Final Destination: The Ultimate Movie Marathon

Since some people seem to insist that I be an adult and hold down a real job (people are really inconsiderate that way), it’s taken me ages to do this write up, but this UMM was actually done back-to-back with the Twilight one. The UMM rules state that for it to be an actual UMM, there needs to be at least 7 movies to the franchise (the gods forbid that that should ever happen to Twilight), so my elite crack movie watching squad (Tropical Mary, Stygian Mole and the Occult Specialist) and I decided we’d just bend the rules slightly and watch another short franchise, thus bringing the evening’s final movie tally to 10.

By the time we started watching these movies my life was already in jeopardy, and there was a very real chance that my team would tar and feather me. We’d just watched +- 10 hours of stares, and I was really hoping that these movies would redeem me. I’m not sure if they did, but I think they went a long way to easing some of the tension.

The Final Destination franchise, in my opinion, is one that should truly be treasured because there isn’t a single bad movie in it. Yes, some movies are better than others when compared against one another, but on the whole all of them are very watchable and a lot of fun. It’s difficult to decide what sub-genre of horror these movies fall into, since they aren’t really slashers, but the whole idea that Death itself can come after you really puts a fresh twist on things. It’s also a lot of fun to watch just how a string of incredibly convoluted events can end up killing people in some truly horrific ways. Most importantly (and where other movies have long since fallen off the bandwagon), the Final Destination movies have, for more than a decade, introduced audiences to movies with people standing in a triangle on the cover. Not enough movies do that any more, and I think it’s a truly important cinematic event that should be passed on to future generations.

By this point in the evening the idea of any form of critical analysis had long since gone out of the window, so I’ll just give you a brief rundown of each movie, followed by our Twilight-riddled stream of consciousness. Enjoy!

FINAL DESTINATION

Year of Release: 2000
Genre: Horror / Mystery
IMDB Rating: 6.7 / 10
Level of Awful: Surprise!

Be honest – when you first saw this movie it made you think twice about getting on a plane. Starring a frightfully young Ali Larter, this is the movie that introduced us to the notion that Death might have a rather sick and fiendish plan for us all. Young Alex Brown and his friends are all getting ready for a fun school trip to France on Flight 180 when he has a horrifying vision that the plane will blow up just after take off. No one really believes him, but he and a few others are ejected from the plane for unruly behaviour anyway. Lo and behold, the plane actually does blow up, killing everyone on it.

In what may be Death’s equivalent of Wikileaks, these premonitions do not form part of Death’s ultimate plan – the survivors were never meant to get off the plane. Now, Death is coming for them and plans on getting them back in gruesome (but sometimes also hilarious) ways. Just how long can Alex and company actually cheat death?

• Dad supports copulation with French bitches.
• This scene warns us that there may be a slight draft.
• No hookers in the airport!
• Kill a Hari Krishna!
• Death laughs in the face of subtlety.
• Don’t fart in the bathroom!
• One should always aspire to do some tittie fucking while flying over Greenland.
• Behold: the Maltesers of DOOM!!
• Thank god for pre-911 – Alex would be hung and quartered by the FBI now.
• Awkward orphans are awkward.
• Survivor guilt!
• Freedom! (from life).
• He’s really not clairvoyant; Death only had a brief chat with him.
• Cold drafts are apparently Death’s preferred mode of transport.
• How do you get your toilet water to be that immaculate shade of blue?
• Behold: the Alsation of impending DOOM!!
• Mortuary break-ins are such a rush for randy teenagers.
• Furniture for movie kindly sponsored by Death by Design.
• Agent Shrek stages a daring coffin drop.
• Police brutality – the best kind of brutality.
• Tube monitors are the Devil’s work.
• Caramelised blood. Sweet, delicious caramelised blood.
• Death’s a sneaky bastard and willing to let you go slowly.

FINAL DESTINATION 2

Year of Release: 2003
Genre: Horror / Mystery
IMDB Rating: 6.2 / 10
Level of Awful: Surprise!

In the franchise’s apparent bid to make us afraid to do anything at all, Final Destination 2 takes the terror on the road and presents the viewer with a delightfully horrific pile up on the highway. Remember when that giant log went through the policeman’s car? Yeah, that.

This movie centres on Kimberly, who was beginning a roadtrip with a bunch of her friends when her premonition happened. By backing up traffic, she manages to save a lot of people from the enormous crash, once again setting Death up to take back what it feels rightfully belongs to it.

This movie is the only one in the franchise that has any direct connection to the first film (or is it?), with a still-frightfully young Ali Larter reprising her role as Clear Rivers to help this new bunch of kids escape from Death’s wispy clutches. The movie is also interesting because it examines the consequences of the first one and how the (temporary) survival of the Flight 180 passengers created a ripple effect in Death’s greater design. More bodies, more explosions, and more pigeon-related deaths than you can shake a stick at. What’s not to enjoy?

• Crazy people are really useful for providing background info into Death’s design.
• Oh, how I miss a good old VCR.
• Condoms, whips, and chains are all really useful items to pack for a roadtrip.
• Irony is all around you, ergo, Death is all around you.
• Drink pale ale responsibly.
• Warning lights in cars aren’t really there to tell us anything important.
• White guys can be totally thug.
• “Call 180” – The devil got a new number.
• This police station has a capture and release system in place for witnesses.
• Back at Stately Wayne suburbia…
• Hygiene and safety standards – this guy has none.
• Magnets and microwaves really aren’t compatible.
• Well done! You just made things much, much worse.
• Dear God, not my iMac!
• Remember to evacuate your apartment in a calm and orderly fashion.
• Remember kids – spaghetti kills.
• Smoking is healthy if you do it on a treadmill.
• It must be refreshing when a mental patient WANTS to be there.
• Clear could still die from 1000 paper cuts.
• Good luck beating Death, and don’t fuck it up.
• Find Nemo: Killer Version.
• All Nitrous, all the time!
• Terrible: dying after you’ve racked up an enormous dental bill.
• Welcome to the Crazy and Clothed branch of the FBI.
• Death sees you when you’re coming. How awkward.
• Valium: like Smarties, but for adults.
• Don’t go accusin’ no one that their ass is any less alive than yours.
• Behold: the ripple effect of DOOM!!
• Death by Design has a rift that even duct tape can’t fix.
• Splash the Magical Flying Ambulance.
• Death has been vanquished and Dawn reveals her rosy bottom to everyone.
• KABOOM!

FINAL DESTINATION 3

Year of Release: 2006
Genre: Horror / Mystery
IMDB Rating: 5.7 / 10
Level of Awful: Surprise!

Alright, so we can’t fly anywhere and we can’t drive anywhere. Now, even if we somehow manage to make it to an amusement park, we can’t ride rollercoasters either? Not that I’m a huge fan of rollercoasters (I don’t like going upside down), but I’d at least like to have the option. Oh yeah, and don’t ride on trains. Ever.

This time around we’re following Wendy, who only wanted to spend a fun night out at the amusement park with her friends and boyfriend to celebrate their senior year of high school. Death and his ever-fabulous designers over at Death by Design, however, have a different plan. Wendy’s premonition kicks in just before a rollercoaster ride, showing her in detail that the human spine and metal support columns should never meet one another at high speed. She panics and gets off the rollercoaster, taking several people with her (sadly, boyfriend not included), thus setting in motion a chain of events that means Death and his designers need to put in a little overtime.

The key to survival here will be Wendy’s passion for amateur photography: she took pictures of everyone that night before the rollercoaster derailed, and they seem to hold clues to preventing peoples’ decidedly squelchy ends. Can Wendy and her friend Kevin beat Death and his array of faulty tanning beds, fork lifts gone wild and flying truck engines? Probably not, but it’s boatloads of fun to watch them try.

• Thank you New Line Cinema.
• It’s the Rollercoaster of Love!
• There’s some reckless foreshadowing being thrown around here.
• Camel toes, duck face and warp speed, oh my!
• Hydraulic fluid: Gone.
• Tyres: Gone.
• Who knew teenagers could fly?
• Oh wait, they can’t.
• She whips her hair (and spine) back and forth.
• Spear tackle a bitch! Bitches love to be spear tackled.
• Getting a tune-up tan for a funeral is so thoughtful.
• That’s a good work lamp there.
• This, on the other hand, is only an average work lamp.
• Mmmm… delicious fried whore.
• Death by Design releases its Equality range of murder.
• Drink pale ale responsibly.
• There’s so much ‘Merica! going on here it hurts.
• This guy works for Osama bin Supervisor.
• Watch out for the overreaction over steer!
• Wendy’s camera has all the megapixels.
• Fuck you Ben Franklin!
• We’re on the love train!
• OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! OUCH!

THE FINAL DESTINATION

Year of Release: 2009
Genre: Horror / Mystery
IMDB Rating: 5 / 10
Level of Awful: Surprise!

I don’t get why people are so down on this movie. Yes, of all the Final Destination movies it is the weakest. It suffers from being a little over zealous with the CGI (at times going up to Syfy levels) and it was clearly made with 3D in mind because everything just wants to fly out of the TV at you, but it’s by no means a bad movie. Oh right, and it isn’t REALLY The Final Destination, but I guess they couldn’t have known that at the time.

OK, we couldn’t fly anywhere, drive anywhere, or ride on rollercoasters, and this movie also wants us to stop going to races at the speedway. Again, this doesn’t really affect me because I find Formula 1 and that kind of thing boring, but I’d still at least like to have the option.

Death by Design’s out in force again, and this time they’ve set their beady little eyes on Nick. Nick, his girlfriend, and two of their friends, have decided to pass a decidedly American afternoon watching some very American racing surrounded by some very American spectators. Courtesy of the worst pit crew in the world, things go a tad bit awry, several crashes happen, and the entire speedway collapses. Or, at least that’s what’s going to happen according to Nick’s premonition.

Nick and Co., along with several other people, manage to get out before the crash happens, and Death by Design must ride their obsidian unicorns into battle once again. Keep a look out for some KKK-style burnings, a movie theatre on the verge, an over enthusiastic pool pump and the 1001 dangers of standing too close to a chain link fence.

• Thank you New Line Cinema.
• It’s like Daytona, bitches!
• The Nickelback alone should be a clue that bad shit is gonna happen.
• Oh neo-nazis, you’re really such a lovely crowd.
• A flaming pancake! A flancake!
• I’m feeling a little racial tension in that enormous hook and petrol can.
• Yet more irresponsible pale ale consumption.
• Absent parenting is the best kind of parenting.
• Scissors to the face!
• Gotta love some redneck bottle drinking.
• Clear Rivers water. Death by Design must be close…
• Slowest draining pool EVER.
• There’s nothing more horrifying that explosive ass decompression.
• It can’t be fun to be flattened by a bath.
• Death by Design got really greedy in this movie.
• Death’s Hobo walks amongst us.

FINAL DESTINATION 5

Year of Release: 2011
Genre: Horror / Mystery
IMDB Rating: 5.8 / 10
Level of Awful: Surprise!

If the 4th movie took the series into a little bit of a dip, then this movie brought the franchise right back on track again. As if to reinforce the lesson we learned in the 2nd movie, if you hadn’t already learned that driving is dangerous, Death by Design is also more than capable of making the bridge you’re driving over collapse right out from underneath you.

In this last movie, we’re going to follow the escapades of Sam, a terrifically talented chef in the making, on his way to a retreat with his co-workers from his day job as a salesman. A leak in the space-time-gruesome-death continuum causes him to have a premonition where the whole bridge they are on completely collapses. This results in people drowning, being crushed by cars, getting impaled, and one unfortunate guy landing up on the wrong end of a vat of molten tar. It’s all rather unpleasant, really.

So Sam panics and gets some people safely off the bridge before the collapse happens. By this stage, Death by Design is getting bloody fed up trying to patch all of these leaks in the Grand Design, so the survivors land up getting killed one-by-one in yet another series of horrifying (and, in one instance, bone breaking) incidents. What I really liked, though, is this movie has a really good twist ending that I really didn’t see coming. I won’t spoil it for you, but if you keep a close watch on the characters throughout the movie you’ll see all the clues. Enjoy!

• Thank you New Line Cinema (and Warner Bros.)
• In the end, it’s often salesman against chef.
• Final Destination continues the franchise’s strict 1 black person per movie quota.
• Bald really is the new black.
• Yet another good work lamp. Well done movie.
• Gymnastics should really be restricted to 9-year-old boys.
• If he’s bereaved, he must be bereaving. In fact, he’s a bereaver!
• Stationary theft is deadly.
• Angst is difficult to pull off if you’re wearing a suit.
• Angst is a dish best served in jeans and a t-shirt.
• The fat guy really needs to die – horribly.
• Laser to the eye!
• Eyes pop well, especially when you drive over them.
• These people are just dumb as rocks.
• Psycho killers are that little bit more serious when they have a skillet.
• The _ _ _ _ _ _ _ has landed!
• Token black guy outlasted everyone!
• Final Destination: Changing movie stereotypes.
• The black guy survives the horror!
• Oh wait, I take that back…

FINAL THOUGHTS

After the miserable morning / afternoon / early evening that we spent watching the Twilight movies, these movies were just a complete breath of fresh air. People still weren’t speaking to me, but it was a step up from them threatening to mummify me alive. In a small way, I think these movies went a decent way to saving my life at the hands of a hair-eating Tropical Mary that night, and for that I’m thankful.

Like I said in the beginning of this write up, this is one of the best franchises, in my opinion, that horror has to offer. Whilst it may be purely by virtue of the fact that this franchise has fewer movies in it that many others, there really isn’t a bad one in the bunch. Yes, number four was comparatively weak, but on the whole it still stands up better than many other franchises’ weaker members. They key to these films’ success lies in the fact that they more or less follow a very well thought out system that was laid down in the first movie. They tweak it here and there and the deaths gradually become more gruesome and inventative, and leaves the audience in that fun place where they know exactly what’s going to happen, but you have no clue just how it’s going to happen.

Now, as for the scientific calculations that form an integral part of any UMM night, keeping track of the deaths in the Final Destination movies is a slightly tricky affair. Using a highly scientific and complicated system of spreadsheets, pie charts, clay tablets, and counting on our toes, we settled on a final death count of 499. Breasts were few and far between in this franchise, with a total of only 11. That works out to a death-to-breast ratio of roughly 45.3:1.

When all was said and done, it was nearly 5am and the sugar crash was starting to kick in hard, so it was off to bed for all of us. The next day was spent with a sugar-deprived headache that allowed me some time to reflect on the kinds of friendships that can withstand what I subjected them to on that bright and sunny Good Friday. So long as I promise to have no part in choosing the movies for the next UMM, I think we’re all gonna be friends for a good while yet 🙂

As always, I’m always looking for suggestions for the next UMM, especially for franchises that may be slightly more obscure.

Thanks to everyone for reading, and a big thanks to all those who kept us company through the live tweeting madness of the day!

Until next time 🙂

BUY THE FINAL DESTINATION MOVIES AT AMAZON.COM

Neon Maniacs

Year of Release: 1986
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 3.8 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium
Breast-O-Meter: 0.5 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

In life there has to be that one constant. In the face of work, commitments, bills and demonically possessed kittens there has to be that one source of comfort that you can fall back on, that safe place where you know everything’s alright and that your troubles won’t find you. For me, that safe place is neon coloured and dressed in spandex. The 80s b-movie is an amazing thing and makes no excuses for what it is. It’s daft, it’s filled to the brim with bad hair and it captures a time when mom jeans were just being handed out to women of all shapes, sizes and ages. One can’t overdo it with the 80s b-movie, however, lest we be fooled into thinking the mullet is an acceptable choice of hairstyle, but let’s take this moment to look back on a more strikingly colourful era and on the wonder that is Neon Maniacs.

…and your little dog too!

The scene of the crime is San Francisco, a city of giant bridges, horny teenagers and excessive neon signs. It was a time when all the police were absolute pigs whose powers stopped just short of being able to beat a 10-year-old to within an inch of their lives for any arbitrary reason. Natalie and all her friends are out for the night in the park where they will indulge in the youthful pleasures of football, underage beer drinking and open air sex. That is, until the Neon Maniacs arrive on the scene. I’m guessing that since none of them are particularly neon in colour their name is some allusion to the sins of the city. With each individual dressed as a character from the past (ranging from cave man to Samurai to Native American) they make quick work of the gathered teenagers, hacking them to pieces and dragging their corpses off to their lair. Only Natalie survives the horrible incident, yet no one seems to believe her about who the assailants were.

God only knows what that catheter’s draining into now…

Natalie’s a tough old broad, however, and isn’t about to let the brutal massacre of all her friends get her down. Displaying no emotion whatsoever she decides to go back to school the very next day. Her friends are dead so I’m guessing the idea is that there’s nothing she can do about it, so why worry? Since the police in town are not only pigs but the sort that wait for clear instructions to come from on high no official statement has been made and Natalie’s friends are officially reported missing. Assuming that it’s all some sort of elaborate prank the families of said missing friends start to give Natalie trouble, demanding to know where their loved ones are. When Natalie can’t provide them with any answers the principal suspends her from school until such time as the situation sorts itself out.

As good an argument as any for Orwellian historical revisionism.

All this tragedy and upset doesn’t mean, of course, that Natalie can’t quickly resume her dating life. Onto the scene comes Steven, the most bizarre nerd / delivery boy / dog walker / aspiring rock star / sex machine combination to ever grace the small screen. Having been enamoured with Natalie for years he whole heartedly buys into the story of the Neon Maniacs and promises to keep her safe and help bring an end to their (rather short) reign of terror. They will be aided in their battle against evil by Paula, an enthusiastic high school amateur director (making her more highly qualified than many of the directors of the movies I’ve watched) and monster fan. Armed with only their wits, some water pistols, their inability to experience emotions and their general teenage angst it’s up to these three to save the world from the Neon Maniacs and their super sharp Shogun Knives.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Nothing hits the spot like $5 champagne.
• You don’t need a bouncer in a supermarket’s fruit section.
• Not having sex isn’t illegal, but it’s considered highly inappropriate in certain slut circles.
• It’s always best to go for a relaxing swim after you’ve witnessed the deaths of all your friends.
• In the 80s some high school seniors had yet to go through puberty.
• Women should be ostracised from the community for surviving a brutal massacre.

NEON MANIACS TRAILER

BUY NEON MANIACS AT AMAZON.COM

A Nightmare on Elm Street: The Ultimate Movie Marathon

Wherever Tropical Mary, Stygian Mole and I go you know the madness simply won’t stop! Following on from the pure, unadulterated epicness that was the Friday the 13th marathon we decided that our next mission, in light of Freddy VS Jason, was to take on the A Nightmare on Elm Street franchise. This time we felt a little more prepared: with a little experience under our belts we knew that we could hold out in the face of movie after movie after movie, and this time there would only be 7 films as opposed to the previous marathon’s 11. Sadly we were lacking our Occult Specialist for this one but the 3 of us decided that we were going to tackle these movies head-on anyway.

Working from what is admittedly a good system we piled into Tropical Mary’s lounge with a variety of snacks, many litres of Coke, several boxes of cigarettes and the necessary money to do a pizza top up later on. Sadly, in my opinion at least, this series of movies simply could not live up to Jason and his never-ending killing spree. Equally sadly our pizza was not delivered by a guy named Freddy, which just seemed an enormous let down after a Jason delivered our last batch. Join me now as my Elm Street Retrospective comes to a computer screen in your city this morning / afternoon / evening / weekend 😉

A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET

Year of Release: 1984
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 7.4 / 10
Level of Awful: Surprise!

And we’re off with Freddy’s first adventure! It’s the mid-80s, flannel isn’t as abundant as it once was and Johnny Depp was a fresh-faced young man ready to break into acting. Elm Street falls in the beautiful suburban town that is Springwood but, in amongst these idyllic little houses and perfectly trimmed rose bushes, the children living on the street are about to experience something strange and horrifying.

Our main girl is Nancy, a plain little thing with the emotional range of a plank of wood, and, while her face would never give it away, she’s been experiencing some terrible nightmares. Nightmares about a horribly burned man in a dirty jumper with knives on his fingers. Nightmares that the other children on the street seem to be having as well. Nightmares that, if you get hurt or injured in them, then you’re hurt in reality as well. Nightmares that have Nancy’s friend Tina being dragged across the ceiling and ripped to shreds after a riveting around of premarital sex with her boyfriend Rod. Sadly for Glen, Nancy’s boyfriend, there will be no premarital sex that night.

In the face of a killer that stalks their dreams, parents that believe they’ve lost their marbles and the unbearably orange and never moving face of Nancy’s mother the kids will have to find a way to either stay awake for the rest of their lives or make battle with a monster that has a taste for young children and is out for revenge.

So the franchise got off to a reasonable start. It’s not without its faults and Heather Langenkamp really couldn’t act, but given that it was done on a fairly modest budget credit has to be given where credit is due. Plus Freddy Krueger’s just brilliant in a really disturbing kind of way.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Pants are for the weak!
• Teenage girls will be crapped on by their fathers for going to school, their friend’s houses, visiting friends in prison and virtually anything else you can think of.
• Burns can be migratory.
• Judging by their output bedside lamps in the 80s were nuclear powered.
• Running in ’84 was still being properly developed.
• Marshmallow floors are just impractical.
• Cupboards are the perfect temperature for storing booze.
• Apple cider melts skin beautifully.

A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET PART II: FREDDY’S REVENGE

Year of Release: 1985
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 5 / 10
Level of Awful: Low

And we’re a go for Part II! In what seems to be a pattern in these franchises the second movie takes us on a bit of a dip. This one is a beautiful example of being able to see what they were going for, but then there’s what they actually did with it. I propose that the name of this movie be retroactively changed to ‘A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Bitch’, which is far more in keeping with what the story is actually about.

We’re 5 years down the line from the last movie and, since Nancy has apparently gone nuts after the death of her mother, 1428 Elm Street went on the market and a new family has since moved in. Our main character in this film is Jesse, a boy with an oddly shaped chest who appears to live his life in a constant state of sweatiness and tighty whiteys. Freddy appears to be a little weakened at the moment and needs a host body through which to perform his dirty work. Since Jesse has conveniently moved into Nancy’s old room he’ll do just perfectly.

To begin with it’s all fun and games as Freddy takes out people who Jesse doesn’t particularly like, such as his leather-clad gym teacher. With delightful dialogue such as “he’s inside me, he wants to take me again” and “he owns me”, combined with the constant state of tighty whitey-ness that Jesse lives in, there appears to be a definite homoerotic undertone to the whole movie. Jesse, along with his would-be girlfriend Lisa, will have to battle their way through their nightmares, Jesse’s possession and a pool party gone horribly wrong if they are ever going to live out the rest of their lives in peace.

The main problem with this movie, and one that becomes apparent across the franchise as a whole, is that it can’t live up to the characters it creates. Freddy, as always, is disturbingly brilliant but doesn’t appear as often as you’d like because we need to deal with everyone being awake for so long. While Jesse isn’t perhaps the most memorable character he plays the disturbed teenager very well but the whole pseudo-possession storyline neither does his or Freddy’s character much justice. The biggest waste, however, is Lisa. The Sydney Prescott of her time, Lisa will beat the crap out of Freddy with any available object at any given time but the storyline is just too weak for this character to stand out.

Despite these many problems this movie did bring out what is perhaps my favourite comment from Tropical Mary for the whole evening: “For a lesbian-headed, dyke-looking woman she’s very romantic.” Watch the movie and see if you can spot who this applies to 🙂

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Off-road school bus rallies are a  lot of fun.
• The art of egg making hadn’t been perfected in the mid-80s.
• Your liver can function as a heart.
• Running was still in its infancy in ’85.
• Feeding your bird cheap seed will cause it to burst into flames.
• 80s parenting meant being constantly aloof.
• Like running and making eggs, kissing also hadn’t been perfected in the mid-80s.
• The power of love will lead to internal haemorrhaging.

A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 3: DREAM WARRIORS

Year of Release: 1987
Genre: Horror / Fantasy
IMDB Rating: 6.3 / 10
Level of Awful: Surprise!

And we’re on the up again! Freddy’s back and ready to take on a mental asylum full of sleep deprived children. This was Patricia Arquette’s debut role and, in my opinion, she’s the glue that pulls it all together.

Kristen Parker has a mother who isn’t very sympathetic (and, by the movie’s implication, a whore) to her night terrors or the fact that she’s waking up with her wrists slashed by Freddy. Convinced that she’s just out for attention her mother locks Kristen in Westin Hills, the psychiatric hospital we would see again later in Freddy VS Jason.

Along with Kristen the other misfits at the hospital are Joey (who doesn’t say anything), Phillip (a would-be sculptor who shows a little promise), Jennifer (who dreams of becoming an actress), Will (this movie’s answer to Artie from Glee), Taryn (an ex-druggie) and Roland (the stock black kid with behavioural issues). These guys are the last of the so-called Elm Street children, children of the adults who murdered Freddy. So locking them all up together really is going to make Freddy’s job a whole lot easier.

Thankfully help is on hand. In her spare time between growing up and losing her mind Nancy somehow managed to become a doctor and specialise in sleep disorders. She herself is now taking Hypnosil, a dream suppressant that helps keep Freddy at bay. She will be aided by Dr Neil Gordon, the hospital’s resident psychiatrist, who in turn is aided by Sister Mary Helena (Handbasket).

This movie serves as Freddy’s origin story, explaining how his mother Amanda used to work at this very same institution. Back then the hospital used to house people who were far more insane, and Amanda managed to get herself locked in with the mental patients. Raped repeatedly by the 100 patients in this wing over a prolonged period of time, she fell pregnant and gave birth to Freddy at Westin Hills. Being the bastard offspring of 100 deranged lunatics (a medical impossibility, but we’ll run with it) is what made Freddy so evil.

But Freddy’s in for one hell of a fight this time round. Kristen has a remarkable ability to pull people into her dreams, allowing the rest of the group to follow her so that they can do battle as a group rather than being picked off one by one. This power, coupled with Nancy’s experience in Freddy hunting, will pave the way for one amazing showdown between Freddy and the last of the Elm Street children.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Tricycles are creepier than wheelchairs.
• By ’87 wearing polka dots to a funeral was out and normal attire was in.
• Sleep therapy in the late 80s comprised a blend of hypnosis and induced epileptic fits.
• You can go from high school senior to doctor in the space of 6 years.

A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 4: THE DREAM MASTER

Year of Release: 1988
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 5.3 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium

And we begin our downward spiral. To give credit where credit is due, I think the movie makers behind this one must have realised that they were eventually going to run out of Elm Street children and needed to somehow tie them into new characters. I can see what the overall plan was, although I may have blinked and missed some important bits since I’m still not 100% clear on who / what the Dream Master is. Nevertheless, the marathon had to continue and we girded our respective loins and dived head first into our next instalment.

Kristen’s back and she’s doing quite well for herself. Not only have her and her surviving friends been released from Westin Hills but her face has also morphed from that of Patricia Arquette to that of Tuesday Knight. Naturally someone needs to be nervous about Freddy coming back so why not let it be Kristen? Living in a state of perpetual panic and paranoia she often pulls Joey and Kincaid into her dreams. The dreams, however, are sitting quite comfortably at room temperature so Joey and Kincaid reason that Freddy must still be dead. He will be, until a dream dog with resuscitating flaming pee digs him up and lets him loose on the world again…

Joey and Kincaid are killed off reasonably soon into this little adventure to make way for a new group of people: Rick, Kristen’s never-before-heard-of boyfriend, Alice, Kristen’s friend, Dan, your stock studly jock whom Alice has a crush on and, last but not least, Debbie, a friend of Alice who epitomises virtually everything that was wrong with the 80s.

With Freddy back one of the first people he’s going to after is obviously Kristen. Panicked at being brought face to face with him again she accidentally pulls Alice into the dream, bringing her to Freddy’s attention. Kristen is killed by Freddy trying to defend Alice, but she manages to transfer her power to Alice right before Freddy swallows her up as a little soul food.

Admittedly there are some interesting methods of death in this movie, including being utterly deflated, an interesting take on being a karate kid and the art of getting an invisible ass whipping, and teenagers being turned into cockroaches. After doing a little reading I’ve seen a lot of things about different gates, different guardians and absorbing different powers, resulting in Alice and Freddy becoming supernatural guardian mortal enemies, but if any of that actually happened I genuinely missed it.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Over time boiler rooms tend to become more and more chainey.
• As a year 1988 was a lyrically desperate time.
• You can dedicate entire closets to shoulder pads.
• Vegetation is not a meal.
• The real problem with Freddy is that he wants to dance with someone (who loves him).

A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 5: THE DREAM CHILD

Year of Release: 1989
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 4.8 / 10
Level of Awful: High

And then there was this. The Dream Child is this franchise’s equivalent of Jason Goes to Hell. Freddy, supposedly dead, has to be brought back some way and made to be even more threatening than before. While the story and concept are weak in themselves the movie’s main problem is that it takes itself seriously. This could’ve been played so differently and, had it been done with tongue planted firmly in cheek, it probably would have been a lot of fun. Even Freddy seemed to be fighting against the movie at times, but his delightfully disturbing humour just wasn’t enough to save this.

Nothing says ‘this is going to hurt’ quite like an opening credit sequence that doubles up as the movie’s first sex scene. Alice has returned and she and Dan are enjoying many rounds of passionate premarital sex. With all their friends dead Alice has also had to expand her social circle and make new ones (for Freddy to butcher) but her first priority now that she’s graduated from high school is to go on a little whirlwind tour of Europe with her beloved. That at least was the plan until Alice starts dreaming about a baby Freddy climbing into his old grownup clothes and somehow regenerating himself, being stalked by Freddy while she’s awake, chatting with the spirit of Amanda Krueger (AKA Sister Mary Helena Handbasket) and having Dan die on her in a rather epic (but admittedly painful) fashion.

Now the $1 million question is how Freddy is stalking Alice while she’s awake. To be honest I was more curious as to where the hell her body was hanging out for the 4 hour blackouts she was experiencing, but Tropical Mary said I shouldn’t get distracted and just watch the movie. The answer to that question (which also justifies the movie’s title) is that Alice is with child. Since children in the womb apparently spend a lot of their time dreaming Freddy can attack through the baby’s dreams without having to wait for the grownups to eventually go to bed.

Trying to beat Freddy this time will involve Alice not only using her supernatural powers once more but also trying to reason with the dream consciousness of her unborn child. What part of ‘this could be amazingly funny’ the people behind this movie didn’t see I’m not sure, but again they decided to take themselves terribly seriously. Freddy’s dealt with many things in his time but he’s never taken on a mother trying to protect her child so he’s in for a very big fight. Throw in the ghost of his own mother with a bone to pick with her son and the stage is set for the biggest family feud you’ve ever seen.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• As the 80s drew to a close polka dots at funerals decided to make one final, desperate stand.
• As the 80s drew to a close the art of running had STILL not been perfected.
• Shirts are for the o’ wedgie (like 20 to llama llama, this came as the mind was starting to go).
• You can be just a little pregnant.

FREDDY’S DEAD: THE FINAL NIGHTMARE

Year of Release: 1991
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 4.6 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium

Finally! Someone had the brains to realise that they could take the piss out of this series, and it really paid off. This was my favourite movie of the day, mainly because it seems like this was the point that the morbid humour of the franchise’s antagonist and the movie’s plot finally decided to align themselves. Had some of the humour of this movie been injected into the series about 4 movies earlier I may have enjoyed this marathon a whole lot more than I did.

Freddy’s been a very busy boy since the events of the last movie. 10 years have passed and he has successfully managed to kill off all the children in Springwood, leaving the once-beautiful suburban town a shadow of its former self. The only surviving teenager, who can’t remember who he is, is being sent on a special mission by Freddy (although he doesn’t know that). Freddy can’t leave Springwood, with the city limits acting as a barrier that he cannot cross, and there’s someone very special on the other side that he wants brought to him.

Through a little retconning and some imagination from the audience we are informed of the fact that Freddy is actually a dad, just another reason why The Dream Child was utterly unnecessary. His child is floating around out there in the big bad world somewhere and he wants it back. Where on earth could it be? Surely not at the home for troubled youth that our dear John Doe has landed up at? Surely our little gang of street waifs – Terry (sexually abused by her father), Carlos (beaten by his father and now partially deaf as a result), Spencer (“former” drug addict) – and their psychologist Maggie couldn’t possibly be candidates to be Freddy’s offspring? That’s just crazy.

But is it crazy enough to work? Through a series of amazing coincidences (and after coming face to face with a wild and possibly rabid Roseanne Barr) the five of them land up in Springwood and strangely cannot seem to find a way to leave. Could Freddy be behind this? Could he be the one making people’s heads explode? Possibly. Turning people into some 8-bit gloriousness and beating them up? Yeah, sounds like something he’d do. Re-enacting The Wizard of Oz and throwing people onto a bed of spikes? Definitely sounds like something he’d find fun.

The movie also addresses the greatest question of all: how the hell does Freddy manage to keep coming back? The answer: dream demons, that’s how. These demons are inherently malevolent and granted Freddy his power on the night when the parents of Springwood initially burnt him alive. We’ve retconned a child, so let’s retcon some malevolent tadpole dream demons while we’re at it, anything goes here. Prepare for the ultimate father VS child showdown as we see just which generation of Kruegers deserves to wield the knife glove.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Blowing up the garage will get you a lot of attention.
• Intense daddy issues are intense.
• Throwing yourself on the floor doesn’t make a sound.
• It’s very important that you ignore any and all ominous omens in disturbing situations.
• Despite being an immortal dream demon Freddy gets the crap beaten out of him quite regularly.
• Synapses fire in technicolour.
• The fact that Freddy was a ginger kid explains virtually everything about his character.

WES CRAVEN’S NEW NIGHTMARE

Year of Release: 1994
Genre: Horror / Fantasy
IMDB Rating: 6.3 / 10
Level of Awful: High

You know what? I can totally understand a fan base calling for another sequel to a film franchise they love that has supposedly come to an end. I myself would do many things to see another Halloween movie that had nothing to do with the two bastard offspring of Rob Zombie. But was this really what the fans wanted? I remember seeing this movie for the first time a few years ago and thinking it was utter crap. Watching it as part of this marathon did nothing to change my opinion. Again, I can see the concept and I think it was a very interesting one, but the execution left me cold and bored stiff.

Since Freddy was (supposedly) killed once and for all in the last movie we need to do something completely different to bring him back round this time. So what if he had never been around at all? What if the last 6 movies were just that and nothing more? That’s the path that New Nightmare wants to take us down, so let’s all go for a little walk.

It’s been 7 years since Heather Langenkamp last portrayed Nancy, but she’s a mother now and needs to think carefully about the kinds of rolls she decides to play. She’s happily married, lives in a beautiful (if somewhat earthquake prone) neighbourhood in a lovely house. She’s still friends with Robert Englund and many other people from the films and is currently doing a few promo gigs to discuss the franchise’s 10th anniversary, life after Elm Street and being a mother. But someone isn’t prepared to let the franchise go quietly into that good night; someone is stalking Nancy and making threatening phone calls to her. Someone who sounds remarkably like Freddy.

Already on edge, Heather’s state isn’t helped when her husband dies tragically in a car accident after falling asleep at the wheel, his chest sliced with mysterious claw marks. In the aftermath of his death their son has also begun to behave very strangely, saying that he can’t sleep without his pet dinosaur to protect him from the bad man who comes out of his dreams to get him. But this isn’t a movie, so how can Freddy possibly be coming for Heather and her young son?

Wes Craven, that’s how. It would seem that, after writing the script for the initial movie, it began to dawn on him that Freddy was perhaps a little more than a simple character on paper. What if he were an ancient malevolent spirit that needed a means to gain access to our world? Well, that’s what he is and that’s what happened, with this demon using the Elm Street movies to play himself out but, while the franchise kept going, his thoughts were trapped in the scripts and unable to hurt anyone. It would seem that the demon enjoys being Freddy and isn’t quite ready to let the character die just yet. Heather’s going to have to reprise her role as Nancy one more time if there’s any hope of finally laying Freddy to rest.

If only she could have managed to do it without an hour going by where nothing happened it would have been so much less painful than it actually was. This was not worth the nearly two hours it took to watch it. While the concept was interesting, it was also the movie’s main weakness. Because it was brand new it took a long time to develop on screen, time where very little else was happening and the audience just sits and watches a child become gradually creepier and creepier.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Good hygiene practices are entirely unnecessary in a morgue.
• You can just leave corpses littered around the hospital halls at night.
• TVs don’t need to be plugged in to work.
• 90s programming had a lot of subliminal Freddy messaging.
• ICU is a perfect place to keep a person with a sleep disorder.
• In new age fairy tales a trail of bread crumbs can be replaced by a trail of sleeping pills.
• Ferns are evil and must be punished.
• Freddy is a genie, you gotta rub him the right way.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Right, I’m just going to come out and say it: I didn’t enjoy the Elm Street movies. I love Freddy Krueger and think he is an absolutely brilliant and disturbing character but these movies simply did not do him any justice and, at times, seemed to actually work against the primary character they had developed. While the concept of him as a killer that stalks dreams makes him particularly frightening and difficult to defeat it also creates the problem when it comes to people being awake. Freddy can’t kill people when they’re awake, meaning the times that the audience would have to worry about seeing him were very defined, which takes away a lot of the suspense. Attempts to rectify this through the dreams of an unborn child were not very successful.

Although we didn’t rewatch Freddy VS Jason during this marathon the memory is fresh enough that I can say that I think Freddy’s character was best suited to that movie. A more powerful presence in the waking world, his disturbing character can run a little more wild. That’s the Freddy you want to see, and that’s the Freddy that’s missing from this franchise.

Perhaps it’s also a sign of the times we live in when we expect more gore and brutality at regular intervals, but this franchise’s total death count of 38 across 7 movies with a Breast-O-Meter reading of only 3.5 just seems a little depressing. Freddy has just been so built up over the years that you expect so much more, yet in some movies he killed a grand total of 3 people. You’re constantly waiting for this murderous rampage that simply never comes.

Perhaps one day Tropical Mary will be able to give us her thoughts on our marathons, but until then I leave you with my little musings. I’m sure I’m in a minority when it comes to my feelings on these movies, and I’d really like to hear from people who did enjoy them. Good to get some different perspectives. Let me know in the comments below.

We will now return to our regularly scheduled programming of trashy horror movies reviewed by myself with the occasional guest appearance by Tropical Mary. Follow our ramblings on Twitter for the next Ultimate Movie Marathon!

BUY THE NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET COLLECTION AT AMAZON.COM

Friday the 13th: The Ultimate Movie Marathon

Welcome to a tale of joy, a tale of wonder, a tale of murder, friendship and redemption in the aftermath of terrible tragedy. I’m talking, of course, about the ultimate movie marathon: all the Friday the 13th movies back to back. I thought the idea up a while ago when it dawned on me that I hadn’t seen all of them. No horror fan worth their salt should have to say that. The plan evolved over time: originally I was going to do it solo, and then it was only the first 9 movies. When I mentioned the idea to Stygian Mole he was thrilled and wanted to join in. Now, as the old saying goes, where there’s a Stygian Mole there’s a Tropical Mary, and now both of them were going to join me for this movie marathon. Word got out a little more and before I knew it one of my cousins got involved. Lacking a Twitter name, he will simply be referred to as the Occult Specialist. Because he’s a goth.

The plan came together beautifully and we all assembled on the chosen day. Armed with mattresses, blankets, 16 litres of Coke, many bags of snacks, money for pizza halfway through the evening and several boxes of cigarettes we were ready to take on the monumental task that lay before us. We started at 10:30 in the morning; Tropical Mary and I would alternate between movies when it came to the live tweets. About 3 movies in it was decided (and instigated by Tropical Mary) that we should watch Jason X and Freddy VS Jason as well, just to make it a complete adventure. At times it got very frightening and we went through a rollercoaster of good scares, funny one liners, horrible outfits, good movies, terrible movies, you name it, we saw it. It came to an end at 5 the next morning; +-18 hours and 11 movies later we had finished what we set out to do. By this point most of the movies had just blurred together into one giant slasher fest, but it was completely worth it. This will be the first of our Ultimate Movie Marathons and, while we decide on which horror series to tackle next, I will give you a brief rundown of each of the movies 🙂

FRIDAY THE 13TH

Year of Release: 1980
Genre: Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 6.3 / 10
Level of Awful: Surprise!

Where it all began, back in the day when flannel was all the rage and Kevin Bacon was running around in a speedo with absolutely no shame. It doesn’t feel right to compare this movie to the rest of the series since Jason is nowhere to be found. Long before the supernatural Jason that simply wouldn’t die there was poor little Jason who drowned at Camp Crystal Lake when the camp counsellors weren’t looking. To avenge the death of her little boy Pamela Voorhees, Jason’s mother, stalks the camp and kills anyone who tries to get it going again. The tragedy has led her to develop a split personality with Pamela and Jason taking turns at controlling the body. The Jason personality is out for revenge and the kids will have to try and survive a storm and make it through the night if this series is going to reach the ridiculous heights it eventually does.

The franchise’s first entry owes a lot to Psycho and is a good example of a simple slasher movie done right. Failing all else it should be seen as a valuable history lesson to any young and aspiring horror fan. Also, while this movie doesn’t have Jason in it in any serious way, it did begin the wonderful Friday the 13th tradition of having someone predict the horrible DOOM! that awaits the series’ various horny teenagers.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• At some point in the 80s the world was struck by a debilitating shirt famine.
• Watching Kevin Bacon prance around in a speedo is guaranteed to make you feel like a pedophile.
• Butchering a snake is a sure-fire way to make yourself feel manly.
• Evidence from a crime scene should always be handled senselessly.
• Peter Stuyvesant is the perfect after action satisfaction.
• When all your friends are missing and you’ve found a bloody axe you should definitely go check the generator on your own.

FRIDAY THE 13TH: PART 2

Year of Release: 1981
Genre: Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 5.7 / 10
Level of Awful: Low

The first dip in the series. After our bowl-haired heroine beheaded Pamela Voorhees in the first movie the powers that be needed to introduce a new killer to keep the series going. Enter Jason Voorhees, the slashing madman who would go on to become synonymous with this series of movies. It’s still early days and Jason doesn’t have superhuman strength and power and the hockey mask isn’t anywhere to be seen. This movie also began the second great Friday the 13th tradition of having a flashback to the previous movie before any of the action begins.

Bowl-Hair has been brutally murdered after discovering Pamela’s head in her fridge. It turns out that Jason didn’t actually drown all those years ago and, having witnessed his mother’s murder, has come out of hiding to seek revenge. Five years later another bunch of kids is trying to re-establish Camp Crystal Lake. Like the kids in the first movie none of our new characters wants to hear about the DOOM! that awaits them on the seemingly tranquil shores of Crystal Lake. Jason, meanwhile, since he’s not the sharpest machete in the shed, is incapable of understanding that these kids had nothing to do with his mother’s death and is taking them out one-by-one. This becomes particularly amusing when a kid in a wheelchair gets an axe to the head and takes a little ride down a flight of stairs. This, unfortunately, was not enough to dig this movie out of snoresville. The main problem is that, by the time the end comes around, you feel like you’re only halfway through. The story wasn’t developed enough and you don’t particularly care who makes it and who doesn’t. The four of us were actually a lot more emotionally invested in the puddle with a rock in the middle of it that cropped up from time to time. Quite honestly I feel that the puddle actually deserved a place in the end credits.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• While 1980 had a great shirt famine, 1981 experienced a terrible Kevin Bacon famine.
• Hair care products really weren’t a very big deal back in the 80s.
• Ginger kids do not, in any way, look good in shorts made from their mom’s kitchen curtains.
• Before engaging in sex playing a harmonica is a great way to get both yourself and your partner in the mood.
• Placing your back to an open window is never the best place to hide.
• Hippies, despite their calm demeanour, can be remarkably resilient in a crisis.

FRIDAY THE 13TH: PART III

Year of Release: 1982
Genre: Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 5.2 / 10
Level of Awful: Surprise!

Ah, the first of so many things. This movie was definitely a step up from the last one and marks the first appearance of Jason’s hockey mask. The machete still isn’t the weapon of choice but we can let that slide. It was also the first time a movie in the series was available in 3D. I sincerely wish I could’ve watched this movie in a theatre with the old red and blue glasses 🙂

We’re not gonna take years to pick the story up again so this movie takes place the day after the second one. Jason’s alive and kicking and in need of some new clothes. Two dead people and the unexplained fate of a cute rabbit later and Jason’s all decked out and ready to go. Elsewhere a girl named Chris is getting ready to take a holiday at Crystal Lake. A few years before that (a made-up flashback tells us) she was attacked by a mysteriously deformed stranger and this holiday’s geared towards her facing and overcoming her fears. She’s accompanied by her friends that’re the usual bunch of idiots, nerds with a Jew fro, jocks and sluts. Along the way they also end up with three uninvited members of a bike gang, all of which Jason’s gonna have a lot of fun with. None of the horror that’s about to unfold would have happened, of course, if any of the kids had listened to the local town drunk that warned them of the DOOM! they’d come across around Crystal Lake.

This movie established the archetype Jason that was used in the rest of the movies; since the four of us all had our idea of what Jason should be like (based on more recent developments in the character) this made the movie a lot more enjoyable. While the pace was even slower than the second one the killings were far more in line with the Jason that we’ve all come to know and love.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Wearing hair rollers automatically turns a woman into a nagging hag.
• A ‘Thriller’ outfit is only truly complete when you attach a racoon’s tail to it.
• Horny teenagers are known to juggle apples and oranges despite many sayings advising against similar practices.
• The Jason Voorhees is a well-known ambush predator native to camp-based territories.
• There’s something wrong with a group when the hippies make the final surviving four.
• Jason will not be defeated by a simple spade.
• Jason – creating one mental patient at a time.

FRIDAY THE 13TH: THE FINAL CHAPTER

Year of Release: 1984
Genre: Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 5.4 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium

Now we’re at the point where the series started to get cheesy. We’re also at the first concluding chapter of the series 😉 After an all-encompassing flashback that recapped everything we just watched, followed closely by some exploding credits, our story got under way. After a clean up crew has picked up the littered bodies from the third movie and taken Jason to the morgue our mask-bedecked psycho slasher comes back to life and kills a few hospital staff members before making his way back to Crystal Lake.

Given that movies 2, 3 & 4 all take place within a matter of days it’s absolutely amazing that yet another bunch of fools would want to take a little holiday up at Crystal Lake but, lo and behold, we have another group of stupid teenagers on our hands. To mix things up a little we also have a mother-daughter-son combo living across the way from the stupid teenagers. Far too many of their names start with the letter ‘t’ to make remembering them possible but one thing remains the same: teenagers are always in the mood for a little slutty premarital sex. When not engaging in slutty premarital sex they spend most of their time thinking about having slutty premarital sex (and trying to pass off having a stroke as dancing). With Jason becoming angrier and angrier as time goes on be sure to look out for one of the best deaths yet: harpoon to the groin! This movie introduced the character of Tommy Jarvis to the series’ canon and it’ll be up to this remarkably capable child to bring down a killer. It says something about people when a 10-year-old can succeed where fully grown adults can’t…

The movie ends with Jason being violently hacked to pieces with a machete, supposedly bringing the series to a close and ending Jason’s reign of terror once and for all.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Nurses are known, at times, to wear their dignity around their ankles.
• There were still no hair care products in 1984.
• 10-year-olds usually have the necessary qualifications and expertise to become car mechanics.
• A screwdriver can fix most of the problems your car’s engine may experience.
• Pants are for the weak!
• It’s completely normal to allow strange men you picked up on the side of the road to take your 10-year-old son up to his room unaccompanied.
• Your friends’ corpses double up as effective force fields.
• Jason disapproves of your crass, homophobic humour!
• Erectile dysfunction was a necessary ailment for men to wear 80s shorts.

FRIDAY THE 13TH: A NEW BEGINNING

Year of Release: 1985
Genre: Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 4.2 / 10
Level of Awful: High

Our sanity was still intact but sadly the quality of the series was about to take a drastic downward turn. As the people behind the scenes clutched at a few more straws to come up with a story line the level of gratuitous breast shots went up and flannel, which had been in a steady decline since the first movie, decided to come back with a vengeance. If you pay careful attention you’ll notice that the majority of the kills in this movie are simple rehashings of Part III. A New Beginning is also the second movie in the series to not feature Jason as the killer. While this may have been the new beginning it would take a lot of glossing over in the movies to come to wipe these events from our minds.

4 years after the last movie 10-year-old Tommy Jarvis has SORASed and looks to be somewhere in his early 20s now. Traumatised by the death of his mother and Jason’s attack on him and his sister he has spent the time since then being shunted from one mental institution to another. On this particular day he’s being taken to the Pinehurst Halfway House, a little secluded spot in the woods for troubled teens. The idea is that those that live there must work to earn their keep and learn how to become productive members of society. That plan’s all well and good until one of the kids with anger issues takes an axe to the back of the weird kid obsessed with candy bars. It also doesn’t help that two of the kids have this constant need to go off and have filthy premarital sex in the corn field next door. The farm belongs to as trailer a hick as you could possibly imagine and her son (who, by the looks of it, would probably fit in at Pinehurst just fine) and this woman’s determined to shut this special haven in the woods down right away.

And then the killings start. The killings are good (man, tree, belt, face, pressure) but the movie isn’t paced very well and most of the kids are painfully irritating so the balance is a little off. With Jason dead Tommy becomes the natural suspect. After all, the killings started up right after he arrived. The truth, however, is far more lame. With very little imagination or thought expenditure our little group of 4 guessed who the killer was (mainly because he’s creepy and focussed on a lot more than his character seemingly deserves) so there’s no suspense in waiting for the revelation or clever twist to make it all worth it. All in all, a very disappointing 90 minutes.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• (Plumber) crack is whack.
• There is no dignity in dying in an outhouse.
• Stew always tastes better when you add just a hint of human blood.
• Black kids don’t scream.
• Chainsaws are a lot more effective weapons when you fill them up with diesel.
• Paramedics have to undergo intensive insensitivity training before they’re given the job.

JASON LIVES: FRIDAY THE 13TH PART VI

Year of Release: 1986
Genre: Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 5.4 / 10
Level of Awful: Surprise!

After the progressive downward spiral of the last two movies myself and the assembled company were really glad to see that this movie turned things around. Sadly this wasn’t to last but Jason Lives was one of my personal favourites of the day. With A New Beginning being the utter disaster that it was there was a need to bring Jason back as the killer, and it’s in this movie that he becomes the supernatural homicidal maniac that we’ve all come to have a great big soft spot for. This also seems to be the point where the series stopped taking itself seriously and decided to have a little fun with Jason’s character. Also, 6 movies later, one of the many camps we’ve been subjected to finally had children in it!

Tommy Jarvis is back and he has a lightning rod! Freshly escaped from the loony bin and the memory of A New Beginning forgotten Tommy’s gonna dig up Jason’s corpse, pour a gallon of petrol over it, set it alight and rid himself of the memory of the 4th movie. This plan backfires a little when Jason, who was very dead to begin with, is stabbed with a very long metal pole by a rage-filled Tommy. A storm appears out of nowhere and lightning strikes the metal rod, re-animating Jason’s corpse. A new and improved Jason is born and he’s out for revenge and murder!

The town of Crystal Lake is now known as Forest Green, an attempt by the locals to forget the horrors that have occurred there and bring a little more tourism to the area. Jason, however, will never forget his way home and, luckily for him, yet another bunch of fools has gone and reopened the original Camp Crystal Lake. Tommy makes his way into town to try and warn people but, when his story about bringing the rotten corpse of Jason back to life falls on deaf ears, he teams up with Megan, the sheriff’s daughter, to try and save as many people as he can. Tommy has to outrun the cops and become an amateur expert in the occult in order to (once again) bring Jason’s reign of terror to an end – this time by tying a noose round his neck, tying it to a rock and dropping him to the bottom of the ever-infamous Crystal Lake. Full circle and all that.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Grave digging is a brilliant way to gain a little closure in the aftermath of a tragedy.
• Dumb white boyfriends will be the downfall of their smart white girlfriends.
• Despite being a little corpsey Jason has some really tight buns on him.
• Manly gingers are known for their intense exercise routines.
• It can be difficult to tell the difference between two people having sex and two people having a simultaneous fit.
• Gas stations are great for picking up milk, eggs and manuals on the occult.

FRIDAY THE 13TH PART VII: THE NEW BLOOD

Year of Release: 1988
Genre: Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 4.7 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium

And thus the roller coaster of quality in the Friday the 13th franchise begins again. At least we were being offered some cheesy goodness with this one; it was a nice warm up to prepare us for the unrelenting hell that would be Jason Takes Manhattan. While the killings became slightly more gruesome in this one (it does, after all, have the infamous sleeping bag scene in it) and Jason becomes even more of a rotten corpse, the inclusion of telekinesis and girls with age-old daddy issues just seemed to be clutching at even more straws. This was also the point for me where reality and film began to blur, most likely the effect of over 12 hours of movies and near-toxic levels of sugar, caffeine and nicotine in my blood stream.

Little Tina Shepherd is a troubled girl. Living in an abusive household, she’s frequently subjected to hearing her mother being beaten by her father. One night is one night, however, and Tina’s had enough. After rowing out into the middle of the Crystal Lake (where Jason just happens to be floating around) and tapping into her raw, limitless psychic powers, she causes the pier her father is standing on to collapse, along with its roof, sending him into the water with enough extra wood to pin him down there. Tragic, so tragic.

Daddy issues make women scary and volatile at the best of times, but throw in some uncontrolled telekinetic powers and you just know all hell’s gonna break loose. Tina, along with her mother and doctor, have returned to Crystal Lake 10 years later to help her overcome her crippling guilt over killing her dad. Next thing you know Tina’s sent out some crazy psychic vibrations in the wrong direction and, Bob’s your uncle, Jason’s alive again. Luckily for him there’s a whole group of randy teenagers also renting a house nearby and the air is rife with booze and premarital sex. It’s gonna take Tina, all her psychic powers, a loveable jock and the penitent spirit of Tina’s dad to send Jason back to the bottom of the lake.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Even as the 80s drew to a close hair care products were an unheard of luxury.
• Grammar are grammar like woods is woods (side thought: told you we were losing it by this point).
• Wearing an all-denim ensemble is guaranteed to result in your death.
• Whilst still a member of the mullet family, the toplet mullet is a distinctive style with its own brand of awful.
• Sedans don’t function well as off-road vehicles.
• Having telekinetic and pyrokinetic powers doesn’t automatically mean that you’re useful in a difficult situation.

FRIDAY THE 13TH PART VIII: JASON TAKES MANHATTAN

Year of Release: 1989
Genre: Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 4.1 / 10
Level of Awful: High

If the sounds of an animal dying a particularly harrowing death could be interpreted in cinematic form it would take the appearance of Jason Takes Manhattan. A more appropriate title for the movie would have been Jason Takes a Small Boat, a Back Alley and a Sewer System. By this point I had virtually lost all touch with reality and this little gem wasn’t doing anything to help me out. You can completely see why unleashing Jason in late-80s New York sounded like an amazing idea, but rarely has a great concept been so utterly screwed up as it was in this movie.

So, after the events of the last movie, Jason is once again stuck at the bottom of Crystal Lake. Two teenagers, caught up in the steamy passion that is premarital sex, don’t notice when their boat’s anchor snags an underwater power line, electrocuting the entire lake and once again bringing Jason back to life. After killing the two teenagers and procuring a new hockey mask Jason sets out to begin a new reign of terror. Fortunately for him Crystal Lake has developed a tributary system that lets the water out into the ocean. Arriving at the sea Jason grabs hold of a boat full of graduate students heading for Manhattan, and you just know there’s gonna be lustful premarital sex going on in those wood-paneled cabins. Prepare for yet another round of DOOM!!!!

This story focuses on Rennie, an awkward girl suffering from unexplained anxiety, who mysteriously begins to have visions of Jason drowning as a child. The purpose of these visions (which occur with irritating regularity) is never really explained, nor is a reason for Rennie having them in the first place forthcoming. Nevertheless, while Rennie may or may not be suffering the side effects of drug experimentation, Jason’s killing people. Jason keeps on killing people until the boat eventually docks in Manhattan, whereupon he starts killing even more people. Let loose in a city full of neon graffiti, punks and angry, drug-addicted hippies, it’ll take Rennie, her odd visions, her meek boyfriend and Manhattan’s entire population simultaneously taking a dump to take Jason out this time round.

As a side thought this movie inspired Tropical Mary and I to come up with a new Friday the 13th movie – Part XII: Jason VS the New York Ho. Now there’s an ultimate showdown for you!

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Polony nipples are the devil’s playground.
• Stephen King wrote his original manuscripts with an ink pot.
• There’s a good chance that Jason is the kid from The Grudge.
• There was murder on the dance floor but even that didn’t kill the groove, DJ.
• Jason was rolling, rolling, rolling on the river.
• No one in 80s New York had the faintest idea how heroin worked.
• Jason disapproves of premarital rape.
• Never let a woman high on heroin drive the escape vehicle.
• With great moustaches come great responsibility.
• Toasty fried Voorhees – Just the way mama used to make it.

JASON GOES TO HELL: THE FINAL FRIDAY

Year of Release: 1993
Genre: Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 4.1 / 10
Level of Awful: Requires Post-Film Lobotomy

And the dance of death for this franchise continues. Unlike previous movies, however, this one’s not even going to try and explain how we got from part 8 to here. Jason’s back and that’s all you need to know. By this point I think the people behind the franchise were so desperate to pit Freddy and Jason against one another they would do just about anything to make that plotline feasible. Sadly this was the best they could come up with. To think that, until Jason X was released 8 years later, fans had to deal with this as the concluding chapter makes me more than just a little sad.

So Jason, by means unknown, is back. The FBI, in the 4 years since his ‘rampage’ in the New York sewer system has also set up a special task team to deal with him. They hire their bustiest agent (one who just looks like she’d be ready to have premarital sex at the drop of a hat) to lure him into a cabin in the woods before the snipers blow him to kingdom come. But evil runs much deeper than the shell it inhabits and, when the coroner discovers Jason’s heart is still beating, the essence / soul / spirit / demon / black corn syrup of this demented killer unleashes itself and begins possessing people.

To drive this plot along it turns out that Jason has a half-sister that, surprisingly, has never been mentioned until this very day. Through her Jason also has a niece. In order to be reborn he will need to possess one of them and morph their body back into his. The malevolent twist in the tale is that, while he needs to possess one of them, they are the only ones capable of sending him to the inner most circle of hell. Jessica, the niece, will do this with the help of a mysterious mystical dagger which one member of the Voorhees family managed to come into possession of in a time that isn’t mentioned. In amongst all this she’ll have to save her baby, face issues surrounding her divorce, deal with the fact her boyfriend is trying to kill her and realise that a demon can enter a corpse not only through the mouth, but also through the vagina. Failure to overcome all these obstacles will result in certain DOOM!!!!!

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Some thongs become so buried there’s no point in ever trying to dig them back out.
• Soul smears can be used to test for the presence of pure evil.
• A fun weekend includes smoking pot, having premarital sex and getting slaughtered.
• 20 to wonder llama and stroking pods (again, this was very late into the day and our ability to comprehend the English language was going into decline).
• Mouth to mouth soul regurgitation is a tricky, but highly effective, skill to learn.
• Prophecies sneak up on you from out of nowhere.
• Before shooting someone policemen often drop it like it’s hot.
• The aliens will eventually send Jason to hell.

JASON X

Year of Release: 2002
Genre: Horror / Sci-Fi
IMDB Rating: 4.3 / 10
Level of Awful: Surprise!

Ah, the movie that inspired this day of Jason madness. You can read my full review for this entry here. In my opinion this is one of the best movies in the series, and, since me and my loyal crew had been glued to the TV for over 12 hours at this point, it was definitely a welcome break after the mind-numbing awfulness that was Jason Goes to Hell.

FREDDY VS JASON

Year of Release: 2003
Genre: Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 5.7 / 10
Level of Awful: Surprise!

A hush fell over the room; was it possible that we were only one movie away from finishing our epic movie marathon? Had we really been going for around 15 hours doing this? Yes, yes we had. I’ve seen Freddy VS Jason a number of times, but I was ready to go into it with fresh eyes (figuratively – in a literal sense my eyes felt like sandpaper and I think I’d lost the ability to blink at this stage) and see how the series had led to this point. It was 10 years after the release of Jason Goes to Hell for the franchise and one epic day for us, but Freddy Krueger and Jason Voorhees were finally going to have their showdown.

We’re not at Crystal Lake any more kids! After the events of Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare and Jason Goes to Hell the movies’ respective killers are both trapped in, well, hell. Jason, not being much of a bright spark, probably doesn’t notice, but Freddy’s pissed off as hell (see what I did there?). The parents of Springwood have figured out a way to keep him out of their children’s dreams (and if it requires some mind altering drugs and forced detainment then so be it). Freddy needs to find a way to make the kids afraid again, and Jason’s just the psycho to do it. Disguised as Jason’s dear sainted mother Freddy convinces him to return to life and pop over to Springwood for a little murder spree. If people start to think that Freddy’s doing it, Freddy can make his come back.

Everything’s going fine until it turns out that Jason’s very greedy when it comes to his killings. He wants to kill everyone himself, and neither him nor Freddy is really prepared to share. Trapped in the impending chaos are Lori and her friends and, a bit later, her boyfriend Will, who’s been locked up in a mental asylum for a few years now. The dangers they face are astronomical – they can’t sleep, no where in town is really a Jason-free zone, their parents are after them and there’s hardly any free time to squeeze in a round of premarital sex. Prepare yourselves for the ultimate movie bad guy showdown!

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• The exposed breast 100m dash is a gruelling athletic event.
• Women will trip on anything, even things that aren’t there.
• If your girlfriend’s a smoker you should only kiss her after she’s had a menthol.
• Clever kids will run out the house in a group after discovering one of their friends has been brutally murdered.
• Kids have more blood in them these days but it’s a thinner consistency.
• If you love your kids – drug them.
• Smug parents should be rated 1 – 10 on the Eric Roberts scale.
• The glam rhythm will get you.
• Conversations about your enforced convalescence at a mental asylum are awkward.
• You can get good distance with a glam kid.
• Jason disapproves of premarital porcine sex.
• The alarm clock is mightier than the horse tranquiliser.

FINAL THOUGHTS

And thus it all came to an end. Somehow the four of us had gone from watching the first 9 movies to watching all 11. While Stygian Mole and the Occult Specialist were familiar with the franchise I realised I had only seen parts 1, 3, Jason X and Freddy VS Jason, while Tropical Mary had only seen Freddy VS Jason. The two of us have been friends for many years now but this experience only cemented the very strange and highly dysfunctional bond between us. The sugar come down the next day was a bitch, but it was well worth it. At the end of the day Michael Myers will always own that special place in my heart reserved for your favourite fictional serial killer, but Jason is special to me as well now. When the going was good it was great, when it was bad it was downright abysmal. But how many people can say they dedicated an entire day to watching all the Friday the 13th movies back to back with one another? Probably quite a few, but it makes us feel hardcore anyway 🙂

One last time I’d like to give a very big thanks to my three crew members; I don’t think I could have done this alone and they certainly did make it a day to remember. Thanks to Stygian Mole, the final death and breast scores were 177 kills and a Breast-O-Meter reading of 23.5. This translates to a death-to-breast ration of roughly 4:1.

Of course, the problem that came in after we had finished with this movie marathon was what we were going to do next. Well, some of us are a little sketchy on the events of A Nightmare on Elm Street, and it would bring the final movie of the day together nicely were we to watch the other franchise that led to it being made. Maybe, just maybe…

BUY THE FRIDAY THE 13TH COLLECTION AT AMAZON.COM

Trailer Park of Terror Ft. Tropical Mary

Year of Release: 2008
Genre: Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 5.2 / 10
Level of Awful: Surprise!
Breast-O-Meter: 1 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

The Tropical Mary movie train rides again, with the axe-wielding Stygian Mole acting as our bodyguard against the b-grade horror. Admittedly, going in, the three of us didn’t expect much from a movie called Trailer Park of Terror. The fact that this was our 16th movie in 38 hours also meant that the mind wasn’t as strong as it once was and the line between reality and fiction was beginning to blur. Despite these rather significant odds this was actually one of those rare gems we occasionally find in the mountain of otherwise crap movies that I’ve managed to accumulate. If, like myself, you’re a sucker for a southern woman with a penchant for murder then this movie is definitely the one for you!

Let me just put my face on quick...

You know things are gonna get really trailer up in here when a movie opens with a shot of a doily on top of a TV and a woman wearing a scrunchie. Meet Norma, a lovely young thing with blonde hair, supple body and big dreams. She’s gone done met herself a strapping young fellow who’s everything she wants in a man (ie. he isn’t old enough to be her father, he isn’t a raging alcoholic and he doesn’t sell possum and racoon meat). To be honest the standards going around are relatively low, but that’s perfectly understandable given Norma’s humble (and dysfunctional) upbringing. Before going out to a dance Norma and her beau are accosted by some of the park’s residents; one thing leads to another and the boyfriend lands up impaled on a broken fence. Norma, justifiably pissed off, makes a deal with the devil and blows everyone and the trailer park to kingdom come. The tragedy that was Norma’s life came to an end that evening… Or did it?

Angry Asian ghost. In a porcelain mask. RUN!

Flash forward to a future with a lot of missing persons posters in the area of the old trailer park and Pastor Lewis is trying to bring a few lost souls back to Jesus. What part of ‘let’s stick half a dozen troubled teenagers in a bus together in the middle of nowhere’ sounded like a good idea I’m not quite sure but they’re here now so we might as well do something with them. While travelling out of a little town the brilliant Pastor Lewis plows their bus into a strangely abandoned truck. With the rain coming down in sheets they run off to find shelter and come across a conveniently placed trailer park run by a lovely woman named Norma. Sounding familiar? Norma’s delightfully southern, in a tiny red dress and only too happy to do whatever it takes to make this little group comfortable for the night. After all, southern people are known for their hospitality. They’re also known for making cheese grits, but that’s a separate story.

Always deep fry your mortal to seal in the juices.

Of course every trailer park comes with its own ghosts, and these ones happen to be particularly vindictive. After killing the inhabitants of the trailer park Norma damned them all to haunt the place because of the deal she made and they’re now super psycho versions of their mortal selves. Red necks, angry Asian masseuses and an overly ‘voluptuous’ woman with a mild racoon meat addiction are the order of the day for our group of misguided youths. As a bunch of sex addicts, drug addicts, adulterers and cowards they’re really gonna have their work cut out for them if they’re gonna have any chance of surviving the night. Prepare yourselves for blood, beheadings and some epic undead drag racing to the edge of sanity and back!

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Hold it in for too long and you will start peeing acid.
• A trailer park isn’t a trailer park if there are no pink flamingos everywhere.
• If a man is a good lover a woman’s face will actually fall off while she’s having sex with him.
• You’re overdoing a back massage when the spine starts to rip through the skin.
• Many of the undead are trained to use landmines.
• Fresh meat brings all the undead to the yard.
• Proper food hygiene is a highly overrated practice.
• You can pray for forgiveness before you’ve actually committed the sin.

TRAILER PARK OF TERROR TRAILER

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