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Goth

Year of Release: 2003
Genre: Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 3.4 / 10
Level of Awful: High
Breast-O-Meter: 3 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

You really have to love those amazing horror movie collections you can find at your nearest grocery store. They lurk at the very depths of the bargain movie bins and you just never know what you’re going get, but whatever it is you know it won’t be good. Goth comes from just such a collection. Made on a shoe-string budget with a hand-held home video camera and actors who look like they’re freshly flunked out of drama school, this movie goes to show just how evil some directors can be. IMDB’s little blurb tells us that “Goth blurs the boundaries between reality-driven horror and the hallucinatory style of Requiem for a Dream…” It really doesn’t. It may blur the boundaries between reality and insanity (in a ‘I can’t believe I’m watching this crap’ kind of way), but any pretence that this movie attempts to follow in the heels of a well made film is an utter joke. I am proud of myself for watching it, however, because Tropical Mary, Stygian Mole and the Occult Specialist had to turn it off when they watched it together, proving once and for all that I am very hardcore 🙂

Goth, spelled G-A-Y C-L-U-B.

Come along and join us for an evening of gothic delights. Meet Crissy, the most girl-next-door goth you’ll ever meet. Crissy doesn’t say much in the beginning, but that’s because when she opens her mouth nothing but weird shit comes out. She’s going out with her boyfriend Boone, who’s gothic in a gay hipster kind of way. They’re super excited to be going to a concert at the local hell hole (note to the director: 20 drunk emo high school kids in a bar does not a concert make) where they’ll take an assortment of drugs, drink absinthe and have a generally gothic good time. While at the club Crissy meets her newest BFF, Goth. That’s her name: Goth. Why? Because she’s goth. I make the point that Goth is a goth because the movie itself likes to drive this point home every bit as emphatically. Goth is trying to find other goths who are as goth as she is. After saving Crissy and Boone from being mugged Goth gives the pair a drug called White Light and the party really begins to get underway.

Like, OMG! We’re, like, so TOTALLY goth right now!

After accepting a strange drug in a skull container from a complete stranger named Goth Crissy and Boone seem surprised to find themselves waking up in a strange van miles away from the club they started out at. Goth’s van is very goth, with skulls all over the place and a variety of drugs just littered about in old pizza boxes. Now the reason for this minor kidnapping is that Goth wants to see just how goth these two new goths are. This is because there are apparently two types of goths: goths like Goth, who are more akin to Satanists than anything else, and goths that are really just angsty teenagers who wear a lot of black. Goth has several goth rules that all goths should live by, and tonight will be a goth test to see if goth Crissy and goth Boone can be every bit as goth as Goth. You following me? Good. Thrown in at random intervals amongst all this gothness are several flashbacks to Crissy with her sister in a decidedly less goth fashion, just to keep you in suspense.

Mmm, AB negative, my favourite!

The evening begins to take a bit of a downward turn (or a turn for the better, depending on how goth you really are) when Goth decides to go all goth on people and telling Crissy that she needs to kill some people and that Boone needs to have sex with fat hookers. Why? Because that’s the goth thing to do. In essence what Goth is actually getting at is that you need to behave like a petulant child with a sharp knife, but somehow defining this as ‘goth’ will make it a lot more hardcore than it really is. Boone has his reservations about all this, but apparently Goth threatening to kill a room full of hookers is enough to change his mind. Crissy doesn’t question anything and is all game to go along for the ride, timidly chastising Boone whenever he cares to voice a thought. But the flashbacks keep coming at us, and it becomes somewhat clear that Crissy has ulterior motives for going along with all this and Goth (and her red pleather mini skirt) will have to watch out or suffer the wrath of a Crissy scorned.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • Gothic sex tastes better when you have it on a dirty floor.
  • Goths are really leading the peer pressure drive when it comes to taking mysterious drugs.
  • Punk gothic dominatrixes are really trippy.
  • Be on the lookout for gothic drug delivery vans, coming to a neighbourhood near you.
  • Becoming a goth requires more intense training and dedication than becoming a Tibetan monk.
  • Having a knife poked in your eye and pleather rubbing against you really isn’t a turn on.
  • Being gothic is about experiencing true love and learning to tolerate people from all walks of life.
  • Embracing the darkness includes having sex in front of a  gathering of goths and hookers.
  • You can’t be a true goth if you attempted suicide and failed.
  • A goth lesbian’s vagina is a portal to memories of happier times.

GOTH TRAILER

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Necrosis

Year of Release: 2009
Genre: Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 3.3 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Right, let’s start this review off on a good note: the views from the filming location were spectacular! OK, now that that’s out of the way, we can get on with the movie itself. It wasn’t the worst thing I’ve ever seen, and I think I understand what it was aiming for, but nothing pulled together nicely. The ghosts were quite nicely done, but you see them so rarely that they don’t really make much of a difference. The characters are a little grating on the nerves and seem incapable of communicating through any form of cohesive thought process, choosing rather to throw little fragments of speech at one another and hoping that somewhere along the line the pieces will fall together in some recognisable pattern.

Pinhead: The early years.

Like many horror movies before it, Necrosis (a.k.a. Blood Snow) tries to build a story around the tragic event that was the Donner Party. Of course historical accuracy is thrown out the window and what was once a story of human tragedy and the desperate lengths people will go to to survive becomes a short 3 minute introduction that portrays the Donner Party in what resembles a frenzied blood-lust. Satan’s hoofs are also thrown in for good measure. As usually happens when an area has experienced terrible horrors the story has passed into local folklore and the ghosts of both the victims and the murderers of the Donner Party are said to walk in the woods, both trying to lead unknowing victims to their frozen dooms.

Needs salt!

But who cares about some gruesome local history and an approaching blizzard when you have a rented cabin on top of the mountain where there’s no cellphone reception or way back down if things were to go wrong? So along come our 6 friends / victims: couple Michael and Karen (Tiffany!), couple Jerry and Megan and singles-who’ve-been-bet-on-to-hook-up Matt and Samantha. There are the obvious hints that Matt’s been brought along by Michael to help him get over some recent emotional setback and nobody likes Jerry. Apart from that, the generator not working properly or the caretaker turning up frozen in the snow a few hours after the group arrives, this should be a lovely, relaxing weekend where the assembled company can get away from the hustle and bustle of the concrete jungle. Which is why they chose to go somewhere with no cellphone reception. Far away. In a blizzard. Clearly no one in this group saw The Shining, because we all know how well that worked out…

Santa Claus when job dissatisfaction really kicks in...

Soon after arriving and finding the frozen caretaker the group begins to experience some very vivid nightmares (well, one features cannibalism and the one features a topless woman who later resorts to cannibalism, so I’m not sure if it’s a half-and-half nightmare). Jerry’s also beginning to behave very strangely, convinced that he is seeing the ghosts of the Donner Party coming after him and his friends. These visions aren’t helped by the fact that the body of the caretaker just disappears from the snow (the group thinks it was probably an animal that dragged the body away but, while the characters didn’t seem to notice this, there are no marks in the snow to indicate that the body was dragged anywhere). Michael and Karen also went off a while ago to try and get help from the nearest town but Jerry is convinced a ghost has shown him their dead bodies. The problem with all of this is that Jerry has a history of mental ‘episodes’ for which he is on strong antipsychotics, and this forms the basis of the last 25 minutes of the movie. You know, the 25 minutes where something almost happens?

Again, I see what the director was going for, but it just didn’t quite pan out. So many elements are introduced to try and make the audience wonder whether the ghosts are real or if the group themselves are slowly descending into madness, and these certainly succeed at adding some confusion to an otherwise boring movie. But heed this lesson dear aspiring directors: if you introduce plot elements, you need to try and resolve them and not just leave them hanging in mid-air when the end credits roll round.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • Store bought possum just doesn’t compare to one that’s been freshly caught.
  • A foosball table turns a bland, ordinary room into an amazing game room.
  • Going exploring on a mountain you don’t know alone while it’s snowing is a fantastic idea.
  • Cannibalism is OK because humans taste like chicken.
  • Peeing someone’s name in the snow is a sign of true love.
  • If you owned a Mustang at some point in your life there isn’t anything you can’t fix.

NECROSIS TRAILER


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