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Blood Sisters

Year of Release: 1987
Genre: Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 2.7 / 10
Level of Awful: High

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

To kick off my blast from the past 1987-themed movie month I felt that I should go all out and watch something that was both cheesy and filled with 80s ideas of promiscuity, prostitution and poltergeists. Thankfully everything I wanted was to be found in Blood Sisters, a delightful tale of a sorority initiation gone wrong bundled up in a wrapping of bad hair, chunky accessories and outfits that will make your eyes bleed. It’s one of those typical movies that couldn’t quite decide on whether it wanted to be a paranormal thriller or a slasher movie so it just throws both things together and explains neither.

The Ku Klux Klan's Women's Guild holds its weekly baking circle.

Deep in the forest, far away from the highway or the distractions of modern life, there exists a place where you can just get away from it all and forget all your worries: the local whore house. Here dozens of women wearing horrible undergarments and covered in so much makeup it would take a demolition crew to take it off are ready and willing to serve your every need, so long as the price is right. There are women for every man’s taste, so long as he doesn’t like them attractive. Business is thriving and the hookers are having a blast in their little hideaway, but somebody isn’t nearly as pleased with the fine work they do for their community. One day, in broad daylight, somebody sneaks into the house armed with a shotgun ready to put an end to this house of giggling delights. With the hookers dead and the local sex economy in a slump, the events of that day gradually begin to make their way into the local annals of urban legend and, it is said, that should you go into the old hooker house deep in the woods the spirits of the women still wander its halls in their trashiest finery, looking for young virgins to take as otherworldly lovers.

Even the mannequin wasn't prepared to put up with 80s fashion anymore...

When a whore house standing alone in the middle of the woods was once the scene of tragic events, both during its occupants lives and their untimely deaths, the place is virtually begging to host a sorority initiation. The local sorority made up of Greek letters thrown together at random has just finished shortlisting its very long list of pledges and is now ready to allow a new group of girls into its hallowed, bitchy halls. To prove that they will support one another as sisters and to prove that they are stable and mature individuals they must spend the night in the old abandoned whore house which the head sorority sister will have booby-trapped to try to scare them half to death and run out of the house like a banshee into the night. Test of maturity? Yeah, about that. So after a night of what looks like a primitive form of clubbing that takes up a good ten minutes of the movie the girls are blindfolded, put in a van and driven into the woods. From here they need to unpack, get comfortable, hear the story of what happened in the house and then go on a scavenger hunt to prove their allegiance to their would-be sorority house.

Mirrors are known to broadcast lesbian memories from the Other Side.

So now the house has been rigged up by a team of drunken jocks with a variety of things to scare the girls during their scavenger hunt: tapes of women screaming, babies crying, fake axes, a fake gun and so on and so forth. For a while everything is going fine as the girls go about finding random items on their lists. But then things start to get strange and the girls start seeing things, ghostly things. Strange women are wandering the halls while mysterious and sexy memories begin to play in the house’s mirrors. When it becomes apparent to the girls that the sounds that they’ve been hearing are just coming from things planted in the house to scare them they become more relaxed, but it certainly doesn’t explain the things that they’re seeing around them. When they start to be picked off one by one and cry out for help nobody comes looking for them, thinking that it’s simply another trap that’s been set off to scare them. The question to be asked, however, is what exactly is in the house with them? Are they really becoming the victims of hookers from beyond the grave or is something more sinister, more alive, stalking this old house with them?

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • It’s hard to distinguish between a cult meeting and sorority sisters just getting together.
  • Health food not only helps you to lose weight but it will also reverse the effects of degenerative eye disease.
  • Women find the memories of ghosts having sex with their favourite client highly arousing.
  • Ghostly memories are always accompanied by circus music.
  • The presence of ghosts is always accompanied by the sound of bell chimes ringing backwards.
  • Sarcasm and fear have no place in a haunted whore house.
  • Prostitutes who don’t give good head risk having the police shut their brothel down.

BLOOD SISTERS TRAILER

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Camp Blood

Year of Release: 1999
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 3.3 / 10
Level of Awful: High

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

*sniff sniff* What’s that? It smells like home… Aah yes, it’s a killer clown movie! A long time has passed since I last saw this dear old friend of mine and it felt about time for a visit. Of course when you want to do a catch up with someone you need some time to yourselves to chat and relax in each other’s company so I thought, ‘why not go camping?’ Of course, Camp Blood is beautiful at this time of year: the trees are in bloom, the birds are singing and the forest is teeming with life. It’s quite rustic, there aren’t any cabins and certainly no electricity, but thankfully it comes with its own killer clown built-in and fully operational. So let me tell you how this old friend of mine is doing…

Ronald McDonald after a bad McNugget binge...

Since it’s been such a long time since I last saw my friend the killer clown movie I had completely forgotten just how rough he can look sometimes. Not to say that he isn’t still scary looking (perish the thought), but the way he was put together in this particular instance was quite unsettling. Sometime between our last meeting and now his budget was slashed tremendously and the only way that he could be made was by some fool with a handheld camera and a few friends who had a free weekend. Sitting there watching him regale me with his story I felt a little bit queasy, not only because the camera was going a little all over the place but also because everything seemed to have either a slight green or yellow tinge (I must remember to pick something up for him so he can sort that out). After getting over that I was also struck by how old my friend the killer clown movie was looking in this particular manifestation since, although he was only born in 1999, he looked like he was brought into this world sometime in the mid-80s. I didn’t mention any of this to him since I thought it might bring down the mood of our little camping session, and nobody wants a sad killer clown movie crying over his toasted marshmallows, but I was feeling sorry for my friend even before he revealed his plotline to me.

Even in death my boobs are amazing!

After our toasted marshmallows me and my dear friend the killer clown movie sat down under the stars while he told me about this very bad plotline that he was being saddled with. In the very beginning, before the main plotline kicks in, we are briefly introduced to a guide and what I’m taking to be a nerdy tourist walking along the trails of Camp Blackwood, the official name for the area that the locals have dubbed ‘Camp Blood’. Suddenly, and for no apparent reason, a sex scene breaks out and our two minor characters are going at it as best they can while still wearing pants. After a beautiful love-making session of soft moans, delicate music and gentle caresses, the camp’s resident psychopath in a clown mask comes out from the undergrowth and proceeds to hack the two to pieces with his machete. Two hunters will come to the same fate while they attempt to hunt some deer to add to their trophy collection. At this point I can see that my friend the killer clown movie is a little embarrassed by what he’s telling me, so I decide that it’s time for some steaming hot chocolate to soothe our souls.

Time to hug it out and make up for the bloodshed.

With the hot chocolate finished we retired to our tent and began delicately spooning one another. Feeling that he was in a safe place my friend the killer clown movie began opening up to me about his main plotline. A group of 4 friends have decided to take a little camping trip up to Camp Blackwater to get away from it all. Along the way (well, after becoming lost and needing directions) they happen across a somewhat crazy town local (by definition I thought this meant that there needed to be a town nearby, but apparently I’m wrong) who warns them not to go near the old campsite because of The Clown. Not believing that some man is running around in the forest killing people they set off anyway and, once arriving at the camp and going wandering in the woods, they meet up with their burly lesbian guide who will show them how to get around and where to find the best place to get in touch with nature (i.e. have sex). During a campfire session involving ghost stories the guide expands on the old man’s story about The Clown, informing us that he is actually just a man who went a touch insane and killed two innocent people. Again the group doesn’t believe the story but, when they wake up in the morning to find the guide dead and a clown chasing after them, they need to pull all their wits together to try and make it out of Camp Blood alive.

We awoke the next morning in a gentle embrace to see the sun coming over the mountains and a single bird perched in a tree branch. My friend the killer clown movie seemed to be happier having gotten all of that off his chest and, after a long breakfast where we discussed the intricacies of life and Lady Gaga’s medical condition, we decided to head back to civilisation. I told him that I wasn’t sure when I would see him again but that, no matter what happened or how many b-movies I watched, he would always have a special place in my DVD collection.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • Forest sex is best done half-clothed with a piano and flute instrumental in the background.
  • Locals in small towns are always foul-mouthed lunatics.
  • Memories are usually repeated over a megaphone.
  • Why wait for a guide when you can go into strange woods blind?
  • Lesbian camping guides are very heavy-handed with their customers.
  • Heavy foreplay is often a sign that a woman just wants to cuddle.
  • After sex women like to sleep in their bras and jeans.
  • When helping an injured person walk you should always support the leg that’s working fine.

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Final Exam

Year of Release: 1981
Genre: Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 3.9 / 10
Level of Awful: High

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Watching this movie proves that one should never have an inspired moment. Having written an exam on Latin, an old language, I thought I’d watch Final Exam, an old-ish movie. The connecting thought? Wait for it… wait for it… an exam 🙂 And it’s been such an education, both in terms of life’s lessons learned and general 80s-ness. For example, movies in the 80s didn’t have to have a point! This must’ve made things so much easier when it came to trying to piece random scenes together: if it doesn’t have to go anywhere, you can pretty much do anything you want. That said, the one definite aspect of this movie that stands out is that it’s very Halloween-esque. Original? No. Decent slasher movie? Hell no! Welcome to the B-Horror Blog!

The death of a jock...

Now, admittedly, I come from a country where the universities don’t include the Greek system and initiations are mostly prohibited, so the first 50 minutes of the movie in that sense were a little bit lost on me. Not one to shy away from a challenge, I’m going to do my best to describe this quasi-character development section of Final Exam. I only remember two of the characters’ names, so let’s start with them: there’s Courtney, a bookish creature busy studying for her final exam before going home for the holidays. She’s not a sorority sister but has plenty of slutty friends who are, and they have a joyous time together talking about various things and admiring the powers that boobs have over men. Next is Radish (I don’t understand the thought here), a super-intelligent young man with the social skills of a wet door mat and an obsession with psychopaths with a gun and a good aim. The rest of the characters are rather generic: blonde jock, brunette jock, jockish frat boys, blonde slutty girl and sickly sweet slutty blonde girl. And of course there’s the killer, the slasher first seen by Courtney through her window while she’s trying to study (Laurie Strode? Michael Myers? Anyone?). What does our killer look like? He’s got a spine of iron, a big knife, no mask and a haircut that makes it look like he has a mushroom on his head.

The death of a nerd...

Right in the beginning of the movie we have our first kill: a young couple about to get in on in the guy’s car. The trailer tells us that the killer “has come back” – where he’s come back from is information the audience wasn’t deemed important enough to know, so why he’s there or what the plan is is really up to our imaginations. The next wave of action involves blonde & brunette jock and their band of jockish followers driving onto campus in balaclavas and faking a mass-shooting for shits and giggles. This is important since it ensures that the obnoxiously small-town sheriff won’t rock up later when things really go wrong, leaving the kids alone and defenceless. In the meantime Blonde Slutty Girl is sleeping with one of her professors and Sickly Sweet Slutty Blonde Girl is falling in love (Truly, Madly, Deeply) with one of the fraternity’s pledges. Along the way there’s also a fat coach who thinks that the shooting was hilarious and a campus security guard / policeman who’s very protective of his turf. They aren’t important at all and don’t really do anything except fill up space on the screen.

The death of sexy...

The major killing spree begins during some complicated fraternity ritual that involved tying our pledge to a tree, stripping him down to his underwear, covering him in shaving cream and shoving ice down his crotch. His whiny girlfriend is then meant to come and save him to ensure that the frat house doesn’t experience any ugly romances. Thankfully, to put me out of my confusion, our killer cuts the pledge free, scales the tree in seconds and then jumps down again to kill him just before killing the girl. He then goes after blonde jock who, at the time, was trying to steal painkillers to sell to stoners. Next is brunette jock who wants to know where the painkillers are. The final unimportant kill is the blonde waiting for her professor while draped in a silk sheet. With the sheriff unwilling to come and investigate what he thinks is another prank call its now up to Radish to try and protect Courtney from the clutches of the lunatic killer out to get her for no particular or obvious reason.

This movie was confusing, and to illustrate this point I want to end off this review with a quote from Sickly Sweet Blonde:

“I’m still happy. It’s just that I’m depressed.”

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • A real lady only has sex in a car if the top is up.
  • 2 deaths and suddenly you have a mass-murderer on your hands.
  • Coding your affair in academic jargon makes it less sleazy.
  • The stupidity of frat boys is surpassed only by the stupidity of their pledges.
  • A sheriff is powerless in the face of a college coach and a security guard.
  • Only bland girls have the sense to use blunt force when necessary.

FINAL EXAM TRAILER

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