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Blood Dolls

Year of Release: 1999
Genre:  Comedy / Horror / Sci-Fi
IMDB Rating: 3.3 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium

WHAT ITS ABOUT:

This was a great disappointment for me. Having been directed by Charles Band, the man who produced Puppet Master and Demonic Toys, I was hoping that this movie would have brought me some of the same somewhat-perverse joy at seeing a group of toys going off on a little killing spree armed with little weapons that they use with great creativity. Sadly all that Blood Dolls manages to succeed at is rehashing an old idea and ripping it to shreds. That said, the movie does get points for having a little bit of something for everyone: racism, BDSM, rock music, scary clowns, killer toys, female empowerment and dwarf tossing, to name but a few.

Our story centers around multi-billionaire Virgil Travis, a deformed recluse who is now incredibly pissed off that three business competitors have managed to screw him out of a billion dollars. As all good reclusive mad scientists do in times such as this, Travis begins plotting his revenge against those that dared to cross his path. To do this he creates three killer dolls out of the people who failed him the most:  the prosecutor, the judge and the lawyer that failed to defend him. The dolls are accompanied on their various missions by Travis’ henchman Mr Mascaro (supposedly a human version of Jack Attack from Demonic Toys), a seemingly competent individual who likes to wear clown makeup. But while the dolls take Travis’ revenge on his nemeses and the midget butler keeps the encaged rock band playing, everything is not as it seems and there is a player in the game that Travis has not considered.

THINGS I’VE LEARNED:

  • When exposed to a vacuum, the human body naturally converts itself into an action figure.
  • Being turned into an action figure makes people evil.
  • People are capable of having fully functioning brains even when their heads are the size of a kiwi fruit.
  • When not killing people, evil dolls just like to play around like kids.
  • Electronic gates open without electricity.
  • When using a guitar like a golf club, midgets can be thrown great distances.
  • Saying “nothing human can touch you, I’d bet my life on it” means that you will be attacked by some otherworldly creature.
  • Clowns frequently have a side job as a minister.

Zombie Women of Satan

Year of Release: 2009
Genre:  Horror
IMDB Rating: 3.4 / 10
Level of Awful: High

WHAT ITS ABOUT:

When nobody bothers to make a Wikipedia page for a movie it really tells you something. Zombie Women of Satan is also a misleading title since Satan, like the plot-line, is nowhere to be found.

A travelling group of freaks, headed up by Pervo the Clown, go to a rural farm to take part in a webcast interview to help them gain more followers and make the public aware of their awesome freakishness. Unbeknownest to our little group, however, this same rural farm is also home to a combined cult for women / zombie research laboratory. When the zombie virus is mistakenly added to a bowl of punch women, with breasts flying, are sent on a murderous, cannibalistic rampage that only this little band of circus freaks can stop. To add a little suspense the main kick-ass female of the group, Red Zander, discovers her long-lost sister in amongst the women of the cult. The group must then attempt to save the sister while avoiding the mad doctor, his weird and mad children, his weirdly demented and tied-up wife (or mother, or wife / mother – the movie isn’t really clear on this one), as well as the now-zombified members of this odd little cult.

But never fear, dear viewer: to ensure that the tension of this movie doesn’t all become too much, it is broken up by a good 10 minutes of a midget named Zeus taking a shit in the woods.

THINGS I’VE LEARNED:

  • In a world filled with homophobia, the perverted clown and gay cowboy couple will never be allowed to know just how long their love could last.
  • When done in the name of science, having sex with a zombie is completely ethical.
  • It is also entirely appropriate to show said sex scene with the zombie to your mother (or grandmother, or mother / girlfriend or mother / grandmother / sex slave – again, this is a grey area).
  • Daddy issues will lead girls to start and organise cults to get their father’s attention.
  • A good zombie research scientist is confident enough in his work to not keep a large supply of guns and bullets on hand.
  • Clowns have a really bad aim when armed with a chainsaw.
  • Midgets, like bears, really do shit in the woods.
  • Before fighting off a pack of zombies, be sure to remove all of the protective armour you happened to have on at the time.

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