Year of Release: 2006
IMDB Rating: 4.2 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium
WHAT IT’S ABOUT:
Two things drew me to this movie: firstly, I’m a sucker for any movie that involves a bunch of teenagers having a party in the middle of the woods where help can’t get to them fast enough and, secondly, after my last run in with The Asylum I wanted to see what they could do when they’re supposedly not trying to rip off another movie. Now despite being released just before Rob Zombie flushed Halloween down the toilet, having a movie poster that is reminiscent of the original Halloween poster, a storyline that is kind of modeled on that of Michael Myers, an irritating Halloween-esque theme tune and people littered around in Michael Myers-ish masks, this movie was surprisingly fun. The acting is so-so, the story is so-so, the effects are so-so and there are boobs everywhere; in short it’s the perfect b-grade horror movie!
10 years ago young Chris Vale witnessed his parents being attacked and his mother brutally murdered by two armed masked men who don’t know he’s also in the room because he’s hiding under a table. Unfortunately when he tries to make his getaway his mother also decides to make one last attempt at living and, when the intruders shoot her, they also manage to shoot a pipe close to where Chris is now hiding. Steam shoots out of the pipe and leaves Chris horribly burnt and disfigured. Chris is put away in a mental institution following the incident because he was found with the bodies of both of his parents when the police eventually decide to rock up. 10 years later, having now actually gone insane after being bullied by his carers, Chris manages to kill the two guards in charge of keeping him under control and escapes the institution and begins the journey back home to try and figure out what exactly happened on the night that his mother was murdered.
At exactly the same time that Chris is escaping the mental institution David Baxter, his girlfriend Shannon and a bunch of their friends are planning a Halloween party in a little house in the middle of the woods to celebrate their upcoming graduation. When luck’s not on your side, however, you land up hosting your Halloween party in the same house that the escaped lunatic wants to come home to to look for clues about his dead mother. To make matters even worse David and his buddies pull a prank at the party that lands up having Shannon not wanting to talk to him and, because very few people were in on the joke, police were called to the house only to find out the emergency was actually a false alarm. Safe to say the police won’t be taking anyone at the house very seriously for the rest of the night and, as the evening wears on and people begin to go their various ways, Chris makes his way through the party hacking at anyone who gets in his way.
The highlight of this movie for me was a scene that will make you look at lesbians in an entirely different light. For the entire movie there have been breasts falling out of bras and more nipples on display than in a Red Light District, but after working his way through the house Chris is beginning to run out of victims. Angela and Kendall have just consummated their love and are basking in the afterglow when Chris bails over the balcony to come after them. Now Chris has managed to butcher people left, right and center with absolutely no resistance being put up from anyone. Angela, despite being completely naked with nothing but a sheet close to hand, proceeds to beat the living crap out of him. There are punches, kicks and beatings amongst many other impressive little moves, and all while maintaining her hair and without smudging her makeup at all.
The movie is by no means good and suffers from convoluted dialogue and subplots that are introduced and quickly forgotten but I would highly recommend it to anyone who just feels like sitting back and watching a mindlessly entertaining cheesy horror film, if for no other reason than to see the grossly disfigured Chris Vale have the shit beaten out of him by a gorgeous lesbian.
THINGS I’VE LEARNED:
- Crouching over slightly makes it impossible for people to see you.
- Hardcore rockers should be baby-faced and clean-shaven.
- Helicopter searches in dense woods are best conducted at night.
- When deciding what to wear to go and look for the killer it’s best to choose something short and busty.
- Phones ring even after they’ve gone to voicemail.
- Policemen have to show people a photo of the hideously disfigured escaped lunatic to see if they’ve seen him.
- After seeing the photo people will then go and confuse the baby-faced rocker with the hideously disfigured escaped lunatic.
- Lesbians taste like tuna.
- An automatic car is so simple to drive that even an escaped deranged lunatic can master driving in 5 minutes.