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Blood Sisters

Year of Release: 1987
Genre: Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 2.7 / 10
Level of Awful: High

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

To kick off my blast from the past 1987-themed movie month I felt that I should go all out and watch something that was both cheesy and filled with 80s ideas of promiscuity, prostitution and poltergeists. Thankfully everything I wanted was to be found in Blood Sisters, a delightful tale of a sorority initiation gone wrong bundled up in a wrapping of bad hair, chunky accessories and outfits that will make your eyes bleed. It’s one of those typical movies that couldn’t quite decide on whether it wanted to be a paranormal thriller or a slasher movie so it just throws both things together and explains neither.

The Ku Klux Klan's Women's Guild holds its weekly baking circle.

Deep in the forest, far away from the highway or the distractions of modern life, there exists a place where you can just get away from it all and forget all your worries: the local whore house. Here dozens of women wearing horrible undergarments and covered in so much makeup it would take a demolition crew to take it off are ready and willing to serve your every need, so long as the price is right. There are women for every man’s taste, so long as he doesn’t like them attractive. Business is thriving and the hookers are having a blast in their little hideaway, but somebody isn’t nearly as pleased with the fine work they do for their community. One day, in broad daylight, somebody sneaks into the house armed with a shotgun ready to put an end to this house of giggling delights. With the hookers dead and the local sex economy in a slump, the events of that day gradually begin to make their way into the local annals of urban legend and, it is said, that should you go into the old hooker house deep in the woods the spirits of the women still wander its halls in their trashiest finery, looking for young virgins to take as otherworldly lovers.

Even the mannequin wasn't prepared to put up with 80s fashion anymore...

When a whore house standing alone in the middle of the woods was once the scene of tragic events, both during its occupants lives and their untimely deaths, the place is virtually begging to host a sorority initiation. The local sorority made up of Greek letters thrown together at random has just finished shortlisting its very long list of pledges and is now ready to allow a new group of girls into its hallowed, bitchy halls. To prove that they will support one another as sisters and to prove that they are stable and mature individuals they must spend the night in the old abandoned whore house which the head sorority sister will have booby-trapped to try to scare them half to death and run out of the house like a banshee into the night. Test of maturity? Yeah, about that. So after a night of what looks like a primitive form of clubbing that takes up a good ten minutes of the movie the girls are blindfolded, put in a van and driven into the woods. From here they need to unpack, get comfortable, hear the story of what happened in the house and then go on a scavenger hunt to prove their allegiance to their would-be sorority house.

Mirrors are known to broadcast lesbian memories from the Other Side.

So now the house has been rigged up by a team of drunken jocks with a variety of things to scare the girls during their scavenger hunt: tapes of women screaming, babies crying, fake axes, a fake gun and so on and so forth. For a while everything is going fine as the girls go about finding random items on their lists. But then things start to get strange and the girls start seeing things, ghostly things. Strange women are wandering the halls while mysterious and sexy memories begin to play in the house’s mirrors. When it becomes apparent to the girls that the sounds that they’ve been hearing are just coming from things planted in the house to scare them they become more relaxed, but it certainly doesn’t explain the things that they’re seeing around them. When they start to be picked off one by one and cry out for help nobody comes looking for them, thinking that it’s simply another trap that’s been set off to scare them. The question to be asked, however, is what exactly is in the house with them? Are they really becoming the victims of hookers from beyond the grave or is something more sinister, more alive, stalking this old house with them?

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • It’s hard to distinguish between a cult meeting and sorority sisters just getting together.
  • Health food not only helps you to lose weight but it will also reverse the effects of degenerative eye disease.
  • Women find the memories of ghosts having sex with their favourite client highly arousing.
  • Ghostly memories are always accompanied by circus music.
  • The presence of ghosts is always accompanied by the sound of bell chimes ringing backwards.
  • Sarcasm and fear have no place in a haunted whore house.
  • Prostitutes who don’t give good head risk having the police shut their brothel down.

BLOOD SISTERS TRAILER

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Buried Alive

Year of Release: 2007
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 3.9 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium

To spread the good word about the joys of horrible horrors I was invited to do another guest review. Head on over to Horror Daily to read my review of Buried Alive.

BURIED ALIVE TRAILER

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Final Exam

Year of Release: 1981
Genre: Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 3.9 / 10
Level of Awful: High

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Watching this movie proves that one should never have an inspired moment. Having written an exam on Latin, an old language, I thought I’d watch Final Exam, an old-ish movie. The connecting thought? Wait for it… wait for it… an exam 🙂 And it’s been such an education, both in terms of life’s lessons learned and general 80s-ness. For example, movies in the 80s didn’t have to have a point! This must’ve made things so much easier when it came to trying to piece random scenes together: if it doesn’t have to go anywhere, you can pretty much do anything you want. That said, the one definite aspect of this movie that stands out is that it’s very Halloween-esque. Original? No. Decent slasher movie? Hell no! Welcome to the B-Horror Blog!

The death of a jock...

Now, admittedly, I come from a country where the universities don’t include the Greek system and initiations are mostly prohibited, so the first 50 minutes of the movie in that sense were a little bit lost on me. Not one to shy away from a challenge, I’m going to do my best to describe this quasi-character development section of Final Exam. I only remember two of the characters’ names, so let’s start with them: there’s Courtney, a bookish creature busy studying for her final exam before going home for the holidays. She’s not a sorority sister but has plenty of slutty friends who are, and they have a joyous time together talking about various things and admiring the powers that boobs have over men. Next is Radish (I don’t understand the thought here), a super-intelligent young man with the social skills of a wet door mat and an obsession with psychopaths with a gun and a good aim. The rest of the characters are rather generic: blonde jock, brunette jock, jockish frat boys, blonde slutty girl and sickly sweet slutty blonde girl. And of course there’s the killer, the slasher first seen by Courtney through her window while she’s trying to study (Laurie Strode? Michael Myers? Anyone?). What does our killer look like? He’s got a spine of iron, a big knife, no mask and a haircut that makes it look like he has a mushroom on his head.

The death of a nerd...

Right in the beginning of the movie we have our first kill: a young couple about to get in on in the guy’s car. The trailer tells us that the killer “has come back” – where he’s come back from is information the audience wasn’t deemed important enough to know, so why he’s there or what the plan is is really up to our imaginations. The next wave of action involves blonde & brunette jock and their band of jockish followers driving onto campus in balaclavas and faking a mass-shooting for shits and giggles. This is important since it ensures that the obnoxiously small-town sheriff won’t rock up later when things really go wrong, leaving the kids alone and defenceless. In the meantime Blonde Slutty Girl is sleeping with one of her professors and Sickly Sweet Slutty Blonde Girl is falling in love (Truly, Madly, Deeply) with one of the fraternity’s pledges. Along the way there’s also a fat coach who thinks that the shooting was hilarious and a campus security guard / policeman who’s very protective of his turf. They aren’t important at all and don’t really do anything except fill up space on the screen.

The death of sexy...

The major killing spree begins during some complicated fraternity ritual that involved tying our pledge to a tree, stripping him down to his underwear, covering him in shaving cream and shoving ice down his crotch. His whiny girlfriend is then meant to come and save him to ensure that the frat house doesn’t experience any ugly romances. Thankfully, to put me out of my confusion, our killer cuts the pledge free, scales the tree in seconds and then jumps down again to kill him just before killing the girl. He then goes after blonde jock who, at the time, was trying to steal painkillers to sell to stoners. Next is brunette jock who wants to know where the painkillers are. The final unimportant kill is the blonde waiting for her professor while draped in a silk sheet. With the sheriff unwilling to come and investigate what he thinks is another prank call its now up to Radish to try and protect Courtney from the clutches of the lunatic killer out to get her for no particular or obvious reason.

This movie was confusing, and to illustrate this point I want to end off this review with a quote from Sickly Sweet Blonde:

“I’m still happy. It’s just that I’m depressed.”

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • A real lady only has sex in a car if the top is up.
  • 2 deaths and suddenly you have a mass-murderer on your hands.
  • Coding your affair in academic jargon makes it less sleazy.
  • The stupidity of frat boys is surpassed only by the stupidity of their pledges.
  • A sheriff is powerless in the face of a college coach and a security guard.
  • Only bland girls have the sense to use blunt force when necessary.

FINAL EXAM TRAILER

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