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Hellhounds Ft. Tropical Mary

Posted by James

Year of Release: 2009
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy / Horror
IMDB Rating: 3.6 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium
Breast-O-Meter: 0/5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Another day, another glorious Historically Inaccurate Movie with Tropical Mary. Up until this point Cyclopshad always been the one to beat, but this one may have taken the crown. There was clearly a budget to put this thing together and someone, somewhere, had a vague enough knowledge of Greek myth to get some aspects of the movie right. That it isn’t based on a particular myth may have helped it along somewhat, but it’s been a long time since I’ve laughed as hard as I did at this movie.

If for no other reason, you need to buy / rent this movie to watch the first scene. I don’t know why it was as funny as it was, but it involved a small village being invaded by a rival realm. Some blonde female is busy being attacked when the good guys rock up and save her. 3 seconds later she comes in from left-field, galloping like an injured horse (no, really), waving a sword in the air and screaming like a banshee. We must’ve rewound it about 8 times just to watch over and over again. I thought I was going to pee. But enough of that silliness, it’s time to move onto the even more silly polluted stream of consciousness that this movie brought about.

By the gods, what the hell did we do last night?

TMG presents: some guys from the Eastern Bloc.
These are the king’s men. Behind them are all of the king’s horses. Humpty Dumpty was nowhere to be seen.
Galloping horse bitches be crazy.
We present, for your consideration, Herr Ünter-Bite.
I think the main dude’s name is Quilintos.
Nothing says Ancient Greece like some slow-mo flies.
She’s spinning right round baby, right round, like a discus baby, right round, round round.
Hades will take her as a bride. Poor Persephone.
Why Tartaros? What could this poor woman have done that necessitates Nemesis being her eternal prison warden?
Spirits will find their bodies like flies find a rotting corpse.
Apparently the Underworld’s ferryman is named Sharon.
“This semen spawn is not my wife!”
The Underworld is now a Cerberus-free zone.
You can rest when you’re alive.
Herr Ünter-Bite leads from the chin.
Wait… maybe the main guy’s name is Cleatus.
We present, for your consideration, No Calves Cleatus.
Holy shit, how does Cleatus actually manage to walk with those calves?
Arrow dipped in snake’s blood = dead Hades.
Oh dear, this one’s bleeding oil.
Quickly, escape in that vague direction!
I won’t forget our first kiss. Now fist me.
Sprinkler of the gods!
I feel that we’re changing the rules of saving this chick as we go along.
Demetrios? Cleatus? Quilintos? Cleetos? Cheetos? Who knows?
This one’s going back to his squirrels and readings.
Thank you Quebec for making this voyage to the Underworld possible!