WHAT IT’S ABOUT:
The Tropical Mary movie train rides again, with the axe-wielding Stygian Mole acting as our bodyguard against the b-grade horror. Admittedly, going in, the three of us didn’t expect much from a movie called Trailer Park of Terror. The fact that this was our 16th movie in 38 hours also meant that the mind wasn’t as strong as it once was and the line between reality and fiction was beginning to blur. Despite these rather significant odds this was actually one of those rare gems we occasionally find in the mountain of otherwise crap movies that I’ve managed to accumulate. If, like myself, you’re a sucker for a southern woman with a penchant for murder then this movie is definitely the one for you!
You know things are gonna get really trailer up in here when a movie opens with a shot of a doily on top of a TV and a woman wearing a scrunchie. Meet Norma, a lovely young thing with blonde hair, supple body and big dreams. She’s gone done met herself a strapping young fellow who’s everything she wants in a man (ie. he isn’t old enough to be her father, he isn’t a raging alcoholic and he doesn’t sell possum and racoon meat). To be honest the standards going around are relatively low, but that’s perfectly understandable given Norma’s humble (and dysfunctional) upbringing. Before going out to a dance Norma and her beau are accosted by some of the park’s residents; one thing leads to another and the boyfriend lands up impaled on a broken fence. Norma, justifiably pissed off, makes a deal with the devil and blows everyone and the trailer park to kingdom come. The tragedy that was Norma’s life came to an end that evening… Or did it?
Flash forward to a future with a lot of missing persons posters in the area of the old trailer park and Pastor Lewis is trying to bring a few lost souls back to Jesus. What part of ‘let’s stick half a dozen troubled teenagers in a bus together in the middle of nowhere’ sounded like a good idea I’m not quite sure but they’re here now so we might as well do something with them. While travelling out of a little town the brilliant Pastor Lewis plows their bus into a strangely abandoned truck. With the rain coming down in sheets they run off to find shelter and come across a conveniently placed trailer park run by a lovely woman named Norma. Sounding familiar? Norma’s delightfully southern, in a tiny red dress and only too happy to do whatever it takes to make this little group comfortable for the night. After all, southern people are known for their hospitality. They’re also known for making cheese grits, but that’s a separate story.
Of course every trailer park comes with its own ghosts, and these ones happen to be particularly vindictive. After killing the inhabitants of the trailer park Norma damned them all to haunt the place because of the deal she made and they’re now super psycho versions of their mortal selves. Red necks, angry Asian masseuses and an overly ‘voluptuous’ woman with a mild racoon meat addiction are the order of the day for our group of misguided youths. As a bunch of sex addicts, drug addicts, adulterers and cowards they’re really gonna have their work cut out for them if they’re gonna have any chance of surviving the night. Prepare yourselves for blood, beheadings and some epic undead drag racing to the edge of sanity and back!
LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:
- Hold it in for too long and you will start peeing acid.
- A trailer park isn’t a trailer park if there are no pink flamingos everywhere.
- If a man is a good lover a woman’s face will actually fall off while she’s having sex with him.
- You’re overdoing a back massage when the spine starts to rip through the skin.
- Many of the undead are trained to use landmines.
- Fresh meat brings all the undead to the yard.
- Proper food hygiene is a highly overrated practice.
- You can pray for forgiveness before you’ve actually committed the sin.
TRAILER PARK OF TERROR TRAILER
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Year of Release: 2009
Genre: Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 3.3 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium
WHAT IT’S ABOUT:
Right, let’s start this review off on a good note: the views from the filming location were spectacular! OK, now that that’s out of the way, we can get on with the movie itself. It wasn’t the worst thing I’ve ever seen, and I think I understand what it was aiming for, but nothing pulled together nicely. The ghosts were quite nicely done, but you see them so rarely that they don’t really make much of a difference. The characters are a little grating on the nerves and seem incapable of communicating through any form of cohesive thought process, choosing rather to throw little fragments of speech at one another and hoping that somewhere along the line the pieces will fall together in some recognisable pattern.
Like many horror movies before it, Necrosis (a.k.a. Blood Snow) tries to build a story around the tragic event that was the Donner Party. Of course historical accuracy is thrown out the window and what was once a story of human tragedy and the desperate lengths people will go to to survive becomes a short 3 minute introduction that portrays the Donner Party in what resembles a frenzied blood-lust. Satan’s hoofs are also thrown in for good measure. As usually happens when an area has experienced terrible horrors the story has passed into local folklore and the ghosts of both the victims and the murderers of the Donner Party are said to walk in the woods, both trying to lead unknowing victims to their frozen dooms.
But who cares about some gruesome local history and an approaching blizzard when you have a rented cabin on top of the mountain where there’s no cellphone reception or way back down if things were to go wrong? So along come our 6 friends / victims: couple Michael and Karen (Tiffany!), couple Jerry and Megan and singles-who’ve-been-bet-on-to-hook-up Matt and Samantha. There are the obvious hints that Matt’s been brought along by Michael to help him get over some recent emotional setback and nobody likes Jerry. Apart from that, the generator not working properly or the caretaker turning up frozen in the snow a few hours after the group arrives, this should be a lovely, relaxing weekend where the assembled company can get away from the hustle and bustle of the concrete jungle. Which is why they chose to go somewhere with no cellphone reception. Far away. In a blizzard. Clearly no one in this group saw The Shining, because we all know how well that worked out…
Soon after arriving and finding the frozen caretaker the group begins to experience some very vivid nightmares (well, one features cannibalism and the one features a topless woman who later resorts to cannibalism, so I’m not sure if it’s a half-and-half nightmare). Jerry’s also beginning to behave very strangely, convinced that he is seeing the ghosts of the Donner Party coming after him and his friends. These visions aren’t helped by the fact that the body of the caretaker just disappears from the snow (the group thinks it was probably an animal that dragged the body away but, while the characters didn’t seem to notice this, there are no marks in the snow to indicate that the body was dragged anywhere). Michael and Karen also went off a while ago to try and get help from the nearest town but Jerry is convinced a ghost has shown him their dead bodies. The problem with all of this is that Jerry has a history of mental ‘episodes’ for which he is on strong antipsychotics, and this forms the basis of the last 25 minutes of the movie. You know, the 25 minutes where something almost happens?
Again, I see what the director was going for, but it just didn’t quite pan out. So many elements are introduced to try and make the audience wonder whether the ghosts are real or if the group themselves are slowly descending into madness, and these certainly succeed at adding some confusion to an otherwise boring movie. But heed this lesson dear aspiring directors: if you introduce plot elements, you need to try and resolve them and not just leave them hanging in mid-air when the end credits roll round.
LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:
- Store bought possum just doesn’t compare to one that’s been freshly caught.
- A foosball table turns a bland, ordinary room into an amazing game room.
- Going exploring on a mountain you don’t know alone while it’s snowing is a fantastic idea.
- Cannibalism is OK because humans taste like chicken.
- Peeing someone’s name in the snow is a sign of true love.
- If you owned a Mustang at some point in your life there isn’t anything you can’t fix.