The Legend of Bloody Mary Ft. Tropical Mary

Year of Release: 2008
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 2.7 / 10
Level of Awful: High
Breast-O-Meter: 1 /5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Every now and then you need to get together and celebrate the works of a fallen sister; it’s for this reason that Tropical Mary settled on watching The Legend of Bloody Mary with me – I was just there for the emotional support. Turns out we needed a fair bit of it, because this movie was both horrible and, for the most part, highly non-sensical. Take my word for it – it can be very difficult watching a ‘current day’ scenario running alongside a protracted flashback, both of which have another flashback embedded in them. This confusing scenario is tethered together with some atrocious acting, oddly placed mini-skirts, a skate boarder who never skates, and the rampant abuse of a blue filter that serves no purpose whatsoever. Watch it if you dare!

Dat angst!

It’s a tale as old as time: Amish girl gets pregnant by “immaculate conception”, town fathers hold an inquiry, no one owns up to impregnating girl, town fathers conclude it was immaculate conception – but by the devil, girl is punished for her vanity by being tied to a tree, cut with knives and forced to look at herself in a mirror while it’s happening, douche lord that actually impregnated girl does the most stabbing, girl succumbs to wounds and Hell’s fury, girl’s spirit becomes entrapped in the mirror and haunts stupid teenage girls for the rest of time. Her spirit will roam the world’s mirrors forever, her gradually decaying flesh calling out in a raspy voice that all she actually wants is some camphor cream and a lozenge. That is the story of Mary Worth.

When vague, blurry shadows attack…

Flash forward to the present day and meet Ryan (or Brian, we couldn’t really decide). Ryan’s about as interesting as a plank of wood and as useful as a knife with a sharp handle. Thankfully, although he’s nominally the main character of the movie, he actually has very little to do with all of it. His sister Amy was killed when the two of them were kids (and, despite him being a white, blue-eyed adult, when he was a green-eyed, hispanic child). Since then he’s been haunted by nightmare visions of Bloody Mary, so he enlists the help of Father O’Neil (aka Indiana Jehovah). Indiana Jehovah is as useless as Ryan/Brian, and the majority of his scenes are spent focussing on his eyes for reasons that aren’t immediately apparent.

Bitch, where’s my Halls?

The majority of the story, if that’s what we choose to call it, happens during the flashback to Amy’s encounters with Mary. Essentially it’s all a teenage game gone wrong (which is probably how Mary landed up pregnant in the first place): by writing her name, and the names of her friends, on a mirror, Amy has invoked Bloody Mary’s wrath, and she’s out to get all of them. To do so, Mary transforms into some of her more hi-tech alter egos, including Thrust Pack Mary, Hoverboard Mary, and Hover Shoes Mary. In some bizarre way this loops back to the present day and somehow involves a mass grave, some diaries from the 1600s, Mary’s mirror, and the most inept game of hot potato you’re ever likely to see. All of which, I must reiterate, could’ve been avoided if someone just gave the demonic bitch a lozenge.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• American Green Cards allow a person to change their race.
• 1 corpse is enough to designate an area as a mass grave.
• Carbon dating can be done in a single day.
• Games can have placebo effects.
• Nothing says casual Friday like a professional mini-skirt.

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Bite Marks

Year of Release: 2011
Genre: Horror / Comedy
IMDB Rating: 3.6 / 10
Level of Awful: Surprise!
Breast-O-Meter: 1 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

IMDB is a wonderful thing. Without it finding the movies for this blog would be incredibly difficult and the rating system gives you a vague idea of just how much pain you’re about to experience. Every now and then, though, I disagree with that rating system. It happened with Bikini Girls on Ice and now it’s happened with Bite Marks. This movie was actually really good and fun to watch and, unlike some other movies I’ve seen, it was intentionally funny. I’ll be the first to admit that I have low standards and if you throw in a waitress with a strong southern twang I’m happy but if you’re in the mood for some light-hearted horror then I suggest giving this one a spin.

Flaming (torch). Swallows (t-shirt).

Cary and Vogel are a nice young gay couple out on a backpacking adventure trying to rediscover some of the fire in their relationship. Cary is the nice, calm, down-to-earth guy and Vogel is, well, a slut. Vogel also doesn’t seem overly keen on this little adventure in the woods so when he manages to flag down a truck that’ll give them a ride he seems a little more content with life. Behind the wheel of the truck is Brewster, your typical rugged, unrefined but incredibly friendly truck driver. Not that he’s actually a truck driver but his brother went missing before he was meant to deliver some coffins to a funeral home so Brewster’s filling in for him. Not out of the kindness of his heart so much as he needs the money to keep up his affair with his brother’s wife but a favour is a favour. The three of them are soon on the road together, one to deliver coffins and two to see where the hell the road will take them.

Backstreet Boys: the later years.

Sadly Brewster, for all his rugged manliness, has been having troubles satisfying the ladies recently. Just can’t quite seem to keep the momentum going so to speak. The reason for this becomes glitteringly obvious when he spies Cary and Vogel getting in on in the filthy restroom of a restaurant they’ve stopped at along the way. Brewster’s not gay in any way, of course, but he does take the time to see how Cary and Vogel are doing and then feel himself up a little bit outside the door. Sexing and spying over it’s time to hit the road again and, as luck would have it, a car nearly crashes into them right outside their destination. If it hadn’t who knows how long they would’ve kept on driving.

Here's Jesus in your eye!

When the GPS tells them they’ve reached their destination our threesome is understandably confused. The coffins in the back are supposed to be going to a funeral home but the address they’ve been given is for a junk yard. Even more confusing are the noises coming from the back of the truck: sounds like someone’s playing a squash tournament back there. It becomes even more confusing when they open the back of the truck to discover only one coffin instead of the five listed on the inventory. This strangeness all comes to a head when suddenly, from out of nowhere, five ripped and bloody vampires appear and start nibbling on the owner of the junkyard. The truck’s axle is broken so nobody’s going anywhere so, armed with a cross, a toy Jesus, some holy water and a bible, Cary, Vogel and Brewster must lock themselves in the cab and try and stay alive until dawn, all the while trying to make sure the confined space and all that testosterone doesn’t get the better of them.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Sex is sex, so long as a lady gets her booze money.
• Some cell phones are so poorly made that their only practical use is as a butt plug.
• It’s quite common for waitresses to forget their panties in a public restroom.
• The best thing about being a man is that the whole world is your toilet.
• A torch is too small if you can’t even give a hamster a decent colonoscopy with it.
• Being trapped in a truck by vampires offers the perfect excuse for some same-sex experimentation.
• Good dogs make even better snacks.
• A burning vampire smells like a bag of spicy dog shit.

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