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Piranha 3D

Year of Release: 2010
Genre: Horror / Comedy
IMDB Rating: 6 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Better late than never! I had every intention of going to see this movie when it came out last year but for some reason just never got round to it. It’s a bit of a pity because the 3D would’ve added an extra little touch to this bloody boob fest. I remember watching the original Roger Corman version and its sequel many years ago and really enjoyed them, and since remakes / reinterpretations have not filled me with hope recently (Halloween, A Nightmare on Elm Street), I was a little sceptical going into this. It’s by no means a good movie; in fact it’s absolute trash. But it’s trash in the best way: there are boobs everywhere, completely over-the-top gore, two guest starring porn stars and an ensemble cast of people you vaguely recognise.

It's tragic when incontinence sets in at such an early age...

Our story takes place at Lake Victoria, Arizona during spring break. Off in the distance, away from the frolicking college co-eds, a local fisherman is enjoying a relaxing day of sunshine and a dozen beers. Today’s clearly not his lucky day because, just when he manages to land a fish, he spills his beer overboard. When the beer hits the bottom of the lake the sheer force of it seems to create an earthquake that splits the lake’s floor wide open (it may be coincidence that the two things happened at the same time, but I’m not entirely sure). This rift creates a whirlpool that begins sucking everything into it, including the fishing boat and about 100 lawn chairs that somehow found their way to the bottom of the lake. Unfortunately, in addition to sucking things in, the rift also lets something out: thousands upon thousands of hungry, nasty, angry piranhas. Having been trapped in a subterranean lake for however long these little fishies are hungry for some new food, and they make short work of the fisherman before beginning to spread out towards the party goers.

Tell me to 'just keep swimming' one more time and you're gonna get it!

In amongst the crowd of slutty females and drunken jocks (the youth of today, I tell you…) the important people are as follows: Sheriff Julie, her eldest son Jake, her younger kids Laura and Zane, Girls Gone Wild-esque film maker Derrick, Jake’s crush Kelly and Derrick’s main ‘actresses’ Danni and Crystal. Derrick has made Jake an offer he can’t refuse: he needs a local to show him all the hot spots in town where he can film girls at their most uninhibited and, in return, Jake can watch the girls at their most uninhibited. To cramp his style somewhat his mother has asked him to babysit his brother and sister while she tries to keep the college kids in order and find out why they’ve only managed to find half of the missing fisherman. As any red-blooded 17-year-old would do Jake agrees, bribes his siblings to stay home and takes off with Derrick, Crystal and Danni. As any unsupervised child would do Laura and Zane take the money, ignore instructions and take off onto the lake in their canoe. Their plan doesn’t pan out when they don’t tie it up properly and become stranded on an island, all blissfully unaware of the man-eating fish swimming through the lake.

♫ My heart will go OOOOOOOOOONNNNNNN! ♫

After a group of seismologists, sent in to investigate the subterranean lake beneath Lake Victoria, are eaten Sheriff Julie manages to capture one fish and take it to a friend of hers who specialises in studying piranhas (apparently). He concludes that these piranhas are meant to be extinct and must have survived under the lake for over 2 million years by cannibalising one another (surely this would shrink the gene pool considerably, but anyway). When Julie tries to evacuate the lake nobody takes much notice of her or her colleagues and, instead, start diving into the lake. Sadly this is roughly when the fish decide to turn up for lunch and what follows is the most spectacular, gory, disgustingly enjoyable scene of mass panic that includes a woman being scalped when her hair gets caught in a boat’s engine blades, a stage falling into the water and another girl breaking in two as she is carried out of the water. In amongst all this Julie must try and save Jake, Laura and Zane from a smutty, smutty boat while trying to avoid being eaten herself and attempt to rid her lake of these little beasts before tourism and property values begin to plummet.

It’s hardly faithful to the original, the piranhas are actually secondary to the breasts on display and I don’t recommend watching this after a bolognaise dinner, but it’s trashy watching at its absolute best.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • When scared of being eaten alive people just break apart.
  • Economic considerations should be weighed against the possibility of tourists being eaten alive by fish.
  • Being the sheriff’s son means that smutty directors will always do your bidding.
  • Piranha eggs glow in the dark.
  • Science has proven that when women skinny dip together, operatic music will begin echoing from the depths.
  • Breasts moving at high speeds underwater contort in the most amazing ways imaginable.

PIRANHA 3D TRAILER


The Children

Year of Release: 2008
Genre: Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 6.2 / 10
Level of Awful: Surprise! – Low

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

I’ve known it for a long time and two other movies have proven it: children are evil little f*ckers and should be avoided at all costs. The Children, perhaps not so surprisingly, has done nothing to rid me of this view and, on the whole, the movie was a good 80 minute distraction. Playing nicely on the evil child theme, it examines exactly what happens when adults have to choose between protecting themselves (and their other children) and following their parental instincts. What I did find, however, is that none of the parents in the movie are at all likeable and there is a definite smell of sleaze in the air with most of them. I think this is what put me off a little: the children are genuinely creepy but their parents grated against my nerves so much at times that I couldn’t decide who I was backing.

The new Tickle Me Bloody Rampage Doll. Knife set sold separately.

It’s a story as old as time itself: yuppie big-city parents Elaine and Jonah come to visit rural buddhist relatives Robbie and Chloe for Christmas and New Year’s to catch up on what’s happened throughout the year and so that the children can learn to bond as cousins should. And then there’s Casey, the rebellious teenager who Elaine had her when she herself was a teenager, who has no desire to bond with her young cousins and sibling at all. The assembled company gathers together for drinks and snacks and conversations that should never be held in front of young children, but something other than the conversation is a little off. Little Nicky, Elaine’s young son, arrived at the house feeling rather ill and threw up just after he got out of the car. Something about this illness is making him rather testy with a tendency to smack any adults that come near him.

I'm fine! It's just a little flesh wound!

Now, while the children get progressively more ill and irritable, the parents become more and more unlikable. Jonah’s only reason for being at this little gathering is to try to get Robbie to help him smuggle traditional Chinese medicine over the border (you’d think there are better things you could smuggle across the border, but anyway…). Robbie is quite content to smoke weed out in the dilapidated greenhouse while looking up Casey’s skirt. Chloe is an odd combination of free-spirited hippy and judgmental Victorian mother. The only somewhat likeable people are Casey and Elaine, mainly because they behave in a way that is fitting for their characters. While all of this is panning out and the family cat has mysteriously disappeared, the children have some nasty surprises waiting up their tiny little sleeves.

Come play with us mommy. Forever. And ever. And ever.

Parents, bless them, never believe that their children have the capability and innocent appearance to do the devil’s work. This inability to believe in the innate evil of children is what leads to the first ‘accident’ in our little tale: Robbie going down a hill on a snow sledge face first into a rake. The police can’t get there fast enough because of the snow blocking the roads and now the kids are off running around in the forest surrounding the house. But even as the kids become more assertive in their attacks and more violent in their attempts to be rid of their parents the adults are still unwilling to accept what is happening, with Chloe and Jonah being exceptionally irritating on the matter. Only Casey seems to understand entirely what is happening and it is her mission to protect her mother from her baby brother and his cousins. This will be no simple task since children are quick and tiny and difficult to catch while adults are big and strong and capable of throwing you across the room.

Can Casey save the day and make it to the party she wants to attend? Can traditional family values win in a situation where children are trying to kill you? All these answers and more when you watch The Children!

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • Blonde girls are vindictively manipulative from a very early age.
  • If your child is vomiting up what looks like frog’s eggs, run – it’s a sure sign that they will try to kill you.
  • Morals are subjective – just because you want to bang your niece doesn’t mean that you find smuggling Chinese drugs appropriate.
  • As a parent killing your one child because it was trying to kill your other child is a real catch 22 situation and you will be judged no matter what you do.
  • Never wear boots when climbing a jungle gym. You will get hurt.
  • Dolls are a great weapon if you can imbed them in someone’s abdomen.

THE CHILDREN TRAILER

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