Jersey Shore Shark Attack Ft. Tropical Mary

Year of Release: 2012
Genre: Horror / Action
IMDB Rating: 3.4 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium
Breast-O-Meter: 0/5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

For anyone that has never set foot in the beautiful city of Cape Town, you’ll never know quite how miserable our winter can be. After 5 months of glorious summer and a very brief autumn when the leaves begin to fall, you’re suddenly lurched into the next 4 months of non-stop cold, wind and, thanks to the wind, rain that comes at you sideways. In this kind of situation, there’s really only one option: hide out at Tropical Mary‘s house with Jersey Shore Shark Attack and wait for the storm to ride itself out. I’m not going to advocate that this movie is any good, because that would be a blatant lie, but for anyone who has had the misfortune of being subjected to MTV’s Jersey Shore then this is an absolute must-watch. With tongue planted firmly in cheek, this movie goes about ripping off a bunch of orange oompa loompas while throwing some albino sharks in for good measure. How could you say no to that?

The country’s brightest young people get together to discuss serious issues.

It’s a tough day down on the Jersey Shore. A tangerine Nooki suspects that her ex-boyfriend Gino ‘The Complication’ Moretti (because, apparently, whenever he’s around, situations with members of the opposite sex become complicated) has been cheating on her (how an ex-boyfriend can cheat on you raises several questions that I couldn’t answer, so I’m just gonna assume it’s a guido thing). Her suspicions are apparently confirmed when we switch to a shot of him in bed in nothing but his boxers whilst a topless female sleeps next to him. He throws her out on the balcony with nothing but a pillow to protect her modesty, but Nooki’s a smart bird and thinks that something’s up when she discovers a lace bra in The Complication’s bed. Things just got complicated.

If we leave it out long enough we can make shark jerky.

You know things are going to go into a bit of a downward spiral whenever Dylan Vox (of Vampire Boys, Aliens VS Avatars and various gay porn movies fame) appears on the scene, and lo and behold there he was in a golf shirt with a popped collar. Now you know that shit’s gonna go down. In an unexpected educational turn I learned that creatures on the Jersey Shore are fiercely territorial, with Vox and his preppy crowd fighting desperately to keep Nooki and her carrot-coloured people on their half of the beach. Through this series of informative events we are introduced to the rest of Nooki’s people: she’s got her pals J-Moni and BJ, while The Complication likes to hang out with Donnie and Paulie Balzac. Before he’s eaten, the boys were also friendly with a guy called JP who, despite being quite regular in size, is constantly referred to as a midget.

I almost got eaten by a shark. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

Well, that more or less covers the ‘Jersey Shore’ part of the movie’s title; let us now move on to the actual shark attack. In an attempt to improve the Jersey Shore and attract a more wealthy and classy kind of visitor (hence the growing number of preppy hipsters), the town has begun drilling just off shore. Drilling for what I’m not entirely certain, but it hardly seems all that important. The point is is that the drilling has been sending tsunami-like sound waves out across the bay and colliding with a crystalline cave full of albino sharks. The sharks, who are seemingly very keen listeners, follow these sound waves back to their point of origin. When they arrive at the Shore (keep an eye on them swimming – I’m pretty sure it’s just recycled Sharktopus footage) they begin to eat everyone in sight. It’ll fall to The Complication to defeat the preppies, win Nooki’s love, save the entire Jersey Shore population and defeat the sharks once and for all. Just another day in the life of a guido.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• New in Jersey Shore fashion: Jersey Shorts (kickass butt not included).
• It’s fine to do you, but you should never do it in public.
• Sharks are a lot like whales, just with fins.
• The bigger the vibration, the bigger the shark attack.
• Any semi-capable police station has a well stock armoury right next to its kitchenette.
• Present tense: to drown. Past tense: to drownded.
• Present tense: to drive. Past tense: to drove.

JERSEY SHORE SHARK ATTACK TRAILER

BUY JERSEY SHORE SHARK ATTACK AT AMAZON.COM

Banshee!!!

Year of Release: 2008
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 4 / 10
Level of Awful: High
Breast-O-Meter: 0 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

In the great big world of b-grade horror, with so many titles vying for my attention, a movie needs to do a little something to catch my eye and make me want to see it. The three exclamation marks in this one’s title were enough to do it for me, and after the crushing disappointment that was Kinky Killers I was ready for something that would tickle my funny bone a little. This one came very close to being funny, but was ultimately let down by the fact that the actors appear to have been picked up at the local bus station and given 5 minutes to remember their lines. By the time this reality fully drove itself home I was already about 20 minutes in, so I figured I might as well finish watching it.

The Un-Virgin Mary appears from the mist…

Back in 1970 smoking weed was all the rage. It was so fashionable, in fact, that it distracted certain men from the fact that they were sitting around in their mother’s basement, half-dressed and closing in on 40. It truly was a golden age. One fateful night three stoners, having previously passed a few lazy, hazy hours watching a rudimentary form of porn, decide that they’re hungry and head out in the pursuit of snacks. On this journey a miracle happens: out of the mist, in the middle of the road, accompanied by a wind machine and perfectly placed back light, emerges the female from said rudimentary porn video. Questioning nothing, including why she literally has buckets of green saliva, the stoners let her into the car and offer to drive her all night to get to her destination. This was the last Good Samaritan act any of them will ever perform. The woman quickly slashes all of them to pieces and crashes the car into a shallow puddle of water, where it will lie untouched for nearly 40 years.

You need all this to fix a radio?

In the year 2008 the shallow puddle of water has since evaporated, leaving the old car exposed. Jack Gorman, with the help of two buddies, his dog and some industrial building machinery, manages to drag the old car out for reasons vaguely alluded to. In the car’s boot he discovers a very strange, squishy object that (to the trained monster movie eye) resembles a kind of cocoon. He thinks nothing about it, and heads on home for dinner. Elsewhere in the forest a group of young college creatures has just arrived to celebrate Spring Break. Veronica, our blonde and chinless heroine, wants to get together with all her old friends to rekindle the interest they once had in one another. Whilst it was hard to imagine anyone once having an interest in any member of this group, I decided to suspend disbelief and see where the movie wanted to take me.

Cave Man Banshee goes a huntin’.

Just to clear up any confusion anyone may be experiencing, the cocoon from earlier had a banshee (!!!) in it and now it’s running around the woods. The kids find this out relatively early into their camping trip when one of them gets a branch rammed through their face. Jack and his nephew Rocker have been having a stand-off with the creature for a few days, but it’s making quick work of anyone else who just happens to be wandering through the woods. Its scream isn’t only debilitating but, if you’re exposed to it for long enough, your head will explode. When the surviving kids manage to find Jack’s house they all need to band together to fend off the banshee (!!!) or land up being ripped limb from limb and drained of blood. Personally, in a toss-up between the dismemberment and watching this movie again, I’m still in two minds about which one I’d go for.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• So far as stalkers go you could do a lot worse than the average looking black guy.
• Good friends will teleport ahead of the group to set up the camp site.
• It’s very unusual for a banshee to live outside its natural Irish habitat.
• Women who go camping are just asking to be pursued by a sexual deviant.
• When your wife has been brutally slain you should wait a few days before mopping up the blood.
• Some people go to college to do more than just drink beer and pee on things.

BANSHEE!!! TRAILER

BUY BANSHEE!!! AT AMAZON.COM

Do You Wanna Know A Secret

Year of Release: 2001
Genre:  Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 2.9 / 10
Level of Awful: High
Breast-O-Meter: 0 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Oh dear dear dear. First of all, before we even tackle the movie itself, I have a simple question: where the hell is the question mark at the end of the title? It really doesn’t bode well when the makers of the film couldn’t even get their title to be grammatically correct. Secondly, despite its somewhat I Know What You Did Last Summer cover this really is just one more poorly made slasher movie about bratty college kids in a heavily polluted ocean of poorly made slasher movies about bratty college kids. And last, but certainly not least, yes I would like to know a secret. With this suggestive title one might imagine that we would receive enlightenment about this great secret that drives the plot but sadly this is not the case. At least I don’t think it’s the case. If what happens at the end is the secret, then this movie is even lamer than if there wasn’t a secret.

Big... word... make... head... HURT!

But before I can begin telling you the wonderous magnificence of this movie we need some back story that the main plotline can be painfully birthed from later. A college student of the male persuasion is in his shabby chic little room (minus the chic bit) listening to music by the glow of a lava lamp when someone slips a note under his door. On the note the words ‘Do You Wanna Know A Secret?’ (see, how come they could put the question mark in here but not in the title? Continuity issues…) are emblazoned in giant red marking pen. Being a curious lad who would indeed love to know a secret he wanders out into the corridor looking for the person who so sneakily sent the note. The corridors are teaming with as much life as a zombie that’s been out in the sun for 10 years so he returns to his room to continue getting dressed. Just as he walks in a robed figure, emerging from the shadows, marches into the room armed with an axe and brutally murders him. In a touching moment the man lies there, his last seconds of life slipping away, clinging to the shattered photo of him and his girlfriend.

Suddenly, a Chuck Norris Impressionists convention breaks out...

Now whilst all of this is very sad a year has passed and the one-time flame of the dead man needs to move on with her life. Now, what’s a square-faced girl fresh out of rehab, on very strong (what I’m assuming to be) antipsychotics and with a new piece of boy candy on her arm to do with her life? Oh yeah, that’s right: spring break (in winter) and debaucherous antics with her closest and bitchiest friends! So off Beth (ex of the dead man) and Hank (new boyfriend of the ex of the dead man) go to Florida to meet up with Tina (blonde slut), Nellie (Latina slut), Oz (token black guy) and Brad (token disturbed white bloke). When they arrive in Florida the world becomes their oyster; there are just so many fun things to do without parental supervision that the mind boggles. I mean this group are every bit as hardcore in their partying as Dorothy, Blanche, Rose and Sophia ever were. But something is about to go wrong. After disembarking from their boat after a night of boozing and cruising (don’t worry, there appears to have been a designated captain) Brad is killed by a robed man while tying up the boat.

Why yes, I am surprised. Why do you ask?

Not that the death of their friend seems to have any major impact on the group, mind you. Assuming that Brad’s gone off on a bender or met up with a hooker the remaining group of friends press on with their binge and purge cycle of copious amounts alcohol in the evening followed by copious amounts of fruit juice in the morning. The fact that the words ‘Do You Wanna Know A Secret?’ are scrawled across Brad’s computer screen don’t even alert them to the fact that something might be wrong. It takes Beth actually seeing the robed and masked figure killing another man in a parking lot for her to realise that something is in fact wrong and that her life may be in danger. Unfortunately for her Florida seems to be filled with backwood hicks for policemen and they refuse to let her or her friends leave until they can figure out what’s going on. Even the FBI are powerless to do anything in the face of a local sheriff. But as the murderer reappears and mysteriously manages to keep breaking into their unlocked, doors-wide-open mansion and slowly kill them off one by one, the time must come for Beth to face her fears, figure out if she would perhaps like to know a secret and stop the killer before it’s too late.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• It’s quite common for women to experience 3 dreams in one while dealing with a tragic loss.
• In a bartering society women will often flash their breasts in exchange for a taco.
• Some people don’t realise that you need to turn a computer on before you can do anything with it.
• Discussing brutally slaughtered boyfriends tends to ruin a party mood.
• Non-bitchy women dream of growing up to become enormous bitches one day.
• The only thing stopping some women from going after the Pope is not knowing where Rome is.
• Some women don’t mind having their drinks spiked. To them it’s just a new experience.
• It’s unnatural for people to die while on vacation.

DO YOU WANNA KNOW A SECRET TRAILER

BUY DO YOU WANNA KNOW A SECRET AT AMAZON.COM

Piranha 3D

Year of Release: 2010
Genre: Horror / Comedy
IMDB Rating: 6 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Better late than never! I had every intention of going to see this movie when it came out last year but for some reason just never got round to it. It’s a bit of a pity because the 3D would’ve added an extra little touch to this bloody boob fest. I remember watching the original Roger Corman version and its sequel many years ago and really enjoyed them, and since remakes / reinterpretations have not filled me with hope recently (Halloween, A Nightmare on Elm Street), I was a little sceptical going into this. It’s by no means a good movie; in fact it’s absolute trash. But it’s trash in the best way: there are boobs everywhere, completely over-the-top gore, two guest starring porn stars and an ensemble cast of people you vaguely recognise.

It's tragic when incontinence sets in at such an early age...

Our story takes place at Lake Victoria, Arizona during spring break. Off in the distance, away from the frolicking college co-eds, a local fisherman is enjoying a relaxing day of sunshine and a dozen beers. Today’s clearly not his lucky day because, just when he manages to land a fish, he spills his beer overboard. When the beer hits the bottom of the lake the sheer force of it seems to create an earthquake that splits the lake’s floor wide open (it may be coincidence that the two things happened at the same time, but I’m not entirely sure). This rift creates a whirlpool that begins sucking everything into it, including the fishing boat and about 100 lawn chairs that somehow found their way to the bottom of the lake. Unfortunately, in addition to sucking things in, the rift also lets something out: thousands upon thousands of hungry, nasty, angry piranhas. Having been trapped in a subterranean lake for however long these little fishies are hungry for some new food, and they make short work of the fisherman before beginning to spread out towards the party goers.

Tell me to 'just keep swimming' one more time and you're gonna get it!

In amongst the crowd of slutty females and drunken jocks (the youth of today, I tell you…) the important people are as follows: Sheriff Julie, her eldest son Jake, her younger kids Laura and Zane, Girls Gone Wild-esque film maker Derrick, Jake’s crush Kelly and Derrick’s main ‘actresses’ Danni and Crystal. Derrick has made Jake an offer he can’t refuse: he needs a local to show him all the hot spots in town where he can film girls at their most uninhibited and, in return, Jake can watch the girls at their most uninhibited. To cramp his style somewhat his mother has asked him to babysit his brother and sister while she tries to keep the college kids in order and find out why they’ve only managed to find half of the missing fisherman. As any red-blooded 17-year-old would do Jake agrees, bribes his siblings to stay home and takes off with Derrick, Crystal and Danni. As any unsupervised child would do Laura and Zane take the money, ignore instructions and take off onto the lake in their canoe. Their plan doesn’t pan out when they don’t tie it up properly and become stranded on an island, all blissfully unaware of the man-eating fish swimming through the lake.

♫ My heart will go OOOOOOOOOONNNNNNN! ♫

After a group of seismologists, sent in to investigate the subterranean lake beneath Lake Victoria, are eaten Sheriff Julie manages to capture one fish and take it to a friend of hers who specialises in studying piranhas (apparently). He concludes that these piranhas are meant to be extinct and must have survived under the lake for over 2 million years by cannibalising one another (surely this would shrink the gene pool considerably, but anyway). When Julie tries to evacuate the lake nobody takes much notice of her or her colleagues and, instead, start diving into the lake. Sadly this is roughly when the fish decide to turn up for lunch and what follows is the most spectacular, gory, disgustingly enjoyable scene of mass panic that includes a woman being scalped when her hair gets caught in a boat’s engine blades, a stage falling into the water and another girl breaking in two as she is carried out of the water. In amongst all this Julie must try and save Jake, Laura and Zane from a smutty, smutty boat while trying to avoid being eaten herself and attempt to rid her lake of these little beasts before tourism and property values begin to plummet.

It’s hardly faithful to the original, the piranhas are actually secondary to the breasts on display and I don’t recommend watching this after a bolognaise dinner, but it’s trashy watching at its absolute best.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• When scared of being eaten alive people just break apart.
• Economic considerations should be weighed against the possibility of tourists being eaten alive by fish.
• Being the sheriff’s son means that smutty directors will always do your bidding.
• Piranha eggs glow in the dark.
• Science has proven that when women skinny dip together, operatic music will begin echoing from the depths.
• Breasts moving at high speeds underwater contort in the most amazing ways imaginable.

PIRANHA 3D TRAILER