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Final Destination: The Ultimate Movie Marathon

Final Destination 5 Poster facebook timeline cover 849 X 312 Final,Destination,PosterSince some people seem to insist that I be an adult and hold down a real job (people are really inconsiderate that way), it’s taken me ages to do this write up, but this UMM was actually done back-to-back with the Twilight one. The UMM rules state that for it to be an actual UMM, there needs to be at least 7 movies to the franchise (the gods forbid that that should ever happen to Twilight), so my elite crack movie watching squad (Tropical Mary, Stygian Mole and the Occult Specialist) and I decided we’d just bend the rules slightly and watch another short franchise, thus bringing the evening’s final movie tally to 10.

By the time we started watching these movies my life was already in jeopardy, and there was a very real chance that my team would tar and feather me. We’d just watched +- 10 hours of stares, and I was really hoping that these movies would redeem me. I’m not sure if they did, but I think they went a long way to easing some of the tension.

The Final Destination franchise, in my opinion, is one that should truly be treasured because there isn’t a single bad movie in it. Yes, some movies are better than others when compared against one another, but on the whole all of them are very watchable and a lot of fun. It’s difficult to decide what sub-genre of horror these movies fall into, since they aren’t really slashers, but the whole idea that Death itself can come after you really puts a fresh twist on things. It’s also a lot of fun to watch just how a string of incredibly convoluted events can end up killing people in some truly horrific ways. Most importantly (and where other movies have long since fallen off the bandwagon), the Final Destination movies have, for more than a decade, introduced audiences to movies with people standing in a triangle on the cover. Not enough movies do that any more, and I think it’s a truly important cinematic event that should be passed on to future generations.

By this point in the evening the idea of any form of critical analysis had long since gone out of the window, so I’ll just give you a brief rundown of each movie, followed by our Twilight-riddled stream of consciousness. Enjoy!

FINAL DESTINATIONFinal Destination

Year of Release: 2000
Genre: Horror / Mystery
IMDB Rating: 6.7 / 10
Level of Awful: Surprise!

Be honest – when you first saw this movie it made you think twice about getting on a plane. Starring a frightfully young Ali Larter, this is the movie that introduced us to the notion that Death might have a rather sick and fiendish plan for us all. Young Alex Brown and his friends are all getting ready for a fun school trip to France on Flight 180 when he has a horrifying vision that the plane will blow up just after take off. No one really believes him, but he and a few others are ejected from the plane for unruly behaviour anyway. Lo and behold, the plane actually does blow up, killing everyone on it.

In what may be Death’s equivalent of Wikileaks, these premonitions do not form part of Death’s ultimate plan – the survivors were never meant to get off the plane. Now, Death is coming for them and plans on getting them back in gruesome (but sometimes also hilarious) ways. Just how long can Alex and company actually cheat death?

  • Dad supports copulation with French bitches.
  • This scene warns us that there may be a slight draft.
  • No hookers in the airport!
  • Kill a Hari Krishna!
  • Death laughs in the face of subtlety.
  • Don’t fart in the bathroom!
  • One should always aspire to do some tittie fucking while flying over Greenland.
  • Behold: the Maltesers of DOOM!!
  • Thank god for pre-911 – Alex would be hung and quartered by the FBI now.
  • Awkward orphans are awkward.
  • Survivor guilt!
  • Freedom! (from life).
  • He’s really not clairvoyant; Death only had a brief chat with him.
  • Cold drafts are apparently Death’s preferred mode of transport.
  • How do you get your toilet water to be that immaculate shade of blue?
  • Behold: the Alsation of impending DOOM!!
  • Mortuary break-ins are such a rush for randy teenagers.
  • Furniture for movie kindly sponsored by Death by Design.
  • Agent Shrek stages a daring coffin drop.
  • Police brutality – the best kind of brutality.
  • Tube monitors are the Devil’s work.
  • Caramelised blood. Sweet, delicious caramelised blood.
  • Death’s a sneaky bastard and willing to let you go slowly.

FINAL DESTINATION 2Final Destination 2

Year of Release: 2003
Genre: Horror / Mystery
IMDB Rating: 6.2 / 10
Level of Awful: Surprise!

In the franchise’s apparent bid to make us afraid to do anything at all, Final Destination 2 takes the terror on the road and presents the viewer with a delightfully horrific pile up on the highway. Remember when that giant log went through the policeman’s car? Yeah, that.

This movie centres on Kimberly, who was beginning a roadtrip with a bunch of her friends when her premonition happened. By backing up traffic, she manages to save a lot of people from the enormous crash, once again setting Death up to take back what it feels rightfully belongs to it.

This movie is the only one in the franchise that has any direct connection to the first film (or is it?), with a still-frightfully young Ali Larter reprising her role as Clear Rivers to help this new bunch of kids escape from Death’s wispy clutches. The movie is also interesting because it examines the consequences of the first one and how the (temporary) survival of the Flight 180 passengers created a ripple effect in Death’s greater design. More bodies, more explosions, and more pigeon-related deaths than you can shake a stick at. What’s not to enjoy?

  • Crazy people are really useful for providing background info into Death’s design.
  • Oh, how I miss a good old VCR.
  • Condoms, whips, and chains are all really useful items to pack for a roadtrip.
  • Irony is all around you, ergo, Death is all around you.
  • Drink pale ale responsibly.
  • Warning lights in cars aren’t really there to tell us anything important.
  • White guys can be totally thug.
  • “Call 180” – The devil got a new number.
  • This police station has a capture and release system in place for witnesses.
  • Back at Stately Wayne suburbia…
  • Hygiene and safety standards – this guy has none.
  • Magnets and microwaves really aren’t compatible.
  • Well done! You just made things much, much worse.
  • Dear God, not my iMac!
  • Remember to evacuate your apartment in a calm and orderly fashion.
  • Remember kids – spaghetti kills.
  • Smoking is healthy if you do it on a treadmill.
  • It must be refreshing when a mental patient WANTS to be there.
  • Clear could still die from 1000 paper cuts.
  • Good luck beating Death, and don’t fuck it up.
  • Find Nemo: Killer Version.
  • All Nitrous, all the time!
  • Terrible: dying after you’ve racked up an enormous dental bill.
  • Welcome to the Crazy and Clothed branch of the FBI.
  • Death sees you when you’re coming. How awkward.
  • Valium: like Smarties, but for adults.
  • Don’t go accusin’ no one that their ass is any less alive than yours.
  • Behold: the ripple effect of DOOM!!
  • Death by Design has a rift that even duct tape can’t fix.
  • Splash the Magical Flying Ambulance.
  • Death has been vanquished and Dawn reveals her rosy bottom to everyone.
  • KABOOM!

FINAL DESTINATION 3Final Destination 3

Year of Release: 2006
Genre: Horror / Mystery
IMDB Rating: 5.7 / 10
Level of Awful: Surprise!

Alright, so we can’t fly anywhere and we can’t drive anywhere. Now, even if we somehow manage to make it to an amusement park, we can’t ride rollercoasters either? Not that I’m a huge fan of rollercoasters (I don’t like going upside down), but I’d at least like to have the option. Oh yeah, and don’t ride on trains. Ever.

This time around we’re following Wendy, who only wanted to spend a fun night out at the amusement park with her friends and boyfriend to celebrate their senior year of high school. Death and his ever-fabulous designers over at Death by Design, however, have a different plan. Wendy’s premonition kicks in just before a rollercoaster ride, showing her in detail that the human spine and metal support columns should never meet one another at high speed. She panics and gets off the rollercoaster, taking several people with her (sadly, boyfriend not included), thus setting in motion a chain of events that means Death and his designers need to put in a little overtime.

The key to survival here will be Wendy’s passion for amateur photography: she took pictures of everyone that night before the rollercoaster derailed, and they seem to hold clues to preventing peoples’ decidedly squelchy ends. Can Wendy and her friend Kevin beat Death and his array of faulty tanning beds, fork lifts gone wild and flying truck engines? Probably not, but it’s boatloads of fun to watch them try.

  • Thank you New Line Cinema.
  • It’s the Rollercoaster of Love!
  • There’s some reckless foreshadowing being thrown around here.
  • Camel toes, duck face and warp speed, oh my!
  • Hydraulic fluid: Gone.
  • Tyres: Gone.
  • Who knew teenagers could fly?
  • Oh wait, they can’t.
  • She whips her hair (and spine) back and forth.
  • Spear tackle a bitch! Bitches love to be spear tackled.
  • Getting a tune-up tan for a funeral is so thoughtful.
  • That’s a good work lamp there.
  • This, on the other hand, is only an average work lamp.
  • Mmmm… delicious fried whore.
  • Death by Design releases its Equality range of murder.
  • Drink pale ale responsibly.
  • There’s so much ‘Merica! going on here it hurts.
  • This guy works for Osama bin Supervisor.
  • Watch out for the overreaction over steer!
  • Wendy’s camera has all the megapixels.
  • Fuck you Ben Franklin!
  • We’re on the love train!
  • OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! OUCH!

THE FINAL DESTINATIONFinal Destination 4

Year of Release: 2009
Genre: Horror / Mystery
IMDB Rating: 5 / 10
Level of Awful: Surprise!

I don’t get why people are so down on this movie. Yes, of all the Final Destination movies it is the weakest. It suffers from being a little over zealous with the CGI (at times going up to Syfy levels) and it was clearly made with 3D in mind because everything just wants to fly out of the TV at you, but it’s by no means a bad movie. Oh right, and it isn’t REALLY The Final Destination, but I guess they couldn’t have known that at the time.

OK, we couldn’t fly anywhere, drive anywhere, or ride on rollercoasters, and this movie also wants us to stop going to races at the speedway. Again, this doesn’t really affect me because I find Formula 1 and that kind of thing boring, but I’d still at least like to have the option.

Death by Design’s out in force again, and this time they’ve set their beady little eyes on Nick. Nick, his girlfriend, and two of their friends, have decided to pass a decidedly American afternoon watching some very American racing surrounded by some very American spectators. Courtesy of the worst pit crew in the world, things go a tad bit awry, several crashes happen, and the entire speedway collapses. Or, at least that’s what’s going to happen according to Nick’s premonition.

Nick and Co., along with several other people, manage to get out before the crash happens, and Death by Design must ride their obsidian unicorns into battle once again. Keep a look out for some KKK-style burnings, a movie theatre on the verge, an over enthusiastic pool pump and the 1001 dangers of standing too close to a chain link fence.

  • Thank you New Line Cinema.
  • It’s like Daytona, bitches!
  • The Nickelback alone should be a clue that bad shit is gonna happen.
  • Oh neo-nazis, you’re really such a lovely crowd.
  • A flaming pancake! A flancake!
  • I’m feeling a little racial tension in that enormous hook and petrol can.
  • Yet more irresponsible pale ale consumption.
  • Absent parenting is the best kind of parenting.
  • Scissors to the face!
  • Gotta love some redneck bottle drinking.
  • Clear Rivers water. Death by Design must be close…
  • Slowest draining pool EVER.
  • There’s nothing more horrifying that explosive ass decompression.
  • It can’t be fun to be flattened by a bath.
  • Death by Design got really greedy in this movie.
  • Death’s Hobo walks amongst us.

FINAL DESTINATION 5Final Destination 5

Year of Release: 2011
Genre: Horror / Mystery
IMDB Rating: 5.8 / 10
Level of Awful: Surprise!

If the 4th movie took the series into a little bit of a dip, then this movie brought the franchise right back on track again. As if to reinforce the lesson we learned in the 2nd movie, if you hadn’t already learned that driving is dangerous, Death by Design is also more than capable of making the bridge you’re driving over collapse right out from underneath you.

In this last movie, we’re going to follow the escapades of Sam, a terrifically talented chef in the making, on his way to a retreat with his co-workers from his day job as a salesman. A leak in the space-time-gruesome-death continuum causes him to have a premonition where the whole bridge they are on completely collapses. This results in people drowning, being crushed by cars, getting impaled, and one unfortunate guy landing up on the wrong end of a vat of molten tar. It’s all rather unpleasant, really.

So Sam panics and gets some people safely off the bridge before the collapse happens. By this stage, Death by Design is getting bloody fed up trying to patch all of these leaks in the Grand Design, so the survivors land up getting killed one-by-one in yet another series of horrifying (and, in one instance, bone breaking) incidents. What I really liked, though, is this movie has a really good twist ending that I really didn’t see coming. I won’t spoil it for you, but if you keep a close watch on the characters throughout the movie you’ll see all the clues. Enjoy!

  • Thank you New Line Cinema (and Warner Bros.)
  • In the end, it’s often salesman against chef.
  • Final Destination continues the franchise’s strict 1 black person per movie quota.
  • Bald really is the new black.
  • Yet another good work lamp. Well done movie.
  • Gymnastics should really be restricted to 9-year-old boys.
  • If he’s bereaved, he must be bereaving. In fact, he’s a bereaver!
  • Stationary theft is deadly.
  • Angst is difficult to pull off if you’re wearing a suit.
  • Angst is a dish best served in jeans and a t-shirt.
  • The fat guy really needs to die – horribly.
  • Laser to the eye!
  • Eyes pop well, especially when you drive over them.
  • These people are just dumb as rocks.
  • Psycho killers are that little bit more serious when they have a skillet.
  • The _ _ _ _ _ _ _ has landed!
  • Token black guy outlasted everyone!
  • Final Destination: Changing movie stereotypes.
  • The black guy survives the horror!
  • Oh wait, I take that back…

FINAL THOUGHTS

After the miserable morning / afternoon / early evening that we spent watching the Twilight movies, these movies were just a complete breath of fresh air. People still weren’t speaking to me, but it was a step up from them threatening to mummify me alive. In a small way, I think these movies went a decent way to saving my life at the hands of a hair-eating Tropical Mary that night, and for that I’m thankful.

Like I said in the beginning of this write up, this is one of the best franchises, in my opinion, that horror has to offer. Whilst it may be purely by virtue of the fact that this franchise has fewer movies in it that many others, there really isn’t a bad one in the bunch. Yes, number four was comparatively weak, but on the whole it still stands up better than many other franchises’ weaker members. They key to these films’ success lies in the fact that they more or less follow a very well thought out system that was laid down in the first movie. They tweak it here and there and the deaths gradually become more gruesome and inventative, and leaves the audience in that fun place where they know exactly what’s going to happen, but you have no clue just how it’s going to happen.

Now, as for the scientific calculations that form an integral part of any UMM night, keeping track of the deaths in the Final Destination movies is a slightly tricky affair. Using a highly scientific and complicated system of spreadsheets, pie charts, clay tablets, and counting on our toes, we settled on a final death count of 499. Breasts were few and far between in this franchise, with a total of only 11. That works out to a death-to-breast ratio of roughly 45.3:1.

When all was said and done, it was nearly 5am and the sugar crash was starting to kick in hard, so it was off to bed for all of us. The next day was spent with a sugar-deprived headache that allowed me some time to reflect on the kinds of friendships that can withstand what I subjected them to on that bright and sunny Good Friday. So long as I promise to have no part in choosing the movies for the next UMM, I think we’re all gonna be friends for a good while yet 🙂

As always, I’m always looking for suggestions for the next UMM, especially for franchises that may be slightly more obscure.

Thanks to everyone for reading, and a big thanks to all those who kept us company through the live tweeting madness of the day!

Until next time 🙂

BUY THE FINAL DESTINATION MOVIES AT AMAZON.COM

Twilight: The Ultimate Movie Marathon

twilightsagamarathon

Alright, I’ll be the first to say it: this was a dumbass idea team!  And I can’t even blame the team for this; this was entirely my own idea. Against my own better judgement, the combined better judgement of Tropical Mary, Stygian Mole and the Occult Specialist, and against any common sense whatsoever I insisted that we watch these movies as part of an Ultimate Movie Marathon. The thought behind it was that if we could make it through them all (even if it meant Debbie Gibsoning the hell out of ourselves), we would be some of the most hardcore movie watchers out there. It wasn’t a good thought. These movies stole my smart, they stole my will to live, and my friends want to burn me as a witch for what I did to them.

It started out like any other UMM day, with all the snacks and coke and cigarettes at the ready, but we knew that this wasn’t going to be easy. We also knew that, since this ‘saga’ is aimed at teenagers, we wouldn’t be able to do our regular breast-to-death ratio since there would be minimal death and nary a breast in sight. Instead, we decided to go with something more practical: stares (sorry Stygian Mole!) to men’s nipples (OK, watching the Occult Specialist handle this was kinda fun). Now, since most people are well aware of what these stupid movies entail, I’m gonna give you a brief summary of each one before plowing into the stream of consciousness to show you what we went through, all in the name of b-horror blogging.

TWILIGHT

You can either be vampires, or you can be the Pussycat Dolls, but you can't be both.

You can either be vampires, or you can be the Pussycat Dolls, but you can’t be both.

Year of Release: 2008
Genre: Drama / Fantasy
IMDB Rating: 5.2 / 10
Level of Awful: High

You know what, I’m not going to be entirely unfair and start this off on a bad note. Yes, this movie was absolutely rubbish and is most likely partly responsible for how stupid some kids are becoming these days, but so far as the Twilight Saga has to offer, this is about as good as it gets. It teaches young girls the importance of going to ludicrous extremes to date MUCH older men and then to cling on desperately no matter what the consequences. I’m really trying to find nice things to say about this movie but they really aren’t coming, so I’ll have a look at what we were thinking as we watched:

  • Fuck you Summit Entertainment!
  • Who needs dialogue when you have a crappy soundtrack?
  • Mouth-breathing really abounds in this little town.
  • There’s nothing more important than having a good work lamp.
  • It’s hard to look good in a wheelchair.
  • When he changes into a werewolf do you think it’s like those dogs who have no back legs and have to go around on wheels?
  • Who needs to look at their timetable in slow mo?
  • Why is everyone laughing?
  • What the hell’s an Olympic sized penis?
  • Inability to pour ketchup. Just wow.
  • And angsty Enya plays on…
  • No normal human being needs to breathe as much as Bella does.
  • That stare will destroy the universe.
  • If Edward kills her now we might just get out of this…
  • Edward suffers from severe bipolar disorder.
  • Apple Cheese. That is all.
  • Let the useless dialogue never abate!
  • Hair prosthetics for the win!
  • How come Edward did all the running but Bella’s out of breath?
  • Bella = battered woman’s syndrome + Stockholm syndrome.
  • Behold the lesser spotted squatting vampire.
  • Meanwhile, at IKEA headquarters…
  • Sleep isn’t that fascinating. Really.
  • Quickly, back to the travelator!
  • She just got thrown against a pillar AND STILL Bella’s face will not move.
  • Throw in one last squint stare for good measure and… The End.
Twilight-New-Moon-Image-05

Dear God no, looking at one of them is bad enough.

TWILIGHT: NEW MOON

Year of Release: 2009
Genre: Drama / Fantasy
IMDB Rating: 4.5 / 10
Level of Awful: Requires Post-Film Lobotomy

If Twilight taught us the importance of going to outlandish extremes to keep our man, then New Moon teaches us the fundamental importance of self-destructive behaviour when that relationship burns itself out spectacularly. This was also the movie that introduced werewolves into the ‘storyline’.

The werewolves, and particularly Bella and Jacob’s relationship, did get me thinking though. Maybe things are different in small town America, or maybe it’s just cynicism that comes with being in my mid-20s, but if a girl came up to me and told me that she had met this amazing guy with long, luscious hair and a ripped body who liked to run around the woods shirtless and in short shorts with a bunch of other guys in similar attire, I would caution her against such a relationship. Not because there’s anything wrong with it, but just because that kind of relationship doesn’t tend to go very far. But anyways…

  • Fuck you Summit Entertainment!
  • No one suspects the Inquisition!
  • Here, have a shitty onion ring weaver bird nest dream catcher.
  • I found it while I was rummaging through your private stuff.
  • Damned – like in Hell.
  • Come on, let’s go for YET ANOTHER walk.
  • If this is about my soul, then you can just bloody well take the damn thing.
  • It’s not the best colour on her, but desperation is the only colour Bella owns.
  • The Return of Angsty Enya.
  • By the sounds of things, someone’s murdering swine.
  • Self-destructive lunacy is the best kind of lunacy.
  • Hallucinations can be problematic.
  • Bitch, have you seen these guns?
  • Twilight: New Moon presents: RuPaul’s Drag Wolves.
  • What the hell is she screaming about now?
  • It’s not gay if it’s in a 3-way.
  • Jorts for Jesus!
  • Mouth-breathing in the rain.
  • I will kill you fastly!
  • They transformed into guinea pig wolves.
  • The wolf’s out of the bag, so to speak.
  • Don’t fill up on bread!
  • He has the capacity to brutally kill me – I must have him.
  • Even MORE life-threatening behaviour.
  • He’s like his own sun, in that it hurts to look at him.
  • Come over here while I firmly friend zone you.
  • Oh, it’s a beautiful day for some recreational suicide.
  • The most uneventful reunion EVER.
  • It’s like watching a gay vampiric version of X-Men.
  • Have twitchy dreams and crazy eyes!
  • Let me just friend zone you one more time and… The End.

TWILIGHT: ECLIPSE

DO IT!!!

DO IT!!!

Year of Release: 2010
Genre: Drama / Fantasy
IMDB Rating: 4.8 / 10
Level of Awful: Requires Post-Film Lobotomy

Now, here’s the other thing that pisses me off about the Twilight movies: they’re brilliant at taking good, solid concepts of vampiric lore and turning them into absolute crap. I present, for your consideration, Eclipse‘s rogue vampire, Victoria, starting a whole new brood of vampires that she will lead as an army. Sounds pretty cool, right?

Well, it isn’t. Victoria’s raising said army to go after Bella because her boyfriend and Edward got into a little scrap back in the first movie and her boyfriend ended up as a pile of dust. Pretty lame, right? Well, add this to it: according to these movies, vampires are at their very strongest just after they have turned, and vampires effectively become weaker as they age. Then what the hell’s the point? And then there’s all the usual self-destructive behaviour and the banal love triangle of Bella, Jacob and Edward to enjoy for two hours. Joy.

  • Fuck you Summit Entertainment!
  • The flowers are blossoming like her womanhood.
  • Getting tired of these pseudo-visions.
  • Behold the world’s most epic quilt!
  • Cue a pseudo-Metallica quote.
  • Bella’s kind of like Switzerland but without the fun.
  • Dull history lesson is exceptionally dull.
  • Pretending to act.
  • Those mountains have definitely been green screened.
  • You can still see the green screen around her hair.
  • Lamest movie yet.
  • Misdirected youth for the win!
  • EVEN MORE STARES!
  • Them Sireens did this to me!
  • She pulled the strings and he danced.
  • Bring on the awkward sex scene!
  • No sex scene.
  • He’s 109 years old and needs her father’s permission. Because he’s old school like that.
  • I’ll secure the area! But not tonight…
  • Edward suffers from chronic constipation.
  • I have no body heat – I feel so inadequate.
  • Are those polystyrene rocks?
  • Fangs? Fangs now? Fangs never…
  • A three-movie long vendetta? LAME!
  • Heat apparently burns morphine.
  • Bella literally stumbles through her life.
  • She wants to do it right.
  • She gets given a costume jewellery ring.
  • Fuck you Stefenie Meyer!
  • The End.
You know you need a tan when you're more see through than water.

You know you need a tan when you’re more see through than water.

TWILIGHT: BREAKING DAWN PART 1

Year of Release: 2011
Genre: Drama / Fantasy
IMDB Rating: 4.8 / 10
Level of Awful: Requires Post-Film Lobotomy

You know, these movies make very little sense at the best of times, but this one really did take the biscuit. You’re young, you’re in love, and you’ve been saving yourself for just the right guy before you decide that he’s the one who’s going to make you a woman – I can totally respect that. But of all the reasons in the world to wait until you’re wedding day, you hold off because he just might fuck you to death? If someone could ACTUALLY do that, I’d be all over them like it was no one’s business.

That aside, this is when the movies start getting ‘serious’ – Bella EVENTUALLY marries Edward, they screw like awkward bunnies and break several beds, she can somehow still walk, and then she falls pregnant with a child that slowly consumes her. Had this been any other movie this plot might actually have stood a chance of being interesting, but it’s Twilight so it really wasn’t.

  • Fuck you Summit Entertainment!
  • Yet more terrible green screen.
  • Dat angst is back with an almighty vengeance.
  • Surely movie 4 is a bit late to do full disclosure?
  • Every one keeps telling Bella she’s beautiful. STOP LYING TO THE GIRL! She needs to face reality.
  • It’s a slut-back wedding dress.
  • Jacob calls no take backsies!
  • Shittest. Speeches. Ever.
  • Yet another Volvo rolls onto the scene.
  • The Volvo just out acted the entire cast.
  • Rio – a city built on whoredom.
  • Even sex has to be angsty.
  • “I promise I’ll try” – try what?
  • Chess is so much more fun when you play it on honeymoon.
  • Mmm… delicious, uncooked chicken.
  • Angsty Enya’s still hanging in there.
  • There’s nothing more romantic than delicate stomach caresses.
  • A phone doesn’t need a dial tone to make a call.
  • Suddenly, a very pregnant Bella appears.
  • The love triangle is only justified if she lives.
  • Talking wolves = cheese.
  • Welcome to IKEA Headquarters Remastered.
  • I feel an unepic showdown on the horizon.
  • Bella’s not really close to death, she just doesn’t have makeup on.
  • Everything’s fun when you soft science with a bendy straw.
  • His ‘venom’? Sure, if that’s what you wanna call it…
  • Bella as a corpse is better acting than Bella alive.
  • Werewolves – foiled by tree climbing.
  • Werewolf laws are very convenient.
  • Epic montage is unepic!
  • Fuck you Bill Condon!
  • The End.

TWILIGHT: BREAKING DAWN PART 2

Amazonian vampires? Should've been cool. Wasn't.

Amazonian vampires? Should’ve been cool. Wasn’t.

Year of Release: 2012
Genre: Drama / Fantasy
IMDB Rating: 5.7 / 10
Level of Awful: Requires Post-Film Lobotomy

Now, after just over 8 hours of pain, we arrived at the final chapter of the Twilight ‘saga’. While all of the movies raised a few questions, this one just baffled me. So, Bella gives birth. Question: Edward’s 110-years-old, has no blood, no pulse, he doesn’t breathe, and he doesn’t blink, but somehow he has viable sperm. Really? Secondly, Jacob finally learns why he hasn’t been able to imprint on anyone (i.e. pick his mate) – he was waiting for Bella and Edward’s baby, Renesmee (which, to be honest, is a shit name for a child) so that he could imprint on her. Now, where I come from, that kinda thing is illegal and may well get you lynched.

The saddest thing about this movie, though, is that it was about as close to being epic as this series was ever going to get. It had one whelming battle scene that turned out to be nothing more than a pseudo-vision, and a variety of vampires that should have been awesome but really weren’t. In short, this franchise closes on a decidedly ugh note.

  • Fuck you Summit Entertainment!
  • Selective sparkling is selective.
  • Bella’s back, and she’s in the mood for some violent PG 13 fondling.
  • Oh little deer, you are fucked.
  • Cougars just became slightly more endangered.
  • Barely inferred nipples.
  • Bella’s an even bigger bitch now that she’s dead.
  • What an impish looking child.
  • Suddenly, maternal instincts.
  • Loch Ness Monster = bad nickname.
  • He fell in love with a single ovum.
  • Here, we built and decorated a home in a single day for you.
  • I love our generic house from the Home Whore collection.
  • Breaking (nipple) Dawn.
  • Oh right, I still have a family.
  • Shirts for dresses = easy, whorish access.
  • Amazonian Vampires, now available with Naomi Campbell hair.
  • Amazonian Vampires, now available with LSD powers.
  • Tropical Mary’s elbow is a more amazing woman than anyone in this group.
  • Smell and taste can never be taken away from you!
  • Mentally, Bella has no mental.
  • Essentially Edward’s just telling her that she’s a shitty stripper.
  • Book burnings save the lives of vampires.
  • If it has a hydrangea on the table, you know it’s a classy restaurant.
  • Parental angst kicking in!
  • Bella just got out acted by a child.
  • The Gregorian Masters of Chant are invading!
  • We pitched a battle, and then didn’t have a battle.
  • This isn’t even remotely close to Sparta.
  • MOTHER FUCKING COP OUT!!
  • Just wasted 30 minutes of this movie’s runtime for an outcome of nothing.
  • Screw your future predictions.
  • FUCK ALL THESE FUCKING MOVIES!!
  • The End.

FINAL THOUGHTS

So, after over 10 hours of movie, many threats against my life, the Occult Specialist in visible pain and Tropical Mary eating her hair, we finally arrived at the end of the 5 Twilight movies. Now, I’m going to be fair – on a technical, academic level, I can totally see why this franchise is so popular amongst teenagers, especially quite young ones. The movies are just naughty enough without ever really exposing the viewer to anything that may be considered risqué.

Then there’s the angry side of me that sat through all these movies that has an entirely different perspective. But even putting anger and 10 wasted hours aside, these movies are just weak. Nothing in them is an inherently bad (or, to be honest, new) concept, but the execution is abysmal. None of the three primary characters are particularly strong actors, the romance is both strained and very unhealthy, the epic scenes are entirely unepic, vampire lore has been thrown out the window in favour of a glitter gun and the idea that the older a vampire gets, the more useless it becomes. Oh, and for the purposes of these movies, vampires don’t have fangs. I honestly cannot find a single redeeming feature about this franchise at all, and Lord knows I’ve really tried. As an  advocate for reading, I couldn’t even commend the series for getting kids to read again. Illiteracy would be a better option.

But enough of my complaining. Ultimate Movie Marathons are about two things: the prestige of saying that we watched an entire franchise in a single sitting, and some very scientific calculations about the content of the franchise. As I said earlier, breast and death counts would have been pointless in these movies, so we instead went for stares and men’s nipples. In total, over 5 movies with an approximate run time of 10 hours, different characters stared at one another 1517 times. That equates to roughly 2.5 stares for every minute of film. Equally, over the same amount of time, you will be exposed to 161 shots of nipples. That gives us a final stare-to-nipple ratio of 9.4:1.

In closing, I would like to take this opportunity to once again offer my sincerest apologies to my team. I am an educated man, and I should have known better than to think that this was a good idea. Nevertheless, a very big thanks to all of them for sticking by me through this little experiment, and I absolutely promise that I will have no say in the movies for the next UMM.

Another very big thank you to everyone who kept us going through the live tweeting madness, and to all of you who just read everything I wrote. It is much appreciated. Until next time! 🙂

HONEST TRAILER: TWILIGHT

HONEST TRAILER: NEW MOON

HONEST TRAILER: ECLIPSE

HONEST TRAILER: BREAKING DAWN

BUY THE TWILIGHT SAGA AT AMAZON.COM

Ghost Storm

Ghost Storm

Year of Release: 2012
Genre: Sci-Fi / Horror
IMDB Rating: 3.8 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium
Breast-O-Meter: 0 /5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

If there’s one thing that I’ve learned from the ungodly experiment that is the B-Horror Blog, it’s that anything the Asylum can do, Syfy can do a thousand times better (except for those few times when the Asylum makes the Syfy movie). They’re both good staples: The Asylum if you want a movie that’ll be easy to throw insults at, and Syfy if you want some guaranteed cheese. Ghost Storm will give you everything you need so far as cheese factor is concerned, and it even throws in a little soft science just to make the final product that little bit more saccharine-sweet. By the looks of things the people behind this movie had a fairly decent budget to play around with, and gradually these people seem to be coming to grips with making CGI monsters that aren’t so bad they’re insulting. I recommend hanging onto this one for one of those really rainy Sunday afternoons when you want to chase away the approaching Monday blues.

No good will possibly come from this.

No good will possibly come from this.

What is it in a teenager’s genetic structure that draws them to creepy cemeteries like moths to a porch light? Science should really look into that. Anyway, as you may have guessed, our story begins with a group of bored teenagers in a dark and spooky cemetery – during a lightning storm, no less. Wherever the hell their hometown is, it would appear to be on a tiny little island, so I guess you gotta get your kicks where you can. Everything’s going absolutely fine (guys scaring girls, ominous thunder) until a bolt of lightning strikes the memorial for the people who died during the town’s now-infamous mass-suicide. The lightning, through means I should check with my Occult Specialist, releases the angry spirits of the departed, who quickly go about turning one of the teenagers into a grey piece of human jerky.

Run Generic Background Character, Run!

Run Generic Background Character, Run!

Thankfully, Officer Dad (AKA Hal, father of Daisy, one of the girls that was out in the cemetery) is on the case. There must be a logical, rational reason why Daisy’s 18-year-old boyfriend’s corpse went from looking like the Crypt Keeper to being a pile of mulch in a matter of hours. Of course, the problem here is that they’re stuck on an island, and how exactly would you report this kind of incident to the authorities back on the main land? This of course is only the beginning of the town’s problems – you see, these aren’t your regular pissed off, vengeance-seeking ghosts. These ghosts are smart – why hunt individually when you can join together, form a supernatural storm system and blight the inhabitants of the island all the more faster?

Dammit, it'll take forever to get the Redrum off the windows....

Dammit, it’ll take forever to get the Redrum off the windows….

So, with the angry spirits swirling around the island in a giant, lightning-filled vortex, it’s up to Hal, ex-wife Ashley, and Daisy to come up with some kind of way to defeat the ghosts before they turn the entire town’s population into little piles of dust. They will be aided by a seafaring ghost hunter who happened to rock up on the island just as the storm formed. They will need a combination of a lot of random electrical equipment, some occultist knowledge, Ashley’s meteorological know-how, a lot of salt water, a fire extinguisher, an old diary with some town secrets, a weather balloon, a gun, a lot of jumper cables, some cans of silicon gel, half a dozen rolls of duct tape, an ancient talisman and a cellphone tower if they’re ever going to be able to stop these ghosts. Then, of course, there’s the mysterious old priest, and Ashley and Daisy’s old, but not forgotten, family history that ties into the whole affair…

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • Lightning storms are a tremendous turn on for randy teens.
  • The new iSpirit app is very useful for knowing when there are vengeful spirits in the area.
  • Exhuming bodies is nothing but good, small town fun.
  • It’s very expensive to build a machine that’ll let you speak to a storm cloud.
  • Salt water is the best thing to use to soak up spilled evil.
  • A good old-fashioned witch hunt usually eases the tension when you’re being held hostage by ghosts.
  • Always make sure that your ghost complies with regulatory electrical standards.

GHOST STORM TRAILER

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Shredder

Shredder

Year of Release: 2003
Genre: Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 4.4 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium
Breast-O-Meter: 0.5 /5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

There’s a special place for many kinds of movies in my heart: cheesy disaster movies, disastrous monster movies, monstrous 80s horror movies, but there’s also something very special about the early-2000s slasher movie. The harsh makeup, the proliferation of pseudo-lesbionic characters, the jocks with the bleach blonde hair and ebony eyebrows, the strange overuse of animal print – it all makes for a delightful assault on the eyes. Shredder doesn’t disappoint on any of these criteria. It reminds me of another classic I reviewed, Do You Wanna Know A Secret, but on ice. With a soundtrack that would rival the best porno, a decent assortment of sluts and bitches, and such riveting dialogue as “What country are you from?” “Europe”, I would thoroughly recommend giving this a watch if you’re in the mood for a good laugh.

Thank God, I thought I was the only one who bought that hat.

Thank God, I thought I was the only one who bought that hat.

The joys of being a 30-something college student with rich friends: you get to go to deserted ski resorts whenever the mood takes you. This is exactly what Kimberly Van Arx has in mind for the weekend – daddy wants to buy an old ski resort to further bolster the family’s already considerable assets, and she’s gonna go up and check the place out. She sells this to Cole, her boyfriend, as a romantic get away for the two of them, it’s just that two actually equates to seven people. But it’ll be fun! Plus, the more men that go along, the more chances Kimberly has of prancing around in the snow in a high-waisted, leopard print bikini, so it’s all for a greater good. Of course, none of these kids heed any of the traditional warning signs about going on such a holiday – things like all the locals in the bar creepily staring at them, the fact that the resort’s entrance has been bolted shut, and the fact that there’s a lot of brand new ski equipment in the lodge, with no owner around to be found.

I'll be good! I'll be good, I swear!

I’ll be good! I’ll be good, I swear!

But all of these things are trivial when the main goal is to get blind drunk, high as a kite, and bang more people than a hooker on payday. For Kimberly, the main goal will be to land Christophe, a blonde gentleman of some vague European abstraction that they picked up along the way. Sure, he won’t tell anyone where he comes from, he becomes oddly uncomfortable when the police are around, and he seems to know this area very well, but surely that doesn’t mean he’s up to anything shady, right? Then, of course, there are also the legends surrounding this resort, the story of the young girl who was killed in a snowboarding accident, and now her wrathful, angry spirit roams the mountain seeking her skiing revenge on any snowboarder she finds. But of course, that’s just a myth…

Now take two of these, get plenty of rest, and you'll be back on your feet in no time.

Now take two of these, get plenty of rest, and you’ll be back on your feet in no time.

But if it’s just a myth why are so many people in this little group landing up dead? And not snowboarding accident dead, like murdered by the mysterious skier dressed all in black dead. And apart from him, there’s also some extra kinds of weird going on around here. Like the random skiing chick who likes to ski naked or have men’s hands down her parka while sitting on the ski lift. And there’s her crazy father who keeps screaming on about the dangers of snowboarding. And what’s with all the pamphlets about the proper use of the skiing slopes? To these kids, very little of it matters – there’s sex and some extreme snowboarding to be had, so by the time they actually wake up to the fact that there’s a problem they’re already up to their necks in it. Well, at least the ones that still have necks are. It’ll take all their combined, underwhelming abilities to make it off this mountain alright and, if they’re lucky, one member of the group might just be that right combination of hardcore and bi-curious to get them all to safety.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • When going on a ski vacation, it’s essential that you pack enough bikinis.
  • Women peeing needs to be documented for future generations.
  • Smart kids carry their own jaws of life with them wherever they go.
  • European men speak only in innuendos.
  • With enough ass waving and a spare pair of knickers any sheriff will be putty in your hands.
  • It’s very dangerous for your blood/alcohol level to surpass 10.kajilion.
  • The best way for a man to thank a woman for saving his life is to invite her to a bisexual threeway.

SHREDDER TRAILER

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40 Days and Nights

40 Days and Nights

Year of Release: 2012
Genre: Sci-Fi / Action
IMDB Rating: 2.5 / 10
Level of Awful: High
Breast-O-Meter: 0 /5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

“When a colossal tectonic shift causes the sea level to start rising, a microbiologist gathers the DNA of as many species as she can, while the military creates an “ark” in a desperate attempt to preserve life on Earth.”

The Asylum and I have really got to stop meeting like this. Seriously, how many of the movies in my collection have their sneaky little paws behind it? Now, I was in the mood for a decent cheesy disaster flick, but this was too much. Above is the blurb for this movie taken directly from the Asylum’s website, which I feel needs to be addressed. Firstly, there was no tectonic shift, not on any of the 40 days this movie purportedly spans. Secondly, sea levels did not rise; at best we had a few isolated inland tidal waves. Thirdly, there is no way on God’s green Earth that that woman was a microbiologist. Fourthly, surely samples of 3 bees and a few moths doesn’t count as ‘DNA of as many species as she can’? Fifthly, no country has a military made up of 7 people. Sixthly, that wasn’t an ark, it was a strange train that floated. Seventhly, the DNA of 3 bees cannot preserve life on earth if you didn’t take any life with you onto the ark. So yeah, that about sums up how I felt about this movie, but I’m gonna do my usual review now to drive home just how daft it really was.

The script writer hasn't a clue what he's gonna do next...

The script writer hasn’t a clue what he’s gonna do next…

Jon and Tessa are such a lovely couple – you’ve never seen a 50-year-old man and a 19-year-old girl so madly in love. They’ve got a pretty good life too – they work for the super-secretive black-ops illuminati division of the US military, which means they’re very clever, very wealthy, and very well looked after. All that and as many rooftop picnics as they could ever dream of! What could possibly go wrong for a couple as spritely as this? Oh right, the world’s about to come to an end. How’s the world going to come to an end? Be damned if I know; all I saw were four drunken kids driving around the Sahara desert when a few thunder clouds appeared over head. Next thing they (and I) knew, there’s an enormous tsunami coming over the mountains and the whole desert’s submerged by an ocean of CGI water.

We have a CGI helicopter coming in for a hovering sir...

We have a CGI helicopter coming in for a hovering sir…

In what turns out to be the Asylum’s answer to 2012, a massive super storm is developing over Africa, and within the next few days it will cover THE ENTIRE PLANET. How this super storm started to develop we’re never going to know, but said super-secretive black-ops illuminati division of the US military has to come up with some way of saving at least a nominal portion of the American public (mainly the smart ones though). To do this they’ve decided to build an ark. The ark will be the world’s first live-saving sea vessel shaped like a dildo, and despite the fact they have to cram in 3 years work into a week to get the thing built, everyone’s fairly convinced that it can be done with relatively few screw ups. Oh, how they underestimated Mr Murphy on that one…

The world's largest water-resistant dildo.

The world’s largest water-resistant dildo.

Turns out there are a few hiccoughs to overcome before the ark can sail. Firstly, it’s powered by turbines built on completely theoretical technology that, despite being the size of a small cat, will harness the power of the waves and wind to generate enough electricity to keep it sailing for as long as they need. Surprisingly, there are a few problems getting these turbines working. Now, that’s Jon’s job. Tessa’s job is to collect DNA samples so that they can rebuild nature once the flood waters recede. Unfortunately a rock slide took out the train carrying all her samples, and now she has to go out into the wild to collect more before everything’s under water. And this is only the beginning of their troubles: once the ark sets out, who knows how long they’ll all be at sea? Who knows if the ark will be able to hold its own against the power of nature gone utterly berserk? In the end, none of it will really matter, since you’ll have been bored to tears long before the flood waters even cover your baby toe.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • If it means a quickie on a roof, saving humanity can just wait 15 minutes.
  • If it means a quick tussle under the sheets, then escaping the rising Biblical flood will also just have to wait.
  • There’s a lot more rain and wind in the eye of a super storm.
  • You can safely transport DNA samples in an empty Evian bottle.
  • The secret of human evolution, life, and all philosophical pursuits, ultimately lies with the humble moth.
  • Most ships can be rendered utterly useless with a simple power drill.
  • It’s easier to pistol whip someone than to answer a stupid question.
  • The lesser-spotted cave bee is a key player in upholding the planet’s various ecosystems.

40 DAYS AND NIGHTS TRAILER

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