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Jason X

Year of Release: 2002
Genre: Horror / Sci-Fi
IMDB Rating: 4.3 / 10
Level of Awful: Surprise!
Breast-O-Meter: 1.5 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

I’m going to assume that any horror fan and their cat has, at some point, seen Jason X. I myself have seen it two or three times, but it wasn’t until I did a little browse around the internet that I realised just how much some people hate this movie. Now, I’ll admit, I’m not 100% sure I’ve seen all the Friday the 13th movies and if I have I definitely haven’t watched them in sequence, so I get that for the purists out there this movie probably makes you feel like Rob Zombie’s Halloween reboots make me feel. For the rest of us, this is just non-stop fun. It’s stupidly over the top, but the movie knows that and it makes it work for it. For the 3 people out there who haven’t watched this movie, go find it now. You’ll be doing yourself a favour!

The ultimate chemical peel.

Jason’s latest adventure begins in 2010 (so we’re in our old future) and Rowan, our lovely lady doctor, has cottoned on to the idea that this bastard just will not die. She and her team have tried absolutely everything but, given a few minutes to rest up, Jason just sits up and gets going again, so they’ve had to come up with a backup plan. Since he’s too stubborn to die the next best thing to do is freeze him in cryogenic stasis until some new way of killing him can be devised. This would have worked just fine had the military not tried to take Jason to conduct research on his amazing healing abilities, at which point he just kills the entire platoon. Rowan, being a clever female, manages to trick / shoot Jason into the stasis chamber but, when he slices through it, the chemicals leak and the lab goes into containment mode, freezing Rowan along with Jason.

The world needs more robots like this.

Flash forward to the year 2455 and Earth is in a bit of a sorry state. The Blue Marble is nothing more than a giant dust storm completely incapable of supporting life. Humanity, in order to save their collective asses, have moved to another planet, the originally named Earth II. Every now and then they seem to send a little team of people back to the original Earth to dig around and see if they can find anything useful to take back and show off. On this particular little mission the team, headed up by Prof. Lowe, comes across the Crystal Lake research unit where Jason and Rowan have been in a comfortable hibernation for over 400 years. When KM 14, the sexiest computer of them all, tells the team that Rowan can be revived if they move quickly they do an immediate evac to the ship, taking Jason along as well. He’s completely dead, so what harm can he do?

We love premarital sex!

To give credit where credit’s due, Jason will not waver from his little mission to brutally murder anyone and everyone in sight. He didn’t even need the little electronic ants to fix him, he just needed to defrost for a bit before continuing his little rampage. And let’s be honest, rampaging is just more fun on a spaceship. Apart from the usual blood and gore being thrown around my personal favourite part of this movie is KM royally beating the crap out of Jason and then blowing is head clean off his shoulders. I can offer no reasonable explanation why, but it makes me giggle every time. Then of course there’s the total badass that is über Jason after the wee ants use part of the ship to put him back together.

How anyone can fail to see the awesomeness in this movie escapes me, but I suppose it really just depends on what blows your skirt up.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • Ugly bastards don’t like being made to stare at an old blanket.
  • In the future government officials will eventually come to their senses and outlaw hockey.
  • Any woman taken from a cryogenic pod and revived in space is technically single.
  • Women assume that brutal mass murderers are hung like mammoths.
  • Emotions cloud a robot’s ability to work out statistics.
  • Nothing gets a girl a good grade like a bottle of cheap wine and a pair of heavy-duty nipple clamps.

JASON X TRAILER

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Virus X

Year of Release: 2010
Genre:  Horror / Sci-Fi
IMDB Rating: 2.6 / 10
Level of Awful: High
Breast-O-Meter: 0 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

There’s nothing quite like a movie made to capitalise on the general populace’s fear in the face of a worldwide swine flu pandemic. There’s also nothing quite like a movie made to capitalise on the general populace’s fear in the face of a worldwide swine flu pandemic that fails miserably at its objective. A note to the director: in order to make this kind of movie, where the fate of humanity itself hangs in the balance and our future rests in the hands of a few brave scientists, there needs to be an atmosphere of tension. We need to care that humanity might be wiped out. We shouldn’t be bored to the point where the swine flu seems like the easier option than sitting through the remaining bit of the movie. Just a thought – use it, don’t use it.

I do creepy and I do it well!

It’s a well-known fact that women with enormous mansions, wild ambition and a bank balance greater than that of some third world countries often dream about world domination as a means of further increasing their social profile. Danita Herrington is no different, and she has one doozy of a plan up her sleeve. She’s hired Dr Gravamen, one of those dark and brooding doctors, and is paying him exorbitant amounts of money to develop a particularly strong strain of the H1N1 virus that she can release on the world. As the infection takes hold and people begin to panic she’ll miraculously come up with the cure and be hailed as a hero to all mankind whilst making a tidy little profit on the side. Not that she has delusions of grandeur or anything.

Typical woman! It's always 'I have a headache' or 'I'm dying of mutated swine flu'.

Danita’s not exactly thrilled with the good doctor’s work, however. With test subjects only dying in a period of 26 days or so she’s pushing him to come up with a much faster and crippling strain. To help shift the project along he hires Malcolm Burr, a blonde and studly doctor with a peculiar looking face. A brilliant man with a lot of field experience, Burr thinks he’s being brought on board to help develop vaccines against swine flu. His field experience exposed him to people dying deaths that look more like they contracted the Ebola virus than swine flu and he’s determined to do his best so that no one else should ever have to suffer a death like those he’s seen. He’s also the only person to question the good doctor’s methods of deliberately mutating H1N1 samples to create particularly virulent strains of the virus without concocting antidotes for them, something that the rest of the staff find nothing strange with.

Oh dear God, no! Not the tragic irony!

Of course this whole plan falls to shit when one of the human guinea pigs decides to make a break for it. As a hooker she’s experienced in taking on groups of men and easily overpowers the hired goons and the good doctor’s creepy assistant with the synthesized voice. After climbing through one of the air ducts and into the main lab where the staff are relaxing she’s shot in the head by the creepy assistant. As jets of blood shoot all over the room the various members of staff are exposed to the latest H1N1 strain, forcing the good doctor (who’s been watching everything through the lab’s hidden camera system) to put the facility on lockdown to prevent anyone with the virus from escaping. As the crew become more and more sick and the doctor uses this as one great opportunity to test of the strength of the new strain our poor, trapped Dr Burr must do what he can to either cure himself and his fellow captives or find a way to break the lockdown and escape.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • There’s nothing like a nice bubble bath with champagne, strawberries, soft music and live video stream to a tortured human guinea pig to wind down after a long day.
  • Doctors must do what they are paid to do, even if it violently breaks the Hippocratic Oath.
  • The best way to stop aggressive viral mutations is to beat nature to it and mutate the virus yourself.
  • A single door really isn’t enough security to keep a prisoner with a deadly virus safely contained.
  • There’s no real rush to make vaccines for the horrible viral mutations you produce.
  • The ‘ladies first’ rule can only be ignored when climbing through air ducts.
  • It is necessary for every doctor to have a very creepy, white-haired lackey.
  • Doctors and their creepy, white-haired lackeys should always have a strongly homoerotic relationship.

VIRUS X TRAILER

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