WHAT IT’S ABOUT:
As someone with siblings, I know how important it is that all children should be dealt with fairly and equally. Because of that, I knew I couldn’t watch 12/12/12 and just ignore its slightly older sibling, hence me suffering through 11/11/11. I will say that this movie isn’t as ludicrously put together as 12/12/12, but oddly enough that isn’t actually a saving grace for this film. Whilst 12/12/12 was so bad that I was reduced to laughing like a crazy person, 11/11/11 is nothing more than an hour-and-a-half of tedium that makes you want to bash your head against the wall. As the Asylum’s answer to 11-11-11 (see how clever they were in making sure the name of the movie was different), this movie combines elements of The Shining, The Omen, Misery, and any number of possessed children films, but sadly does not have the budget or the people with the technical know-how to pull any of it off. I wouldn’t recommend this to anyone who may be prone to throwing things at TV sets when a movie becomes frustrating.
The Vales are just the most wonderfully dull family you’ve ever met. Jack, the dad, is a professor of something and is moving his family to a new town to take up a job at the local university. Melissa, the mom, is decidedly bland and doesn’t really contribute much to the film outside of her ability to run to things, look shocked, and then run back. Nat, their son, is (partially) mute and doesn’t do an awful lot of talking. Why? I don’t know, but apparently it adds to the suspense and the DOOM! that’s about to rain down on all of us. What the name of the town they’ve moved to is I don’t know either, but as a general warning just don’t go there. Everyone’s a Stepford Paedophile and, somehow, Nat’s the only kid in town, so you can imagine how they’re all flocking to see him…
After the family’s moved in it quickly becomes apparent that they have a little problem: along with the Stepford Paedophiles, they also have a run-of-the-mill Crazy Cat Lady living next door who seems more than a little interested in the fact that Nat will be 11 on the 11th of November 2011. She also seems to be quite free in handing out poisoned lemonade. Then there’s Nat’s Nanny, the poor man’s Megan Fox, who seems to be quite comfortable showing Nat the best way to set a butterfly on fire and how to do malicious damage to private property. Not that Jack notices any of this: he’s too busy hiring nurses to look after his pregnant with pre-eclampsia wife and working at the town’s one-room university. And then there’s all the townsfolk who keep staring through the windows and getting together in the back of the minivan…
So what has all of this got to do with the price of eggs? The Lord alone knows, but therein seems to lie the problem. It would appear that the entire town’s population of 7 are Satanists, and due to his birth date and some bizarre prophecy I wasn’t paying attention to back in 2011 Nat is going to be Satan’s ticket into our world. Whilst the towns people represent the forces of evil, the Crazy Cat Lady represents the forces of good: if she manages to kill Nat before his birthday, the apparently not so omnipotent Devil can’t take over the world, but if she fails to kill him its all going to get a bit hairy for us down here. It’s all up to Jack to try and save the world and his son, which to be quite frank means that we’re probably all boned. Melissa will contribute to this battle by moaning a lot and occasionally slapping her nurse, but ultimately it all comes down to Nat. Can an 11-year-old partially mute kid with clear anger issues ward off the Devil himself? Which and be underwhelmed to find out!
LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:
- Families bond best when they run down an opossum/cat hybrid.
- Little orange tabby cats can freely change their sex at will.
- Demon spawn are far more accurate than any pregnancy test on the market.
- Painting gutters is always easier when you use a hammer.
- It’s quite common for doctors to drug a woman in early pregnancy up to the eye balls.
- In their attempts to get new jobs, prospective nannies are more than willing to kill off the competition.
- Butterflies are highly flammable creatures.
- Apocalyptic prophecies are now being distributed as children’s books – because it’s never too early to know when the world’s gonna end.
- Giving a child cereal is a decent punishment for walking around the house with a butcher’s knife.
- Small-town cults usually hold their meetings in mini vans.
- Nothing is more powerful than a mother’s drug-addled, demented frenzy.
BUY 11/11/11 AT AMAZON.COM
WHAT IT’S ABOUT:
Well, um, uh, the thing is you see… Actually, I have no idea. I guess when the movie’s title is Vampire Whores From Space, that’s kind of the whole point. I rounded up the entire Movie Marathon crew for this and for the next 75 minutes we all huddled in Tropical Mary‘s lounge staring at the TV in an alternating state of confusion, disgust, shock and disbelief. Clearly made with a handheld video camera by 4 or 5 friends (and let’s not forget the original music by Pinky Gutterwhore), this film was utterly atrocious. I’m not sure what I was expecting but I’m still a little fragile after watching it. It’s also the first movie I’ve ever reviewed where I don’t have any Life’s Lessons Learned because, to be quite honest, I didn’t have the foggiest clue what was going on at any stage of the movie. Read on and you’ll see why.
This unrelenting pile of crap begins with a news report (filmed with a white sheet as the backdrop) where a field reporter is out investigating the claims of a redneck something or other that the fields are alive with the sound of intergalactic vampire whores. Said redneck something or other and a friend of his may very well in fact have discussed this with the reporter but, since the guy in charge of handling the mic just couldn’t be bothered to move two feet forward, we’re just never going to know. Despite the fact that the redneck has already seen the vampire whores (or maybe this is a flashback, I’m not sure) we suddenly are given a glimpse of Dracula’s mistress’s ship crashing into a forest. My bet is that it took 99.9% of the film’s budget to get someone to animate the ship for the 30 seconds it’s on the screen. Surviving the horrendous crash a posse of the ugliest whores you’ve ever seen emerges from the wreckage and, armed only with their fangs and the word ‘suck’, they’re ready to drain the blood of every single person in town (which you never see).
After the crash landing we are violently thrown into an intense scene where a man with the IQ of a hotdog bun decides to take his dog for a walk to investigate the strange thing that just fell out of the sky. You know something’s not quite right with him since he’s shouting to parents that clearly aren’t there and he’s never able to keep his dog on him for more than 3 seconds but, since he’s apparently the male lead in all of this, we’re gonna follow him anyway. Whilst out walking he bumps into some female whose hair is so greasy she could stock entire oil refineries with what’s coming off it. Immediately there’s some strange kind of bond formed between the two that I’m guessing was meant to be sexual magnetism but is really more like watching two five-year-olds fight over who baked the better mud pie. They’re attacked (and I use this word in its loosest sense) by the vampire whores but make a daring get away back home where they try to figure out how to stop the marauding and sexually promiscuous aliens.
Things weren’t good up until this point, but then the movie took a sudden and horrifying turn for the worse. Ignoring the vampire whores for the greater part of the movie we are introduced to the chief of police (who looks like he’s 12) out in the forest digging up a dead body. Chances are being the chief of police would help you cover up this crime if only you didn’t stop whenever you saw another human being along the road, get out of the car, and tell them what it is you’re doing. Hot Dog Brain at one point gets his Grease Monkey pregnant and performs a back alley abortion and she spews out a very small pig (no really, it’s actually a pig). Grease Monkey develops some kind of oozing rash on her ass (which we’re told tastes funny), but whether or not she ever overcomes this particular obstacle remains a mystery. The FBI become involved in the investigation and then die at the hands (or fangs) of the vampire whores. The vampire whores’ pimp rocks up and challenges everyone to a dance off to see which species will become the all-powerful overlords of the known universe. The dance scene that follows presents us with absolute proof that the human species has no right to be at the top of the food chain. Some more stuff happens, and then it ends.
With all this insanity in mind I’d also like to point out that for the greater part of the movie the film crew is highly visible and I’m fairly sure that some of the scenes were recorded on something similar to a Blackberry’s camera. I have no words.
VAMPIRE WHORES FROM OUTER SPACE TRAILER
BUY VAMPIRE WHORES FROM OUTER SPACE AT AMAZON.COM
WHAT IT’S ABOUT:
If running this blog has taught me anything it’s that there’s a lot of crap out there to watch. 9 out of 10 times IMDB serves as a very useful tool for knowing just how much of a shit storm I’m walking into, but then there’s that very rare time when its rating (in my opinion) is wrong. It happened with Bikini Girls on Ice and now it’s happened with Bloodlines; this movie was actually a lot of fun. Granted it didn’t have the most amazing budget and in some of the effects it does show, but I will give props to the makers of this film for actually trying to make a decent movie rather than some piece of crap with a shitty title (*cough* Monsturd *cough*). The actors are more than capable in their roles, the storyline is a good one and overall, if this kind of movie is your thing, it provides a very solid hour-and-a-half’s worth of entertainment. Now, when you read my review, I want you to do so with a southern accent. It makes it a lot more fun 🙂
So we’re out in the middle of fuck-off nowhere where a group of inbred nut jobs are in the process of conducting a little breeding experiment. Realising that their gene pool has become a little shallow they’ve decided that the best thing to do is introduce some fresh blood. To do this they’ve been very busy trawling the countryside abducting young women whenever they happen to come across one. The head of the family rapes the women and waits to see which ones fall pregnant. Those that do land up being with child are kept in captivity for a further 9 months until they go into labour, at which point the matriarch collects the latest edition to the family, and by collect I obviously mean rip the mother open and pull the baby out. This is how lil ol’ Billy Bob came into the world of the Hackford family.
25 years later and very little has changed. The Hackford family, through its somewhat unethical breeding programme, has managed to increase its number somewhat, but there’s still the odd little bundle of horrendously mutated joy running around. The time has come for the family to once again start introducing some new blood into the line or risk producing too many mutated offspring that the Hackford name can no longer be saved. They’ve managed to capture a few girls so far, and the latest edition, and the heroine of our little story, is Amber Lynn, a delightfully southern girl who’s on her way to begin college life. Unsure of herself, she’s spurred into going by her two brothers who promise to look after the family home they inherited when their parents died until she gets back. Along the way the Hackfords manage to capture Amber Lynn and she’s taken to their home in the middle of the woods, leaving brothers Brody and Bear worried sick about their baby girl and what might possibly have happened to her.
The updated breeding plan is actually quite clever. First off the Hackfords capture several girls and keep all of them as possible candidates to be human incubators. Once they’ve gathered up enough of these candidates the whole family is summoned to the house and an improvised arena is set up in the lounge. Two girls are then pitted against one another in gladiatorial style combat and must fight one another to the death. This is to weed out any weak women amongst the group of captives and the survivor is then taken away. Billy Bob, as the new head of the family since his father is ill, is in charge of all of this and is responsible for impregnating the victors. When it comes to Amber Lynn, however, this family has bitten off far more than they can chew. Having already attempted an escape 5 minutes after being taken captive this girl puts her many years of outdoors experience and hunting training (and, by the looks of it, she killed the bears with her bare hands) to work, hurting anyone who gets in her way. Her mama and papa done raised her right though, and she’s more than willing to help out the other girls and get them out as well. And then there’s her two brothers, mountains of manliness out looking for their sister with a lot of muscle and a great aim with a crossbow. Things for the Hackfords are about to get really, really messy.
Maybe it’s just because I’m a sucker for southerners, but I really did enjoy this movie. As I said the effects in places weren’t great, but at its core it’s a good movie that has been incredibly well made for its budget with people who can actually act. It’s a rare find in the world of a b-horror junkie.
LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:
- Every hopelessly inbred family needs at least one Billy Bob in it.
- Eating a good set of hacked-off nipples ensures that a child will grow up to be healthy.
- The greatest bonds between women are those forged while being part of an incestuous family’s breeding programme.
- Blonde women in pink tracksuits tend to make bad escape buddies.
- Breaking someone’s arm in such a way that the bone sticks out tends to make them a lot more co-operative.
- Trapped Women Gladiatorial Combat is a grossly under-reported sport.
- Women having sex with their brothers don’t want him having sex with other women. It’s wrong.
- Men having sex with their sisters are appalled by the idea of having a child with her. It’s wrong.
BUY BLOODLINES AT AMAZON.COM
Year of Release: 2009
Genre: Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 3.3 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium
WHAT IT’S ABOUT:
Right, let’s start this review off on a good note: the views from the filming location were spectacular! OK, now that that’s out of the way, we can get on with the movie itself. It wasn’t the worst thing I’ve ever seen, and I think I understand what it was aiming for, but nothing pulled together nicely. The ghosts were quite nicely done, but you see them so rarely that they don’t really make much of a difference. The characters are a little grating on the nerves and seem incapable of communicating through any form of cohesive thought process, choosing rather to throw little fragments of speech at one another and hoping that somewhere along the line the pieces will fall together in some recognisable pattern.
Like many horror movies before it, Necrosis (a.k.a. Blood Snow) tries to build a story around the tragic event that was the Donner Party. Of course historical accuracy is thrown out the window and what was once a story of human tragedy and the desperate lengths people will go to to survive becomes a short 3 minute introduction that portrays the Donner Party in what resembles a frenzied blood-lust. Satan’s hoofs are also thrown in for good measure. As usually happens when an area has experienced terrible horrors the story has passed into local folklore and the ghosts of both the victims and the murderers of the Donner Party are said to walk in the woods, both trying to lead unknowing victims to their frozen dooms.
But who cares about some gruesome local history and an approaching blizzard when you have a rented cabin on top of the mountain where there’s no cellphone reception or way back down if things were to go wrong? So along come our 6 friends / victims: couple Michael and Karen (Tiffany!), couple Jerry and Megan and singles-who’ve-been-bet-on-to-hook-up Matt and Samantha. There are the obvious hints that Matt’s been brought along by Michael to help him get over some recent emotional setback and nobody likes Jerry. Apart from that, the generator not working properly or the caretaker turning up frozen in the snow a few hours after the group arrives, this should be a lovely, relaxing weekend where the assembled company can get away from the hustle and bustle of the concrete jungle. Which is why they chose to go somewhere with no cellphone reception. Far away. In a blizzard. Clearly no one in this group saw The Shining, because we all know how well that worked out…
Soon after arriving and finding the frozen caretaker the group begins to experience some very vivid nightmares (well, one features cannibalism and the one features a topless woman who later resorts to cannibalism, so I’m not sure if it’s a half-and-half nightmare). Jerry’s also beginning to behave very strangely, convinced that he is seeing the ghosts of the Donner Party coming after him and his friends. These visions aren’t helped by the fact that the body of the caretaker just disappears from the snow (the group thinks it was probably an animal that dragged the body away but, while the characters didn’t seem to notice this, there are no marks in the snow to indicate that the body was dragged anywhere). Michael and Karen also went off a while ago to try and get help from the nearest town but Jerry is convinced a ghost has shown him their dead bodies. The problem with all of this is that Jerry has a history of mental ‘episodes’ for which he is on strong antipsychotics, and this forms the basis of the last 25 minutes of the movie. You know, the 25 minutes where something almost happens?
Again, I see what the director was going for, but it just didn’t quite pan out. So many elements are introduced to try and make the audience wonder whether the ghosts are real or if the group themselves are slowly descending into madness, and these certainly succeed at adding some confusion to an otherwise boring movie. But heed this lesson dear aspiring directors: if you introduce plot elements, you need to try and resolve them and not just leave them hanging in mid-air when the end credits roll round.
LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:
- Store bought possum just doesn’t compare to one that’s been freshly caught.
- A foosball table turns a bland, ordinary room into an amazing game room.
- Going exploring on a mountain you don’t know alone while it’s snowing is a fantastic idea.
- Cannibalism is OK because humans taste like chicken.
- Peeing someone’s name in the snow is a sign of true love.
- If you owned a Mustang at some point in your life there isn’t anything you can’t fix.
Year of Release: 2005
Genre: Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 5.9 / 10
Level of Awful: Low – Medium
WHAT ITS ABOUT:
Failing all else, this one definitely gets points for creativity. Writer / Director Billy O’Brien clearly sat down one day and, much to his credit, thought: ‘What hasn’t been done in a movie before?’. The answer: inside-out cows. Slow moving, viral infested, flesh-eating, pint-sized inside-out cows. And it’s one of those movies that you are either going to love or be left utterly in the dark with. Personally I fell into the latter group, hence this post.
Somewhere, on a dark and stormy night on a rural farm in the middle of Ireland, a bio-genetics company slaves away to create more productive cows. The way to accomplish this? Make sure that calves are born already pregnant. And pregnant in multiples. This way, more and more cows are born faster and faster, ensuring that the beef and dairy market are kept in constant supply. Shockingly, these experiments go wrong. The first calf born of this process has fangs. Skew fangs, but fangs nonetheless. And it’s pregnant with six little offspring, the next step in the mass-production process gone horribly wrong: inside-out cows from hell. While the scientists manage to kill 5 of the inside-out offspring and its skew-fanged vampire mother, one manages to escape and begins to slither its way to creating havoc.
Since the inside-out little bovine is itself made up of a fast-replicating bacteria, anything it bites – human or cow – will begin to suffer from the same genetic problems that resulted in its creation. Young couple Jamie and Mary, along with scientist Orla and farm owner Dan, must now go off in pursuit of this little creature before it is able to escape the farm and infect the world’s human population. Unfortunately, it has already started with the other livestock on the farm…
Again, you have to judge this one for yourself.
THINGS I’VE LEARNED:
- Inside-out cows, with a very firm exoskeleton, can only squirm slowly in order to move around. Somehow there is a direct correlation between the speed of its movement and the ability of the victim to run away.
- Inside-out cows, while very slow to grow in the first hour of the movie, will explode to the size of an alligator in the last 15 minutes before it is killed.
- Running away in terror is preferable to simply stepping on a slow-moving ankle biter.
- Monsters instinctively know that, when quarantine is in effect, that it shouldn’t go outside the gate.
- When inside-out cows are on the rampage, regular cows will crawl into drains to be eaten by them.
- While inside-out cows can chew through the metal outside of cars and caravans in minutes, a regular cow carcass would take a swarm of them days to complete.