Year of Release: 2008
IMDB Rating: 4.2 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium
WHAT ITS ABOUT:
To be fair, let me start this review off on a positive note. In a flooded market like the horror genre, many movies are simply bad rehashes of other movies that were done much better on a bigger budget with far better actors. In amongst all of the rehashes this movie stands out in that there aren’t many films out there that feature a family of pig-human hybrids (with characters like these now falling into a sub-genre that fans have dubbed ‘Hogsploitation’). That said, this movie still has various layers of terrible upon which it has been built and that is why it has found itself a home in my collection of horrible horrors.
Squeal briefly starts off with yet another bunch of cooky scientists going about their day trying to play God. The audience isn’t told why they’re doing what they’re doing, but someone in the group clearly felt that the world is somehow incomplete without a group of pig-humans in it. Unfortunately, like many mad scientists, this lot simply did not realise that, in a complete circle of life, your genetic experiments inevitably land up jumping off the operating table when you fail to secure them properly and land up killing you, which our little Piggies do in this time-honoured tradition.
These little Piggies remind me in a way of affirmative action: not quite human enough to get a regular day-job and not quite pig enough to simply live it up in a sty, our Piggies have instead built themselves a sty house. Thankfully they also seem to have access to TV and have seen The Hills Have Eyes because these Piggies are clever and know how to set traps to catch their food, as one unfortunate motorist finds out in the final bit of secondary-story before the main plot-line decides to kick in. Ethical questions abound with this kind of hunting: as a pig-human hybrid, does eating normal humans make you a cannibal or only a semi-cannibal? What if the victim ate bacon before he left home to be murdered? But I digress. Time to move onto the main storyline.
Our (main) story begins with a band of musicians, their uptight manager and two sexually-insatiable groupies heading off to perform at a gig. As any good band knows, you need to let the already stupid driver get completely stoned out of his mind as he is driving if you want this “tour” to be successful. What follows is a very drawn-out driving sequence interspliced with beer drinking, misogynistic insults and groupies who need to be restrained in order to keep their tops on. With these kind of events and this kind of acting, it actually comes as a relief when one of the Piggies hops out into the road, forcing the van into a ditch and leaving it unable to drive. So Lead Band Member, Disgruntled Manager and Dumb Driver head off to look for help while Other Band Member and Horny Groupy #1 and Horny Groupy #2 stay in the van.
Following the crash the audience is thrown into is a series of murders, kidnappings and never-ending chase scenes as our family of Piggies, Daddy Pig, Mommy Pig and their child (I think the technical term is a ‘kidlet’) systematically kidnap, imprison and kill the members of our touring band using a mixture of brute strength, pitch forks, cleavers and guitars. The members of the band never know what’s going to happen next, mainly owing to the fact that the Piggies communicate through a series of grunts and oinks that spell out their very doom.
In closing, when you have a movie centered on Piggies with the tag-line ‘A Twisted Tail of Horror’ that tries to take itself seriously, you know you’re in for a rough ride.
THINGS I’VE LEARNED:
- Kidlets just want to be pretty and wear makeup.
- Piggies REALLY don’t like to be disturbed when they’re watching their favourite shows.
- Mommy Piggies get very jealous when their husbands look at normal human females.
- Kidlets are far more effective killers than their parents when armed with two kitchen knives.
- Hanging meat in a humid, dirty room is the best way to preserve it.
- Piggies can magically appear in an open field where there was nothing a moment before.
- Throwing your cellphone into a field guarantees that you will be killed by a Piggy.
- Daddy Piggies are voyeurs and like to watch the human mating ritual before imprisoning them in a sty.