Underground

Year of Release: 2011
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 3.8 / 10
Level of Awful: High
Breast-O-Meter: 0 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Movies like this are the reason you should always double-check IMDB. When I got my copy I checked IMDB and it had a rating somewhere in the vicinity of 7 so I got it thinking that I could watch it one night when I was in the mood for a real movie. About 15 minutes into it I started thinking to myself, “none of these characters are at all likeable”, and my b-movie senses started to tingle. I checked IMDB again and to my delight it now had a 3.9 rating. My guess is that the people involved in making it hopped on and gave it the original good rating. Shame on you! I’m no stranger to bad movies but it’s not nice to catch someone off guard; I didn’t at all have my game face on. So far as the movie’s concerned, should you find yourself about to watch it, imagine The Descent but with less likeable people and a few Nazis thrown in for good measure.

Aim it at the movie!

If we are to believe this movie then everyone in the world enjoys nothing more than getting bombed out of their skulls at a little rave. While this applies across the board the people who are most likely to enjoy a rave are soldiers returning from fighting the war in Iraq. At least this is true for Eric, Storm and Mira. Luckily this particular rave is being held at a mysteriously abandoned US military base so the three should feel a bit more at home and they’re accompanied by a few others whose names completely escape me. Names aren’t particularly important anyway; every character is just a distinctly overdone cliché. Eric’s the badass sergeant type who’ll never leave a man behind, Storm is Latino so he’s obviously a gangster and Mira is the tough girl who, despite all her bravado, needs a man to help her through everything she does.

A fair attempt at doing Mariah Carey's whistle register.

While everyone’s getting jiggy with it on the dance floor some guy gropes the arse of one of Storm’s friend’s girlfriend. The friend is obviously upset and gets into a little tiff with the man that’s twice his height but, since Storm is Latino and therefore obviously a gangster, it suddenly gets taken to a whole other level. I accidentally blinked at this point and when I opened my eyes again people were lying sprawled on the floor, knives were on people’s throats and guns were being fired at random. The guns must’ve been the final straw because the next thing you know Eric and Co. are running for their lives and taking shelter behind a rather heavy-duty door. The opposing Latino gangsters have the attention span of a fridge magnet so they quickly leave but Eric decides that they need to find another way out rather than facing what’s on the other side of the door. Poor guy, you’re in a horror movie! It’s what’s on your side of the door that you need to worry about.

Good upper body strength, but she needs to work on her core.

Before this point you know that there are bimbos in this group but now you learn that they’re the constantly whining variety, which becomes very irritating very quickly. Unfortunately for them (but luckily for us) there are some demented creatures running around in this mysteriously abandoned military base that might just do away with them soon. You see, back in the day when World War II was coming to an end, the Nazis had a doctor especially trained in horrifying genetic experiments. Not seeing why the fall of Nazi Germany should bring an end to his work the American government brought him over to see what he could cook up for them. By using a few kidnapped women, lots of piping, a gas mask and by combining the DNA of humans, a crocodile and a few other select beasties he managed to create a species of hominids that think like soldiers, have the teeth of crocodiles, are afraid of nothing, are amphibious and remarkably good climbers. Eric and Co. will have to fight their way through the dark labyrinth of the base if they ever want to see daylight again while fending off fear and monsters with a taste for flesh.

Since everyone in the movie is irritating as hell I was personally rooting for the monsters, but you can watch for yourself and decide who you want to win.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• At the slightest sign of any trouble the US military will just abandon its bases and leave all their weapons behind.
• Despite being 3 stories underground a military base can still have windows that let in plenty natural lighting.
• US military bases are relatively uniform and dead easy to escape from.
• Women think it’s a much better idea to run off alone into the darkness than stay in a group for protection.
• There’s a huge market for well-trained but unemployed mad scientists with a Nazi background.
• You can ram any amount of tubing into a pregnant woman’s belly without there ever being a risk to the baby.

UNDERGROUND TRAILER

Dead Snow

Year of Release: 2009
Genre: Horror / Comedy
IMDB Rating: 6.5 / 10
Level of Awful: Surprise! – Low

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

This movie deserves its place in my vault of terror for nothing else other than the way that I found out about it. Apparently many people were well aware of this movie because of its original story, its funny little quirks and its high Nazi content. Not me. I found out about this movie through Linni Meister, Norway’s answer to Paris Hilton (or, where I come from, Patricia Lewis). You see, for some unknown reason, Dead Snow is promoted throughout her song ‘My Ass’. Now what the Nazi Zombies and this chick’s ass have to do with one another the gods alone know, but this is how I came across the movie. And the movie really eats at me because for most of it I really was enjoying it, but there were still points where I tilted my head and gazed at the screen blankly. I think it might have had something to do with the dodgy subtitles my version had, but it’s not my job to make up people’s minds – I’m just here to poke fun at movies when they start getting silly 🙂

Outhouse sex: Proof that men love sex so much they'll do it before wiping their asses.

Seven medical students (Vegard, Erlend, Chris, Martin, Roy, Hanna and Liv) have decided to get away from it all for the Easter holidays and take a little vacation somewhere in the back and beyond of Norway where Vegard’s girlfriend Sara owns a little cabin. Sara left before the rest of the group to get to the cabin and has subsequently gone missing since she was chased down and attacked in the movie’s opening sequence. Unaware of Sara’s fate, the rest of the group enjoys a fun night of jokes and drinks until a hiker appears at their door. After drinking and insulting their organic coffee he decides that the students need to be enlightened about the history of the area. During WWII Standartenführer Herzog and some of his cronies were stationed in this area where, for 3 years, they were the cruel and sadistic overlords that one would expect a Nazi to be. When Germany began to fall the soldiers began looting the town and planned on going into hiding in the surrounding hills and forests. The townsfolk decided they weren’t having any of it and ambushed and killed most of the Nazis. Herzog and the few remaining survivors escaped into the hills and were presumed dead. But as we all know, bad shit refuses to stay dead for long…

Mein Führer Zombie Action Figure. Zombie Minions sold separately.

After that delightful little tale the hiker goes on his way and, the following morning, Vegard decides that he needs to go and look for his girlfriend. While he’s out on his little journey he manages to fall into a snow-covered cave where he lies unconscious for several hours. While he’s doing that the rest of the gang back at the cabin find a mysterious box under some of the floor boards. The box is filled with gold coins, one of which Chris pockets for herself. While on her way to the outhouse to have some steamy sex with Erlend she drops the coin and awakens the zombie Nazi horde who begin to lay siege to the cabin. As groans are exchanged, brains craved and blood splattered the students manage to barricade themselves in the cabin and survive until the morning in hopes of devising a method of escape.

Admittedly one of the coolest zombie killing sequences ever...

Vegard, meanwhile, awakens in the cave and, upon some investigation, discovers where Herzog and his cronies were hiding out in their last days. In amongst the remains and Sara’s severed head he does manage to find a variety of firearms. While he investigates his choice of weapons and his girlfriend’s head he is attacked by a zombie and badly bitten but, fortunately for him, these zombies don’t transform you when they bite and he manages to kill it before making a stylish getaway on his snowmobile that he has now equipped with a machine gun. Back at the cabin those that made it through the night decide that their best chance of survival is to split up (when will people learn?). What follows are some of the most awesome zombie chase and kill scenes as this ragged little group tries to make it off the mountain before being eaten – all because of a single gold coin. I would strongly recommend this movie to anyone who enjoys a good gory, silly and occasionally cheesy zombie movie.

I have decided not to post a trailer for Dead Snow. Instead, I would like those that haven’t seen yet it to discover it the same way that I did. Scroll down to watch Linni Meister’s music video for her hit song ‘My Ass’ (I promise that you will never be the same after watching it…)

THINGS I’VE LEARNED:

• Molotov Cocktails should be thrown out the window, not against the wall.
• Strangling people is an excellent way to show appreciation for their hospitality.
• Telling people that the place they are holidaying at used to be a Nazi outpost dedicated to torturing local people really brings the mood of a party down.
• Your girlfriend may not think being smothered with a pillow is a kind of foreplay.
• Never trust a women with outhouse-sex on her mind with a cursed gold coin.
• Being murdered in an outhouse’s cesspit is a shitty way to go.
• A joke isn’t funny unless it has poop, pee, or semen in it.
• There is nothing hotter than getting it on in an outhouse.
• You will never be as hardcore as the guy with a machine gun on his snowmobile.

LINNI MEISTER: ‘MY ASS’