Vampire Boys 2: The New Brood

Year of Release: 2013
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: – / 10
Level of Awful: Medium
Breast-O-Meter: 0 /5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Ever since I watched the original Vampire Boys last year it has been my go-to reference for gay vampire horror erotica, and has become one of my ultimate guilty pleasure movies. I honestly couldn’t tell you why (although I suspect the copious amount of 80s inspired synth music may have something to do with it), but every time I watch it I have some of the best laughs ever. When I heard that there was a sequel in the works I obviously had to get my hands on it, and the lovely people over at Ariztical were kind enough to send me an advance screener copy. So, is the sequel any good? Well, it has none of the original cast, the plot’s paper-thin, the acting’s generally appalling, there’s some very dubious sound editing going on throughout the whole thing, and there are 7 gratuitous penis shots. So, the answer is yes! yes! a thousand times yes! I loved this movie from giggling beginning to maniacal laughter end, and I couldn’t recommend it enough to those of you strong enough to withstand the constant barrage of dead-pan faces and naked torsos.

Would you like some side ball with your murder?

It’s been a whole year since the events of the first film, and Jasin and Caleb’s love continues to grow brighter and stronger. Jasin remains the undisputed leader of his peace-loving coven in LA, Caleb’s constantly being told to go off and attend classes and university, and Jasin’s ex, Tara, has moved in with them, making her the world’s possibly first vampire fag hag. It’s a beautiful little set up the three of them have going: Jasin and Tara exchange adult conversation, Caleb and Tara act like two high school girls around one another, and Jasin and Caleb spend the better part of their day naked in bed together. Truly, it is the American Dream gone horribly awry. But is this really paradise, or simply a ticking time bomb of immortal hormones and anger waiting to overflow?

Because naked blood sucking is the best blood sucking.

Obviously it’s a ticking time bomb, and all it needs is a match to the fuse to get it all going. Enter Demetrius onto the scene (and it’s now that I really wish I could broadcast Tropical Mary’s Afrikaans accent over the internet so you can hear how a name like that should really be pronounced). Demetrius is trying to set up his own coven in LA, and has acquired the use of a local boxing rink to help him find recruits. You see, while Jasin and his coven place peace and harmony above all other things, Demetrius really just likes to watch men beat the crap out of one another for sport (and possibly some kinky kind of sex thing, but the movie doesn’t really go into that). If only he could find a member of Jasin’s coven who’s really pissed off and would want to see Jasin and Caleb’s love torn asunder…

It’s Pirate Night down at the gay vampire fight club!

And there, as if from some crack-addled dream, emerges Tara in all her enormous-breasted glory! She’s still new to this whole vampire thing, so she’s easily put under Demetrius’ spell, which allows all her pent-up aggression to be set loose on the world. She’d be more than happy to slit dear little Caleb’s throat from ear-to-ear, but they’re gonna have to trick Jasin into letting his guard down. He can, after all, summon his army of shirtless vampire bodyguards at any time. But if all of this is in the name of revenge, what exactly is Demetrius’ beef with Jasin? Is a bleach-blonde man in a pair of tighty whities really a good choice for a new vampire convert? Why do you have to strip your victim of his pants and underwear before you drain him of all his blood? Just how big are Tara’s boobs anyway? Why does no one own a button shirt with any buttons? Why was there Tang in the pepper shaker at that little coffee shop? These are but some of the questions I had watching this movie, and it managed to answer at least a quarter of them. Truly, this was the best 80 minutes I’ve spent watching a movie in a long time.

Now, Ariztical, let’s talk about Vampire Boys 3…

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Boxing schools were created so that dads can send their sons there to be de-gayed.
• At the end of the day, love will only get you two puncture wounds in your neck.
• Vegan gay vampires feed on stags, but are occasionally known to partake of a beaver. You know, out of curiosity.
• Few people plan to become vampires when they start university.
• Vampires perform community service by draining irritating, yappy dogs dry.
• When a vampire compels you, you suddenly start doing the robot.
• A vampire’s built-in GPS only kicks in when they eat their first human.
• Recently turned vampires want two things: food, and then lots of gay sex.
• A vampire’s first feed is always best if both they and their victim is naked.
• Being a doctor and a vampire usually creates a conflict of interest.
• First rule of gay vampire fight club: everyone come with a lisp and tight pants.

VAMPIRE BOYS 2: THE NEW BROOD TRAILER

BUY VAMPIRE BOYS 2: THE NEW BROOD AT AMAZON.COM

Vampire Boys

Year of Release: 2011
Genre: Horror / Romance
IMDB Rating: 2.5 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium
Breast-O-Meter: 0 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Oh dear, watching this back to back with Hookers in a Haunted House really wasn’t my best idea; between the two of them I’m not sure I have a sexual orientation anymore. With such high-profile stars as Jason Lockhart (of Aliens VS Avatars fame) and gay porn star Dylan Vox you can only begin to imagine the ride this movie’s 70 minutes are going to take you on. With all that said, provided you can withstand being constantly bombarded with naked torsos and the occasional penis, this movie is a great laugh; it’s so completely (and unintentionally) over the top you can’t help but roll your eyes and giggle at the sheer ludicracy of it all.

This is not what rock 'n' roll looks like.

Caleb’s just your regular young gay man moving to California to get away from the close-mindedness that is the American midwest. Being a trusting young thing he’s moving in with Paul, another conveniently gay man who just happened to be looking for a roommate. Caleb’s eager to leave his tarnished past as an all-star swimming champion behind and dedicate himself solely to pursuing a degree and finding the ideal spot for drinking herbal teas for hours on end. Paul has other ideas, but a more immediate concern for Caleb is what the enigmatic Jasin has in store for him.

It's just a routine lice inspection mother!

As a sign of the age we live in Jasin is considered an incredibly ancient vampire since he’s about to turn 100. Vampire law dictates that on his centenary Jasin needs to take a life mate, but finding this person is proving to be rather tricky. Up until this point Jasin and his flamboyant coven were convinced The One was Tara, a lovely, if somewhat desperate, young lady. This all changes when Caleb rocks up in town and Jasin starts to have visions (of a sexual nature) of him. Intrigued by this turn of events Jasin decides to court Caleb to see how open to being turned into a vampire he might be.

There I was, minding my own business, when suddenly: penis!

But of course since we’ve introduced all these other characters so we need to do something with them. Caleb becomes instantly smitten with Jasin, leaving poor Paul out in the cold. Not one to simply accept defeat Paul resorts to whining and well placed topless guitar playing in an attempt to seduce his would-be sweetheart. When this and more direct methods fail Caleb storms off and Jasin, sensing his boy toy is displeased, sends the shirtless coven to take care of business. One would hope that this would take care of the problem but soon there is dissension in the ranks. Fighting against gay vampire rights Logan, Jasin’s right-hand fang, insists that Tara should be chosen as The One. When Jasin refuses to listen Logan abducts Tara, hoping to draw Caleb out into the open so he can kill him. Can Jasin save Tara and keep the love of his life? Does Caleb love Jasin enough to be turned into a vampire? Will anyone ever come out fully clothed? You’ll have to watch to find out.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Herbal teas are sometimes the best idea a person can ever have.
• Male vampires do enjoy a spot of synchronised sun tanning.
• Roommates should feel comfortable enough with one another to walk around virtually naked.
• Gay vampire seduction is infinitely more awkward than straight vampire seduction.
• Living in a more enlightened age means that vampires can now freely hunt members of either sex to bolster the coven’s numbers.
• Men just give in to their girlfriend’s requests to have a threesome under a sunflower bush.
• Gay vampires are incredibly worried about disappointing their mothers.
• All star swimming champions are worshipped as gods in the midwestern states.
• Herbal tea has a gargantuan calorie count.
• Stray bullets tend to put a dampener on an otherwise perfect afternoon.
• Vampires communicate with mortals through tongue-on-tongue action.

VAMPIRE BOYS TRAILER

BUY VAMPIRE BOYS AT AMAZON.COM

Howling III: The Marsupials

Year of Release: 1987
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 2.7 / 10
Level of Awful: High

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

When I first discovered the joys of buying b-grade movies in bulk this was one of the first movies I ever took out of the box and watched and, admittedly, have seen far more times than any individual ever should. Not being a great fan of the werewolf sub-genre I’ve never seen any of the other Howling movies but, from what I’ve gathered, it was all pretty much all downhill after the first one. If it got worse after this I really don’t know how they managed it. The concept is just plain daft, but not daft in a good way. On the up side, at least we get a rare opportunity to understand how werewolves, like any other species, evolved and adapted to suit their particular niche in the world. Good on Nicole Kidman for saying no to the lead role!

Hmmm... I think I'll escape and go star in a crappy werewolf movie!

Deep, deep in the barren wastelands of Australia’s outback evolution has decided to give the human race the finger. For many years we’ve all suspected that werewolves walked amongst us and wondered why some of our friends can never meet for drinks on a night when there’s a full moon. What we didn’t suspect was that different varieties of werewolves existed, each specially adapted to its natural environment. Here, in the outback, a very special variety of werewolves has existed under the noses of us humans: the marsupial werewolf. Like the kangaroo or the koala the female marsupial werewolf has a pouch on her stomach where the embryonic baby climbs into a few weeks after the mother became pregnant. They tend to live in little family groups, most often headed by an alpha male and several subservient females. This is where our tale of a little marsupial werewolf with a big dream begins…

Well I can understand why she took a vow of celibacy...

Apart from her pouch and the fact that she’s never known a world outside of her little clan Jerboa is your average young woman bursting with dreams of a better life. As she has now come of age the alpha male has had his eye on her and the other women have every intention of holding her down if that’s what the situation requires and Jerboa just isn’t that kind of girl; she wants to see the city, the lights, the Sydney Opera House! So off she runs one day, catches a bus and makes her way to the big city. Now the city can be a strange and dangerous place to an innocent young woman like Jerboa so it’s very fortunate that she runs into Donny who offers her the lead role in a new horror movie called Shapeshifters. Not knowing what a movie is or what the hell she’ll be expected to do Jerboa agrees anyway because this is one of those situations where it’s love at first sight and they can’t stand to be apart and so on and so on and so forth. If only life could be that simple…

Marsupial werewolves evolved this little trick just to avoid getting stretch marks.

Turns out that the pack Jerboa ran away from isn’t too wild about the fact that they’ve lost a female capable of breeding so somehow they manage to dig up three nuns’ outfits and send three of the women off to Sydney to track her down and bring her back home. The problem with this is that Jerboa and Donny have already done the deed and she currently has a little rat-like creature in her pouch just waiting to grow into something resembling a human. The only choice for the young couple? Make a mad run for it. Fortunately for them they won’t be doing it alone; on their side is Professor Beckmyer, a man obsessed with discovering the true nature of the werewolf and the injustices they have suffered at the hands of mankind, Olga, a Siberian werewolf who wants to mate with one of the marsupials to try and strengthen the bloodline (marsupial werewolves having the advantage of not having to carry their offspring to term) and Thylo, the alpha male of Jerboa’s pack, who escaped when the US government rounded them all up. All they have to do now is hide out in the wilderness and wait for a time when the world will be more accepting of their kind.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Horror directors will allow any old creature to star in their movies.
• In Australia any old creature can win a Best Actress award.
• Strobe lighting brings on a whole other kind of epilepsy in a marsupial werewolf.
• Young men are not at all disturbed when they find out the girl they fell madly in love with yesterday has a pouch.
• Young men won’t think twice about running off into the bush and abandoning their lives for said woman with a pouch.
• Just because it’s a werewolf skeleton it doesn’t mean it can’t still attack you.
• No ballerina’s outfit will ever make a werewolf look pretty.
• With time the Vatican will be shown to be tolerant of virtually anything.

HOWLING III: THE MARSUPIALS TRAILER