Piranha 3DD Ft. Tropical Mary

Year of Release: 2012
Genre: Comedy / Horror
IMDB Rating: 4.4 / 10
Level of Awful: Requires Post-Film Lobotomy
Breast-O-Meter: Off the charts

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Let me start off this review by stating the obvious: aaaaaaaahhhhh!!!!! I’m a great fan of the Piranha movies. I liked them when they were eating people in the 70s, I liked them when they learned to fly in the 80s, and I even thought that Piranha 3D was a lot of fun. This was not fun. Not even having Tropical Mary to watch it with me could undo the damage that this movie inflicts on a person. Made to cater to the absolute lowest common denominator, Piranha 3DD takes all the things that should make it fun (boobs, a water park and thousands of ferocious man-eating fish) and somehow manages to make it both horribly painful and tremendously boring to watch. If you’re a really randy 14-year-old boy who hasn’t quite figured out how internet porn works yet, then this is probably the movie for you. Anyone else, steer the hell away from this one.

It’s an underwater Christmas Tree decoration farm.

A whole year has passed since the tragic events at Lake Victoria. The lake has had every conceivable poison dumped into it to eradicate its piranha population and the whole area has been declared a disaster zone. Captain Obvious’ wife does a little voice over work as a news caster reporting on the incident, asking the audience that if this tragedy could happen here, could it happen somewhere else? It’s as though God himself heard this question and, to spite us little mortals, takes us to another lake where two farmers are trying to drag the corpse of a cow out of the water. The corpse is littered with piranha eggs falling out of every possible orifice and these are released when the farmers accidentally blow up the corpse. After a quick snack on the farmers the piranhas begin their journey to discover a new source of food.

Taking the concept of getting down on your knees for Jesus to a whole other level.

Spending time watching farmers and dead cows, of course, leaves us dangerously without gratuitous shots of naked females, something that this movie simply will not stand for, so we are now taken to a water park called Big Wet. Big Wet is owned by a man named Chet who plans to fill the park with water certified strippers and a gated-off adult swimming pool mainly aimed at those wanting to participate in a quick orgy. Maddy, Chet’s stepdaughter, isn’t overly taken by this idea, but she’s not the majority shareholder in the park so she just has to shut the hell up. When two of her friends mysteriously disappear and she herself is attacked by a group of piranhas in a nearby lake she takes it upon herself to find out what the chances of them rocking up at the water park are. We’re told something about sulphur dioxide in the lakes and the chlorine in the pools and suddenly it’s obvious where the fish will be heading next.

This speaks for itself.

Of course the chlorine in the pool is the least of their worries when it becomes apparent that Chet has discovered a better way to fill the pools in the park. Why pay for water when you can drain an underground lake? Maddy points out the obvious piranha problem that these underground lakes have, for which she is forcibly dragged away by her policeman ex-boyfriend who’s been taking bribes from Chet. After some poor homages to A Nightmare on Elm Street and Planet Terror, as well as a piranha eating a man’s penis, the park is suddenly inundated with these little fuckers. David Hasselhoff proves to be of little use in fighting the fish off, and the only thing that temporarily slows the little buggers down are the drains in the pool (which appear to be more powerful than the vacuum in outer space). By this point it all becomes such a confusing mess you couldn’t give two shits who makes it and who doesn’t; you’re just so busy praying to the heavens above that the end credits will roll soon.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Confession before fornication is a sign of a good Christian lady.
• Being a 49% shareholder in anything means you should sleep in a prison cell.
• ‘Fade to lake’ is never going to take off as an effective way to move between scenes.
• You really don’t want to know the things a young man can do with a water pump.
• A woman’s vagina is a perfect incubator for fish eggs.
• You deserve a Darwin Award if you can’t get out of a paddling pool.

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Wicked Lake

Year of Release: 2008
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 3.1 / 10
Level of Awful: High
Breast-O-Meter: 4.5 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Well it wasn’t a Witch’s Sabbath so far as the Breast-O-Meter was concerned but it really did give it its very best shot. Wicked Lake is one of those extremely rare films that not only is horrifying in terms of its plot and execution, but also makes you (or at least me) feel incredibly uncomfortable while watching it. It’s possible the writers or director had some really kinky fetishes that they felt absolutely had to be incorporated into the movie but personally the combination of lesbian lovin’ and torture porn is a difficult one.

So there's a whole lot of this going on...

Our dear movie starts off with a perfect example of the ever popular ‘awkward moment’. We’re in a (community) college of some sort where Ilene is busy posing nude for an art class. Caleb, a very awkward student in a very flamboyant pink shirt and jeans so tight you can tell his religion, begins to fantasise about Ilene doing a little dance for him in the middle of class. Petrified by his own fantasy he runs out the room and waits for Ilene in the parking lot. What follows is some awkward standing around followed by an equally awkward walk back to Ilene’s place. When they get there Caleb shows Ilene a picture of a unicorn he drew in class and she, in turn, whips out one of her breasts for him. Their awkward moment is interrupted by one of Ilene’s friends who walks out the door at that point and Caleb runs home crying.

The first reincarnation is always the hardest.

As with this movie in general weirdness must be followed by even more weirdness so next we are shown a little sneak peek into Ilene’s home life. She lives with her three friends Mary, Helen and Jill. Now, these girls are incredibly close in a constantly-naked-and-licking-one-another kind of way. All four of them share in a little sex before hopping in their car and heading away to a little cabin in the woods for the weekend. Elsewhere we are introduced to Caleb’s family. At some point his parents died and his brother took over looking after the family. This brother is strange and likes to make out with Caleb, the other brother’s clearly more than a little touched in the head and their uncle is in a wheelchair and seemingly addicted to a cocktail of pain medications. Since Caleb came home late from college that day (the family doesn’t support him going to college) everyone is angry. Caleb’s not the most articulate character you’ve ever seen to begin with and this altercation with the family really doesn’t make things any better. After disappearing and coming back with no pants and a different pink shirt he tells everyone that he knows how to make up for his bad behaviour.

This is going to leave minor bruising...

The plan to make up for his behaviour, of course, involves going up to the cabin, holding the girls at knife point and having them perform a variety of humiliating acts on the strange clan of men. How Caleb knows where this cabin is is an entirely different story that we, the audience, are not privy to. We are then subjected to about 15 minutes of ass slapping and puke wiping before the movie decides that it wants to take a left turn into a completely different genre. When the full moon comes out something happens to the girls: they gain animal-like strength and growling noises. These things lead to the very obvious conclusion that these girls are werewol… I mean witches. 1000s of years old witches. A coven of lesbian witches. And now they’re going to fight back and show the boys just how mean they can be. This will involve a lot of biting, gallons of fake blood and a lot of licking blood and taking human fleshing out of one another’s mouths. Thrown in there for good measure are two cops constantly smoking weed trying to hunt the girls down after discovering their underground stash of bodies. Who will make it out alive? I can’t say, but be prepared for an incredibly strange torture method involving a giant black dildo.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• $20 an hour is the going rate for posing nude.
• Posing nude is better than waitressing or giving blowjobs to strangers.
• Women will just let awkward hipsters fondle their breasts in the driveway.
• College is something to be tolerated, but definitely not supported.
• Lesbians, in a group context, are known to participate in synchronised sexing.
• Little girls who don’t answer strangers’ questions go to hell.
• Some witches are incredibly forward thinking and concerned about environmental issues.
• Calling for necessary reinforcements is for TV cops and pussies only.

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Dead Boyz Don’t Scream

Year of Release: 2006
Genre: Horror / Comedy
IMDB Rating: 3.9 / 10
Level of Awful: High

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Here at the B-Horror Blog I’m a firm believer in equal rights for all. What struck me, however, was that while I was updating the Crypt I began to think that this blog was falling short of this fundamental principal: movies here have focussed on the presence of breasts and female nudity to such an extent (see here, here, here, here, here, here and here)  that I began to worry that I was perpetuating the belief that it’s alright to objectify women. Now I had two options to try and rectify this situation: I could either find a movie where a team of super-attractive women (a doctor, a lawyer, a brain surgeon and a social worker) work together to solve murders without any of them getting killed. Finding such a movie would have been an impossible task so I decided to go with option two: find a movie that objectifies men to such an extent that it balances everything else out in one go. And I think I’ve succeeded! Dead Boyz Don’t Scream (‘boyz’? cuz these pimps are gangsta like that…) is a delightful softcore homoerotic porno in a horror movie’s veil. I’m incredibly happy that this movie balances out my previous female objectifications, because I’m not sure if I could handle this much penis in one go again any time soon…

So here we have some of the plot...

So, the movie. It’s not much of a movie to be honest. It’s delightfully trashy in it’s execution. The basic story starts with Tess, an agent for a select threesome of straight and overly studly (seriously, who goes to gym that much?!?) male models. I’m sure they had names but they escape me. It’s really not that important anyway. The main model that seems to protect the 2 and a half brain cells that the guys share has a friend coming into town and good lord is she slutty! 2 drinks later and she decides to go home with two of the three models (her friend doesn’t seem interested) and a photographer the guys know. When the foursome gets a little out of hand and the chick decides to call it a night the photographer lands up being thrown over the balcony railing into evening traffic by an unknown intruder. To punish the models for misbehaving and getting a good photographer killed Tessa sends them away to a ranch with no cellphone signal to work on a naked cowboy photo shoot until interest in the sex scandal dies down a little.

This is a major plot point right here...

So now we’re at a ranch somewhere in the mountains with no cellphone reception (why does nobody think that this has ‘bad idea’ written all over it?). Our three main guys are joined by The Poodles, supposedly the absolute must-haves in the male modelling world. The Poodles must be gay given their title, as well as a couple of some sort given that they seem to like feeling one another up. They are completely vapid and genuinely do seem to share a single brain cell with one another given that they say the same word (just one) at the same time and don’t seem to recognise a world outside of their iPod. What I found disturbing in this is the fact that they also seem to be brothers – they look alike, they speak alike and they are referred to as having the same parents. I’m not sure which subset of people this relationship is aimed at but the incestuous vibe was just creepy (which in turn makes it the only scary thing in this entire movie 🙂 ).

And, finally, the last important piece of the storyline.

Right, so now we have three studly straight men and two studly incestuous brothers running around this ranch with no clothing on (full frontals everywhere and quite long-lasting) being photographed. The problem comes in when main straight guy (I wanna say Christian – could be the name) gets angry at Tessa for bringing along her lesbian lover Belle van Dyke (I shit you not). It would appear that, back in the day, Christian (?) and Tessa had a thing and his ego can’t take the fact that she’s now into girls. He stalks into the night after beating up his one friend a little and things start to go awry for the group. A killer is stalking the ranch and bumping off our muscled crew one by one (not very convincingly, but doing it none the less). It now falls to our resourceful lesbians to find everyone, try and stop them from bickering with one another and somehow get everyone down off the mountain before they all land up dead and naked.

Who the killer is won’t surprise anyone, although the reasons behind it are a little out of the ordinary. This is by no means a traditional horror movie but rather a use of the horror genre to justify having 7 men running around naked (in the cold by the looks of things) for just under 80 minutes. That said, I feel I have now done my bit in furthering the cause of equal opportunity objectification 😀

No acting skills. No pants. No shame.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Softcore porn = art
• You should only avoid fully nude photographs of yourself when you’re starting your career, not once you’re an established model.
• Douche lords are remarkably protective of their slutty friends when she’s about to have a gangbang with his equally douchey friends.
• Wearing nothing but cowboy boots and a hat and hanging on one another is a great form of male bonding.
• Straight men in nothing but their underwear are very whiny in each other’s company.
• An agent’s worst nightmare is having male models running around in the woods with horny bears.
• Hit hooter once for noise, twice to stop.

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