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Cannibal Hookers

Year of Release: 1987
Genre: Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 2.2 / 10
Level of Awful: Requires Post-Film Lobotomy

MUSIC!

Jan Sterling – Angel Fire

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

I don’t know why, but usually when I have a great idea of some kind I end up regretting it deeply. The idea here was, as the last review for 1987 month, I had to go all out; there had to be at least one ‘Requires Post-Film Lobotomy’ review so that I could say this little experiment was a success. If that idea ever occurs again I hope someone will have the strength of conviction to take my laptop and beat me over the head with it because THIS WAS HORRIBLE! It has earned the high distinction of being one of the absolute worst movies I have ever seen, and the joke is it was only 67 minutes long. Whereas some movies, say Aerobicide for example, were painted with the 80s, in Cannibal Hookers the 80s walked in and threw up over everything. It’s just one gigantic mess from beginning to end and words cannot actually describe the true awfulness of this movie. But without words there would be no review, so I’m gonna give it a try anyway 🙂

By the gods, someone rip my eyes out and throw them in bleach!

Hillary is a rebel with an overbearing WASP of a mother who disapproves of her friends and the awful influence they have on her. All of these friends are actually only Deedee, a young lady who looks like a rebel but is actually quite quiet and sweet. Both girls, however, feel that they need some independence and as we all know the only place you’re ever gonna find that kind of thing is by joining a sorority house. But this isn’t any sorority house mind you, this is Gamma Zeta Beta, the sluttiest sorority on campus! Where this campus is we’re apparently never gonna find out, but if there’s a sorority house I assume it has to be attached to something. Because Hillary and Deedee rocked up to the initiation meeting (at the house of the head sister’s grandmother by the looks of things) late they have an extra special task to perform before being allowed in: they have to pose as hookers and attract a client. When they get the client and bring him back to another house they’ll be let in.

This place is an 80s mess! Clean it up NOW!

If running this blog has taught me anything it’s that nothing involving a sorority initiation will ever work out well, and why should Gamma Zeta Beta be any different? There’s a reason these ladies are so slutty and willing to go home with anything: in addition to being highly intelligent students at a leading university they’re also a blood cult. How this all works is a little hazy but it involves a lot of thongs, a lot of saggy asses, an occasional axe, the head sorority sister sleeping with a skull on her crotch and a mentally touched ogre named Lobo. Anyways Hillary and Deedee are out on the street and having some difficulty attracting tricks so they manage to sucker some of Hillary’s boyfriend’s friends into playing along so that they can get into the sorority and then go home. One thing leads to another and one of the friends lands up having his heart ripped out of his chest and smeared all over a woman’s breasts. Of course the story wouldn’t be horribly convoluted enough if we didn’t throw one last little thing into the mixture: while the women of this cult only want the internal organs of men to feast upon, biting another woman helps to spread the quasi-vampiric disease that’s affecting them. Will Hillary and Deedee manage to escape from the clutches of this terrifying cult? How many sleazy lives will be lost in their pursuit for eternal beauty? Does any of it really matter? No, no it doesn’t…

I couldn’t find a trailer for this movie so instead I’m including a clip from it. Might just give you a little insight into the horror that is Cannibal Hookers!

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • An axe handle fits quite comfortably in a hooker’s crack.
  • A man will put up no resistance when a hooker bites his finger off.
  • Being the sluttiest sorority on campus takes hard work.
  • There’s no difference between a sorority and a whore house.
  • Being unpopular is no different to being gang raped by nazis.
  • For some people sex involves nothing more than remaining completely clothed and rolling your head around a lot.
  • Anything that happened over a week ago is ancient history.
  • Hookers are violently territorial and will resort to disembowelment if necessary.
  • It is necessary for hookers to wake up seductively.
  • Advice to new hookers: stay away from bisexuals, watch out for pimps and always charge extra for blowjobs.

CANNIBAL HOOKERS: HILLARY & HER MOM

Blood Sisters

Year of Release: 1987
Genre: Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 2.7 / 10
Level of Awful: High

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

To kick off my blast from the past 1987-themed movie month I felt that I should go all out and watch something that was both cheesy and filled with 80s ideas of promiscuity, prostitution and poltergeists. Thankfully everything I wanted was to be found in Blood Sisters, a delightful tale of a sorority initiation gone wrong bundled up in a wrapping of bad hair, chunky accessories and outfits that will make your eyes bleed. It’s one of those typical movies that couldn’t quite decide on whether it wanted to be a paranormal thriller or a slasher movie so it just throws both things together and explains neither.

The Ku Klux Klan's Women's Guild holds its weekly baking circle.

Deep in the forest, far away from the highway or the distractions of modern life, there exists a place where you can just get away from it all and forget all your worries: the local whore house. Here dozens of women wearing horrible undergarments and covered in so much makeup it would take a demolition crew to take it off are ready and willing to serve your every need, so long as the price is right. There are women for every man’s taste, so long as he doesn’t like them attractive. Business is thriving and the hookers are having a blast in their little hideaway, but somebody isn’t nearly as pleased with the fine work they do for their community. One day, in broad daylight, somebody sneaks into the house armed with a shotgun ready to put an end to this house of giggling delights. With the hookers dead and the local sex economy in a slump, the events of that day gradually begin to make their way into the local annals of urban legend and, it is said, that should you go into the old hooker house deep in the woods the spirits of the women still wander its halls in their trashiest finery, looking for young virgins to take as otherworldly lovers.

Even the mannequin wasn't prepared to put up with 80s fashion anymore...

When a whore house standing alone in the middle of the woods was once the scene of tragic events, both during its occupants lives and their untimely deaths, the place is virtually begging to host a sorority initiation. The local sorority made up of Greek letters thrown together at random has just finished shortlisting its very long list of pledges and is now ready to allow a new group of girls into its hallowed, bitchy halls. To prove that they will support one another as sisters and to prove that they are stable and mature individuals they must spend the night in the old abandoned whore house which the head sorority sister will have booby-trapped to try to scare them half to death and run out of the house like a banshee into the night. Test of maturity? Yeah, about that. So after a night of what looks like a primitive form of clubbing that takes up a good ten minutes of the movie the girls are blindfolded, put in a van and driven into the woods. From here they need to unpack, get comfortable, hear the story of what happened in the house and then go on a scavenger hunt to prove their allegiance to their would-be sorority house.

Mirrors are known to broadcast lesbian memories from the Other Side.

So now the house has been rigged up by a team of drunken jocks with a variety of things to scare the girls during their scavenger hunt: tapes of women screaming, babies crying, fake axes, a fake gun and so on and so forth. For a while everything is going fine as the girls go about finding random items on their lists. But then things start to get strange and the girls start seeing things, ghostly things. Strange women are wandering the halls while mysterious and sexy memories begin to play in the house’s mirrors. When it becomes apparent to the girls that the sounds that they’ve been hearing are just coming from things planted in the house to scare them they become more relaxed, but it certainly doesn’t explain the things that they’re seeing around them. When they start to be picked off one by one and cry out for help nobody comes looking for them, thinking that it’s simply another trap that’s been set off to scare them. The question to be asked, however, is what exactly is in the house with them? Are they really becoming the victims of hookers from beyond the grave or is something more sinister, more alive, stalking this old house with them?

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • It’s hard to distinguish between a cult meeting and sorority sisters just getting together.
  • Health food not only helps you to lose weight but it will also reverse the effects of degenerative eye disease.
  • Women find the memories of ghosts having sex with their favourite client highly arousing.
  • Ghostly memories are always accompanied by circus music.
  • The presence of ghosts is always accompanied by the sound of bell chimes ringing backwards.
  • Sarcasm and fear have no place in a haunted whore house.
  • Prostitutes who don’t give good head risk having the police shut their brothel down.

BLOOD SISTERS TRAILER

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Buried Alive

Year of Release: 2007
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 3.9 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium

To spread the good word about the joys of horrible horrors I was invited to do another guest review. Head on over to Horror Daily to read my review of Buried Alive.

BURIED ALIVE TRAILER

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B-Horror Throwdown!: The House on Sorority Row VS Sorority Row

1983 : Year of Release : 2009
Horror / Thriller : Genre : Horror / Thriller
5.7 / 10 : IMDB Rating : 5 / 10
Surprise! : Level of Awful : Low

THROWDOWN!

This guy is also shocked by how 80s the original movie is.

Welcome to the B-Horror Blog’s first ever B-Horror Throwdown! The premise is simple: take a cheesy horror movie fitting of this site, find its remake and pit the two against one another. The rules are simple: the original movie is the benchmark that the remake is compared against – is it true to the original? Does it improve on the original? What new elements have been incorporated? Does the remake manage to raise the bar or dive into new depths of cheesy goodness? So many questions to answer and in the end only one can be the winner and the loser needs to have the crap beaten out of it. For the first Throwdown! I have chosen to pit The House on Sorority Row against Sorority Row. The reasoning behind this is that I’d seen the original about a year ago but hadn’t gotten around to watching the remake. This provides the perfect opportunity to judge the new movie against an original that I’ve already formed an opinion of. Plus I got the original in a 4-in-1 bargain pack and that means it automatically qualifies for a place on the B-Horror Blog 🙂

Being 'cute' in the 80s was very different to today!

To begin with, these two movies have very little in common with one another other than the premise that they are built on. In House Mrs Slater, the housemother of the Pi Theta sorority, is a bitch that the girls in the house detest. They become particularly pissed off when she forbids them from having a final party for their graduation and decide that they should pull a good old-fashioned sorority prank on her. This prank involves taking her walking stick and leaving it in the middle of the swamp-like swimming pool and holding a gun to her and making her dive in. Lead bitch Vicki (Eileen Davidson of later Days of our Lives fame), however, decides that it will be even more fun if they load the gun and fire some shots off for extra effect. Since one of the great rules of horror is that things like this should never go according to plan one of the bullets lands up hitting Mrs Slater and killing her. The girls decide that they should dispose of the body so that the four years of college education they’ve just completed doesn’t go to waste. This said and done and their party well under way the girls are stalked by a killer intent on taking out those people who killed Mrs Slater (or did they?).

"OK, so do I have any takers for 'this is a bad idea'? Anyone?"

Sorority Row follows its predecessor in that it’s also based around the prank-gone-wrong scenario. This time the girls of Theta Pi sorority (it’s not the same movie if you switch the Greek letters around) are planning on getting even: Megan, one of the sisters, has been cheated on by her boyfriend Garrett. Since being in a sorority apparently means that anything and everything should be done to uphold sisterly honour (I’m not familiar with the Greek system so I’m really just running with it here) the other sisters Jessica (lead bitch), Cassidy (loyal and brave), Chugs (slutty drunk and Garrett’s sister), Claire (shy wannabe of the Asian persuasion) and Ellie (shy redhead) pretend to give Garrett pills to drug Megan to ‘get her in the mood’ (<- Right there! See it? Just set the women’s movement back by at least 20 years!). When Megan begins throwing up everywhere (part of the plan) the girls and Garrett drive out to an old abandoned mine where they pretend that they need to dispose of the body by cutting it up. For fun this is all being recorded on a cellphone. Jessica tells everyone to go and find sharp stones to cut the body up (part of the plan) but Garrett, understandably freaked out, takes a tire iron and punctures Megan’s lung so that her body won’t float in the lake (NOT part of the plan). They then need to actually dispose of the body by throwing it down the abandoned mine’s shaft. 8 months later as the sisters prepare to graduate a killer stalks Theta Pi’s final party killing off the girls and miscellaneous others. Like the girls from House, did Jen & Co. actual kill Megan?

When druids go bad ass...

So what are we left with? The House on Sorority Row, much to my surprise, is actually a good movie so long as you can see past the 80s-ness of it. It’s a different take on the slasher genre and it plays out well with all of the girls playing their parts well. And it has clowns – anything with clowns is scary. Sorority Row also isn’t a bad movie, but unfortunately it’s no where near as good as the first one. Ironically it’s the fact that it’s meant to be a ‘re-imagining’ of House that’s its primary problem: had it been given a different name and not leaned on the original it would have been a fairly decent watch. I liked seeing Princess Leah as the housemother Mrs Crenshaw and I liked that the characters were meant to be somewhat related to the characters in the original. I thought that the way they incorporated Mrs Slater’s walking stick in one of the scenes was very well done. I certainly didn’t like Rumer Willis in the role whiny, irritating, crying-every-three-seconds Ellie and the twist to find out who the killer is left me cold. While Sorority Row had some fantastic kills and it certainly brought up the sleaze level to a point an 80s movie just couldn’t aim for I still feel as though it leaves you wanting a little more.

The rules of Throwdown! state that a winner needs to be picked and the loser have the crap beaten out of it. While House on Sorority Row was fun and original, Sorority Row wasn’t unique enough to be a movie in its own right and not close enough to the original to be a decent remake. House on Sorority Row wins this round!

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • You can perform a Caesarean section with nothing but a surgical knife and a candle.
  • Contrary to modern times it was considered the norm in the 80s for men to wear micro shorts and for women to wear manly shirts.
  • 80s sex involved a lot of groaning with very little movement.
  • Two towels are heavy enough to sink a human corpse.
  • In case of emergency reach for the knife in the doll’s head.
  • A willingness to dispose of your friend’s body shows how much you love your family.
  • Being a member of a sorority is similar to making a blood oath with the devil.
  • Murdering is a wonderful couple’s activity.
  • On a psycho scale 50 crazy bitches is the rough equivalent of one serial killer.

 

THE HOUSE ON SORORITY ROW TRAILER

SORORITY ROW TRAILER

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