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Bunnyman

Year of Release: 2009
Genre:  Horror
IMDB Rating: 3.1 / 10
Level of Awful: Low
Breast-O-Meter: 0 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Oddly enough, for a movie called Bunnyman with a psycho killer running around dressed in a bunny suit, this movie wasn’t half bad. It has a sort of Wrong Turn feel to it, but without the rampant inbred lunatics. The guys in this movie are just your regular, run-of-the-mill, possibly slightly inbred lunatics. It’s main failings are in some of the characters the audience is meant to sympathise with, and it’s a problem that befalls many movies like this one: in an attempt to create an atmosphere of tension and fear amongst the characters the outcome is a group of 5 people who are constantly sniping and bitching at one another. But before you make up your mind on whether to watch this or not, let’s have a look at what happens.

What the Easter Bunny does to fill the other 364 days of the year.

As with any great story about a maniac killing off random victims we have to travel out into the middle of absolutely nowhere, miles from civilisation where nothing but desert and a mysterious forest thrives. Evil stalks this part of the world, and that evil is dressed in a bunny suit. He finds young women along the highway and stores them in enormous cooler boxes before letting them run around in an abandoned junk yard where he slowly stalks them for fun. On one particular day the girl hides in the back of his truck, which suits him just fine. He drives out to a little bit of forest, ties her to a tree and the truck and drives off, ripping the poor girl in half before going out to look for more victims.

Fortunately victims are in abundance along the long stretch of empty highway. When our little group of friends tries to overtake the bunnyman’s truck they severely piss him off, whereupon he tries to drive them off the road. They pull over, hoping to apologise for whatever it is they’ve done, but this only seems to infuriate our killer even more. Apparently unable to appease his anger, the bunnyman drives on to set a trap for our little group of co-eds: just a little bit up the track he parks his truck with half of it sticking out into the road. Noticing it too late the kids crash their car in an attempt to avoid the truck and the bunnyman drives on, his day of tormenting these kids having only just begun.

Riverside picnics are never as romantic as books would have you believe.

So when one of our little group decides to try and fix the car the bunnyman returns, smashing into the back of the car and crushing the young man underneath. This is when the group figures out that they’ve run into more than just another pissed off trucker and they need to find a phone and try to make it back to civilisation. But the woods are a dangerous place filled with drunken, gun-toting hicks, upside down crosses, bags of human bones hanging from trees, weird log cabins and one oddly seductive woman with serious anger management issues. And, of course, chainsaw wielding lunatics in bunny costumes rarely work alone and our group of constantly bickering friends is about to discover that they’ve walked into a demented family affair and it’s gonna take all their best survival skills to get out of this forest in (literally) one piece.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • If someone tries to drive you off the road you should be sure to apologise for pissing him off.
  • Some women have no fight or flight instinct. Their only instinct is to faint.
  • The easiest way to check if a car is broken is to see if it’s dirty under the hood.
  • There’s always a logical explanation for bags of human bones being hung from trees.
  • If you can’t identify whose bones they are it’s perfectly alright to hang them from a tree.
  • There’s not much you can do to help a dead friend.
  • Even psychopaths in bunny suits listen to classical music to centre themselves before beginning their daily torture rounds.
  • Psychopathic women may have their issues but one thing they won’t stand for is a slut.

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The Evil Woods

Year of Release: 2007
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 3.1 / 10
Level of Awful: High

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Z-grade horror movies and I have a love-hate relationship with one another and over the years I’ve put up with a lot from would-be directors who can’t direct and “actors” that can’t act, but his one crossed a line. This movie has all the ingredients that go into making a horrible piece of cheese: non-existent budget, actors that can’t act, weak plot and weak writing, but if I’ve learned anything from reviewing horrible horrors it’s that there’s one thing that’s essential to making them: a blonde woman. And there isn’t one to be seen in this movie! Really guys? Aaron Harvey and Jason Melling, you should be ashamed of yourselves…

The most tragic thing to happen to horror movies yet...

So we begin our tale with no blonde woman in the parking lot of a high school / university (movie isn’t entirely clear on this one) where Jamie, John and Mindy are getting ready to go camping. Out of nowhere Steve, John’s weed supplier, and his girlfriend Shannon rock up with a car packed with food and camping supplies. After begging to go camping with the threesome they all head out in Steve’s Land Rover to what was once the most amazing party spot in the woods. It was probably awesome because there were blonde women there before, but not anymore. Something has obviously happened over the years because the site isn’t all that great anymore and, judging from the opening scene of the movie, there’s a killer on the loose somewhere. This isn’t important, of course, because all our little guys are interested in is drinking lots of beer and lighting up for 2 days.

Don't worry, he's unarmed!

Clearly nature isn’t good for you because it seems to break down millions of years of evolution and leaves people with only the most base things to talk about: sex, pissing and farting (either by setting it on fire or doing it while receiving a blowjob). Oh, and the need for beer. John’s the main irritant here, with the three girls being whiny and dumb in their own little way. If you want to imagine John just picture Homer Simpson but without any of the things that make him funny. Once camp has been set up and 36 beers have been downed with amazing speed, everyone sits back to enjoy some more beer, some smoors and some weed. But, as every b-horror fan knows, if you’re out camping somewhere there’s a creepy old man waiting to tell you the dark and horrible past of the particular forest you find yourself in, and The Evil Woods is no exception to this rule. Only to the ‘must have a blonde woman’ rule.

Being stalked by an inexperienced killer can be really awkward.

So, back in the day when this little piece of land was the most amazing party spot around and blonde women flowed in abundance, there was a particularly protective park ranger who loved the area greatly. The problem was that the kids who came here to party often left the place in a state, with beer cans and litter all over the place for the ranger to clean up after them. How his cleaning and their prank are connected isn’t entirely clear but never the less one night all the kids decide to mission up to the ranger’s cabin and lock him in it by barring the windows and doors. To make it more exciting they started shooting fireworks at the cabin to frighten him. Wood cabin? Pine forest? No one? Idiots. Of course the cabin catches fire and the kids run away but the body of the ranger is never found and now his spirit is said to wander the forest killing anyone he believes to be violating his little green acre. This story is completely lost on our gang since, when they come across the burned-down cabin, they think that they’re looking at an old meth lab that exploded but, in their defence, they are completely baked from smoking weed for 2 days non-stop.

Whether they remember the story or not the fact remains that someone or something is stalking the forest with an axe hellbent on killing off the little group in the most unconvincing ways possible. Can they make it out of the woods before they’re all killed off? Probably not, there’s no blonde woman around to distract the killer…

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • A walking stick is nature’s coffee.
  • You can pay for petrol before you know how much you’ve bought.
  • Respecting a woman and her opinions makes you a pussy.
  • Doing anything for your girlfriend makes you a pussy.
  • Dropping anything makes you a pussy.
  • Murdering someone from behind is the coward’s way of being a serial killer.
  • When being chased by a killer in the woods, hide behind a tree and breathe like Darth Vader. They’ll never find you.
  • Blood has a syrupy consistency.
  • Blood crystallizes when it dries.
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