE life-threatening behaviour.
• He’s like his own sun, in that it hurts to look at him.
• Come over here while I firmly friend zone you.
• Oh, it’s a beautiful day for some recreational suicide.
• The most uneventful reunion EVER.
• It’s like watching a gay vampiric version of X-Men.
• Have twitchy dreams and crazy eyes!
• Let me just friend zone you one more time and… The End.

TWILIGHT: ECLIPSE

DO IT!!!

Year of Release: 2010
Genre: Drama / Fantasy
IMDB Rating: 4.8 / 10
Level of Awful: Requires Post-Film Lobotomy

Now, here’s the other thing that pisses me off about the Twilight movies: they’re brilliant at taking good, solid concepts of vampiric lore and turning them into absolute crap. I present, for your consideration, Eclipse‘s rogue vampire, Victoria, starting a whole new brood of vampires that she will lead as an army. Sounds pretty cool, right?

Well, it isn’t. Victoria’s raising said army to go after Bella because her boyfriend and Edward got into a little scrap back in the first movie and her boyfriend ended up as a pile of dust. Pretty lame, right? Well, add this to it: according to these movies, vampires are at their very strongest just after they have turned, and vampires effectively become weaker as they age. Then what the hell’s the point? And then there’s all the usual self-destructive behaviour and the banal love triangle of Bella, Jacob and Edward to enjoy for two hours. Joy.

• Fuck you Summit Entertainment!
• The flowers are blossoming like her womanhood.
• Getting tired of these pseudo-visions.
• Behold the world’s most epic quilt!
• Cue a pseudo-Metallica quote.
• Bella’s kind of like Switzerland but without the fun.
• Dull history lesson is exceptionally dull.
• Pretending to act.
• Those mountains have definitely been green screened.
• You can still see the green screen around her hair.
• Lamest movie yet.
• Misdirected youth for the win!
• EVEN MORE STARES!
• Them Sireens did this to me!
• She pulled the strings and he danced.
• Bring on the awkward sex scene!
• No sex scene.
• He’s 109 years old and needs her father’s permission. Because he’s old school like that.
• I’ll secure the area! But not tonight…
• Edward suffers from chronic constipation.
• I have no body heat – I feel so inadequate.
• Are those polystyrene rocks?
• Fangs? Fangs now? Fangs never…
• A three-movie long vendetta? LAME!
• Heat apparently burns morphine.
• Bella literally stumbles through her life.
• She wants to do it right.
• She gets given a costume jewellery ring.
• Fuck you Stefenie Meyer!
• The End.

You know you need a tan when you’re more see through than water.

TWILIGHT: BREAKING DAWN PART 1

Year of Release: 2011
Genre: Drama / Fantasy
IMDB Rating: 4.8 / 10
Level of Awful: Requires Post-Film Lobotomy

You know, these movies make very little sense at the best of times, but this one really did take the biscuit. You’re young, you’re in love, and you’ve been saving yourself for just the right guy before you decide that he’s the one who’s going to make you a woman – I can totally respect that. But of all the reasons in the world to wait until you’re wedding day, you hold off because he just might fuck you to death? If someone could ACTUALLY do that, I’d be all over them like it was no one’s business.

That aside, this is when the movies start getting ‘serious’ – Bella EVENTUALLY marries Edward, they screw like awkward bunnies and break several beds, she can somehow still walk, and then she falls pregnant with a child that slowly consumes her. Had this been any other movie this plot might actually have stood a chance of being interesting, but it’s Twilight so it really wasn’t.

• Fuck you Summit Entertainment!
• Yet more terrible green screen.
• Dat angst is back with an almighty vengeance.
• Surely movie 4 is a bit late to do full disclosure?
• Every one keeps telling Bella she’s beautiful. STOP LYING TO THE GIRL! She needs to face reality.
• It’s a slut-back wedding dress.
• Jacob calls no take backsies!
• Shittest. Speeches. Ever.
• Yet another Volvo rolls onto the scene.
• The Volvo just out acted the entire cast.
• Rio – a city built on whoredom.
• Even sex has to be angsty.
• “I promise I’ll try” – try what?
• Chess is so much more fun when you play it on honeymoon.
• Mmm… delicious, uncooked chicken.
• Angsty Enya’s still hanging in there.
• There’s nothing more romantic than delicate stomach caresses.
• A phone doesn’t need a dial tone to make a call.
• Suddenly, a very pregnant Bella appears.
• The love triangle is only justified if she lives.
• Talking wolves = cheese.
• Welcome to IKEA Headquarters Remastered.
• I feel an unepic showdown on the horizon.
• Bella’s not really close to death, she just doesn’t have makeup on.
• Everything’s fun when you soft science with a bendy straw.
• His ‘venom’? Sure, if that’s what you wanna call it…
• Bella as a corpse is better acting than Bella alive.
• Werewolves – foiled by tree climbing.
• Werewolf laws are very convenient.
• Epic montage is unepic!
• Fuck you Bill Condon!
• The End.

TWILIGHT: BREAKING DAWN PART 2

Amazonian vampires? Should’ve been cool. Wasn’t.

Year of Release: 2012
Genre: Drama / Fantasy
IMDB Rating: 5.7 / 10
Level of Awful: Requires Post-Film Lobotomy

Now, after just over 8 hours of pain, we arrived at the final chapter of the Twilight ‘saga’. While all of the movies raised a few questions, this one just baffled me. So, Bella gives birth. Question: Edward’s 110-years-old, has no blood, no pulse, he doesn’t breathe, and he doesn’t blink, but somehow he has viable sperm. Really? Secondly, Jacob finally learns why he hasn’t been able to imprint on anyone (i.e. pick his mate) – he was waiting for Bella and Edward’s baby, Renesmee (which, to be honest, is a shit name for a child) so that he could imprint on her. Now, where I come from, that kinda thing is illegal and may well get you lynched.

The saddest thing about this movie, though, is that it was about as close to being epic as this series was ever going to get. It had one whelming battle scene that turned out to be nothing more than a pseudo-vision, and a variety of vampires that should have been awesome but really weren’t. In short, this franchise closes on a decidedly ugh note.

• Fuck you Summit Entertainment!
• Selective sparkling is selective.
• Bella’s back, and she’s in the mood for some violent PG 13 fondling.
• Oh little deer, you are fucked.
• Cougars just became slightly more endangered.
• Barely inferred nipples.
• Bella’s an even bigger bitch now that she’s dead.
• What an impish looking child.
• Suddenly, maternal instincts.
• Loch Ness Monster = bad nickname.
• He fell in love with a single ovum.
• Here, we built and decorated a home in a single day for you.
• I love our generic house from the Home Whore collection.
• Breaking (nipple) Dawn.
• Oh right, I still have a family.
• Shirts for dresses = easy, whorish access.
• Amazonian Vampires, now available with Naomi Campbell hair.
• Amazonian Vampires, now available with LSD powers.
• Tropical Mary’s elbow is a more amazing woman than anyone in this group.
• Smell and taste can never be taken away from you!
• Mentally, Bella has no mental.
• Essentially Edward’s just telling her that she’s a shitty stripper.
• Book burnings save the lives of vampires.
• If it has a hydrangea on the table, you know it’s a classy restaurant.
• Parental angst kicking in!
• Bella just got out acted by a child.
• The Gregorian Masters of Chant are invading!
• We pitched a battle, and then didn’t have a battle.
• This isn’t even remotely close to Sparta.
• MOTHER FUCKING COP OUT!!
• Just wasted 30 minutes of this movie’s runtime for an outcome of nothing.
• Screw your future predictions.
• FUCK ALL THESE FUCKING MOVIES!!
• The End.

FINAL THOUGHTS

So, after over 10 hours of movie, many threats against my life, the Occult Specialist in visible pain and Tropical Mary eating her hair, we finally arrived at the end of the 5 Twilight movies. Now, I’m going to be fair – on a technical, academic level, I can totally see why this franchise is so popular amongst teenagers, especially quite young ones. The movies are just naughty enough without ever really exposing the viewer to anything that may be considered risqué.

Then there’s the angry side of me that sat through all these movies that has an entirely different perspective. But even putting anger and 10 wasted hours aside, these movies are just weak. Nothing in them is an inherently bad (or, to be honest, new) concept, but the execution is abysmal. None of the three primary characters are particularly strong actors, the romance is both strained and very unhealthy, the epic scenes are entirely unepic, vampire lore has been thrown out the window in favour of a glitter gun and the idea that the older a vampire gets, the more useless it becomes. Oh, and for the purposes of these movies, vampires don’t have fangs. I honestly cannot find a single redeeming feature about this franchise at all, and Lord knows I’ve really tried. As an  advocate for reading, I couldn’t even commend the series for getting kids to read again. Illiteracy would be a better option.

But enough of my complaining. Ultimate Movie Marathons are about two things: the prestige of saying that we watched an entire franchise in a single sitting, and some very scientific calculations about the content of the franchise. As I said earlier, breast and death counts would have been pointless in these movies, so we instead went for stares and men’s nipples. In total, over 5 movies with an approximate run time of 10 hours, different characters stared at one another 1517 times. That equates to roughly 2.5 stares for every minute of film. Equally, over the same amount of time, you will be exposed to 161 shots of nipples. That gives us a final stare-to-nipple ratio of 9.4:1.

In closing, I would like to take this opportunity to once again offer my sincerest apologies to my team. I am an educated man, and I should have known better than to think that this was a good idea. Nevertheless, a very big thanks to all of them for sticking by me through this little experiment, and I absolutely promise that I will have no say in the movies for the next UMM.

Another very big thank you to everyone who kept us going through the live tweeting madness, and to all of you who just read everything I wrote. It is much appreciated. Until next time! 🙂

HONEST TRAILER: TWILIGHT

HONEST TRAILER: NEW MOON

HONEST TRAILER: ECLIPSE

HONEST TRAILER: BREAKING DAWN

BUY THE TWILIGHT SAGA AT AMAZON.COM

Vampire Boys

Year of Release: 2011
Genre: Horror / Romance
IMDB Rating: 2.5 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium
Breast-O-Meter: 0 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Oh dear, watching this back to back with Hookers in a Haunted House really wasn’t my best idea; between the two of them I’m not sure I have a sexual orientation anymore. With such high-profile stars as Jason Lockhart (of Aliens VS Avatars fame) and gay porn star Dylan Vox you can only begin to imagine the ride this movie’s 70 minutes are going to take you on. With all that said, provided you can withstand being constantly bombarded with naked torsos and the occasional penis, this movie is a great laugh; it’s so completely (and unintentionally) over the top you can’t help but roll your eyes and giggle at the sheer ludicracy of it all.

This is not what rock 'n' roll looks like.

Caleb’s just your regular young gay man moving to California to get away from the close-mindedness that is the American midwest. Being a trusting young thing he’s moving in with Paul, another conveniently gay man who just happened to be looking for a roommate. Caleb’s eager to leave his tarnished past as an all-star swimming champion behind and dedicate himself solely to pursuing a degree and finding the ideal spot for drinking herbal teas for hours on end. Paul has other ideas, but a more immediate concern for Caleb is what the enigmatic Jasin has in store for him.

It's just a routine lice inspection mother!

As a sign of the age we live in Jasin is considered an incredibly ancient vampire since he’s about to turn 100. Vampire law dictates that on his centenary Jasin needs to take a life mate, but finding this person is proving to be rather tricky. Up until this point Jasin and his flamboyant coven were convinced The One was Tara, a lovely, if somewhat desperate, young lady. This all changes when Caleb rocks up in town and Jasin starts to have visions (of a sexual nature) of him. Intrigued by this turn of events Jasin decides to court Caleb to see how open to being turned into a vampire he might be.

There I was, minding my own business, when suddenly: penis!

But of course since we’ve introduced all these other characters so we need to do something with them. Caleb becomes instantly smitten with Jasin, leaving poor Paul out in the cold. Not one to simply accept defeat Paul resorts to whining and well placed topless guitar playing in an attempt to seduce his would-be sweetheart. When this and more direct methods fail Caleb storms off and Jasin, sensing his boy toy is displeased, sends the shirtless coven to take care of business. One would hope that this would take care of the problem but soon there is dissension in the ranks. Fighting against gay vampire rights Logan, Jasin’s right-hand fang, insists that Tara should be chosen as The One. When Jasin refuses to listen Logan abducts Tara, hoping to draw Caleb out into the open so he can kill him. Can Jasin save Tara and keep the love of his life? Does Caleb love Jasin enough to be turned into a vampire? Will anyone ever come out fully clothed? You’ll have to watch to find out.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Herbal teas are sometimes the best idea a person can ever have.
• Male vampires do enjoy a spot of synchronised sun tanning.
• Roommates should feel comfortable enough with one another to walk around virtually naked.
• Gay vampire seduction is infinitely more awkward than straight vampire seduction.
• Living in a more enlightened age means that vampires can now freely hunt members of either sex to bolster the coven’s numbers.
• Men just give in to their girlfriend’s requests to have a threesome under a sunflower bush.
• Gay vampires are incredibly worried about disappointing their mothers.
• All star swimming champions are worshipped as gods in the midwestern states.
• Herbal tea has a gargantuan calorie count.
• Stray bullets tend to put a dampener on an otherwise perfect afternoon.
• Vampires communicate with mortals through tongue-on-tongue action.

VAMPIRE BOYS TRAILER

BUY VAMPIRE BOYS AT AMAZON.COM

Bite Marks

Year of Release: 2011
Genre: Horror / Comedy
IMDB Rating: 3.6 / 10
Level of Awful: Surprise!
Breast-O-Meter: 1 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

IMDB is a wonderful thing. Without it finding the movies for this blog would be incredibly difficult and the rating system gives you a vague idea of just how much pain you’re about to experience. Every now and then, though, I disagree with that rating system. It happened with Bikini Girls on Ice and now it’s happened with Bite Marks. This movie was actually really good and fun to watch and, unlike some other movies I’ve seen, it was intentionally funny. I’ll be the first to admit that I have low standards and if you throw in a waitress with a strong southern twang I’m happy but if you’re in the mood for some light-hearted horror then I suggest giving this one a spin.

Flaming (torch). Swallows (t-shirt).

Cary and Vogel are a nice young gay couple out on a backpacking adventure trying to rediscover some of the fire in their relationship. Cary is the nice, calm, down-to-earth guy and Vogel is, well, a slut. Vogel also doesn’t seem overly keen on this little adventure in the woods so when he manages to flag down a truck that’ll give them a ride he seems a little more content with life. Behind the wheel of the truck is Brewster, your typical rugged, unrefined but incredibly friendly truck driver. Not that he’s actually a truck driver but his brother went missing before he was meant to deliver some coffins to a funeral home so Brewster’s filling in for him. Not out of the kindness of his heart so much as he needs the money to keep up his affair with his brother’s wife but a favour is a favour. The three of them are soon on the road together, one to deliver coffins and two to see where the hell the road will take them.

Backstreet Boys: the later years.

Sadly Brewster, for all his rugged manliness, has been having troubles satisfying the ladies recently. Just can’t quite seem to keep the momentum going so to speak. The reason for this becomes glitteringly obvious when he spies Cary and Vogel getting in on in the filthy restroom of a restaurant they’ve stopped at along the way. Brewster’s not gay in any way, of course, but he does take the time to see how Cary and Vogel are doing and then feel himself up a little bit outside the door. Sexing and spying over it’s time to hit the road again and, as luck would have it, a car nearly crashes into them right outside their destination. If it hadn’t who knows how long they would’ve kept on driving.

Here's Jesus in your eye!

When the GPS tells them they’ve reached their destination our threesome is understandably confused. The coffins in the back are supposed to be going to a funeral home but the address they’ve been given is for a junk yard. Even more confusing are the noises coming from the back of the truck: sounds like someone’s playing a squash tournament back there. It becomes even more confusing when they open the back of the truck to discover only one coffin instead of the five listed on the inventory. This strangeness all comes to a head when suddenly, from out of nowhere, five ripped and bloody vampires appear and start nibbling on the owner of the junkyard. The truck’s axle is broken so nobody’s going anywhere so, armed with a cross, a toy Jesus, some holy water and a bible, Cary, Vogel and Brewster must lock themselves in the cab and try and stay alive until dawn, all the while trying to make sure the confined space and all that testosterone doesn’t get the better of them.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Sex is sex, so long as a lady gets her booze money.
• Some cell phones are so poorly made that their only practical use is as a butt plug.
• It’s quite common for waitresses to forget their panties in a public restroom.
• The best thing about being a man is that the whole world is your toilet.
• A torch is too small if you can’t even give a hamster a decent colonoscopy with it.
• Being trapped in a truck by vampires offers the perfect excuse for some same-sex experimentation.
• Good dogs make even better snacks.
• A burning vampire smells like a bag of spicy dog shit.

BITE MARKS TRAILER

BUY BITE MARKS AT AMAZON.COM

Subhuman

Year of Release: 2004
Genre:  Horror
IMDB Rating: 4.1 / 10
Level of Awful: High
Breast-O-Meter: 0 / 5

I did this guest review a while back while 1987 month was still in full swing and I didn’t want to disturb the disturbing flow 🙂 Never too late to read up on this little gem though – head on over to Horror Daily and then hang around to read his reviews of some other little gems floating around out there!

BUY SUBHUMAN AT AMAZON.COM

Cannibal Hookers

Year of Release: 1987
Genre: Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 2.2 / 10
Level of Awful: Requires Post-Film Lobotomy

MUSIC!

Jan Sterling – Angel Fire

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

I don’t know why, but usually when I have a great idea of some kind I end up regretting it deeply. The idea here was, as the last review for 1987 month, I had to go all out; there had to be at least one ‘Requires Post-Film Lobotomy’ review so that I could say this little experiment was a success. If that idea ever occurs again I hope someone will have the strength of conviction to take my laptop and beat me over the head with it because THIS WAS HORRIBLE! It has earned the high distinction of being one of the absolute worst movies I have ever seen, and the joke is it was only 67 minutes long. Whereas some movies, say Aerobicide for example, were painted with the 80s, in Cannibal Hookers the 80s walked in and threw up over everything. It’s just one gigantic mess from beginning to end and words cannot actually describe the true awfulness of this movie. But without words there would be no review, so I’m gonna give it a try anyway 🙂

By the gods, someone rip my eyes out and throw them in bleach!

Hillary is a rebel with an overbearing WASP of a mother who disapproves of her friends and the awful influence they have on her. All of these friends are actually only Deedee, a young lady who looks like a rebel but is actually quite quiet and sweet. Both girls, however, feel that they need some independence and as we all know the only place you’re ever gonna find that kind of thing is by joining a sorority house. But this isn’t any sorority house mind you, this is Gamma Zeta Beta, the sluttiest sorority on campus! Where this campus is we’re apparently never gonna find out, but if there’s a sorority house I assume it has to be attached to something. Because Hillary and Deedee rocked up to the initiation meeting (at the house of the head sister’s grandmother by the looks of things) late they have an extra special task to perform before being allowed in: they have to pose as hookers and attract a client. When they get the client and bring him back to another house they’ll be let in.

This place is an 80s mess! Clean it up NOW!

If running this blog has taught me anything it’s that nothing involving a sorority initiation will ever work out well, and why should Gamma Zeta Beta be any different? There’s a reason these ladies are so slutty and willing to go home with anything: in addition to being highly intelligent students at a leading university they’re also a blood cult. How this all works is a little hazy but it involves a lot of thongs, a lot of saggy asses, an occasional axe, the head sorority sister sleeping with a skull on her crotch and a mentally touched ogre named Lobo. Anyways Hillary and Deedee are out on the street and having some difficulty attracting tricks so they manage to sucker some of Hillary’s boyfriend’s friends into playing along so that they can get into the sorority and then go home. One thing leads to another and one of the friends lands up having his heart ripped out of his chest and smeared all over a woman’s breasts. Of course the story wouldn’t be horribly convoluted enough if we didn’t throw one last little thing into the mixture: while the women of this cult only want the internal organs of men to feast upon, biting another woman helps to spread the quasi-vampiric disease that’s affecting them. Will Hillary and Deedee manage to escape from the clutches of this terrifying cult? How many sleazy lives will be lost in their pursuit for eternal beauty? Does any of it really matter? No, no it doesn’t…

I couldn’t find a trailer for this movie so instead I’m including a clip from it. Might just give you a little insight into the horror that is Cannibal Hookers!

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• An axe handle fits quite comfortably in a hooker’s crack.
• A man will put up no resistance when a hooker bites his finger off.
• Being the sluttiest sorority on campus takes hard work.
• There’s no difference between a sorority and a whore house.
• Being unpopular is no different to being gang raped by nazis.
• For some people sex involves nothing more than remaining completely clothed and rolling your head around a lot.
• Anything that happened over a week ago is ancient history.
• Hookers are violently territorial and will resort to disembowelment if necessary.
• It is necessary for hookers to wake up seductively.
• Advice to new hookers: stay away from bisexuals, watch out for pimps and always charge extra for blowjobs.

CANNIBAL HOOKERS: HILLARY & HER MOM