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S.N.U.B!

SNUB

Year of Release: 2010
Genre: Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 3.1 / 10
Level of Awful: High
Breast-O-Meter: 0.5 /5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

I know I say this quite often when I start off my reviews, but I feel that this movie warrants me saying it again: running this blog has forced me to come into contact with some very strange films, but S.N.U.B! takes the really bizarre biscuit. And before you think I might be overreacting, I would like you to consider what I believe to be the train of thought that went into making it: take people who look like, act like, and have the social sophistication of the cast of The Only Way Is Essex, tell them to do their best impersonation of the cast from Downton Abbey, and then put them in a situation that is more than just a little reminiscent of the plot from James Herbert’s Domain (minus the giant mutated rats). This, essentially, is what you will be dedicating the next 85 minutes of your life to should you decide to watch this movie. Now, that isn’t to say that it isn’t worth watching just to see how it all pans out, but I do like people to be prepared before they go walking off blindly into something.

Compact atomic bombs - for the nuclear terrorist on the go.

Compact atomic bombs – for the nuclear terrorist on the go.

We begin our misdirected adventure by following a group of soldiers out on an anti-terrorism assignment who are being hotly pursued by an under-prepared orchestra. The government has received word that someone might have planted a 20-megaton nuclear bomb somewhere in down town London (because it’s dead easy to just carry one of those around on you), and these highly untrained men are going to do their best to save the population, should the threat prove to be real. It turns out the threat is real, and the soldiers discover the bomb hidden inside a tiny metal briefcase. They bring in their most panicky and shaky member of staff to try and diffuse the bomb, but he’s never come across something like this before (again, because people don’t usually just leave nuclear weapons lying around, I imagine training with them is a little bit tricky), so he cuts the wrong wire. KABOOM!!! There goes London, all in one giant mushroom cloud.

Oops!

Oops!

Thankfully, while the British government doesn’t appear to have trained soldiers, an emergency plan, or an evacuation plan, they do happen to have a terribly unprepared Secret Underground Nuclear Bunker. All of the equipment in there is still from the Cold War so, while it isn’t tremendously helpful in keeping people alive, I imagine it would appeal to all of the hipster survivors who managed to make it inside. Having managed to get all of 7 people inside when the bomb went off (one of which is a minor government functionary who immediately tries to take control of the situation), these survivors band together with the three soldiers,  the one communications director, and the one maintenance man who were already inside and try to figure out how they are going to weather this particular hell storm.

Shoot the director before he can make more movies!

Shoot the director before he can make more movies!

Oh yeah – the other problem with the bunker? It didn’t really come with a maintenance plan, so the life support machinery is REALLY old and gets clogged at the first sign of a human corpse falling into it. So there’s the problem of not being able to breathe when the 11 survivors use up all the oxygen in the labyrinthine bunker in a matter of hours (how heavily are they breathing?). Then there’s the issue of hierarchy, which really teaches us that, in the event of nuclear war, paper pushers with God complexes should be the first to be thrown into the mushroom cloud. Yet another issue is the prison right near by which housed Britain’s most dangerous criminals. They’ve escaped the prison thanks to the blast and have suffered from some minor instantaneous mutations and are now trying to push their way into the bunker through its many, many unsealed openings. But not to worry, if all of this becomes too tense for you to watch, it’s intermittently broken by scenes of two of the survivors indulging in flirtation that’s as subtle as being slapped through the face with a wet trout.

If all of this doesn’t convince you to watch it, then I don’t know what will 🙂

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • Americans do like their underground bunkers to be up to date with the latest trends in home décor.
  • The British Ministry of Defence never thinks to take steps to out-manoeuvre people with laminated pieces of paper getting past security check points.
  • Underground government facilities are no place for children or goldfish.
  • The easiest way to control the rodent population in an underground bunker is with a military-issued machine gun.
  • Bureaucracy dictates that if bunker survivor quotas are surpassed, excess survivors must be jettisoned into the radioactive wasteland.
  • Despite spending so much time on their backs, sluts still need plenty of rest.
  • During times of crisis it is incredibly important to revert to Victorian-style gender differences.
  • If you pedal a bike fast enough you can easily out-ride radiation poisoning.
  • There’s absolutely no security risk in letting the country’s most dangerous criminals help set up top-secret underground government facilities.
  • Government focus groups indicate that children make excellent decoys when mutated prisoners are invading your underground bunker.

S.N.U.B! TRAILER

BUY S.N.U.B! AT AMAZON.COM

Aliens VS Avatars

Year of Release: 2011
Genre: Sci-Fi / Horror
IMDB Rating: 1.7 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium
Breast-O-Meter: 1 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Just thinking about this movie again makes me giggle. It was either a very entertaining hour and a half or the worst thing I’ve ever seen, I can’t quite decide. The best way to imagine this movie, I feel, is that had it been made in the 1950s it would have probably been an incredible creature feature. That may be what gives it a little bit of its charm. It has absolutely everything you could want from a b-movie: Aliens with Predator-like cloaking abilities, reverse Avatars, special effects that are right up there with the likes of Birdemic and a very 80s Casio soundtrack. All these wonderful things, wrapped up in a cacoon of blue candyfloss. Definitely not for the inexperienced b-movie viewer, but I’d give it a recommend to the more seasoned amongst us; if nothing else it’s one hell of an experience. It’s also the only movie I’ve watched during End of the World Month to score anything on the Breast-O-Meter.

Finally, a spaceship that runs entirely on old Atari hardware.

Earth is under siege! Unbeknownst to all of us our forests are slowly being invaded by an alien race known as the Scythe (that’s Scythe with a hard ‘c’). Thankfully a strange race of pink-haired blue people are flying around the universe doing their utmost best to protect all the other little species out there. Earth falls within Ava’s sphere of protection, but unfortunately the robot she tried to send down that usually takes care of the hard ‘c’ed Scythe has malfunctioned. The lesson in all this? Never send a robot in to do a knock off James Cameron extraterrestrial’s job. The reason the robots are sent in is because they are designed to see through the Scythe’s cloaking abilities rather than Ava having to fumble around with her arms out in front of her. What ever will she do now?

Irrefutable proof that alien life is far from sexy.

We’ll get to that in a minute, because before the Earth can be invaded and we as the audience can take it all seriously there needs to be a group of people in danger that Ava has to save. Enter our team of stereotypes: Jock, Jock’s Friend with Benefits, Rebel Girl, Nerdy Virgin Guy, Nerdy Asian Girl and Slut. This lot’ve been friends since they were knee-high to a grasshopper and are heading out to a camping spot that they’ve been going to since high school. OK, nobody’s really friends with Slut, but Jock’s hoping that she can pop Nerdy Virgin Guy’s cherry. It’s understandable why nobody really likes her: while not only a bitch she is entirely impractical and thinks that wearing a pair of hooker heals is perfectly alright for taking a hike through the woods. With the Scythe nearby and looking for blood, of course, poor choice in footwear will soon be the least of the group’s problems.

You just know there’s a Power Ranger steering this thing.

So, with a malfunctioning robot and an alien on the loose, Ava must come down to Earth and save us all from the horror. Being an alien and unable to breathe in  Earth’s atmosphere Ava will actually stay in her ship and send down a human avatar imbued with her life force to do the job. When she meets up with the group of hikers they’re a little bit wary of the leather-clad female with Ke$ha-like autotune for a voice but after a little story and nearly killing one of them they’re all ready to jump on board and do their bit to save the world. They need to find where the Robotar’s (the robot that’s going to protect the world) pod landed so that they can go and fix it. Trust will become an issue since the Scythe can shape shift into anyone whose DNA it has come into contact with and there’s the small issue of humanity being a hopelessly technologically backwards species. Can the group come together to power up the machine and save the world or is Earth doomed to becoming a plastic alien’s new breeding ground?

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • Giant explosions and fire balls in the sky are no cause for alarm.
  • Women hike up to cabins just so they can complain that they want to go home.
  • Some girls will sleep with a homeless guy just to make him feel better.
  • Stilettos make less than desirable hiking boots.
  • Sluts make superb bear hunters.
  • Just because everyone else goes off to save someone doesn’t mean you can’t scarf down breakfast.
  • Earthlings are highly insulted when they’re told that English is one of the simplest languages in the universe.
  • It’s mankind’s fault that the Earth and the solar system only have one sun.

ALIENS VS AVATARS TRAILER

Dead Boyz Don’t Scream

Year of Release: 2006
Genre: Horror / Comedy
IMDB Rating: 3.9 / 10
Level of Awful: High

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Here at the B-Horror Blog I’m a firm believer in equal rights for all. What struck me, however, was that while I was updating the Crypt I began to think that this blog was falling short of this fundamental principal: movies here have focussed on the presence of breasts and female nudity to such an extent (see here, here, here, here, here, here and here)  that I began to worry that I was perpetuating the belief that it’s alright to objectify women. Now I had two options to try and rectify this situation: I could either find a movie where a team of super-attractive women (a doctor, a lawyer, a brain surgeon and a social worker) work together to solve murders without any of them getting killed. Finding such a movie would have been an impossible task so I decided to go with option two: find a movie that objectifies men to such an extent that it balances everything else out in one go. And I think I’ve succeeded! Dead Boyz Don’t Scream (‘boyz’? cuz these pimps are gangsta like that…) is a delightful softcore homoerotic porno in a horror movie’s veil. I’m incredibly happy that this movie balances out my previous female objectifications, because I’m not sure if I could handle this much penis in one go again any time soon…

So here we have some of the plot...

So, the movie. It’s not much of a movie to be honest. It’s delightfully trashy in it’s execution. The basic story starts with Tess, an agent for a select threesome of straight and overly studly (seriously, who goes to gym that much?!?) male models. I’m sure they had names but they escape me. It’s really not that important anyway. The main model that seems to protect the 2 and a half brain cells that the guys share has a friend coming into town and good lord is she slutty! 2 drinks later and she decides to go home with two of the three models (her friend doesn’t seem interested) and a photographer the guys know. When the foursome gets a little out of hand and the chick decides to call it a night the photographer lands up being thrown over the balcony railing into evening traffic by an unknown intruder. To punish the models for misbehaving and getting a good photographer killed Tessa sends them away to a ranch with no cellphone signal to work on a naked cowboy photo shoot until interest in the sex scandal dies down a little.

This is a major plot point right here...

So now we’re at a ranch somewhere in the mountains with no cellphone reception (why does nobody think that this has ‘bad idea’ written all over it?). Our three main guys are joined by The Poodles, supposedly the absolute must-haves in the male modelling world. The Poodles must be gay given their title, as well as a couple of some sort given that they seem to like feeling one another up. They are completely vapid and genuinely do seem to share a single brain cell with one another given that they say the same word (just one) at the same time and don’t seem to recognise a world outside of their iPod. What I found disturbing in this is the fact that they also seem to be brothers – they look alike, they speak alike and they are referred to as having the same parents. I’m not sure which subset of people this relationship is aimed at but the incestuous vibe was just creepy (which in turn makes it the only scary thing in this entire movie 🙂 ).

And, finally, the last important piece of the storyline.

Right, so now we have three studly straight men and two studly incestuous brothers running around this ranch with no clothing on (full frontals everywhere and quite long-lasting) being photographed. The problem comes in when main straight guy (I wanna say Christian – could be the name) gets angry at Tessa for bringing along her lesbian lover Belle van Dyke (I shit you not). It would appear that, back in the day, Christian (?) and Tessa had a thing and his ego can’t take the fact that she’s now into girls. He stalks into the night after beating up his one friend a little and things start to go awry for the group. A killer is stalking the ranch and bumping off our muscled crew one by one (not very convincingly, but doing it none the less). It now falls to our resourceful lesbians to find everyone, try and stop them from bickering with one another and somehow get everyone down off the mountain before they all land up dead and naked.

Who the killer is won’t surprise anyone, although the reasons behind it are a little out of the ordinary. This is by no means a traditional horror movie but rather a use of the horror genre to justify having 7 men running around naked (in the cold by the looks of things) for just under 80 minutes. That said, I feel I have now done my bit in furthering the cause of equal opportunity objectification 😀

No acting skills. No pants. No shame.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • Softcore porn = art
  • You should only avoid fully nude photographs of yourself when you’re starting your career, not once you’re an established model.
  • Douche lords are remarkably protective of their slutty friends when she’s about to have a gangbang with his equally douchey friends.
  • Wearing nothing but cowboy boots and a hat and hanging on one another is a great form of male bonding.
  • Straight men in nothing but their underwear are very whiny in each other’s company.
  • An agent’s worst nightmare is having male models running around in the woods with horny bears.
  • Hit hooter once for noise, twice to stop.

DEAD BOYS DON’T SCREAM TRAILER

Doll Graveyard

Year of Release: 2005
Genre:  Horror
IMDB Rating: 4 / 10
Level of Awful: High

WHAT ITS ABOUT:

A little bit like Blood Dolls but only worse, director Charles Band has managed once again to rehash a concept that was better left untouched after they got it right with Puppet Master. To be fair, the movie probably could have been saved if it was about 20 minutes longer (the entire movie clocks in at 71 minutes), had better actors, a higher budget, better locations, a different script and a different plot line. The acting especially left me cold on this one; the characters are SO bad and irritating that you land up being cheerleaders for the dolls just so that you have one less irritating college cliché to deal with. The tagline may be ‘Reborn for Revenge’, but looking at the acting in this piece of cheese, I vote that it should be changed to ‘Reborn to do us all a favour’.

We start our magical little tale of pint-sized murder in Chicago, 1911. Little Sophia sits on the floor playing with her handmade dolls before accidentally breaking an antique vase. Her bat-eared abusive father hears the vase break and comes downstairs to investigate. After threatening to beat her he decides that the only punishment that will fit this crime is to force Sophia to dig a grave deeper than she is tall and bury the dolls. Once she has finished the task and begins to climb out she loses her footing and falls back into the grave, breaking her neck. Her father, presumably not wanting to be caught for murder, buries her alongside the dolls, where the 5 of them enjoy delightful afterlife tea parties until they can be set loose on the world.

Unfortunately the movie decides to skip ahead 94 years so we can see what happens when the dolls come to life. In 2005 the property is now inhabited by dad Lester, older daughter Deedee and young son Guy. Guy’s your typical b-movie geek who likes to sit in his room, collect mint-condition action figures and hide Hustler magazines under his bed. To add to his collection of collectible collectibles, he stumbles across one of Sophia’s dolls while out raking the yard and decides to bring it inside to be cleaned. Meanwhile Lester is preparing to go on a date and Deedee is planning on having some friends over. Deedee and her two girlfriends Olivia and Terri make up the time-honoured b-movie female trio: Deedee is the bitch, Olivia is the blonde slut and Terri is the embodiment of virginal innocence. Added to this mixture are the two usual jocks: Jock # 1 (Rich) is the misogynistic, beer-drinking, sleep-with-anything-that-moves kinda guy, while Jock # 2 (Tom) is the more sensitive and sensible kinda guy, as well as Deedee’s boyfriend.

Unfortunately for our group of friends Jocks #1 & #2 decide to tie Guy up when they crash the girl’s party, unleashing Sophia and her dolls’ fury who then go after everyone in the group in order to defend Guy against being hurt in the same way that Sophia was. The group of dolls is made up of a tribal warrior, a samurai, a baby girl in desperate need of a dentist’s appointment and a German soldier who together lead the audience through surprisingly few murders, completely stupid antics and the spirit of a little girl who only wants to possess the body of a little boy and live for all eternity while commanding her army of 4 brutish little dolls.

THINGS I’VE LEARNED:

  • A girls’ night out actually involves staying home.
  • You should only phone 911 as an absolute last resort.
  • 911 doesn’t take you seriously if you tell them you’re being attacked by dolls.
  • Dolls and children should always be buried separately or else the dolls will become possessed.
  • Despite being made of plastic, dolls drool a lot.
  • The sounds of screaming don’t carry in a medium-sized house. AT ALL.
  • Once you have hit a doll that has attacked you, the best plan is to sit down and wait for it to scurry away.
  • Not wanting to sleep with 814 men makes you close-minded.
  • When a doll is about to shoot you, it would be very considerate if you could stand up straight to give it the best possible shot.
  • Never run out of the house when you know the killers are in the same room as you.
  • When a killer doll is staring you in the face, compliment him on his physique.
  • Despite the fact that the dolls only come up to your ankles, don’t try to kick them out of your way to make your escape. Rather stand in a group and wait for them to just take you out.
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