Year of Release: 2007
IMDB Rating: 3.1 / 10
Level of Awful: High
WHAT IT’S ABOUT:
Z-grade horror movies and I have a love-hate relationship with one another and over the years I’ve put up with a lot from would-be directors who can’t direct and “actors” that can’t act, but his one crossed a line. This movie has all the ingredients that go into making a horrible piece of cheese: non-existent budget, actors that can’t act, weak plot and weak writing, but if I’ve learned anything from reviewing horrible horrors it’s that there’s one thing that’s essential to making them: a blonde woman. And there isn’t one to be seen in this movie! Really guys? Aaron Harvey and Jason Melling, you should be ashamed of yourselves…
So we begin our tale with no blonde woman in the parking lot of a high school / university (movie isn’t entirely clear on this one) where Jamie, John and Mindy are getting ready to go camping. Out of nowhere Steve, John’s weed supplier, and his girlfriend Shannon rock up with a car packed with food and camping supplies. After begging to go camping with the threesome they all head out in Steve’s Land Rover to what was once the most amazing party spot in the woods. It was probably awesome because there were blonde women there before, but not anymore. Something has obviously happened over the years because the site isn’t all that great anymore and, judging from the opening scene of the movie, there’s a killer on the loose somewhere. This isn’t important, of course, because all our little guys are interested in is drinking lots of beer and lighting up for 2 days.
Clearly nature isn’t good for you because it seems to break down millions of years of evolution and leaves people with only the most base things to talk about: sex, pissing and farting (either by setting it on fire or doing it while receiving a blowjob). Oh, and the need for beer. John’s the main irritant here, with the three girls being whiny and dumb in their own little way. If you want to imagine John just picture Homer Simpson but without any of the things that make him funny. Once camp has been set up and 36 beers have been downed with amazing speed, everyone sits back to enjoy some more beer, some smoors and some weed. But, as every b-horror fan knows, if you’re out camping somewhere there’s a creepy old man waiting to tell you the dark and horrible past of the particular forest you find yourself in, and The Evil Woods is no exception to this rule. Only to the ‘must have a blonde woman’ rule.
So, back in the day when this little piece of land was the most amazing party spot around and blonde women flowed in abundance, there was a particularly protective park ranger who loved the area greatly. The problem was that the kids who came here to party often left the place in a state, with beer cans and litter all over the place for the ranger to clean up after them. How his cleaning and their prank are connected isn’t entirely clear but never the less one night all the kids decide to mission up to the ranger’s cabin and lock him in it by barring the windows and doors. To make it more exciting they started shooting fireworks at the cabin to frighten him. Wood cabin? Pine forest? No one? Idiots. Of course the cabin catches fire and the kids run away but the body of the ranger is never found and now his spirit is said to wander the forest killing anyone he believes to be violating his little green acre. This story is completely lost on our gang since, when they come across the burned-down cabin, they think that they’re looking at an old meth lab that exploded but, in their defence, they are completely baked from smoking weed for 2 days non-stop.
Whether they remember the story or not the fact remains that someone or something is stalking the forest with an axe hellbent on killing off the little group in the most unconvincing ways possible. Can they make it out of the woods before they’re all killed off? Probably not, there’s no blonde woman around to distract the killer…
LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:
- A walking stick is nature’s coffee.
- You can pay for petrol before you know how much you’ve bought.
- Respecting a woman and her opinions makes you a pussy.
- Doing anything for your girlfriend makes you a pussy.
- Dropping anything makes you a pussy.
- Murdering someone from behind is the coward’s way of being a serial killer.
- When being chased by a killer in the woods, hide behind a tree and breathe like Darth Vader. They’ll never find you.
- Blood has a syrupy consistency.
- Blood crystallizes when it dries.