Shredder

Year of Release: 2003
Genre: Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 4.4 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium
Breast-O-Meter: 0.5 /5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

There’s a special place for many kinds of movies in my heart: cheesy disaster movies, disastrous monster movies, monstrous 80s horror movies, but there’s also something very special about the early-2000s slasher movie. The harsh makeup, the proliferation of pseudo-lesbionic characters, the jocks with the bleach blonde hair and ebony eyebrows, the strange overuse of animal print – it all makes for a delightful assault on the eyes. Shredder doesn’t disappoint on any of these criteria. It reminds me of another classic I reviewed, Do You Wanna Know A Secret, but on ice. With a soundtrack that would rival the best porno, a decent assortment of sluts and bitches, and such riveting dialogue as “What country are you from?” “Europe”, I would thoroughly recommend giving this a watch if you’re in the mood for a good laugh.

Thank God, I thought I was the only one who bought that hat.

The joys of being a 30-something college student with rich friends: you get to go to deserted ski resorts whenever the mood takes you. This is exactly what Kimberly Van Arx has in mind for the weekend – daddy wants to buy an old ski resort to further bolster the family’s already considerable assets, and she’s gonna go up and check the place out. She sells this to Cole, her boyfriend, as a romantic get away for the two of them, it’s just that two actually equates to seven people. But it’ll be fun! Plus, the more men that go along, the more chances Kimberly has of prancing around in the snow in a high-waisted, leopard print bikini, so it’s all for a greater good. Of course, none of these kids heed any of the traditional warning signs about going on such a holiday – things like all the locals in the bar creepily staring at them, the fact that the resort’s entrance has been bolted shut, and the fact that there’s a lot of brand new ski equipment in the lodge, with no owner around to be found.

I’ll be good! I’ll be good, I swear!

But all of these things are trivial when the main goal is to get blind drunk, high as a kite, and bang more people than a hooker on payday. For Kimberly, the main goal will be to land Christophe, a blonde gentleman of some vague European abstraction that they picked up along the way. Sure, he won’t tell anyone where he comes from, he becomes oddly uncomfortable when the police are around, and he seems to know this area very well, but surely that doesn’t mean he’s up to anything shady, right? Then, of course, there are also the legends surrounding this resort, the story of the young girl who was killed in a snowboarding accident, and now her wrathful, angry spirit roams the mountain seeking her skiing revenge on any snowboarder she finds. But of course, that’s just a myth…

Now take two of these, get plenty of rest, and you’ll be back on your feet in no time.

But if it’s just a myth why are so many people in this little group landing up dead? And not snowboarding accident dead, like murdered by the mysterious skier dressed all in black dead. And apart from him, there’s also some extra kinds of weird going on around here. Like the random skiing chick who likes to ski naked or have men’s hands down her parka while sitting on the ski lift. And there’s her crazy father who keeps screaming on about the dangers of snowboarding. And what’s with all the pamphlets about the proper use of the skiing slopes? To these kids, very little of it matters – there’s sex and some extreme snowboarding to be had, so by the time they actually wake up to the fact that there’s a problem they’re already up to their necks in it. Well, at least the ones that still have necks are. It’ll take all their combined, underwhelming abilities to make it off this mountain alright and, if they’re lucky, one member of the group might just be that right combination of hardcore and bi-curious to get them all to safety.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• When going on a ski vacation, it’s essential that you pack enough bikinis.
• Women peeing needs to be documented for future generations.
• Smart kids carry their own jaws of life with them wherever they go.
• European men speak only in innuendos.
• With enough ass waving and a spare pair of knickers any sheriff will be putty in your hands.
• It’s very dangerous for your blood/alcohol level to surpass 10.kajilion.
• The best way for a man to thank a woman for saving his life is to invite her to a bisexual threeway.

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Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman

Year of Release: 2000
Genre: Horror / Comedy
IMDB Rating: 3.4 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium
Breast-O-Meter: 1 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Well, tis the season and all that, so it felt only right that I watch a Christmas themed movie to bring myself fully into the spirit of the holidays. I watched the original Jack Frost last year so its sequel seemed as good a place as any to start. It was a joyful watch and a reminder of why I enjoy watching movies like this (crap ones, not Christmas ones…): in no way does it take itself seriously and it’s just too delightfully daft to not enjoy. If you only watch one Christmas-themed movie this year, make sure that it involves the best damn killer snowman out there!

Extreme Barbecuing is a dangerous and unforgiving sport.

A year has passed since Jack Frost attacked the little town of Snowmonton. Sam Tiler, the town’s sheriff, has been struggling to come to terms with what happened that fateful night. His wife and friends have moved on, convinced that Jack can’t escape from his anti-freeze prison and his therapist openly laughs at him when he brings up the topic of the killer snowman. All in all, it’s a tough time for Sam, and it’s about to get a lot tougher. Unbeknownst to everyone a team of scientists with a redneck scout have dug up the anti-freeze bottles with Jack in them and are trying to revive him. The experiments are wholly unsuccessful until one night when the janitor comes in to clean the lab. Being a clumsy fool and showing no thought to the many delicate glass beakers floating around he just continuously bashes into the fish tank with Jack in it. In doing this he manages to tip a cup of coffee into the tank and all hell breaks loose. Jack can use the water molecules in the coffee to reform and the janitor quickly lands up with a piece of fish tank through his face.

Insert sexual innuendo here.

To take Sam’s mind off his troubles his wife Anne decides that they should go away for Christmas this year. Their friends Joe and Marla are getting married in the Bahamas and it seems as good a place as any to go. Even if shit were to hit the fan, what are the chances of a killer snowman turning up on a tropical island anyway? This, at least, was the plan. Unfortunately it turns out that killer snowmen can turn up on tropical islands. It would appear that Jack has had some time to consolidate his powers and can now withstand warmer climates. When dead bodies start appearing all over the island, however, the senile Colonel Hickering who runs the resort is quite happy to blame it all on shark attacks (even if the body is miles inland). Nobody seems willing to accept that a killer snowman is loose in the Bahamas.

It's SO cute! I want one!

It’s only when it suddenly starts snowing and people’s arms are being taken off by renegade snowballs that anyone starts to think that something strange is going on. Those who have encountered Jack before decide to use a tried-and-tested method of snowman catching: trap him in anti-freeze. Problem is that Jack can be hurt by the anti-freeze but it doesn’t completely liquidate him like it did before. He’s also throwing up snowballs everywhere he goes, and herein lies the best part of the movie. These aren’t regular snowballs. They’re eggs. And in these eggs are the most adorable baby snowmen with a cute demeanour and blood rage like you can’t imagine. So now the gang has to contend with Jack and hundreds of his little offspring who are seemingly indestructible. Sam’s also flown over the cuckoo’s nest since the anti-freeze didn’t work. How they learn to deal with Jack Frost 2.0 and his offspring is another wonder that you just have to watch to appreciate.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Jack was nimble, Jack was quick. Jack gauged people’s eyes out with candle sticks.
• Therapy sessions are private in that the secretary and anyone nearby can listen in over the intercom.
• Small cabins can function as international airports.
• The bodies of 3 brutally slayed victims are no indication of foul play.
• Nobody considers carrots lying on the ground to be genuine evidence of a killer on the loose.
• The world’s problems can be solved by throwing a themed party and getting everyone roaring drunk.
• Knowledge of the Discovery Channel turns women on.
• The best toy water guns are the ones that come equipped with laser targeting technology.

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Jack Frost

Year of Release: 1997
Genre:  Comedy / Fantasy / Horror
IMDB Rating: 4.2 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium

WHAT ITS ABOUT:

Since it’s Christmas tomorrow I thought I’d dig this little piece of winter blood-shed and dust it off. I remember watching this movie when I was much younger and actually being quite scared – proof that some childhood adventures are best left alone. Watching it again when I’m a little older and more used to CGI effects, there was still something warm and inviting about seeing the Creditsmas Tree as the movie opened. For those who haven’t seen one of these before, a Creditsmas Tree is just like a Christmas Tree, but instead of hanging tinsel and ornaments on it you hang the opening credits. I would also like to offer advanced warning for those who hasn’t seen this movie: the snowman in the movie looks nothing like the snowman on the cover. The actual snowman is just that, a snowman. Carrot for a nose, coal for eyes, twigs for eyebrows and spray-painted oven gloves for snow. And he’s evil, of course. But for all this movie is bad it is still entertaining because you can laugh at the sheer absurdity of this snowman rolling and melting his way through town on his killing spree.

One night, in the middle of a blizzard that puts this year’s snowfall in Europe and Britain to shame, federal police are transporting mass-murderer Jack Frost who is scheduled to be executed at midnight that evening. The route takes them through the town of Snomonton, the place where Jack was eventually apprehended by the local sheriff after eluding the police for five years and leaving a trail of 38 murder victims. Unfortunately, with visibility on the road being virtually non-existent, the transport drivers don’t notice the oncoming vehicle carrying a load of genetic-experiment grade acid and the two collide with one another. Jack manages to escape from the transport vehicle after the accident but lands up being in the line of fire when the truck containing the acid breaches, melting Jack on the spot.

In Snomonton itself Sheriff Sam Tiler is still fixated with Jack Frost and cannot forget the man’s threats to find a way to get back at the man who had him put away. These fears are compounded when members of this quiet little community begin to show up dead, and soon two members of the FBI come into town and order a curfew to be enforced. While the police and FBI bicker (and beat up one another and a few townsfolk) about how things should be done, we discover that the acid that melted Jack was actually a genetic experiment aimed and storing human DNA in inanimate objects so that, in the event of the apocalypse, we as a species could be resurrected later using this stored DNA. As usual this experiment doesn’t go exactly to plan and instead of just storing Jack’s DNA in the snow the acid has actually bonded the two, bringing Jack back to life in the form of a snowman (this is also the beginning of a LONG discussion about how the soul is real).

The people in charge of bringing the snowman to justice now fall into two groups: Sam, his friend Paul and kickass police secretary Marla who want to kill Jack and ‘FBI’ agents Manner and Stone, who are actually from the company that developed the acid, who are under orders to capture and contain Jack for further study. With the use of aerosols, hairdryers, lighters, salt and anti-freeze, it’s now up to this rag-tag team to stop the world’s most pissed off snow cone before he manages to get hold of Sam, his family and every horny teenager in the little town of Snomonton.

THINGS I’VE LEARNED:

• Snowmen are apparently the best medium to store human DNA in the event that the apocalypse happens.
• Despite being made of frozen water snowmen defy the laws of thermodynamics by being able to melt and refreeze at will.
• Snowmen are excellent drivers.
• You must ever question why pissed off looking snowmen suddenly appear on your front lawn and start talking to you.
• A bobsled won’t only decapitate you, but going from a stand-still it can make your head fly a good 200m.
• Despite not having legs, snowmen can run at remarkable speeds.
• When genetically altered snowmen melt themselves the coal and carrots attached to them melt and refreeze along with the main body of ice.
• Despite being able to melt themselves whenever they feel like it, evil snowmen get really pissed off if you hold a hairdryer up to them.