Shredder

Year of Release: 2003
Genre: Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 4.4 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium
Breast-O-Meter: 0.5 /5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

There’s a special place for many kinds of movies in my heart: cheesy disaster movies, disastrous monster movies, monstrous 80s horror movies, but there’s also something very special about the early-2000s slasher movie. The harsh makeup, the proliferation of pseudo-lesbionic characters, the jocks with the bleach blonde hair and ebony eyebrows, the strange overuse of animal print – it all makes for a delightful assault on the eyes. Shredder doesn’t disappoint on any of these criteria. It reminds me of another classic I reviewed, Do You Wanna Know A Secret, but on ice. With a soundtrack that would rival the best porno, a decent assortment of sluts and bitches, and such riveting dialogue as “What country are you from?” “Europe”, I would thoroughly recommend giving this a watch if you’re in the mood for a good laugh.

Thank God, I thought I was the only one who bought that hat.

The joys of being a 30-something college student with rich friends: you get to go to deserted ski resorts whenever the mood takes you. This is exactly what Kimberly Van Arx has in mind for the weekend – daddy wants to buy an old ski resort to further bolster the family’s already considerable assets, and she’s gonna go up and check the place out. She sells this to Cole, her boyfriend, as a romantic get away for the two of them, it’s just that two actually equates to seven people. But it’ll be fun! Plus, the more men that go along, the more chances Kimberly has of prancing around in the snow in a high-waisted, leopard print bikini, so it’s all for a greater good. Of course, none of these kids heed any of the traditional warning signs about going on such a holiday – things like all the locals in the bar creepily staring at them, the fact that the resort’s entrance has been bolted shut, and the fact that there’s a lot of brand new ski equipment in the lodge, with no owner around to be found.

I’ll be good! I’ll be good, I swear!

But all of these things are trivial when the main goal is to get blind drunk, high as a kite, and bang more people than a hooker on payday. For Kimberly, the main goal will be to land Christophe, a blonde gentleman of some vague European abstraction that they picked up along the way. Sure, he won’t tell anyone where he comes from, he becomes oddly uncomfortable when the police are around, and he seems to know this area very well, but surely that doesn’t mean he’s up to anything shady, right? Then, of course, there are also the legends surrounding this resort, the story of the young girl who was killed in a snowboarding accident, and now her wrathful, angry spirit roams the mountain seeking her skiing revenge on any snowboarder she finds. But of course, that’s just a myth…

Now take two of these, get plenty of rest, and you’ll be back on your feet in no time.

But if it’s just a myth why are so many people in this little group landing up dead? And not snowboarding accident dead, like murdered by the mysterious skier dressed all in black dead. And apart from him, there’s also some extra kinds of weird going on around here. Like the random skiing chick who likes to ski naked or have men’s hands down her parka while sitting on the ski lift. And there’s her crazy father who keeps screaming on about the dangers of snowboarding. And what’s with all the pamphlets about the proper use of the skiing slopes? To these kids, very little of it matters – there’s sex and some extreme snowboarding to be had, so by the time they actually wake up to the fact that there’s a problem they’re already up to their necks in it. Well, at least the ones that still have necks are. It’ll take all their combined, underwhelming abilities to make it off this mountain alright and, if they’re lucky, one member of the group might just be that right combination of hardcore and bi-curious to get them all to safety.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• When going on a ski vacation, it’s essential that you pack enough bikinis.
• Women peeing needs to be documented for future generations.
• Smart kids carry their own jaws of life with them wherever they go.
• European men speak only in innuendos.
• With enough ass waving and a spare pair of knickers any sheriff will be putty in your hands.
• It’s very dangerous for your blood/alcohol level to surpass 10.kajilion.
• The best way for a man to thank a woman for saving his life is to invite her to a bisexual threeway.

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Antfarm Dickhole Ft. Tropical Mary

Year of Release: 2011
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 1.7 / 10
Level of Awful: Requires Post-Film Lobotomy
Breast-O-Meter: 4 /5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

You know, in all the years I’ve known Tropical Mary, we’ve banded together for some ridiculous adventures. We’ve completed degrees together, we share a faux Italian garden with one another, we started Historically Inaccurate Movie Night together, and a whole bunch of other stuff that wouldn’t have made sense even if you were there to see it. THIS, however, takes the cake. On the advice of Mistylane from CinemaSchminema (seriously, go check out her stuff, it’s amazing) I got my greasy little mitts on this movie and assembled my elite squad of movie watchers (Tropical Mary, Stygian Mole and the Occult Specialist) and got ready to watch Antfarm Dickhole. Long story short, I’m not sure if the guys will ever speak to me again, and it took me and Tropical Mary both rapidly live tweeting to cover all the crap that was going on.

I know it isn’t an Historically Inaccurate Movie, but since the word ‘plot’ isn’t one I’d associate with this movie, I’m gonna present the highly troubled stream of consciousness that happened during our little screening, with names to indicate just who was traumatised at what point.

Far from being the oddest thing in this movie.

Tropical Mary: Thank you Michael Nastri and Bill Zebub for what we are about to watch.

James: Jerking off is about the ride, not the destination. Oh god, right out the gate…

James: The science of being a 40-year-old bully.

Tropical Mary: Confessions of a 40-year-old wedgie.

James: Pockets are not good cupcake holders.

James: There’s no way this is a woman. This is a 17-year-old boy with an epic nipple stand, and the highly visible vag does nothing to convince me otherwise.

Tropical Mary: Ooh, she has a piercing…

James: We now go live to our state-of-the-art ass crack cam.

Tropical Mary: Behold! 3D Internet strippers! With an artistic boob shot thrown in for good measure.

James: The only way this is happening is if it’s holographic porn.

James: We really need a Vag-O-Meter for this movie…

James: Ants = food = Mexican water = Moctezuma’s revenge. Did I get that right?

Tropical Mary: Suddenly, busting some moves in the park.

Tropical Mary: For all that’s going on, why are the adults referring to a penis as a ‘pee pee’?

James: Boondock bikini frolicking – the new Olympic sport.

James: Morning class, welcome to How To Get Raped In The Woods 101.

James: So, army ants migrating north are a sign of a weak US-Mexican border?

James: Evolution psychology VS creationist psychology, neither of which is a real thing.

James: OK, so if an ant burrows into me, technically I own it?

James: That’s just the great hemisphere of life I guess…

James: Who knew you could make a dildo out of playdough?

James: Who talks to the ant colony in their penis?

James: Oh my. I’ve never seen someone have sex with a car before…

James: This one’s serving up some cellulite realness for us now. Oh wait, she’s a neon pink bikini-bedecked scientist.

James: The face of evil is the face of an ant, apparently.

James: This movie really is all about equal opportunity body types.

James: The car wasn’t enough, now he’s having sex with some window blinds.

Tropical Mary: Sex with a car is healthy for the soul and so is sex with a window blind.

James: Trees are sacred to bio-terrorists? Who knew?

James: Human bones usually belong to a dead human. Some class A police work on that one.

James: Up penis scope!

James: Either that banana was meant to be carried by ants, or it was demonically possessed. Either way, that’s gotta hurt.

Tropical Mary: Insecticide is WRONG!!!

James: There really is no joy in watching an OCD stripper take her clothes off.

James: This chick’s right – we really should just photosynthesise our own food.

Tropical Mary: Human photosynthesis = Vitamin D production. Thank God for the diffusion filter ge-filter fish.

James: She’s in the forest with wedge-heeled clogs…

Tropical Mary: …and her boobs look like the face of a newt.

James: Antfarm Dickhole proudly brings you the body types of Chernobyl.

James: I feel like we’re crossing the line into hardcore porn at this point…

Tropical Mary: It’s not porn just yet…

James: How do you squeeze an entire ecosystem into a penis?

James: Time to pull one last anteater out of the bag…

James: Sexual chemistry = ant colony in penis, apparently.

James: Is that Warcraft II music playing in the background?

Tropical Mary: I must get this soundtrack.

James: She died doing jazz hands.

James: Have anteater, will travel.

Tropical Mary: It’s the Saturday Aardvark!

James: Foreskins provide natural lotion. What kind of lotion?

Tropical Mary: Everything’s fun when you soft science!

Tropical Mary: The Delusion? Maybe. God? Definitely not.

James: Good friends flush the toilet for one another.

James: This minor plot can only be true if he’s shitting out liquid metal.

Tropical Mary: Maybe he’s gonna weld something.

James: Alcohol makes a drinking problem that much worse.

Tropical Mary: I have an army in my pants (are they all 5 year olds?!)

Tropical Mary: He will NOT remark that with dignity. Sans dignity. No dignity was had that day.

James: There’s no 12 step plan for this movie. There wasn’t even a plan at its inception.

James: They have a lot of lurking law enforcers in these parts.

James: With friends like Freud who needs animus? This is what happens when 7 random Wikipedia articles are strung together to form a script.

James: Who labels a moonshine container?

James: Eggs don’t need to be fertilised in order for a baby to develop.

James: When all is said and done, this fool has a remarkably robust penis.

Tropical Mary: I see a winky cutting in his future.

James: 3rd nipple for the win!

James: Telekimasturbating is a real art.

Tropical Mary: It can always get worse – more porn!

James: I feel like only an OB/GYN should see this girl like I’m seeing her now.

James: Spider rape – it can happen to you.

Tropical Mary: At least the spider’s whispering sweet nothings in French to her.

James: Bullies function with a hive mentality.

James: Manspider? REALLY?!?

THE END

So yeah, if you can make any sense out of all of that I take my hat off to you. In the wise words of Mistylane, “It’s like a bunch of 12 year olds, high on pixie sticks, got together to make an adult film.” That sums it up really well. There is no understanding of the insect world, film making, adult situations, sex, decent boobs, what a penis looks like or the difference between being attacked by an anteater and getting a so-so blowjob to be found anywhere in this movie. Truly, this is only for the most hardened z-movie goer, and preferably only if you feel you have nothing to lose.

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One-Eyed Monster

Year of Release: 2008
Genre: Sci-Fi / Comedy / Horror
IMDB Rating: 4.2 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium
Breast-O-Meter: 1 /5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

As strange as this might sound, One-Eyed Monster isn’t the only killer penis movie I’ve seen. A while back I watched a little doozy of a film called Bad Biology, although that one took itself far more seriously than its subject matter warranted. Having seen these two movies I can’t quite decide if the world doesn’t have enough killer penis movies, or if these two mean that we have far too many. I also can’t quite decide whether this movie made me giggle or want to rip my brain out through my nose but, since I’m still here, I’m gonna go with the laughing thing. The main thing with watching this movie is, before you hit play, you’ve gotta understood what you’re in for and not expect anything earth-shattering. I’m feeling rather indifferent to this movie, but I could see it being a lot of fun in a group setting with pizza and beer. Do that and it should be fine.

Soon to graduate from Lady Biggerboobs’ School for the Pornographically Gifted.

It’s California, it’s the middle of a particularly nasty winter, and that can only mean one thing: porn stars are taking to the hills and toasty-warm cabins of the California mountains to perform a number of questionable sexual acts. The entourage is headed up by Ron Jeremy, who will provide continuity between yesteryear’s porn viewer and today’s more contemporary audience, and Veronica Hart, who’s here to coach the new girls on the various tricks of the trade. They feel a little bit out of their league, surrounded by 20-somethings that are more horse hung and who have perkier breasts (thankfully, not all in one person). But that’s the difference between these upstart amateurs of today and the porn stars of the 80s – they’re here to do a job and, no matter what the position, they’re not gonna quit until it gets done!

Getting down to serious work.

To begin with everything’s going absolutely perfectly. The team’s been completely snowed in by a blizzard, there’s no cellphone reception this high up the mountain and they’re only one of two houses on the whole range, but the sex looks like it might be promising so they’re not too fussed. Using skills that I wouldn’t have imagined existed Veronica has managed to convince the director to have her in the movie with Ron and the two get down to business. During a break in the shoot Ron decides that he needs to get some fresh air, where something decidedly strange happens. A shooting star comes out of left field, strikes Ron down, cuts his penis off and then possesses his dismembered member. Things are about to get strange…

The lesser spotted boy-next-door porn star.

With a mind of its own the penis goes on a rampage, trying to find any available orifice that may be used to help it reproduce. Sadly no one informed this alien race that, on Earth, only females produce offspring, much to the startled screams of some members of the male cast. A highly dysfunctional group of people, the cast is initially slow to react to the situation (granted, shouting things like “Angel has a cock down her throat!” probably doesn’t sound overly strange to anyone here). It’ll take their combined wits, an old Vietnam War veteran and a computer database of every female celebrity in the world hooked up to a simulated vagina to try and bring this abomination down. But will it be enough? And what if someone falls in love with the penis? Watch and be truly astounded.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• The Porn Revolution will not be televised.
• If you’ve only done 150 porn movies you’re still just a baby in the industry.
• Elderly mothers will kill their sons if they don’t give them all the details on the latest porn releases.
• Ron Jeremy’s talent is historic and ageless and should never be criticised.
• Porn actresses are really collegial and like to exchange tips on the tricks of the trade.
• With the correct kegal exercises a porn actress can rule the world.
• A tampon is very useful if you ever need to stop some internal hemorrhaging.
• It takes weeks of preparation for a porn star to remember her lines.
• Strangulation is an excellent persuasion technique.
• It’s so hard to find a porn star that’s also a perfect gentleman.

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Vampire Whores From Outer Space Ft. Tropical Mary

Year of Release: 2005
Genre: Comedy / Horror
IMDB Rating: 2.9 / 10
Level of Awful: Requires Post-Film Lobotomy
Breast-O-Meter: 0/5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Well, um, uh, the thing is you see… Actually, I have no idea. I guess when the movie’s title is Vampire Whores From Space, that’s kind of the whole point. I rounded up the entire Movie Marathon crew for this and for the next 75 minutes we all huddled in Tropical Mary‘s lounge staring at the TV in an alternating state of confusion, disgust, shock and disbelief. Clearly made with a handheld video camera by 4 or 5 friends (and let’s not forget the original music by Pinky Gutterwhore), this film was utterly atrocious. I’m not sure what I was expecting but I’m still a little fragile after watching it. It’s also the first movie I’ve ever reviewed where I don’t have any Life’s Lessons Learned because, to be quite honest, I didn’t have the foggiest clue what was going on at any stage of the movie. Read on and you’ll see why.

The dangers of mixing high-powered alien technology and excessive lube.

This unrelenting pile of crap begins with a news report (filmed with a white sheet as the backdrop) where a field reporter is out investigating the claims of a redneck something or other that the fields are alive with the sound of intergalactic vampire whores. Said redneck something or other and a friend of his may very well in fact have discussed this with the reporter but, since the guy in charge of handling the mic just couldn’t be bothered to move two feet forward, we’re just never going to know. Despite the fact that the redneck has already seen the vampire whores (or maybe this is a flashback, I’m not sure) we suddenly are given a glimpse of Dracula’s mistress’s ship crashing into a forest. My bet is that it took 99.9% of the film’s budget to get someone to animate the ship for the 30 seconds it’s on the screen. Surviving the horrendous crash a posse of the ugliest whores you’ve ever seen emerges from the wreckage and, armed only with their fangs and the word ‘suck’, they’re ready to drain the blood of every single person in town (which you never see).

The first date is always the most awkward.

After the crash landing we are violently thrown into an intense scene where a man with the IQ of a hotdog bun decides to take his dog for a walk to investigate the strange thing that just fell out of the sky. You know something’s not quite right with him since he’s shouting to parents that clearly aren’t there and he’s never able to keep his dog on him for more than 3 seconds but, since he’s apparently the male lead in all of this, we’re gonna follow him anyway. Whilst out walking he bumps into some female whose hair is so greasy she could stock entire oil refineries with what’s coming off it. Immediately there’s some strange kind of bond formed between the two that I’m guessing was meant to be sexual magnetism but is really more like watching two five-year-olds fight over who baked the better mud pie. They’re attacked (and I use this word in its loosest sense) by the vampire whores but make a daring get away back home where they try to figure out how to stop the marauding and sexually promiscuous aliens.

Seems legit.

Things weren’t good up until this point, but then the movie took a sudden and horrifying turn for the worse. Ignoring the vampire whores for the greater part of the movie we are introduced to the chief of police (who looks like he’s 12) out in the forest digging up a dead body. Chances are being the chief of police would help you cover up this crime if only you didn’t stop whenever you saw another human being along the road, get out of the car, and tell them what it is you’re doing. Hot Dog Brain at one point gets his Grease Monkey pregnant and performs a back alley abortion and she spews out a very small pig (no really, it’s actually a pig). Grease Monkey develops some kind of oozing rash on her ass (which we’re told tastes funny), but whether or not she ever overcomes this particular obstacle remains a mystery. The FBI become involved in the investigation and then die at the hands (or fangs) of the vampire whores. The vampire whores’ pimp rocks up and challenges everyone to a dance off to see which species will become the all-powerful overlords of the known universe. The dance scene that follows presents us with absolute proof that the human species has no right to be at the top of the food chain. Some more stuff happens, and then it ends.

With all this insanity in mind I’d also like to point out that for the greater part of the movie the film crew is highly visible and I’m fairly sure that some of the scenes were recorded on something similar to a Blackberry’s camera. I have no words.

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Piranha 3DD Ft. Tropical Mary

Year of Release: 2012
Genre: Comedy / Horror
IMDB Rating: 4.4 / 10
Level of Awful: Requires Post-Film Lobotomy
Breast-O-Meter: Off the charts

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Let me start off this review by stating the obvious: aaaaaaaahhhhh!!!!! I’m a great fan of the Piranha movies. I liked them when they were eating people in the 70s, I liked them when they learned to fly in the 80s, and I even thought that Piranha 3D was a lot of fun. This was not fun. Not even having Tropical Mary to watch it with me could undo the damage that this movie inflicts on a person. Made to cater to the absolute lowest common denominator, Piranha 3DD takes all the things that should make it fun (boobs, a water park and thousands of ferocious man-eating fish) and somehow manages to make it both horribly painful and tremendously boring to watch. If you’re a really randy 14-year-old boy who hasn’t quite figured out how internet porn works yet, then this is probably the movie for you. Anyone else, steer the hell away from this one.

It’s an underwater Christmas Tree decoration farm.

A whole year has passed since the tragic events at Lake Victoria. The lake has had every conceivable poison dumped into it to eradicate its piranha population and the whole area has been declared a disaster zone. Captain Obvious’ wife does a little voice over work as a news caster reporting on the incident, asking the audience that if this tragedy could happen here, could it happen somewhere else? It’s as though God himself heard this question and, to spite us little mortals, takes us to another lake where two farmers are trying to drag the corpse of a cow out of the water. The corpse is littered with piranha eggs falling out of every possible orifice and these are released when the farmers accidentally blow up the corpse. After a quick snack on the farmers the piranhas begin their journey to discover a new source of food.

Taking the concept of getting down on your knees for Jesus to a whole other level.

Spending time watching farmers and dead cows, of course, leaves us dangerously without gratuitous shots of naked females, something that this movie simply will not stand for, so we are now taken to a water park called Big Wet. Big Wet is owned by a man named Chet who plans to fill the park with water certified strippers and a gated-off adult swimming pool mainly aimed at those wanting to participate in a quick orgy. Maddy, Chet’s stepdaughter, isn’t overly taken by this idea, but she’s not the majority shareholder in the park so she just has to shut the hell up. When two of her friends mysteriously disappear and she herself is attacked by a group of piranhas in a nearby lake she takes it upon herself to find out what the chances of them rocking up at the water park are. We’re told something about sulphur dioxide in the lakes and the chlorine in the pools and suddenly it’s obvious where the fish will be heading next.

This speaks for itself.

Of course the chlorine in the pool is the least of their worries when it becomes apparent that Chet has discovered a better way to fill the pools in the park. Why pay for water when you can drain an underground lake? Maddy points out the obvious piranha problem that these underground lakes have, for which she is forcibly dragged away by her policeman ex-boyfriend who’s been taking bribes from Chet. After some poor homages to A Nightmare on Elm Street and Planet Terror, as well as a piranha eating a man’s penis, the park is suddenly inundated with these little fuckers. David Hasselhoff proves to be of little use in fighting the fish off, and the only thing that temporarily slows the little buggers down are the drains in the pool (which appear to be more powerful than the vacuum in outer space). By this point it all becomes such a confusing mess you couldn’t give two shits who makes it and who doesn’t; you’re just so busy praying to the heavens above that the end credits will roll soon.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Confession before fornication is a sign of a good Christian lady.
• Being a 49% shareholder in anything means you should sleep in a prison cell.
• ‘Fade to lake’ is never going to take off as an effective way to move between scenes.
• You really don’t want to know the things a young man can do with a water pump.
• A woman’s vagina is a perfect incubator for fish eggs.
• You deserve a Darwin Award if you can’t get out of a paddling pool.

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