WHAT IT’S ABOUT:
As strange as this might sound, One-Eyed Monster isn’t the only killer penis movie I’ve seen. A while back I watched a little doozy of a film called Bad Biology, although that one took itself far more seriously than its subject matter warranted. Having seen these two movies I can’t quite decide if the world doesn’t have enough killer penis movies, or if these two mean that we have far too many. I also can’t quite decide whether this movie made me giggle or want to rip my brain out through my nose but, since I’m still here, I’m gonna go with the laughing thing. The main thing with watching this movie is, before you hit play, you’ve gotta understood what you’re in for and not expect anything earth-shattering. I’m feeling rather indifferent to this movie, but I could see it being a lot of fun in a group setting with pizza and beer. Do that and it should be fine.
It’s California, it’s the middle of a particularly nasty winter, and that can only mean one thing: porn stars are taking to the hills and toasty-warm cabins of the California mountains to perform a number of questionable sexual acts. The entourage is headed up by Ron Jeremy, who will provide continuity between yesteryear’s porn viewer and today’s more contemporary audience, and Veronica Hart, who’s here to coach the new girls on the various tricks of the trade. They feel a little bit out of their league, surrounded by 20-somethings that are more horse hung and who have perkier breasts (thankfully, not all in one person). But that’s the difference between these upstart amateurs of today and the porn stars of the 80s – they’re here to do a job and, no matter what the position, they’re not gonna quit until it gets done!
To begin with everything’s going absolutely perfectly. The team’s been completely snowed in by a blizzard, there’s no cellphone reception this high up the mountain and they’re only one of two houses on the whole range, but the sex looks like it might be promising so they’re not too fussed. Using skills that I wouldn’t have imagined existed Veronica has managed to convince the director to have her in the movie with Ron and the two get down to business. During a break in the shoot Ron decides that he needs to get some fresh air, where something decidedly strange happens. A shooting star comes out of left field, strikes Ron down, cuts his penis off and then possesses his dismembered member. Things are about to get strange…
With a mind of its own the penis goes on a rampage, trying to find any available orifice that may be used to help it reproduce. Sadly no one informed this alien race that, on Earth, only females produce offspring, much to the startled screams of some members of the male cast. A highly dysfunctional group of people, the cast is initially slow to react to the situation (granted, shouting things like “Angel has a cock down her throat!” probably doesn’t sound overly strange to anyone here). It’ll take their combined wits, an old Vietnam War veteran and a computer database of every female celebrity in the world hooked up to a simulated vagina to try and bring this abomination down. But will it be enough? And what if someone falls in love with the penis? Watch and be truly astounded.
LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:
- The Porn Revolution will not be televised.
- If you’ve only done 150 porn movies you’re still just a baby in the industry.
- Elderly mothers will kill their sons if they don’t give them all the details on the latest porn releases.
- Ron Jeremy’s talent is historic and ageless and should never be criticised.
- Porn actresses are really collegial and like to exchange tips on the tricks of the trade.
- With the correct kegal exercises a porn actress can rule the world.
- A tampon is very useful if you ever need to stop some internal hemorrhaging.
- It takes weeks of preparation for a porn star to remember her lines.
- Strangulation is an excellent persuasion technique.
- It’s so hard to find a porn star that’s also a perfect gentleman.
ONE-EYED MONSTER TRAILER
BUY ONE-EYED MONSTER AT AMAZON.COM
WHAT IT’S ABOUT:
As any horror fan knows a movie whose main ‘star’ is Paris Hilton is probably going to end up hurting you. Following on from this idea, any movie whose main ‘star’ is Paris Hilton and her character is the first to die is probably going to end up hurting you very badly. Nine Lives follows in the tradition of many slashers from the early 2000s where the cast is arranged in a triangle on the DVD cover in that it is largely predictable, the characters uninteresting and the execution boring. These are the reasons I watched it, of course, and why it has found itself a humble little corner on my shelf of movies that no regular person should ever have to watch.
Our tale of the League of Incredibly Average Generic 20-Somethings takes place in the middle of Scotland in the dead of winter. Average Tim is turning 21, and he’s decided to invite all of his average friends up to his stately Scottish manor to celebrate this key milestone in his life. These guys have been friends since their school days, and it isn’t hard to understand why; in addition to being equally vapid and uninteresting, the majority of them all look like alike. Understanding the group’s dynamics is much like playing a game of connect the dots: Tim was roommates with Pete, Pete dated Laura, Emma is Laura’s BFF, Lucy was Emma’s roommate, Jo is Lucy’s friend, Tom is dating Jo and Damien and Andy are just thrown in for good measure. This brings the membership tally of the League of Incredibly Average Generic 20-Somethings to 9 people. See how clever the movie’s title is now?
As luck would have it our group managed to get to Tim’s stately Scottish manor just in time: an enormous snow storm is about to roll in and it will probably knock out the already shaky cellphone reception. With the world outside becoming a blanket of white and all modes of escape cut off, our dear average friends sit down to an evening of light conversation, delicious meals and drinking the contents of an entire pub between them. As the evening wears on everyone but Tim and Tom go to bed and these two retire to the library. While browsing through the collection of books Tom somehow manages to blow a hole through the wall, revealing a secret book behind a wooden panel. The story it contains is horrific: back in 1746 during a Scottish uprising against the English a man named Murray owned this stately manor and he had his eyes ripped out of his head and fed to him for supporting the Scots. The book rewrites itself and says that Murray has returned to the home. Thinking nothing of the book that rewrites itself Tom and Tim carry on with their relaxing evening.
Now our resident ghost is going to take advantage of the fact that nobody would be scared of a spirit named Murray and starts taking the kids out one by one. It’s all a matter of pride really, since most of them are English. Tom is the first to become possessed, and he quickly dispenses with Jo. When Tom is killed, however, the haunting doesn’t stop. It turns out that Murray is a very clever little ghost, and he transfers himself to whoever killed his last host. This means that he can kill off as many of the group without being stopped. Also in his favour is the fact that these kids die very easily; one small stab wound in the shoulder and they’re down. Without Paris Hilton around to drag them down anymore the group must look to Laura for help since she quickly becomes an expert in the paranormal and seems to instinctively know how best to handle the situation and bring Murray’s reign of terror to an end.
LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:
- Too much exposure to the countryside can be dangerous.
- Manchester Scum is one of the lesser known Scottish clans.
- Road signs confuse blonde women more than they help them.
- Milking cows is not everyone’s idea of a good time.
- Some people suffer from a crippling phobia of stately manor houses.
- Parents warn their daughters about men who hide pairs of dice.
- Belief is a two-way street: even if you don’t believe in the ghost, the ghost might still believe in you.
- Women’s rights include the right to run off blindly, on your own, in a strange house, with a killer on the loose.
- How to help people stabbed by a ghost during a snow storm isn’t covered in the usual medical syllabus.
NINE LIVES TRAILER
BUY NINE LIVES AT AMAZON.COM