Elimination

Year of Release: 2010
Genre: Horror / Action
IMDB Rating: 3.1 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium
Breast-O-Meter: 2 /5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

It’s movies like this that make you lose faith in the whole premise of film making. I mean, you want to believe that film makers are trying their best to put out high quality, original movies, and then this rather blatant Saw ripoff comes along and makes you question everything. Yeah, we all know that none of that’s true, but Elimination isn’t even subtle in what it’s trying to piggy back on. Granted, it has some of the cheapest CGI I’ve ever seen in a film and each and every actor could’ve easily been outperformed by a paperclip (which unintentionally gives it its entertainment value), but I spent my whole time sitting in front of the TV just waiting for someone to say “I want to play a game.” But I guess this is what you get from a movie that has unnecessary breasts thrown in front of the camera before the 1 minute mark has even been passed.

Whatever you do, don’t show any emotion…

As I’m sure we’re all painfully aware, we live in the age of reality television, and the Good Lord knows that they’ll stick a camera in front of anyone and follow them around. Everyone wants to be famous, right? Well, so does our bunch of generic clichés (and there’s a lot of them – latino, latina, jock, bitch blonde, bitch blonde’s caring boyfriend, street thug, smart hot girl in a cardigan etc.). They’re all about to audition for a brand new online reality show called Spotlight. They don’t really know what it’s all about or where it’s being filmed, but there’s a $1 million dollar prize at the end of it for the winner, so I suppose the finer details might not be at the forefront of their tiny minds.

Featuring a special guest appearance by My Friend The Killer Clown Movie.

After getting together in a parking lot and meeting one of Spotlight‘s crew members, the gang is bundled into an unmarked van, stripped of their cellphones, drugged, and taken to an unknown location in the middle of the desert. None of them seem to find any of this particularly disconcerting, so they all make their way through to the audition room. Here they meet Jigsa… I mean the Executive Producer… via a live stream. He explains to them that the game they’re about to play might be a tad bit more extreme than they were planning on, and that it may or may not cater to an audience who likes watching snuff but doesn’t want to call it that. You see, Spotlight involves the gang running through various zones in an attempt to make it to the end. They’ll be pursued by a psychotic clown and an Amazonian warrior (who, again, has two breasts) who will try to brutally murder them. Since none of this is entirely above-board the kids can’t really back out on contractual technicalities, so it’s off into the labyrinth of doom for them.

Imagine the permits you’d need to have that installed…

Whilst the pseudo-Amazon and the clown provide some real-life threats, there are also stock dangers like machine guns, giant blades, giant furnaces and oversized food blenders to watch out for. To balance out the rather steep danger curve, the zones also have several hidden immunity statues, granting the holder 15 minutes where the clown and Amazon can’t kill them. Also, if a spotlight appears, anyone who stands in it is also safe from the executioners. But whilst the executioners and the oversized food blender are certainly areas of concern for the group, their greatest threat will be one another. Only one person can make it to the final zone and win the $1 million prize, so every clichéd character is going to underwhelmingly bring out their worst character traits in an attempt to make it out alive. If you’re like me, dear reader, by the time it comes to the final showdown, you too will be rooting for the oversized food blender.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• It’s never a bad idea to give your cellphone to a creepy old man and climb into his unmarked van.
• Kids these days are incredibly whiny about being drugged and taken places against their will.
• It takes years of Tae Bo training to effectively kick a man in the balls.
• Research indicates that modern killers don’t really concern themselves with their victims’ comfort when building their killing contraptions.
• Rampaging murderers are easily thwarted by an empty cardboard box.
• Even murderers edit their footage to make their shows more dramatic and increase their ratings.
• Even psychotic executioners are part of a union.
• Psychotically deadly situations really bring out some people’s inner narcissist.

ELIMINATION TRAILER

The Death Factory: Bloodletting

Year of Release: 2008
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 4.2 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Now this is how you do a proper b-grade horror movie! Alright acting, alright plot, lots of blood, good creature, a few boob shots and a mad man behind it all. The Death Factory: Bloodletting (quite a mouthful) isn’t at all frightening and there were points where me and my friends were doubled over laughing so hard at some of the things that were going on there were tears rolling down our faces. There’s also a place reserved for us in the seventh circle of hell because of the fact we laughed so much at the ‘simple’ guy in charge of looking after the monster. I’m not the kind of person to make fun of these things but he was just so out of place in amongst the blood and gore that it was just ridiculous. But let me tell you about all the other fun in this movie:

♫ You're mind is in Disturbia, it's like the darkness is the light... ♫

Ana Romero is pissed off, and understandably so: 2 years ago her daughter was taken from her front lawn and brutally murdered. To rub salt in the wound Ana found out how her daughter was killed by finding a video that had been posted on the internet posted on a snuff site. Not content with the police’s inability to track down her daughter’s murderer Ana begins to trade in illegal snuff movies and the like on various sites dedicated to such abominations under the username Massive 9. She develops quite a cult following and is invited to a bloodletting, a live show of an innocent women being tortured along with a group of people who are actively involved in making and distributing films in several different disgusting genres.

You meet the most interesting groups of people when you go to a snuff screening...

Meet the gang: Massive 9, Cock Master, Rubber Love, White Manson, Black Johnson, Gretel, Gretal’s slave Hansel and Slutty Baby, a delightful crowd with varying interests. While they think they’re here to watch a woman, known affectionately as The Object, being tortured in front of them they are actually a part of a religious fanatic’s plan to help God rid the earth of the vile and the detestable. Under the codename of Big Brother he has the entire building under surveillance and a nasty little trick up his sleeve. You see his sister Alexa underwent trials several years earlier in a treatment facility with an experimental drug that was meant to rejuvenate damaged human tissue and cells. What it actually managed to do was turn her into a cannibalistic nutcase with a nice pair of Freddy Kruger knives on her fingers and teeth like the vampires in 30 Days of Night. I only found out that there was a Death Factory 1 after I saw this movie so I can’t comment on whether or not any of this is related to the first movie.

I swear it was like this when I found it!

So the scene is set for absolute mayhem and bloodshed as Alexa begins to work her way through this group of society’s degenerates. Thankfully Ana was clever enough to bring a gun (wait until you see how she snuck it in!) but it won’t do her a lot of good when she has to fight off the other people in the group just as much as she needs to defend herself from Alexa. Things start to get interesting when White Manson turns on her and Sid (our ‘simple’ hero who talks like a high-pitched Sid the Sloth) injects her with the same serum that’s used to keep Alexa alive and in her current God-loving and ravenous state. When Ana begins to transform the stage is ready for the ultimate b-horror mutated bitch fight. When all is said and done this movie is a lot of fun, but sadly not for the reasons the director would have liked you to enjoy it.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• A woman can store a fully loaded gun and another round of bullets in her vagina.
• There is no honour amongst snuff movie makers.
• Women, even when faced with death, will stop to admire a pole and touch it like she was about to perform a strip show.
• Queefing: verb – to use one’s vagina as a purse.
• Chicken wire, when electrocuted, is impossible to break through.
• Ironically you can put a black man that’s involved in white slave trading and a neo-Nazi in a room together and they’ll get along rather well.
• Anaemia  = cannibalistic.
• Blessed are the ‘simple’ people for they control the cannibalistic monster.

The Death Factory Bloodletting Trailer