WHAT IT’S ABOUT:
OK I admit it, I have a problem. Ever since I got some sick and perverted joy out of watching Vampire Boys I’ve been trying to find a movie that elicits similar feelings from me. I mean, things like Fraternity Massacre at Hell Island were fun and all, but this is just ridiculous. Made on a shoe string budget (and a rather frayed shoe string at that) with half a dozen people who don’t have an iota of acting talent between them, all this movie does in its 80 minutes of runtime is subject you to a constant stream of narcissistic, anorexic sluts and so much penis you’d think you were at some kind of perverted deli. The editing is so choppy at one point I thought my laptop was actively rebelling against the film and more than once I had to stop and wonder whether I’d popped this movie in or some strange gay porn DVD I didn’t even know I had. Seriously, if you ever come across this anywhere, take the DVD and throw it under a passing truck. The world will never, and should never, be ready for something this horrendously bad.
We begin our rather sordid tale in the car of policeman Cameron. He’s picked up some strange female on the side of the road and is taking her back to her house. After some wooden dialogue and excessive ponytail shots we are teleported back to Cameron’s house. Cameron has a distinctly Asian brother who likes to spend his time mostly naked, lying in Cameron’s bed and Skyping an equally Asian friend of his. After a rousing round of ‘my dick’s bigger so you’re the bitch’ over Skype, Cameron comes home and promptly ejects the Asian brother from his room. Penis displays over, the brother explains to the friend that Cameron is in a rehab programme because, when he was 11, he was made to have sex with a 9-year-old girl. None of this is at all even remotely important to the movie’s progression, but since I had to sit through it I’m making you guys read it. Because I’m mean and vindictive like that. Anyways Brother of the Asian Persuasion goes back into Cameron’s room, gives Cameron a massage (what a strange brotherly bond they have) before Cameron gets a phone call and has to race out the house.
So then we’re taken to the back and beyond of nowhere where Cameron (who’s apparently a psychic now) is interviewing a ginger, flamboyant, lisping, poverty-stricken man’s Jake Gyllenhaal about some or other murder case. We’re told something about some guy getting it on with his retarded brother, another sister who’s deaf and yet another sister who seems to have had some kind of drug problem. I tried desperately to connect all these puzzle pieces to the other parts of the plot but came up empty-handed. Nevertheless this fool then goes on to describe how he’d picked up this pretty little boy on the side of the road, fallen in love, done some terribly things to him sexually, and then run off with a bag full of drugs.
After that we are subjected to yet another story about this strange boy on the side of the road, this time from the perspective of Ginger Gyllenhaal’s boyfriend (but not actually told by him). Taking the concepts of desperation and neediness to hitherto unexplored extremes, Boyfriend meets this guy (who I’m guessing is the movie’s eponymous Siren) on the side of the road, goes back home with him, plays some shocking games of ‘bend over and be my bitch’ and falls madly and passionately in love. All in the space of two days. He’s absolutely smitten with the Siren and can’t imagine his life without him. Of course it can’t all be sunshine and butterflies and hardcore BDSM so the feelings of the Siren are cast into doubt by the fact that, wait for it, he doesn’t eat. Never. Not a thing. Except that weird soup on the stove. Soup plays a large role in this movie, along with booze, cocaine and barely hidden or totally exposed penises. What exactly is Cameron trying to find out? What secrets can Ginger Gyllenhaal expose about the Siren? Who will live and who will die in this deadly game of hide the sausage? I don’t know, and quite frankly, I don’t care.
LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:
- Sex and doughnuts are a good way to show a policeman your appreciation.
- If you’re not gonna have sex with a woman don’t even bother rescuing her on the side of the road.
- You’re never so far out in the sticks that you can’t order Chinese takeout.
- Water is not a viable soup substitute.
- Lesbians have x-ray vision to spy on gays getting it on in the shower.
- One of the perks of being a psychic is that you can telepathically watch other people having sex.
- Drinking all day is much like ramming a gerbil up your arse.
- A cup of cyanide tea really helps a person to unwind after a long day.
- Breakfast goes best with vodka.
- It’s virtually impossible to mug the devil.
- It’s quite easy, however, to tie the devil up and do bad sexual things to him.
- Every guy a slut wants to bang is either gay or the devil.
- Holding a knife to someone’s neck is a sign that the lesser spotted woodland gay wants to mate.
A SIREN IN THE DARK TRAILER
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WHAT IT’S ABOUT:
Great balls of fire, what a load of crap! Not one to do things by half measures I felt that End of the World Month had to be kicked off with a bang, so I present to you Meteor Apocalypse. This is, quite honestly, one of the most painful movies I have seen to date; the acting is sub par, the effects are barely passable, there are plot holes bigger than the meteorites and, to top it all off, it’s boring as hell. I actually had to watch this movie over two evenings because it got to the point where I was so bored watching it I wanted to rip my eyes out. Watch at your own peril.
We’re thrown right in at the deep end with this one. Following a brief credit sequence we find ourselves looking at Earth with a giant comet heading right towards us. In order to redirect it every country in the world that has nuclear weapons opens fire at the comet. The people at NSA (the National Space Administration) are fairly certain that the nukes will break up the comet and redirect any debris away from the planet. The nukes take about 30 seconds to travel pass the moon and hit the comet, resulting in a spectacular display as the destructive intruder is blown to kingdom come. Sadly this is the only part of the prediction NSA got right and now the comet is still heading towards us, just in much smaller fragments.
So now we have hundreds of thousands of meteorites descending to Earth at a rather rapid pace and one crashes into the aptly named Lake of Fire. This is just the first meteorite to crash into a body of water and very quickly the water supply becomes contaminated and people start to fall violently ill. Now let’s all stop for a moment and think back a bit: the comet was hit by dozens of nuclear warheads so logic would dictate that the subsequent meteorites are irradiating the water supply, right? Wrong. The meteorites are putting some kind of pathogen in the water and that’s what’s making people so ill. Now, if the meteorites are putting a pathogen in the water it would seem to imply that some form of microbial life was living on the comet. Thankfully, to save the movie from being embarrassed, it never seems to realise this and just plods along like there’s nothing wrong.
Of course an end of the world movie is nothing if there isn’t a family being torn apart by all the chaos and destruction going on around them. Here’s where David, Kate and Alison come in. Alison was one of the first people to fall ill from the contaminated water supply and, in the initial panic, the CDC (Centres for Disease Containment) decided to quarantine anyone suffering from the sickness and Kate, her mother, was dragged along for the ride. Now David, a humble worker for the water supply company, must travel through the country trying desperately to find his wife and daughter. He’s joined by Lynn, a lovely woman he saved from dying as a result of drinking a contaminated Pepsi. This won’t be a simple journey: the government’s not saying where the sick people are, meteorites are falling in huge clumps at regular intervals, gangs of people are roaming around hunting down anyone they suspect of having clean water and, at some point, another huge comet rocked up out of nowhere and is going to collide with Los Angeles in the next 3 days.
It sounds like it should be an adrenaline-fueled ride against all the odds, but it really isn’t.
LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:
- After the age of 12 the legal weight of a pinky promise drastically decreases.
- In times of crisis excessive ass whipping will keep the population under control.
- The symptoms of meteorite-borne pathogens largely mirror the onset of an epileptic fit.
- The after effects of meteorite-borne pathogens feels similar to motion sickness you get on Disney Land rides.
- When a woman starts throwing up constantly chances are she’s not fine.
- Vaccines will either cure you or make you die an even more horrific death.
- Meteors and comets cause auroras wherever they appear.
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