Vampire Boys 2: The New Brood

Year of Release: 2013
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: – / 10
Level of Awful: Medium
Breast-O-Meter: 0 /5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Ever since I watched the original Vampire Boys last year it has been my go-to reference for gay vampire horror erotica, and has become one of my ultimate guilty pleasure movies. I honestly couldn’t tell you why (although I suspect the copious amount of 80s inspired synth music may have something to do with it), but every time I watch it I have some of the best laughs ever. When I heard that there was a sequel in the works I obviously had to get my hands on it, and the lovely people over at Ariztical were kind enough to send me an advance screener copy. So, is the sequel any good? Well, it has none of the original cast, the plot’s paper-thin, the acting’s generally appalling, there’s some very dubious sound editing going on throughout the whole thing, and there are 7 gratuitous penis shots. So, the answer is yes! yes! a thousand times yes! I loved this movie from giggling beginning to maniacal laughter end, and I couldn’t recommend it enough to those of you strong enough to withstand the constant barrage of dead-pan faces and naked torsos.

Would you like some side ball with your murder?

It’s been a whole year since the events of the first film, and Jasin and Caleb’s love continues to grow brighter and stronger. Jasin remains the undisputed leader of his peace-loving coven in LA, Caleb’s constantly being told to go off and attend classes and university, and Jasin’s ex, Tara, has moved in with them, making her the world’s possibly first vampire fag hag. It’s a beautiful little set up the three of them have going: Jasin and Tara exchange adult conversation, Caleb and Tara act like two high school girls around one another, and Jasin and Caleb spend the better part of their day naked in bed together. Truly, it is the American Dream gone horribly awry. But is this really paradise, or simply a ticking time bomb of immortal hormones and anger waiting to overflow?

Because naked blood sucking is the best blood sucking.

Obviously it’s a ticking time bomb, and all it needs is a match to the fuse to get it all going. Enter Demetrius onto the scene (and it’s now that I really wish I could broadcast Tropical Mary’s Afrikaans accent over the internet so you can hear how a name like that should really be pronounced). Demetrius is trying to set up his own coven in LA, and has acquired the use of a local boxing rink to help him find recruits. You see, while Jasin and his coven place peace and harmony above all other things, Demetrius really just likes to watch men beat the crap out of one another for sport (and possibly some kinky kind of sex thing, but the movie doesn’t really go into that). If only he could find a member of Jasin’s coven who’s really pissed off and would want to see Jasin and Caleb’s love torn asunder…

It’s Pirate Night down at the gay vampire fight club!

And there, as if from some crack-addled dream, emerges Tara in all her enormous-breasted glory! She’s still new to this whole vampire thing, so she’s easily put under Demetrius’ spell, which allows all her pent-up aggression to be set loose on the world. She’d be more than happy to slit dear little Caleb’s throat from ear-to-ear, but they’re gonna have to trick Jasin into letting his guard down. He can, after all, summon his army of shirtless vampire bodyguards at any time. But if all of this is in the name of revenge, what exactly is Demetrius’ beef with Jasin? Is a bleach-blonde man in a pair of tighty whities really a good choice for a new vampire convert? Why do you have to strip your victim of his pants and underwear before you drain him of all his blood? Just how big are Tara’s boobs anyway? Why does no one own a button shirt with any buttons? Why was there Tang in the pepper shaker at that little coffee shop? These are but some of the questions I had watching this movie, and it managed to answer at least a quarter of them. Truly, this was the best 80 minutes I’ve spent watching a movie in a long time.

Now, Ariztical, let’s talk about Vampire Boys 3…

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Boxing schools were created so that dads can send their sons there to be de-gayed.
• At the end of the day, love will only get you two puncture wounds in your neck.
• Vegan gay vampires feed on stags, but are occasionally known to partake of a beaver. You know, out of curiosity.
• Few people plan to become vampires when they start university.
• Vampires perform community service by draining irritating, yappy dogs dry.
• When a vampire compels you, you suddenly start doing the robot.
• A vampire’s built-in GPS only kicks in when they eat their first human.
• Recently turned vampires want two things: food, and then lots of gay sex.
• A vampire’s first feed is always best if both they and their victim is naked.
• Being a doctor and a vampire usually creates a conflict of interest.
• First rule of gay vampire fight club: everyone come with a lisp and tight pants.

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Antfarm Dickhole Ft. Tropical Mary

Year of Release: 2011
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 1.7 / 10
Level of Awful: Requires Post-Film Lobotomy
Breast-O-Meter: 4 /5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

You know, in all the years I’ve known Tropical Mary, we’ve banded together for some ridiculous adventures. We’ve completed degrees together, we share a faux Italian garden with one another, we started Historically Inaccurate Movie Night together, and a whole bunch of other stuff that wouldn’t have made sense even if you were there to see it. THIS, however, takes the cake. On the advice of Mistylane from CinemaSchminema (seriously, go check out her stuff, it’s amazing) I got my greasy little mitts on this movie and assembled my elite squad of movie watchers (Tropical Mary, Stygian Mole and the Occult Specialist) and got ready to watch Antfarm Dickhole. Long story short, I’m not sure if the guys will ever speak to me again, and it took me and Tropical Mary both rapidly live tweeting to cover all the crap that was going on.

I know it isn’t an Historically Inaccurate Movie, but since the word ‘plot’ isn’t one I’d associate with this movie, I’m gonna present the highly troubled stream of consciousness that happened during our little screening, with names to indicate just who was traumatised at what point.

Far from being the oddest thing in this movie.

Tropical Mary: Thank you Michael Nastri and Bill Zebub for what we are about to watch.

James: Jerking off is about the ride, not the destination. Oh god, right out the gate…

James: The science of being a 40-year-old bully.

Tropical Mary: Confessions of a 40-year-old wedgie.

James: Pockets are not good cupcake holders.

James: There’s no way this is a woman. This is a 17-year-old boy with an epic nipple stand, and the highly visible vag does nothing to convince me otherwise.

Tropical Mary: Ooh, she has a piercing…

James: We now go live to our state-of-the-art ass crack cam.

Tropical Mary: Behold! 3D Internet strippers! With an artistic boob shot thrown in for good measure.

James: The only way this is happening is if it’s holographic porn.

James: We really need a Vag-O-Meter for this movie…

James: Ants = food = Mexican water = Moctezuma’s revenge. Did I get that right?

Tropical Mary: Suddenly, busting some moves in the park.

Tropical Mary: For all that’s going on, why are the adults referring to a penis as a ‘pee pee’?

James: Boondock bikini frolicking – the new Olympic sport.

James: Morning class, welcome to How To Get Raped In The Woods 101.

James: So, army ants migrating north are a sign of a weak US-Mexican border?

James: Evolution psychology VS creationist psychology, neither of which is a real thing.

James: OK, so if an ant burrows into me, technically I own it?

James: That’s just the great hemisphere of life I guess…

James: Who knew you could make a dildo out of playdough?

James: Who talks to the ant colony in their penis?

James: Oh my. I’ve never seen someone have sex with a car before…

James: This one’s serving up some cellulite realness for us now. Oh wait, she’s a neon pink bikini-bedecked scientist.

James: The face of evil is the face of an ant, apparently.

James: This movie really is all about equal opportunity body types.

James: The car wasn’t enough, now he’s having sex with some window blinds.

Tropical Mary: Sex with a car is healthy for the soul and so is sex with a window blind.

James: Trees are sacred to bio-terrorists? Who knew?

James: Human bones usually belong to a dead human. Some class A police work on that one.

James: Up penis scope!

James: Either that banana was meant to be carried by ants, or it was demonically possessed. Either way, that’s gotta hurt.

Tropical Mary: Insecticide is WRONG!!!

James: There really is no joy in watching an OCD stripper take her clothes off.

James: This chick’s right – we really should just photosynthesise our own food.

Tropical Mary: Human photosynthesis = Vitamin D production. Thank God for the diffusion filter ge-filter fish.

James: She’s in the forest with wedge-heeled clogs…

Tropical Mary: …and her boobs look like the face of a newt.

James: Antfarm Dickhole proudly brings you the body types of Chernobyl.

James: I feel like we’re crossing the line into hardcore porn at this point…

Tropical Mary: It’s not porn just yet…

James: How do you squeeze an entire ecosystem into a penis?

James: Time to pull one last anteater out of the bag…

James: Sexual chemistry = ant colony in penis, apparently.

James: Is that Warcraft II music playing in the background?

Tropical Mary: I must get this soundtrack.

James: She died doing jazz hands.

James: Have anteater, will travel.

Tropical Mary: It’s the Saturday Aardvark!

James: Foreskins provide natural lotion. What kind of lotion?

Tropical Mary: Everything’s fun when you soft science!

Tropical Mary: The Delusion? Maybe. God? Definitely not.

James: Good friends flush the toilet for one another.

James: This minor plot can only be true if he’s shitting out liquid metal.

Tropical Mary: Maybe he’s gonna weld something.

James: Alcohol makes a drinking problem that much worse.

Tropical Mary: I have an army in my pants (are they all 5 year olds?!)

Tropical Mary: He will NOT remark that with dignity. Sans dignity. No dignity was had that day.

James: There’s no 12 step plan for this movie. There wasn’t even a plan at its inception.

James: They have a lot of lurking law enforcers in these parts.

James: With friends like Freud who needs animus? This is what happens when 7 random Wikipedia articles are strung together to form a script.

James: Who labels a moonshine container?

James: Eggs don’t need to be fertilised in order for a baby to develop.

James: When all is said and done, this fool has a remarkably robust penis.

Tropical Mary: I see a winky cutting in his future.

James: 3rd nipple for the win!

James: Telekimasturbating is a real art.

Tropical Mary: It can always get worse – more porn!

James: I feel like only an OB/GYN should see this girl like I’m seeing her now.

James: Spider rape – it can happen to you.

Tropical Mary: At least the spider’s whispering sweet nothings in French to her.

James: Bullies function with a hive mentality.

James: Manspider? REALLY?!?

THE END

So yeah, if you can make any sense out of all of that I take my hat off to you. In the wise words of Mistylane, “It’s like a bunch of 12 year olds, high on pixie sticks, got together to make an adult film.” That sums it up really well. There is no understanding of the insect world, film making, adult situations, sex, decent boobs, what a penis looks like or the difference between being attacked by an anteater and getting a so-so blowjob to be found anywhere in this movie. Truly, this is only for the most hardened z-movie goer, and preferably only if you feel you have nothing to lose.

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One-Eyed Monster

Year of Release: 2008
Genre: Sci-Fi / Comedy / Horror
IMDB Rating: 4.2 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium
Breast-O-Meter: 1 /5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

As strange as this might sound, One-Eyed Monster isn’t the only killer penis movie I’ve seen. A while back I watched a little doozy of a film called Bad Biology, although that one took itself far more seriously than its subject matter warranted. Having seen these two movies I can’t quite decide if the world doesn’t have enough killer penis movies, or if these two mean that we have far too many. I also can’t quite decide whether this movie made me giggle or want to rip my brain out through my nose but, since I’m still here, I’m gonna go with the laughing thing. The main thing with watching this movie is, before you hit play, you’ve gotta understood what you’re in for and not expect anything earth-shattering. I’m feeling rather indifferent to this movie, but I could see it being a lot of fun in a group setting with pizza and beer. Do that and it should be fine.

Soon to graduate from Lady Biggerboobs’ School for the Pornographically Gifted.

It’s California, it’s the middle of a particularly nasty winter, and that can only mean one thing: porn stars are taking to the hills and toasty-warm cabins of the California mountains to perform a number of questionable sexual acts. The entourage is headed up by Ron Jeremy, who will provide continuity between yesteryear’s porn viewer and today’s more contemporary audience, and Veronica Hart, who’s here to coach the new girls on the various tricks of the trade. They feel a little bit out of their league, surrounded by 20-somethings that are more horse hung and who have perkier breasts (thankfully, not all in one person). But that’s the difference between these upstart amateurs of today and the porn stars of the 80s – they’re here to do a job and, no matter what the position, they’re not gonna quit until it gets done!

Getting down to serious work.

To begin with everything’s going absolutely perfectly. The team’s been completely snowed in by a blizzard, there’s no cellphone reception this high up the mountain and they’re only one of two houses on the whole range, but the sex looks like it might be promising so they’re not too fussed. Using skills that I wouldn’t have imagined existed Veronica has managed to convince the director to have her in the movie with Ron and the two get down to business. During a break in the shoot Ron decides that he needs to get some fresh air, where something decidedly strange happens. A shooting star comes out of left field, strikes Ron down, cuts his penis off and then possesses his dismembered member. Things are about to get strange…

The lesser spotted boy-next-door porn star.

With a mind of its own the penis goes on a rampage, trying to find any available orifice that may be used to help it reproduce. Sadly no one informed this alien race that, on Earth, only females produce offspring, much to the startled screams of some members of the male cast. A highly dysfunctional group of people, the cast is initially slow to react to the situation (granted, shouting things like “Angel has a cock down her throat!” probably doesn’t sound overly strange to anyone here). It’ll take their combined wits, an old Vietnam War veteran and a computer database of every female celebrity in the world hooked up to a simulated vagina to try and bring this abomination down. But will it be enough? And what if someone falls in love with the penis? Watch and be truly astounded.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• The Porn Revolution will not be televised.
• If you’ve only done 150 porn movies you’re still just a baby in the industry.
• Elderly mothers will kill their sons if they don’t give them all the details on the latest porn releases.
• Ron Jeremy’s talent is historic and ageless and should never be criticised.
• Porn actresses are really collegial and like to exchange tips on the tricks of the trade.
• With the correct kegal exercises a porn actress can rule the world.
• A tampon is very useful if you ever need to stop some internal hemorrhaging.
• It takes weeks of preparation for a porn star to remember her lines.
• Strangulation is an excellent persuasion technique.
• It’s so hard to find a porn star that’s also a perfect gentleman.

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Dead Boyz Don’t Scream

Year of Release: 2006
Genre: Horror / Comedy
IMDB Rating: 3.9 / 10
Level of Awful: High

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Here at the B-Horror Blog I’m a firm believer in equal rights for all. What struck me, however, was that while I was updating the Crypt I began to think that this blog was falling short of this fundamental principal: movies here have focussed on the presence of breasts and female nudity to such an extent (see here, here, here, here, here, here and here)  that I began to worry that I was perpetuating the belief that it’s alright to objectify women. Now I had two options to try and rectify this situation: I could either find a movie where a team of super-attractive women (a doctor, a lawyer, a brain surgeon and a social worker) work together to solve murders without any of them getting killed. Finding such a movie would have been an impossible task so I decided to go with option two: find a movie that objectifies men to such an extent that it balances everything else out in one go. And I think I’ve succeeded! Dead Boyz Don’t Scream (‘boyz’? cuz these pimps are gangsta like that…) is a delightful softcore homoerotic porno in a horror movie’s veil. I’m incredibly happy that this movie balances out my previous female objectifications, because I’m not sure if I could handle this much penis in one go again any time soon…

So here we have some of the plot...

So, the movie. It’s not much of a movie to be honest. It’s delightfully trashy in it’s execution. The basic story starts with Tess, an agent for a select threesome of straight and overly studly (seriously, who goes to gym that much?!?) male models. I’m sure they had names but they escape me. It’s really not that important anyway. The main model that seems to protect the 2 and a half brain cells that the guys share has a friend coming into town and good lord is she slutty! 2 drinks later and she decides to go home with two of the three models (her friend doesn’t seem interested) and a photographer the guys know. When the foursome gets a little out of hand and the chick decides to call it a night the photographer lands up being thrown over the balcony railing into evening traffic by an unknown intruder. To punish the models for misbehaving and getting a good photographer killed Tessa sends them away to a ranch with no cellphone signal to work on a naked cowboy photo shoot until interest in the sex scandal dies down a little.

This is a major plot point right here...

So now we’re at a ranch somewhere in the mountains with no cellphone reception (why does nobody think that this has ‘bad idea’ written all over it?). Our three main guys are joined by The Poodles, supposedly the absolute must-haves in the male modelling world. The Poodles must be gay given their title, as well as a couple of some sort given that they seem to like feeling one another up. They are completely vapid and genuinely do seem to share a single brain cell with one another given that they say the same word (just one) at the same time and don’t seem to recognise a world outside of their iPod. What I found disturbing in this is the fact that they also seem to be brothers – they look alike, they speak alike and they are referred to as having the same parents. I’m not sure which subset of people this relationship is aimed at but the incestuous vibe was just creepy (which in turn makes it the only scary thing in this entire movie 🙂 ).

And, finally, the last important piece of the storyline.

Right, so now we have three studly straight men and two studly incestuous brothers running around this ranch with no clothing on (full frontals everywhere and quite long-lasting) being photographed. The problem comes in when main straight guy (I wanna say Christian – could be the name) gets angry at Tessa for bringing along her lesbian lover Belle van Dyke (I shit you not). It would appear that, back in the day, Christian (?) and Tessa had a thing and his ego can’t take the fact that she’s now into girls. He stalks into the night after beating up his one friend a little and things start to go awry for the group. A killer is stalking the ranch and bumping off our muscled crew one by one (not very convincingly, but doing it none the less). It now falls to our resourceful lesbians to find everyone, try and stop them from bickering with one another and somehow get everyone down off the mountain before they all land up dead and naked.

Who the killer is won’t surprise anyone, although the reasons behind it are a little out of the ordinary. This is by no means a traditional horror movie but rather a use of the horror genre to justify having 7 men running around naked (in the cold by the looks of things) for just under 80 minutes. That said, I feel I have now done my bit in furthering the cause of equal opportunity objectification 😀

No acting skills. No pants. No shame.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Softcore porn = art
• You should only avoid fully nude photographs of yourself when you’re starting your career, not once you’re an established model.
• Douche lords are remarkably protective of their slutty friends when she’s about to have a gangbang with his equally douchey friends.
• Wearing nothing but cowboy boots and a hat and hanging on one another is a great form of male bonding.
• Straight men in nothing but their underwear are very whiny in each other’s company.
• An agent’s worst nightmare is having male models running around in the woods with horny bears.
• Hit hooter once for noise, twice to stop.

DEAD BOYS DON’T SCREAM TRAILER

Bad Biology

Year of Release: 2008
Genre: Horror / Fantasy
IMDB Rating: 5.1 / 10
Level of Awful: Requires Post-Film Lobotomy

THIS POST CONTAINS STRONG ADULT CONTENT

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

When a movie’s opening dialogue is “I was born with 7 clits” you know you’re gonna be in for a rough ride. Not only was it rough but this has got to be, by far, the most disturbing and pointless movie that I have ever seen. It’s not awful in the same way that Alien VS Hunter or the Terror Toons Duology were awful. It is awful because there’s nothing to it: it’s not a horror, although it has minor horror elements, it’s not a thriller, it’s not really a fantasy and I wouldn’t even class it as sci-fi. Hell, I wouldn’t even class it as a porn movie. All that this movie aims to be is an excuse to showcase some very, very warped and kinky sex. I’m not a prude by any means but even I feel dirty after watching this movie, although I imagine for some it will become a kind of cult classic. That being said, it will take people with a far stronger stomach than my own to grant it that kind of prestige. There appear to be those that love it and those that hate it, but this blog is about trash and in my opinion Bad Biology ranks as one of the trashiest of the trash. And at The B-Horror Blog, it’s only my opinion that matters 🙂

A woman's period is a truly emotional time for all people involved.

This piece of cheese has two primary characters that the story revolves around, the first being Jennifer. Jennifer is no ordinary girl. Jennifer was born with seven external clitorises, several more clitorises inside her and, to judge from an internal shot of her vagina that we are shown, possible several Oompa-Loompas. Now all these clitorises and the Oompa-Loompas make Jennifer a very horny woman and, in her own words, she feeds on orgasms in the same way that normal people feed on food. Unfortunately, because of her rare situation, no man has ever been able to satisfy her sexually. I’m not entirely sure how that’s possible because with all of that going on downstairs I imagine a gentle breeze in the right direction would get the job done, but who am I to tamper with the director’s vision? In addition to the clitorises, the Oompa-Loompas and the insanely overactive sex drive, Jennifer’s womb is also overactive, meaning that she gives birth about 2 hours after every sexual encounter she has. Since they developed so quickly the babies are horribly deformed and their mother simply throws them away, believing that they aren’t complete or real. You see Jennifer is apparently a religious person and believes that God’s ultimate plan is to have sex with her and she needs to have all of these other babies in preparation for having His children. I have dubbed this the Unimmaculate Conception and it just means that Jesus is about to get a really screwed-up stepmother…

The Fleshlight 3000: For the above-average gentleman.

Where there’s black there’s white, where there’s yin there’s also yang. Where there’s a Jennifer there’s apparently also a Batz, who has a similar problem controlling his nether region. As a baby the doctors managed to cut off Batz’s penis instead of the umbilical cord and, although they managed to re-attach it, it never worked properly and growing up Batz landed up being the only teenage boy who didn’t get an awkward woody. Not content with this situation Batz began injecting his member with a variety of drugs, chemicals and horse Viagra to bring it to life. This plan worked a little too well when his penis became sentient and drug addicted, fighting against Batz if he refuses to give it the drugs or hookers that it wants. Batz now lives in seclusion desperately trying to find a way to control his penis (which is now as tall as he is) and feel what it’s like to experience a regular male orgasm.

Penises that go 'bump' in the night...

Of course the Fates will always intervene in these kind of situations and Jennifer and Batz are brought together one day while Jennifer is doing a (porno) photo shoot for a rapper’s album. Jennifer walks into the bathroom while Batz is having a fight with his penis and instantly knows what it will take to satisfy her never-ending need for sexual release. That night she sneaks back into Batz’s house to find him getting it on with a hooker and is even more convinced this is the man for her when she sees that the hooker’s orgasm lasts for over an hour. Sadly, as with many girls who find the perfect penis, Batz’s man meat decides that it is better off on its own and breaks free and goes off in search of as many naked women as it can find. Jennifer now needs to find the rogue penis if she ever hopes to fulfill her desire to be impregnated by God.

THINGS I’VE LEARNED:

• Girls born with Oompa-Loompas in their vagina should have them removed at an early age to avoid debilitating libidos in later life.
• It’s easy to confuse an umbilical cord for a penis.
• Women always walk around their apartments naked or, at most, covered in a see-through gown.
• When surprised or scared a woman will rip her gown open in an attempt to frighten an intruder with her breasts.
• God is kinky.
• Nobody wants to be near a woman who suffers PMS 7 times more powerfully than a normal woman.
• Horse-strength Viagra brings penises to life. Literally.
• Drug addicted penises are known to go missing for days, returning only when they need another fix.
• A 45-minute orgasm is not a hooker’s best friend.
• You can, in fact, give CPR to a limp penis.

Bad Biology Trailer