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Cannibal Hookers

Year of Release: 1987
Genre: Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 2.2 / 10
Level of Awful: Requires Post-Film Lobotomy

MUSIC!

Jan Sterling – Angel Fire

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

I don’t know why, but usually when I have a great idea of some kind I end up regretting it deeply. The idea here was, as the last review for 1987 month, I had to go all out; there had to be at least one ‘Requires Post-Film Lobotomy’ review so that I could say this little experiment was a success. If that idea ever occurs again I hope someone will have the strength of conviction to take my laptop and beat me over the head with it because THIS WAS HORRIBLE! It has earned the high distinction of being one of the absolute worst movies I have ever seen, and the joke is it was only 67 minutes long. Whereas some movies, say Aerobicide for example, were painted with the 80s, in Cannibal Hookers the 80s walked in and threw up over everything. It’s just one gigantic mess from beginning to end and words cannot actually describe the true awfulness of this movie. But without words there would be no review, so I’m gonna give it a try anyway 🙂

By the gods, someone rip my eyes out and throw them in bleach!

Hillary is a rebel with an overbearing WASP of a mother who disapproves of her friends and the awful influence they have on her. All of these friends are actually only Deedee, a young lady who looks like a rebel but is actually quite quiet and sweet. Both girls, however, feel that they need some independence and as we all know the only place you’re ever gonna find that kind of thing is by joining a sorority house. But this isn’t any sorority house mind you, this is Gamma Zeta Beta, the sluttiest sorority on campus! Where this campus is we’re apparently never gonna find out, but if there’s a sorority house I assume it has to be attached to something. Because Hillary and Deedee rocked up to the initiation meeting (at the house of the head sister’s grandmother by the looks of things) late they have an extra special task to perform before being allowed in: they have to pose as hookers and attract a client. When they get the client and bring him back to another house they’ll be let in.

This place is an 80s mess! Clean it up NOW!

If running this blog has taught me anything it’s that nothing involving a sorority initiation will ever work out well, and why should Gamma Zeta Beta be any different? There’s a reason these ladies are so slutty and willing to go home with anything: in addition to being highly intelligent students at a leading university they’re also a blood cult. How this all works is a little hazy but it involves a lot of thongs, a lot of saggy asses, an occasional axe, the head sorority sister sleeping with a skull on her crotch and a mentally touched ogre named Lobo. Anyways Hillary and Deedee are out on the street and having some difficulty attracting tricks so they manage to sucker some of Hillary’s boyfriend’s friends into playing along so that they can get into the sorority and then go home. One thing leads to another and one of the friends lands up having his heart ripped out of his chest and smeared all over a woman’s breasts. Of course the story wouldn’t be horribly convoluted enough if we didn’t throw one last little thing into the mixture: while the women of this cult only want the internal organs of men to feast upon, biting another woman helps to spread the quasi-vampiric disease that’s affecting them. Will Hillary and Deedee manage to escape from the clutches of this terrifying cult? How many sleazy lives will be lost in their pursuit for eternal beauty? Does any of it really matter? No, no it doesn’t…

I couldn’t find a trailer for this movie so instead I’m including a clip from it. Might just give you a little insight into the horror that is Cannibal Hookers!

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • An axe handle fits quite comfortably in a hooker’s crack.
  • A man will put up no resistance when a hooker bites his finger off.
  • Being the sluttiest sorority on campus takes hard work.
  • There’s no difference between a sorority and a whore house.
  • Being unpopular is no different to being gang raped by nazis.
  • For some people sex involves nothing more than remaining completely clothed and rolling your head around a lot.
  • Anything that happened over a week ago is ancient history.
  • Hookers are violently territorial and will resort to disembowelment if necessary.
  • It is necessary for hookers to wake up seductively.
  • Advice to new hookers: stay away from bisexuals, watch out for pimps and always charge extra for blowjobs.

CANNIBAL HOOKERS: HILLARY & HER MOM

Fist of the Vampire

Year of Release: 2007
Genre: Horror / Action
IMDB Rating: 2.4 / 10
Level of Awful: High

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

The phrase ‘sweet baby Jesus what just happened?’ can be thrown around a lot when you watch the kind of things I watch, and I feel that I’d by lying if I said I could tell you what was happening in this movie because I really can’t. I’d like to place most of the blame on the man in charge of carrying the microphone boom around (assuming the budget allowed for such a person) since he just couldn’t seem to muster the energy to follow the ‘actors’ around, so following the dialogue was incredibly difficult. The problems this movie faces are far too numerous to list (I like to keep my posts under 1000 words 🙂 ) but what I did manage to take from this movie is that anything, and I mean ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING, is apparently better if we film it in front of a green screen. I know this was intentionally done because I don’t believe the budget didn’t allow for filming in a park so there’s a stream of consciousness I’ve missed along the way somewhere, but I don’t have time to look for the paddle to go looking for the stream so I’m just gonna do my best to decipher this movie.

Oh dear, she's AB negative intolerant...

Right, now let’s face our initial challenge head-on: who the fuck is everyone? The only name that actually stuck with me is Lee Southward, our main character. Lee’s buff and butch and a cop with feminine dishes, granny linen and a dubious taste in women. Next is Officer Baksteen (actual name unknown – Baksteen is Afrikaans for ‘brick’. This sounds cooler and makes sense when you see his teeth) who seems to be Lee’s boss or something to that effect who gives Lee all of his assignments. After him is another cop that I will refer to as Life Insurance Guy because he just looks like the sort that would come door-to-door selling life insurance. Lee, Officer Baksteen and Life Insurance Guy all share one cellphone since the budget didn’t seem to stretch far enough for everyone to have their own phone. Added to this group of unmanly manly men is an unfortunately toothed female cop. These are the good guys. The bad guys are three vampires: Fat Vampire, Blonde Vampire and Slutty Bitch Vampire. These three are somehow involved in a 1977 family killing, being ring leaders in an underground fight club and generally being involved in drug deals and illicit prostitution. Baksteen & Co. are in charge of hunting down this group of miscreants, but obviously are unaware of the fact they are dealing with creatures of the night. And vampires.

A vampire's greatest weakness is the spot between the nipple and the shoulder.

So the vampires are running this underground fight club with the drugs and the prostitutes and a somewhat dimwitted fight audience when Lee comes in, posing as a fighter, to attempt to find out what’s going on and how best to bring these people to justice. What this has to do with the 1977 murder that we’re told about earlier is only vaguely alluded to later (in green screen). In amongst indecipherable scenes of 70s style pimps, a fat Hulk and some of the most horrible boobs you have ever seen (they’re either on the floor or so pointy they could take someone’s eye out) plans are made with hookers and fight nights are held on the beach that look like a cross between Survivor and Gregorian Masters of Chant. All that I know for certain is that as Lee gets closer to finding out who and what the vampires are and as the body count (gradually) begins to rise, the vampires get increasingly more and more pissed off. Bitch fights happen, punches are thrown and green screens are used in every possible way to build up to the most un-climactic ending whose only redeeming feature is that it marks the end of 93 minutes of torture.

As with Torment I really wish there was more I could leave you with, but I was so lost during this movie I needed a map to find my way back to reality. But I would recommend it for a laugh, especially when you get to see the entire 2 man film crew in Officer Baksteen’s sunglasses right near the end.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • A vampire’s basic cellular structure is made up of fishnet stockings.
  • Breaking into a house is best done in killer heels.
  • Bullets will ricochet off DVD covers, carpets, fridge doors, cupboards, boots and other guns.
  • Walking closely to a wall means that, even if you are wearing luminous pink, people can’t see you.
  • The police force clearly doesn’t cover any dental work that may need to be done.
  • Machine guns do about as much damage as a rabid rat at close range.
  • Nobody can stalk a vampire like a seasoned hooker.
  • Sometimes a thong becomes so buried you shouldn’t even try to retrieve it.

Fist of the Vampire Trailer

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