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House of Bones

House of Bones

Year of Release: 2010
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 4.3 / 10
Level of Awful: Surprise!
Breast-O-Meter: 0 /5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Lately I’ve come up against a bit of a brick wall so far as my reviews are concerned. I’ve watched so many movies in the past month, but they’ve all ended up being direly boring and I couldn’t think of a single way to write reviews for any of them (although the good Lord knows I’ve tried). It might just be that my standards have dropped, or I was just so desperate to write about something that my mind is making it all up, but I actually found this to be a decent and passable horror movie. It’s certainly not original, it doesn’t try to shake anything up and it doesn’t try to elicit any kind of emotional response from the audience, but as a standard haunted house story it works in the sense that what it does, it does well. I wouldn’t recommend rushing out to get your hands on a copy, but if it happens to come on TV sometime and you haven’t anything better lined up, give it watch. You may end up being mildly entertained.

WARNING! WARNING! Smarm overload!

WARNING! WARNING! Smarm overload!

In a move that may briefly leave you confused and mistakenly thinking that you’re watching Grave Encounters, the movie opens with us following the crew of a ghost hunting show. The show’s a little old school and is made up primarily of stock footage that they’ve green-screened their rather smarmy and pony-tailed host in front of. Since nobody appreciates a classic anymore, the ratings for the show have started to dip tremendously, and the producers are threatening to axe the show unless something is done. Enter the man who knows buzzwords! In his opinion the show needs to take on some elements from reality TV shows (no it doesn’t – nothing EVER needs to take points from reality shows. EVER.) and place the producer in the haunted houses and record his overly dramatic responses.  So essentially they’re going to make it into Ghost Adventures.

Let's just call it a feminist fertility rite and leave it at that.

Let’s just call it a feminist fertility rite and leave it at that.

The powers behind the show have found the absolutely perfect house! It’s set in a lovely neighbourhood, plenty of room for a family, fresh coat of paint, slave lodgings, the works! It also has a terrible history of people going missing as soon as they set foot inside of it, and the neighbours keep complaining about disembodied voices pleading for mercy, but it’s nothing that a new lamp and a mild exorcism won’t take care of. When the crew arrives there’s nobody there to open up for them; thankfully the movie’s a bit racist and has equipped its only black character with the skills to pick locks and a desire to break into white folks’ homes. It’s all a bit strange inside though: why is there a fully stocked fridge in a house that’s been abandoned since before the 1950s? Why is it so spotlessly clean? Why is the psychic they brought with them bleeding out of her eyes? Nobody seems particularly concerned with these questions, so it’s on with the show they go.

Bitch needs an extra-strength lozenge! Stat!

Bitch needs an extra-strength lozenge! Stat!

It becomes quite apparent quite quickly that this isn’t one of those fake haunted houses – there is some genuine malevolent shit going on in there. Unfortunately the crew is headed up by the biggest asshole of a producer that a film has ever dared to create, so despite the fact that people are disappearing into the walls he absolutely forbids anyone to abandon their posts. As it turns out it isn’t that the house has evil spirits in it – the house itself is the evil spirit. To survive it literally eats its victims in order to maintain itself (gorgeous wallpaper and a meticulously clean crystal chandelier come at a cost, you know), and it isn’t interested in letting any of its new meals out. It’ll be up to the bleeding-eye psychic, a black dude and a melted corpse to solve the case if there’s any hope of them living to see the sun rise again.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • Haunted houses are known to spin people right round (baby, right round, like a record baby right round, round round).
  • Haunted houses have no right to go around giving themselves fresh coats of paint.
  • When the ratings for your TV show are down, it calls for life threatening situations to revitalise them.
  • It’s supernaturally dangerous when a haunted house’s pleasure to pain ratios are too high.
  • The colour of the ectoplasm you find indicates the level of malevolence you are dealing with.
  • It’s very important to routinely check your psychic for hairballs to ensure optimum health.

HOUSE OF BONES TRAILER

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The Death Factory: Bloodletting

Year of Release: 2008
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 4.2 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Now this is how you do a proper b-grade horror movie! Alright acting, alright plot, lots of blood, good creature, a few boob shots and a mad man behind it all. The Death Factory: Bloodletting (quite a mouthful) isn’t at all frightening and there were points where me and my friends were doubled over laughing so hard at some of the things that were going on there were tears rolling down our faces. There’s also a place reserved for us in the seventh circle of hell because of the fact we laughed so much at the ‘simple’ guy in charge of looking after the monster. I’m not the kind of person to make fun of these things but he was just so out of place in amongst the blood and gore that it was just ridiculous. But let me tell you about all the other fun in this movie:

♫ You're mind is in Disturbia, it's like the darkness is the light... ♫

Ana Romero is pissed off, and understandably so: 2 years ago her daughter was taken from her front lawn and brutally murdered. To rub salt in the wound Ana found out how her daughter was killed by finding a video that had been posted on the internet posted on a snuff site. Not content with the police’s inability to track down her daughter’s murderer Ana begins to trade in illegal snuff movies and the like on various sites dedicated to such abominations under the username Massive 9. She develops quite a cult following and is invited to a bloodletting, a live show of an innocent women being tortured along with a group of people who are actively involved in making and distributing films in several different disgusting genres.

You meet the most interesting groups of people when you go to a snuff screening...

Meet the gang: Massive 9, Cock Master, Rubber Love, White Manson, Black Johnson, Gretel, Gretal’s slave Hansel and Slutty Baby, a delightful crowd with varying interests. While they think they’re here to watch a woman, known affectionately as The Object, being tortured in front of them they are actually a part of a religious fanatic’s plan to help God rid the earth of the vile and the detestable. Under the codename of Big Brother he has the entire building under surveillance and a nasty little trick up his sleeve. You see his sister Alexa underwent trials several years earlier in a treatment facility with an experimental drug that was meant to rejuvenate damaged human tissue and cells. What it actually managed to do was turn her into a cannibalistic nutcase with a nice pair of Freddy Kruger knives on her fingers and teeth like the vampires in 30 Days of Night. I only found out that there was a Death Factory 1 after I saw this movie so I can’t comment on whether or not any of this is related to the first movie.

I swear it was like this when I found it!

So the scene is set for absolute mayhem and bloodshed as Alexa begins to work her way through this group of society’s degenerates. Thankfully Ana was clever enough to bring a gun (wait until you see how she snuck it in!) but it won’t do her a lot of good when she has to fight off the other people in the group just as much as she needs to defend herself from Alexa. Things start to get interesting when White Manson turns on her and Sid (our ‘simple’ hero who talks like a high-pitched Sid the Sloth) injects her with the same serum that’s used to keep Alexa alive and in her current God-loving and ravenous state. When Ana begins to transform the stage is ready for the ultimate b-horror mutated bitch fight. When all is said and done this movie is a lot of fun, but sadly not for the reasons the director would have liked you to enjoy it.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • A woman can store a fully loaded gun and another round of bullets in her vagina.
  • There is no honour amongst snuff movie makers.
  • Women, even when faced with death, will stop to admire a pole and touch it like she was about to perform a strip show.
  • Queefing: verb – to use one’s vagina as a purse.
  • Chicken wire, when electrocuted, is impossible to break through.
  • Ironically you can put a black man that’s involved in white slave trading and a neo-Nazi in a room together and they’ll get along rather well.
  • Anaemia  = cannibalistic.
  • Blessed are the ‘simple’ people for they control the cannibalistic monster.

The Death Factory Bloodletting Trailer

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