Blog Archives

Heatstroke

Year of Release: 2008
Genre: Sci-Fi / Horror
IMDB Rating: 3.5 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium
Breast-O-Meter: 0 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Global warming: the great threat our generation faces. A number of possibilities have been given for what causes it: burning fossil fuels, deforestation, increased solar output, the list just goes on. The truth, however, lies in Heatstroke: aliens are the cause of global warming. This was a fantastic movie to watch; it goes back to the good old days of Syfy original movies where the special effects are so awful that they give you a great belly laugh while the endings aren’t anti climatic, a problem faced by so many recent Syfy movies. If you’re in the mood for a good laugh, some cheesy sci-fi goodness and indulging in an alien conspiracy theory then this is the movie for you!

Well well well, look what the tide washed in.

It’s a beautiful day for the world to end in Hawaii. The sky is blue, the oceans are crystal clear and bikini models are frolicking gayly on the beaches during a photo shoot. Captain Steve O’Bannon is busy flying his ultralight around one of the islands, taking a relaxing afternoon to monitor any usual radiation levels that may exist in these here parts. Given that this is such a relaxing pursuit and the weather is absolutely gorgeous he doses off behind the wheel of his 1 man aircraft and begins a rapid decent towards a tree. Thankfully there’s something very similar to a velociraptor living in the tree and it leaps up to try and guide the aircraft away but, unfortunately, takes a giant bite out of the ultralight’s engine. Captain Steve awakes with a start and is forced to make an emergency landing in the middle of the bikini models’ photo shoot, much to their dismay.

The script's first draft was a painful sight for all concerned.

Following Captain Steve’s emergency landing head bikini model Caroline comes over to read the man the riot act for interrupting this photo shoot of groundbreaking importance to mankind. When Captain Steve doesn’t seem very interested Caroline brings over her hired goons, who Captain Steve quickly dispenses with. He beats the crap out of them again later when he finds them at a bar, this time with the help of his team mates Jillian and Waters (first name unknown). Somehow between coming to the bar, having a boiling beer and beating the crap out of everyone the team (including final team-mate Romeo Romero) decides that there must be something on the island causing the strange radiation spikes and they’re determined to find out what it is.

He died a hero. 1000 alien virgins await him in heaven.

The cause of the radiation, of course, is an alien invasion. The aliens look like some reject bunch of dinosaurs and have come to earth to heat up our climate to make it a little more hospitable for themselves. I don’t know about you, but personally I find it a little rude when guests drop in on your planet unannounced and then spend the whole time complaining about how you’ve chosen to do the place up. Captain Steve wasn’t about to tolerate this lack of manners in the first place and he certainly isn’t about to tolerate these rather rude invaders when they start melting the faces off his crew and the hapless bikini models that inhabit the island. Unfortunately, since he isn’t a rogue scientist and is contracted by the US military to study these creatures, he’s going to have to play things by the book, at least until he can discover just how big their plans are and how quickly they plan on turning our little Blue Marble into an alien cafeteria. Thankfully he’s not alone in his mission to save the planet; he’ll be accompanied by a rag-tag group of old Hawaiian natives, military grunts and a bikini model with a flower in her hair. God speed to you all!

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • Models take great offence when people try to inspect their own crashed ultralights.
  • The military isn’t ready to believe global warming is the result of aliens living on earth.
  • Afghanistan is many things, but it’s certainly not a boring place to go on honeymoon.
  • Models are intrigued by kung fu fighting special ops agents.
  • Women are terrified when sounds come out of the woods.
  • ‘Top Secret’ means giving broad enough hints that everyone figures out what you’re doing.
  • Earth is a prime insect farming location for extraterrestrial life.
  • Earth can go from temperate to Venus in less than 2 hours.

HEATSTROKE SAMPLE

Dead Boyz Don’t Scream

Year of Release: 2006
Genre: Horror / Comedy
IMDB Rating: 3.9 / 10
Level of Awful: High

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Here at the B-Horror Blog I’m a firm believer in equal rights for all. What struck me, however, was that while I was updating the Crypt I began to think that this blog was falling short of this fundamental principal: movies here have focussed on the presence of breasts and female nudity to such an extent (see here, here, here, here, here, here and here)  that I began to worry that I was perpetuating the belief that it’s alright to objectify women. Now I had two options to try and rectify this situation: I could either find a movie where a team of super-attractive women (a doctor, a lawyer, a brain surgeon and a social worker) work together to solve murders without any of them getting killed. Finding such a movie would have been an impossible task so I decided to go with option two: find a movie that objectifies men to such an extent that it balances everything else out in one go. And I think I’ve succeeded! Dead Boyz Don’t Scream (‘boyz’? cuz these pimps are gangsta like that…) is a delightful softcore homoerotic porno in a horror movie’s veil. I’m incredibly happy that this movie balances out my previous female objectifications, because I’m not sure if I could handle this much penis in one go again any time soon…

So here we have some of the plot...

So, the movie. It’s not much of a movie to be honest. It’s delightfully trashy in it’s execution. The basic story starts with Tess, an agent for a select threesome of straight and overly studly (seriously, who goes to gym that much?!?) male models. I’m sure they had names but they escape me. It’s really not that important anyway. The main model that seems to protect the 2 and a half brain cells that the guys share has a friend coming into town and good lord is she slutty! 2 drinks later and she decides to go home with two of the three models (her friend doesn’t seem interested) and a photographer the guys know. When the foursome gets a little out of hand and the chick decides to call it a night the photographer lands up being thrown over the balcony railing into evening traffic by an unknown intruder. To punish the models for misbehaving and getting a good photographer killed Tessa sends them away to a ranch with no cellphone signal to work on a naked cowboy photo shoot until interest in the sex scandal dies down a little.

This is a major plot point right here...

So now we’re at a ranch somewhere in the mountains with no cellphone reception (why does nobody think that this has ‘bad idea’ written all over it?). Our three main guys are joined by The Poodles, supposedly the absolute must-haves in the male modelling world. The Poodles must be gay given their title, as well as a couple of some sort given that they seem to like feeling one another up. They are completely vapid and genuinely do seem to share a single brain cell with one another given that they say the same word (just one) at the same time and don’t seem to recognise a world outside of their iPod. What I found disturbing in this is the fact that they also seem to be brothers – they look alike, they speak alike and they are referred to as having the same parents. I’m not sure which subset of people this relationship is aimed at but the incestuous vibe was just creepy (which in turn makes it the only scary thing in this entire movie 🙂 ).

And, finally, the last important piece of the storyline.

Right, so now we have three studly straight men and two studly incestuous brothers running around this ranch with no clothing on (full frontals everywhere and quite long-lasting) being photographed. The problem comes in when main straight guy (I wanna say Christian – could be the name) gets angry at Tessa for bringing along her lesbian lover Belle van Dyke (I shit you not). It would appear that, back in the day, Christian (?) and Tessa had a thing and his ego can’t take the fact that she’s now into girls. He stalks into the night after beating up his one friend a little and things start to go awry for the group. A killer is stalking the ranch and bumping off our muscled crew one by one (not very convincingly, but doing it none the less). It now falls to our resourceful lesbians to find everyone, try and stop them from bickering with one another and somehow get everyone down off the mountain before they all land up dead and naked.

Who the killer is won’t surprise anyone, although the reasons behind it are a little out of the ordinary. This is by no means a traditional horror movie but rather a use of the horror genre to justify having 7 men running around naked (in the cold by the looks of things) for just under 80 minutes. That said, I feel I have now done my bit in furthering the cause of equal opportunity objectification 😀

No acting skills. No pants. No shame.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • Softcore porn = art
  • You should only avoid fully nude photographs of yourself when you’re starting your career, not once you’re an established model.
  • Douche lords are remarkably protective of their slutty friends when she’s about to have a gangbang with his equally douchey friends.
  • Wearing nothing but cowboy boots and a hat and hanging on one another is a great form of male bonding.
  • Straight men in nothing but their underwear are very whiny in each other’s company.
  • An agent’s worst nightmare is having male models running around in the woods with horny bears.
  • Hit hooter once for noise, twice to stop.

DEAD BOYS DON’T SCREAM TRAILER

%d bloggers like this: