Year of Release: 2001
Genre: Thriller / Horror
IMDB Rating: 2.9 / 10
Level of Awful: High
WHAT IT’S ABOUT:
I like to think that I’m a kind person and, where possible, give a movie a break. This was too painful, however, and the only thing that saves it from having a rating of ‘Requires Post-Film Lobotomy’ is the fact that, although it was terrible, I was more bored than anything else. There is a vague attempt at a plot line and it does all try to come together and I give the director great credit for achieving at least that much. But for all it may get points for that this film contains some of the worst acting and horrible CGI effects I have ever seen (and I’ve seen Snakes on a Train). The movie itself is divided into four sections: the main arc features three teenagers trapped in the woods forced to sit around a campfire with a park ranger (who, judging by the way he speaks, is clearly a stroke victim with a bad attitude) listening to ‘scary’ stories, which make up the three other segments.
Story #1 starts in a mental institution where some ethically questionable doctors are conducting experiments on pain thresholds using the mental patients as guinea pigs. Now I don’t know who thought testing violent experiments on clinically violent and unstable people would be a good idea but needless to say one of the patients escapes, kills his doctor and goes on to become a grounds keeper at a local high school. Having been rendered a little slow in the brain department by the experiments he becomes the focus of taunts by four jocks (look out for Perez Hilton as one of them. Oh how I laughed…). When the jocks are stopped from beating the grounds keeper up they decide that the next best thing to do is kill him during their lunch break and, armed with hockey sticks, chase him into the woods. Of course this has BAD IDEA written all over it and soon the tables are turned as our insane grounds keeper begins to take out the jocks one by one and teach them a lesson in good manners.
Story #2 gives the audience the best lesson in saying no to drugs. Here we are given 3 fresh idiots to watch and they have apparently been going on a little murderous rampage across the good ol’ US of A. While in a little diner in the back and beyond they see an Indian come in for coffee and decide to murder him, which they promptly do after following him home. Now the Indian had been smoking something weed-like that had led him to have some terrible CGI hallucinations and the kids decide that they also need to smoke it. This leads them to have even worse CGI hallucinations. Somehow, in what is admittedly a very confused storyline, the Indian turns out to not be dead and ages the kids until they are about 80. The segment ends with them enjoying an early bird special.
The final segment brings us yet another crop of freshly farmed morons and by far the most confusing story in the movie. Here, again out in the back and beyond, we have four teenagers, 2 boys and 2 girls, who are looking to have a little fun. 1 couple are still virgins, 1 guy is a horny jock and the other girl is his ex-girlfriend (or just girlfriend, the movie switches between the two). Now the ex-girlfriend manages to convince the other girl to come up with a revenge plot (revenge for what exactly, or what they plan to do, is never really explained) for the two guys since virgin girl thinks someone is sneaking around outside. After teasing the boys with the promise of a lesbian strip show and a threesome or foursome the boys are blindfolded and told to find the girls with only their hands. Unfortunately for the group someone is indeed wandering around outside (and it’s not just the dumb deputy sheriff who crops up occasionally) and, one by one, the teenagers are taken out.
THINGS I’VE LEARNED:
- Killing sprees need to be planned around afternoon band practice.
- Schools don’t have teachers working in them.
- Football practice is best done in a grove of trees.
- Doctors always conduct experiments in the dark.
- Wolves howl like the pterodactyls in Jurassic Park.
- Killing an Indian sucks the life right out of you.
- Tequila shots now qualify as cocktails.
- You can drink tequila without taking the cap off the bottle.
- You can blast things onto the Internet.
- Revenge is a dish best served in a revealing miniskirt.