Year of Release: 2011
IMDB Rating: 3.8 / 10
Level of Awful: High
Breast-O-Meter: 0 / 5
WHAT IT’S ABOUT:
Movies like this are the reason you should always double-check IMDB. When I got my copy I checked IMDB and it had a rating somewhere in the vicinity of 7 so I got it thinking that I could watch it one night when I was in the mood for a real movie. About 15 minutes into it I started thinking to myself, “none of these characters are at all likeable”, and my b-movie senses started to tingle. I checked IMDB again and to my delight it now had a 3.9 rating. My guess is that the people involved in making it hopped on and gave it the original good rating. Shame on you! I’m no stranger to bad movies but it’s not nice to catch someone off guard; I didn’t at all have my game face on. So far as the movie’s concerned, should you find yourself about to watch it, imagine The Descent but with less likeable people and a few Nazis thrown in for good measure.
If we are to believe this movie then everyone in the world enjoys nothing more than getting bombed out of their skulls at a little rave. While this applies across the board the people who are most likely to enjoy a rave are soldiers returning from fighting the war in Iraq. At least this is true for Eric, Storm and Mira. Luckily this particular rave is being held at a mysteriously abandoned US military base so the three should feel a bit more at home and they’re accompanied by a few others whose names completely escape me. Names aren’t particularly important anyway; every character is just a distinctly overdone cliché. Eric’s the badass sergeant type who’ll never leave a man behind, Storm is Latino so he’s obviously a gangster and Mira is the tough girl who, despite all her bravado, needs a man to help her through everything she does.
While everyone’s getting jiggy with it on the dance floor some guy gropes the arse of one of Storm’s friend’s girlfriend. The friend is obviously upset and gets into a little tiff with the man that’s twice his height but, since Storm is Latino and therefore obviously a gangster, it suddenly gets taken to a whole other level. I accidentally blinked at this point and when I opened my eyes again people were lying sprawled on the floor, knives were on people’s throats and guns were being fired at random. The guns must’ve been the final straw because the next thing you know Eric and Co. are running for their lives and taking shelter behind a rather heavy-duty door. The opposing Latino gangsters have the attention span of a fridge magnet so they quickly leave but Eric decides that they need to find another way out rather than facing what’s on the other side of the door. Poor guy, you’re in a horror movie! It’s what’s on your side of the door that you need to worry about.
Before this point you know that there are bimbos in this group but now you learn that they’re the constantly whining variety, which becomes very irritating very quickly. Unfortunately for them (but luckily for us) there are some demented creatures running around in this mysteriously abandoned military base that might just do away with them soon. You see, back in the day when World War II was coming to an end, the Nazis had a doctor especially trained in horrifying genetic experiments. Not seeing why the fall of Nazi Germany should bring an end to his work the American government brought him over to see what he could cook up for them. By using a few kidnapped women, lots of piping, a gas mask and by combining the DNA of humans, a crocodile and a few other select beasties he managed to create a species of hominids that think like soldiers, have the teeth of crocodiles, are afraid of nothing, are amphibious and remarkably good climbers. Eric and Co. will have to fight their way through the dark labyrinth of the base if they ever want to see daylight again while fending off fear and monsters with a taste for flesh.
Since everyone in the movie is irritating as hell I was personally rooting for the monsters, but you can watch for yourself and decide who you want to win.
LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:
- At the slightest sign of any trouble the US military will just abandon its bases and leave all their weapons behind.
- Despite being 3 stories underground a military base can still have windows that let in plenty natural lighting.
- US military bases are relatively uniform and dead easy to escape from.
- Women think it’s a much better idea to run off alone into the darkness than stay in a group for protection.
- There’s a huge market for well-trained but unemployed mad scientists with a Nazi background.
- You can ram any amount of tubing into a pregnant woman’s belly without there ever being a risk to the baby.
Fist of the Vampire
Year of Release: 2007
Genre: Horror / Action
IMDB Rating: 2.4 / 10
Level of Awful: High
WHAT IT’S ABOUT:
The phrase ‘sweet baby Jesus what just happened?’ can be thrown around a lot when you watch the kind of things I watch, and I feel that I’d by lying if I said I could tell you what was happening in this movie because I really can’t. I’d like to place most of the blame on the man in charge of carrying the microphone boom around (assuming the budget allowed for such a person) since he just couldn’t seem to muster the energy to follow the ‘actors’ around, so following the dialogue was incredibly difficult. The problems this movie faces are far too numerous to list (I like to keep my posts under 1000 words 🙂 ) but what I did manage to take from this movie is that anything, and I mean ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING, is apparently better if we film it in front of a green screen. I know this was intentionally done because I don’t believe the budget didn’t allow for filming in a park so there’s a stream of consciousness I’ve missed along the way somewhere, but I don’t have time to look for the paddle to go looking for the stream so I’m just gonna do my best to decipher this movie.
Right, now let’s face our initial challenge head-on: who the fuck is everyone? The only name that actually stuck with me is Lee Southward, our main character. Lee’s buff and butch and a cop with feminine dishes, granny linen and a dubious taste in women. Next is Officer Baksteen (actual name unknown – Baksteen is Afrikaans for ‘brick’. This sounds cooler and makes sense when you see his teeth) who seems to be Lee’s boss or something to that effect who gives Lee all of his assignments. After him is another cop that I will refer to as Life Insurance Guy because he just looks like the sort that would come door-to-door selling life insurance. Lee, Officer Baksteen and Life Insurance Guy all share one cellphone since the budget didn’t seem to stretch far enough for everyone to have their own phone. Added to this group of unmanly manly men is an unfortunately toothed female cop. These are the good guys. The bad guys are three vampires: Fat Vampire, Blonde Vampire and Slutty Bitch Vampire. These three are somehow involved in a 1977 family killing, being ring leaders in an underground fight club and generally being involved in drug deals and illicit prostitution. Baksteen & Co. are in charge of hunting down this group of miscreants, but obviously are unaware of the fact they are dealing with creatures of the night. And vampires.
So the vampires are running this underground fight club with the drugs and the prostitutes and a somewhat dimwitted fight audience when Lee comes in, posing as a fighter, to attempt to find out what’s going on and how best to bring these people to justice. What this has to do with the 1977 murder that we’re told about earlier is only vaguely alluded to later (in green screen). In amongst indecipherable scenes of 70s style pimps, a fat Hulk and some of the most horrible boobs you have ever seen (they’re either on the floor or so pointy they could take someone’s eye out) plans are made with hookers and fight nights are held on the beach that look like a cross between Survivor and Gregorian Masters of Chant. All that I know for certain is that as Lee gets closer to finding out who and what the vampires are and as the body count (gradually) begins to rise, the vampires get increasingly more and more pissed off. Bitch fights happen, punches are thrown and green screens are used in every possible way to build up to the most un-climactic ending whose only redeeming feature is that it marks the end of 93 minutes of torture.
As with Torment I really wish there was more I could leave you with, but I was so lost during this movie I needed a map to find my way back to reality. But I would recommend it for a laugh, especially when you get to see the entire 2 man film crew in Officer Baksteen’s sunglasses right near the end.
LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:
- A vampire’s basic cellular structure is made up of fishnet stockings.
- Breaking into a house is best done in killer heels.
- Bullets will ricochet off DVD covers, carpets, fridge doors, cupboards, boots and other guns.
- Walking closely to a wall means that, even if you are wearing luminous pink, people can’t see you.
- The police force clearly doesn’t cover any dental work that may need to be done.
- Machine guns do about as much damage as a rabid rat at close range.
- Nobody can stalk a vampire like a seasoned hooker.
- Sometimes a thong becomes so buried you shouldn’t even try to retrieve it.
Fist of the Vampire Trailer