WHAT IT’S ABOUT:
When myself and Tropical Mary get together for a movie night you know we’re gonna go hard hard h-h-h-hard. Throw in a Stygian Mole and the party’s never gonna stop! Since we were in such a hardcore partying mood Rave to the Grave was just a logical choice for the evening’s first movie 😉 Admittedly I haven’t seen the other Return of the Living Dead movies for about 10 years so, if there was any link to the earlier movies floating around in here, I didn’t know about it. I doubt that this is important since this movie has enough of its own daft silliness to distract you. Prepare yourself for brain-hungry zombies, zombie juice, zombie drugs and Krispy Kreme obsessed Interpol agents!
It’s good to see that the black market is still alive and thriving, and now’s as good a time as any to invest in barrels of Trioxin 5. The particularly powerful toxic agent turns people into zombies hungry for brains and there are a number of (presumably) Russians who want to get their hands on it to make sure that no one else is accidentally turned into a member of the walking dead. Thankfully an Eric Roberts look-alike just happens to have a few in his possession and is happy to sell them off if the price is right. The Russians, of course, are a practical people and have acquired the use of a morgue to do a little test run to see if the Trioxin is the genuine product. Four corpses later it turns out that the Trioxin really does work and one of the Russians, the Eric Roberts look-alike and a doctor of questionable morals lands up being broken open for brain snacks.
But too many Russians can make a movie a bit too serious, so we need to take this in a different direction. Off at college Jenny, Julian, Cody and Becky are planning a little rave for Halloween. Julian’s the nephew of the Eric Roberts look-alike and suffers from 3 and a half minutes of intense grief when he finds out about his dear uncle’s untimely death. While raiding the attic at the uncle’s house he discovers a very poorly concealed room behind a very poorly constructed false wall. In the room he comes across the barrels of Trioxin and takes it to Cody to be tested. When our DJ of the Asian persuasion samples a little of the strange contents and goes on a little trip Cody decides to drain the barrel and turn it into a drug to make a little extra cash. This, despite the fact that they have no idea what’s in the barrel, the barrel is military issue, it has a biohazard sign on it and a digital lock. These can’t possibly be warning signs after all…
Admittedly the Trioxin tablets, known as ‘Z’ to the hip druggie kids on the street, do send people on quite a trip when taken in small doses. Unfortunately, in the long run, it has the unpleasant side effect of turning the user into a walking corpse with a taste for brains. The transformation happens faster when the dosage is increased. Since raves are not the drug-free and safe-sex haven that some of us believe them to be a rather sizeable portion of the assembled party goers begins to turn and start looking for their next batch of brain noms. Human skulls seem to be reasonably simple to open so the zombies just go nuts and, since its Halloween, everyone else just thinks it’s awesome makeup until it’s too late. It’ll take everything Julian, Jenny and two Interpol agents dressed as lady vikings have in them to bring this terrible outbreak to an end.
LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:
- Women are prone to driving their cars into their swimming pools.
- Drunk college kids are not overly different to lemmings running off a cliff.
- Fivety-five is now considered a legitimate number.
- If you can’t trust you’re drug dealer you can’t trust anyone.
- Dragons are getting tighter.
- Brains are now located in the penis.
- Pieces of skull and a clump of hair counts as zombie roughage.
- The brain and the ear have major arteries running through them.
- The human skull has a little trapdoor at the back for easy brain access.
RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD: RAVE TO THE GRAVE TRAILER
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WHAT IT’S ABOUT:
Oh dear dear dear. First of all, before we even tackle the movie itself, I have a simple question: where the hell is the question mark at the end of the title? It really doesn’t bode well when the makers of the film couldn’t even get their title to be grammatically correct. Secondly, despite its somewhat I Know What You Did Last Summer cover this really is just one more poorly made slasher movie about bratty college kids in a heavily polluted ocean of poorly made slasher movies about bratty college kids. And last, but certainly not least, yes I would like to know a secret. With this suggestive title one might imagine that we would receive enlightenment about this great secret that drives the plot but sadly this is not the case. At least I don’t think it’s the case. If what happens at the end is the secret, then this movie is even lamer than if there wasn’t a secret.
But before I can begin telling you the wonderous magnificence of this movie we need some back story that the main plotline can be painfully birthed from later. A college student of the male persuasion is in his shabby chic little room (minus the chic bit) listening to music by the glow of a lava lamp when someone slips a note under his door. On the note the words ‘Do You Wanna Know A Secret?’ (see, how come they could put the question mark in here but not in the title? Continuity issues…) are emblazoned in giant red marking pen. Being a curious lad who would indeed love to know a secret he wanders out into the corridor looking for the person who so sneakily sent the note. The corridors are teaming with as much life as a zombie that’s been out in the sun for 10 years so he returns to his room to continue getting dressed. Just as he walks in a robed figure, emerging from the shadows, marches into the room armed with an axe and brutally murders him. In a touching moment the man lies there, his last seconds of life slipping away, clinging to the shattered photo of him and his girlfriend.
Now whilst all of this is very sad a year has passed and the one-time flame of the dead man needs to move on with her life. Now, what’s a square-faced girl fresh out of rehab, on very strong (what I’m assuming to be) antipsychotics and with a new piece of boy candy on her arm to do with her life? Oh yeah, that’s right: spring break (in winter) and debaucherous antics with her closest and bitchiest friends! So off Beth (ex of the dead man) and Hank (new boyfriend of the ex of the dead man) go to Florida to meet up with Tina (blonde slut), Nellie (Latina slut), Oz (token black guy) and Brad (token disturbed white bloke). When they arrive in Florida the world becomes their oyster; there are just so many fun things to do without parental supervision that the mind boggles. I mean this group are every bit as hardcore in their partying as Dorothy, Blanche, Rose and Sophia ever were. But something is about to go wrong. After disembarking from their boat after a night of boozing and cruising (don’t worry, there appears to have been a designated captain) Brad is killed by a robed man while tying up the boat.
Not that the death of their friend seems to have any major impact on the group, mind you. Assuming that Brad’s gone off on a bender or met up with a hooker the remaining group of friends press on with their binge and purge cycle of copious amounts alcohol in the evening followed by copious amounts of fruit juice in the morning. The fact that the words ‘Do You Wanna Know A Secret?’ are scrawled across Brad’s computer screen don’t even alert them to the fact that something might be wrong. It takes Beth actually seeing the robed and masked figure killing another man in a parking lot for her to realise that something is in fact wrong and that her life may be in danger. Unfortunately for her Florida seems to be filled with backwood hicks for policemen and they refuse to let her or her friends leave until they can figure out what’s going on. Even the FBI are powerless to do anything in the face of a local sheriff. But as the murderer reappears and mysteriously manages to keep breaking into their unlocked, doors-wide-open mansion and slowly kill them off one by one, the time must come for Beth to face her fears, figure out if she would perhaps like to know a secret and stop the killer before it’s too late.
LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:
- It’s quite common for women to experience 3 dreams in one while dealing with a tragic loss.
- In a bartering society women will often flash their breasts in exchange for a taco.
- Some people don’t realise that you need to turn a computer on before you can do anything with it.
- Discussing brutally slaughtered boyfriends tends to ruin a party mood.
- Non-bitchy women dream of growing up to become enormous bitches one day.
- The only thing stopping some women from going after the Pope is not knowing where Rome is.
- Some women don’t mind having their drinks spiked. To them it’s just a new experience.
- It’s unnatural for people to die while on vacation.
DO YOU WANNA KNOW A SECRET TRAILER
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