WHAT IT’S ABOUT:
OK, I’m gonna put an idea out there and you can all tell me what you think. Four things made this movie standout when I first heard about it: 1) It’s made by the Asylum, 2) its leading ladies are Carmen Electra and 3) Brooke Hogan and, of course, 4) it’s about a giant 2-headed man-eating shark! Now, when one considers all these things, one might expect that this would be a belly full of laughs from beginning to end. One may just be disappointed. Perhaps it’s because I watched it back-to-back with Terror at Blood Fart Lake and nothing was going to compare with the awesome insanity of that movie but this little nautical nightmare just wasn’t as much fun as I was hoping for. Don’t get me wrong, it’s highly amusing to watch, but it just doesn’t have that b-grade x-factor that would let it go down in memory as a totally satisfying experience.
Now, if I understand this movie correctly (which is difficult since it all just seems so unlikely), Charlie O’Connell is a university professor taking his class out to sea to investigate something or other. What they’re investigating hardly seems important since they can’t even master the use of a compass, so we’re not really expecting them to turn out to be anything spectacular later on in life. He’s accompanied by his wife Carmen Electra, a brilliant doctor who’s dedicated her time to help any wary sailor out and cure whatever it is that may be ailing them. Everything’s going wonderfully until the boat manages to get a dead shark lodged in its propellers, bring the little exploratory expedition to an end. Thankfully there’s an atoll (which isn’t really an atoll) nearby where the group hopes they can salvage some materials to fix the boat.
The boat’s been a little bit more damaged than the group initially realises since the shark lodged in the propeller blades soon became a snack for the massive 2-headed mutant swimming around these waters. Being a rather messy and enthusiastic eater the 2-header smashed the boat’s hull and the ship’s starting to take on water and any of the crew members who try to fix it end up mysteriously eaten. Back on the atoll the students are doing there utmost best to be morons and go about being general asses and bitches. Some lesbian experimentation and threesome action comes to an abrupt halt when all concerned land up being eaten (although not in the way the one guy originally intended). Oh yeah, and the atoll’s sinking. The group’s gonna have to hustle themselves and fix the boat quickly before the land disappears from underneath them.
Thankfully Brooke Hogan’s here to save the day. Now, it’s not so much that she’s a genius as the rest of the group would lose a spelling bee to an amoeba but, in times of mutant shark attacks and atoll sinkings, one cannot afford to be picky. With her mannish good looks, straw-blonde hair and breasts that are forever threatening to fall out of her bikini, Brooke successfully manages to fix three separate boats AND figure out what’s drawing the sharks’ attention. It would appear that the creature’s two heads make it more sensitive to noise in the water, thus making it rather tricky to escape by boat. With land becoming an increasingly rare commodity and spare students that can be used as shark snacks running out Brooke and Co. will have to find a way of either teleporting off the island, sinking the main boat to send out a distress beacon or pull together a MacGyver-style plan to kill the 2-headed beast.
LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:
- It’s better to be safe than someone’s dinner.
- You have no chance of surviving at sea without a long, pointy stick.
- An all-over tan requires that a woman’s breasts be thrust forward at all times.
- Women are constantly on edge, just waiting for a man to dare them to strip naked.
- A woman only gets a limited number of chances to be a lesbian in her lifetime.
- Being eaten by a shark is not the ideal way to get a threesome going.
- Good quality lighters will continue to work even after being submerged for hours at a time.
- A small metal net and half a barrel of gas is all you need to electrocute the entire ocean.
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WHAT THEY’RE ABOUT:
Sometimes a bad idea is just so bad that one movie couldn’t possibly contain it. But appearances can be deceiving: despite having the same underlying concept, level of awful, titles that imply that the one follows on from the other and virtually identical DVD case, these movies, in fact, have nothing to do with one another. Giant spiders are everywhere to be found, but sadly the same is not true of talent or cohesive thought.
The first Spiders film starts in outer space, an apparently new space for research into genetically modified insects. As luck would have it, just when one of the spiders is roaming free, a meteor shower strikes the shuttle, leaving the spiders to escape and forcing the remaining shuttle crew to make a surprisingly good emergency landing back on earth. School reporter Marci and her little team of sidekicks coincidentally happen to be in the middle of the same desert the shuttle crash landed in, and go to investigate.
Having moved the sole survivor of the shuttle crash to a top-secret underground bunker, US government scientists continue to keep an eye on his hideously advancing mutations as the little spiders inside him start to grow. The top-secret bunker is broken into by Marci and co., where they begin to discover the truth behind the experiments that have gone wrong. They must now outwit US agents, outrun giant spiders and make it back to school in time to reveal the truth in its weekly newspaper.
So much for that “plot line”. Spiders II: Breeding Ground takes place on a ship way out in the middle of the ocean. Loving couple Jason and Alex are sailing out on their yacht having a lovely romantic time when a storm appears from nowhere and they lose their sail. Thankfully, Captain Jim Bigelow’s enormous ship just happens to be sailing nearby and he happily picks them up (for dinner) and helps them to a round of mysterious injections that no-one cares to explain.
Meanwhile, on board the ship, Dr. Gerbac and his team of mad scientists are researching the effects of breeding giant spiders. The biggest spider Gerbac keeps as a pet that needs to be fed the odd human corpse to be kept happy, while other semi-alive captives are used as incubators for the spider eggs. Needless to say, experiments like this never quite go according to plan and the spiders, in all their various sizes, escape and begin to hunt down the human population of the ship. John and Alex now need to find a way to safety while John begins to feel the strange effects of the injections that were given to him earlier.
THINGS I’VE LEARNED:
- Spiders roar really loudly.
- When enlarged to the size of the White House, spiders actually become quite dainty on their toes and begin to resemble ballerinas.
- It is quite simply to make a crash landing with a space craft.
- Spiders don’t feel the effects of zero gravity.
- Despite having some of the best security in the world, US government bunkers can be easily infiltrated by a group of teenagers so long as they take the lift.
- Spiders have a lot of rage when it comes to moving vehicles.
- When hung out of helicopter on a windy night, teenage girls are remarkably accurate with a bazooka.
- Spiders the size of houses can easily climb up a ship’s stairwell.
- Carrier liners frequently change size while travelling at sea.
- Having 10 or so giant spiders on top of a ship will not cause it to sway or tilt in the slightest.
- Spiders enjoy a good tug-o-war for a live human if the human is also tied to a helicopter.