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Banshee!!!

Year of Release: 2008
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 4 / 10
Level of Awful: High
Breast-O-Meter: 0 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

In the great big world of b-grade horror, with so many titles vying for my attention, a movie needs to do a little something to catch my eye and make me want to see it. The three exclamation marks in this one’s title were enough to do it for me, and after the crushing disappointment that was Kinky Killers I was ready for something that would tickle my funny bone a little. This one came very close to being funny, but was ultimately let down by the fact that the actors appear to have been picked up at the local bus station and given 5 minutes to remember their lines. By the time this reality fully drove itself home I was already about 20 minutes in, so I figured I might as well finish watching it.

The Un-Virgin Mary appears from the mist…

Back in 1970 smoking weed was all the rage. It was so fashionable, in fact, that it distracted certain men from the fact that they were sitting around in their mother’s basement, half-dressed and closing in on 40. It truly was a golden age. One fateful night three stoners, having previously passed a few lazy, hazy hours watching a rudimentary form of porn, decide that they’re hungry and head out in the pursuit of snacks. On this journey a miracle happens: out of the mist, in the middle of the road, accompanied by a wind machine and perfectly placed back light, emerges the female from said rudimentary porn video. Questioning nothing, including why she literally has buckets of green saliva, the stoners let her into the car and offer to drive her all night to get to her destination. This was the last Good Samaritan act any of them will ever perform. The woman quickly slashes all of them to pieces and crashes the car into a shallow puddle of water, where it will lie untouched for nearly 40 years.

You need all this to fix a radio?

In the year 2008 the shallow puddle of water has since evaporated, leaving the old car exposed. Jack Gorman, with the help of two buddies, his dog and some industrial building machinery, manages to drag the old car out for reasons vaguely alluded to. In the car’s boot he discovers a very strange, squishy object that (to the trained monster movie eye) resembles a kind of cocoon. He thinks nothing about it, and heads on home for dinner. Elsewhere in the forest a group of young college creatures has just arrived to celebrate Spring Break. Veronica, our blonde and chinless heroine, wants to get together with all her old friends to rekindle the interest they once had in one another. Whilst it was hard to imagine anyone once having an interest in any member of this group, I decided to suspend disbelief and see where the movie wanted to take me.

Cave Man Banshee goes a huntin’.

Just to clear up any confusion anyone may be experiencing, the cocoon from earlier had a banshee (!!!) in it and now it’s running around the woods. The kids find this out relatively early into their camping trip when one of them gets a branch rammed through their face. Jack and his nephew Rocker have been having a stand-off with the creature for a few days, but it’s making quick work of anyone else who just happens to be wandering through the woods. Its scream isn’t only debilitating but, if you’re exposed to it for long enough, your head will explode. When the surviving kids manage to find Jack’s house they all need to band together to fend off the banshee (!!!) or land up being ripped limb from limb and drained of blood. Personally, in a toss-up between the dismemberment and watching this movie again, I’m still in two minds about which one I’d go for.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • So far as stalkers go you could do a lot worse than the average looking black guy.
  • Good friends will teleport ahead of the group to set up the camp site.
  • It’s very unusual for a banshee to live outside its natural Irish habitat.
  • Women who go camping are just asking to be pursued by a sexual deviant.
  • When your wife has been brutally slain you should wait a few days before mopping up the blood.
  • Some people go to college to do more than just drink beer and pee on things.

BANSHEE!!! TRAILER

BUY BANSHEE!!! AT AMAZON.COM

Aerobicide

Year of Release: 1987
Genre: Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 4.1 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium

MUSIC!

Jill Colucci – Woman on Fire

Donna de Lory – Only You Tonight

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

First off, let me welcome you back to another installment from my 1987 themed month of July! Secondly, welcome to my first review to not only feature a cheesy movie, but also cheesy music from said cheesy movie. We all know that the 80s was a terrible time in many ways, not least of all in its choice of hair styles and clothing ensembles. It would feel a shame, however, if its music didn’t in some way come into play as well. To properly enjoy this review, I recommend playing either one of the above classics and mellowing to my usual combination of dry wit and mild desperation 🙂 That said, so far as 80s movies go, Aerobicide was a lot of fun. It certainly doesn’t take itself seriously, so why should we? If you want a trip down movie memory lane that doesn’t hurt too much, then this one’s for you!

It seems unfair to just give away the entire plot in a single picture...

We start our movie off with Valerie, a charming young lady on the cusp of womanhood. She’s fit, she’s beautiful and she just got a phone call from her agent saying that she’ll be flying to Paris in the morning to shoot pictures for one of the world’s most fashionable woman’s magazines. All she has to do before she leaves is quickly pop into town to the tanning salon and bronze herself up a little bit. Seems simple enough, but beautiful young women about to become super models rarely have it that easy in a slasher movie. After making her way to the tanning bed and stripping down in a manner that’s just seductive enough without being a tad porno she climbs into the booth and positions herself in such a way that the camera man was instantly drawn to her arse. This is when something goes very wrong and the machine shorts out, starting a fire inside and roasting Valerie like a little marshmallow. After a few minutes of electrical surges and Valerie’s screams everything goes quiet, and the room is plunged into darkness.

Bitch please...

But enough of all this depressing ‘woman burning in a tanning bed’ nonsense; this is a plot point the movie’s saving for later. Now we need to run on down to Rhonda’s Workout, the choice gym for virtually every woman in town. It’s one of those gyms that helps the movie’s audience out by only having one token fat person on an exercise bike for all of 20 seconds while everyone else is beautifully thin and running around in all their spandex-clad glory. All the exercise programmes here are specifically designed to make women be as provocative as possible to some of the most cheesy (but embarrassingly catchy) 80s music there is. Again though nothing good ever happens to women prancing around seductively in tight-fitting outfits in a slasher movie, so there’s bound to be a killer running around somewhere. He pops up quite early on in the movie during one of the initial shower scenes where he stabs one of the beautiful ladies to death with a giant safety-pin and business gets a little messy for Rhonda.

It wouldn't be a gym without two guys beating the crap out of one another.

Given her, how shall we say, ‘unashamed’ clientelle, Rhonda’s quite tough and prefers to focus on the exercise aspect of gyming over the more dropping-it-to-the-floor-and-raising-your-arse-in-the-air part of the experience. I suppose as the owner of a gym where her clients are being killed off at an alarming rate you have to do something that makes it worthwhile for the survivors to come back. Luckily for her her business partner, who we never meet, has sent in some burly assistance in the form of Chuck, a blonde Adonis in little red shorts out to see exactly what’s going on and why the local police department has to keep restocking its body bag supply. Then there’s Jimmy, a strange and unsettling man who’s been eyeing out Rhonda for quite some time and who becomes incredibly aggressive when she turns him down (repeatedly) or another man (i.e. Chuck) looks at her. As a final measure to try and sort all of this out there’s Lt. Morgan, a complete asshole of a policeman if ever there was one. He’s here to solve the case and he’ll arrest people, lock them up, have them tried and then scream at them without any evidence whatsoever. Because, at the end of the day, catching a killer’s all about a gut feeling you get, and evidence just stands in the way of that feeling.

And what does all of this have to do with poor Valerie? Well, you’ll just have to watch and see for yourself (it’s quite clever really).

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • Everyone who goes to gym is slender and beautiful with an enormous rack.
  • When the guys have all gone home the female instructors like to sneak into the locker room and play with their jock straps.
  • Rigor mortis does one hell of a job on the nipples.
  • Women are instantly aroused when well-muscled men start beating each other up.
  • The best interrogation method is for the policeman to scream and threaten the witness.
  • Fear for one’s life at the hands of a serial killer is far outweighed by the need to work out.

AEROBICIDE TRAILER

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