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Bikini Girls on Ice

Year of Release: 2009
Genre: Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 3.2 / 10
Level of Awful: Surprise!

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Well, I’m shocked. With a name like Bikini Girls on Ice and an IMDB rating of 3.2 I really thought that I was in for a rough ride with this one but once I got beyond my disappointment that there wasn’t an ice rink involved I actually started to enjoy the movie. It isn’t good in the same way that Hatchet or Trick ‘r Treat are good movies, but rather it is good in the sense that, as slasher movies go, it actually delivers the goods. Rather than a good b-grade movie that brings some level of foolishness to the table Bikini Girls follows a tried-and-tested formula that works. Is it big budget? No. Does it have the best actors? No. Does it really matter? No, it’s girls in bikinis. If you’re looking to kill an hour and a half and looking for some blood and boobs then Bikini Girls on Ice is for you!

Mini advises that 5 scantily clad females be used for the most effective car wash.

So we begin our story as so many have before when a sorority of some sort is involved: head bitch Lena wants to have a car wash to raise money for something. Obviously when all you have is bitchiness and boobs you need to use your limited talents in the most effective way possible and to do this she enlists a bunch of other girls to run around in nothing but a bikini with her and wash strangers’ cars in the most seductive way possible. Lena doesn’t have to do much work because, as mentioned, she’s a bitch with boobs and knows a jockish virgin named Blake who will run around after her like a little puppy dog in the vain hope of getting her to have sex with him. Admittedly she could probably just lick her lips in his direction and it would get the job done, but I digress. Along for the ride is Tommy, Blake’s more down-to-earth friend who can drive a bus, and Jenna and Sam, two non-bitchy but still hot-in-a-bikini friends.

Oh yeah, it's that time of the month...

When the bus everyone is riding in breaks down outside an abandoned gas station and will take several hours to fix, the girls decide to set up shop where they are and begin flagging down customers. They’ve got a fantastic trade going on, but a creepy old man who looks like a homeless version of Santa has driven by to warn Jenna and Sam that something isn’t quite right at this gas station and that car lights can be seen going into the parking lot but never leaving again. Thinking the man is mad and that they have nothing to fear from an empty building with 100 freezers full of ice the girls go about their day washing cars and one another in soapy, slippery bliss. But of course the gas station isn’t abandoned: lurking in its many rooms and basements is a deranged mechanic named Moe who has some serious anger issues and releases some of his pent-up frustrations by taking the nearest blunt object to the back of people’s heads.

Warning: Toy dogs were harmed in the making of this movie.

As the day wears on, several girls and two French tourists go missing and most of the other girls decide to walk to the beach, Lena, Sam, Jenna, Tommy and Blake decide that it’s time to pack up and go home. That was, at least, until Lena told Blake she’d have sex with him, he pulled the bus round the back and was then replaced with a dead dog. While looking for Blake the rest of the group finds a bunch of cars parked round the back, most with their owners’ possessions still in them. When a disagreement between Sam and Lena breaks out and Sam beats Lena to the floor in the most amazing bitch fight I’ve seen in a movie in ages everyone goes their own way to try to find a phone and Blake. When Blake manages to call the main phone in the office and get hold of Lena the stupid cow, assuming that his warning of a grisly death to come is a joke, rips the wire out the phone so that it won’t work. Meanwhile Moe is busy stalking about in the night picking the girls off one-by-one and everyone needs to try to find a working car and a group survival instinct if they intend to make it back home in one piece.

Blood and guts and boobs and butts and I thoroughly recommend it 🙂

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • Slutty bitches will always take advantage of a sweet, jockish virgin.
  • Jockish virgins will always stupidly believe what the slutty bitch is promising him.
  • Old men love to regale scantily clad girls with stories from their youth.
  • Girls think a sledge-hammer can fix a broken bus engine.
  • For $5 extra not only will you get your car washed but one of the girls will have sex with you.
  • Beware the non-bitchy hot girl in a bikini – she packs a mean punch.
  • Nobody thinks that a dead dog on a bus with the driver missing is even slightly odd.

BIKINI GIRLS ON ICE TRAILER

Death On Demand

Year of Release: 2008
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 3.3 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium

THIS POST CONTAINS STRONG ADULT CONTENT

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

I was determined to break the recent spate of so-so horror movies that I’ve been watching (Flu Birds provided a nice little respite) and stumbled upon this little gem. Death on Demand is perfect b-grade horror: college jocks, slutty co-eds, bicurious emo nerds, ghosts, abandoned houses and a so-so storyline to tie it all together. It’s a little bit slasher, a little bit mystery, a little bit softcore porn. There’s nothing at all original about the movie and the horror aspect really only serves as an excuse for women to run around topless and in leather skirts, but if you’re a fan of that kind of thing and a good b-grade piece of cheese, Death on Demand is just for you!

Porn star Ouija Board delivery at your service!

20 years ago father-of-two Sean McIntyre went off the rails and murdered his sherpa while on a hiking trip up Mount Everest. Delusional with altitude sickness he mistook the sherpa for a Yeti and brutally murdered him in what he believed to be self-defense. Back at home thing’s aren’t going much better for him: troubled by the unintentional murder and slowly losing touch with reality he snaps during a Thanksgiving dinner and murders his wife, 2 daughters and his mother-in-law before hanging himself. 20 years later college student Richard Sachs is planning on having a little fun on Halloween. In a manner very similar to Halloween: Resurrection (minus the iconic Michael Myers) Richard is setting up the old McIntyre house with cameras and daring 3 couples to stay in it on Halloween night with the winning couple winning a $5000 reward. ‘Cause nothing can go wrong when you spend Halloween in a house that was the scene of a tragic mass murder, right?

So, do you just wanna talk or....?

So into our little haunted suburban house wanders Darla and Biff, our sympathetic and likeable couple. What Darla does with her life is left unanswered but what we do know is that she’s handy with a pack of Tarot cards and knows her way around a Ouija board. Biff is a likeable jock who’s recently been kicked off the local college team and is taking part in the webcast in hopes of winning the money to replace his scholarship. Our second couple is Tammy and Brad, the standard muscles and no-brains combo. Tammy is blonde, constantly horny and protective of her man in a Jerry Springer, white trash kinda way. Brad, big and jockish, is having problems in the bedroom after he took a direct hit from Biff during a game. To round the group off is Haydn, an emo nerd with lesbian tendencies who speaks out of her nose. Her partner couldn’t take part in all the fun so in her place is Velvet Luv, a porn star who’s not shy of anything. Richard offered her a $500 bonus for anyone she manages to have sex with. You know, to liven things up a little.

Breast cancer awareness was taking a strange turn at this point...

The rules of the game: each couple will be given different clues scattered around the house and the first couple to find all the clues and find the key to the front door wins the $5000 prize. But it’s Halloween and they’re on the internet and there’s a porn star in the room so, to liven things up, the group whips out a Ouija board and conjures up the pissed off spirit of Sean McIntyre. Still in the confused state he was in when he died the remarkably solid spirit begins to roam around the house looking for the Yeti that’s determined to stop him from reaching the peak of Everest. Armed with all the necessary ice climbing equipment he manages to make quick and gruesome work of the kids he comes across. Of course it’s quite easy to find a victim when they handcuff themselves to the bed and make loud and strange comments while banging in the bathroom. Can Darla use the small print in hell’s contracts of the damned to save the group? Can Velvet keep herself in her top for more than 5 minutes? Can Richard break even on this little venture with his group being killed off one by one? All will be revealed by watching Death on Demand.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • Sherpas are only 4 feet tall.
  • A simpler name for a Ouija board is a Talking Board.
  • Ghosts are completely solid and subject to pain like normal humans.
  • Say ANYTHING bad about a man’s penis and he’ll think you’re calling him gay.
  • Webcasts will bring out everyone’s homoerotic fantasies.
  • Lesbian sex will bring an entire campus together in a way that nothing else could.
  • Ghosts see things in a kind of greyish blue.
  • Everyone on a football team is stone-cold gay. Porn stars are doing their best to fix this.

DEATH ON DEMAND TRAILER

Dead Boyz Don’t Scream

Year of Release: 2006
Genre: Horror / Comedy
IMDB Rating: 3.9 / 10
Level of Awful: High

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Here at the B-Horror Blog I’m a firm believer in equal rights for all. What struck me, however, was that while I was updating the Crypt I began to think that this blog was falling short of this fundamental principal: movies here have focussed on the presence of breasts and female nudity to such an extent (see here, here, here, here, here, here and here)  that I began to worry that I was perpetuating the belief that it’s alright to objectify women. Now I had two options to try and rectify this situation: I could either find a movie where a team of super-attractive women (a doctor, a lawyer, a brain surgeon and a social worker) work together to solve murders without any of them getting killed. Finding such a movie would have been an impossible task so I decided to go with option two: find a movie that objectifies men to such an extent that it balances everything else out in one go. And I think I’ve succeeded! Dead Boyz Don’t Scream (‘boyz’? cuz these pimps are gangsta like that…) is a delightful softcore homoerotic porno in a horror movie’s veil. I’m incredibly happy that this movie balances out my previous female objectifications, because I’m not sure if I could handle this much penis in one go again any time soon…

So here we have some of the plot...

So, the movie. It’s not much of a movie to be honest. It’s delightfully trashy in it’s execution. The basic story starts with Tess, an agent for a select threesome of straight and overly studly (seriously, who goes to gym that much?!?) male models. I’m sure they had names but they escape me. It’s really not that important anyway. The main model that seems to protect the 2 and a half brain cells that the guys share has a friend coming into town and good lord is she slutty! 2 drinks later and she decides to go home with two of the three models (her friend doesn’t seem interested) and a photographer the guys know. When the foursome gets a little out of hand and the chick decides to call it a night the photographer lands up being thrown over the balcony railing into evening traffic by an unknown intruder. To punish the models for misbehaving and getting a good photographer killed Tessa sends them away to a ranch with no cellphone signal to work on a naked cowboy photo shoot until interest in the sex scandal dies down a little.

This is a major plot point right here...

So now we’re at a ranch somewhere in the mountains with no cellphone reception (why does nobody think that this has ‘bad idea’ written all over it?). Our three main guys are joined by The Poodles, supposedly the absolute must-haves in the male modelling world. The Poodles must be gay given their title, as well as a couple of some sort given that they seem to like feeling one another up. They are completely vapid and genuinely do seem to share a single brain cell with one another given that they say the same word (just one) at the same time and don’t seem to recognise a world outside of their iPod. What I found disturbing in this is the fact that they also seem to be brothers – they look alike, they speak alike and they are referred to as having the same parents. I’m not sure which subset of people this relationship is aimed at but the incestuous vibe was just creepy (which in turn makes it the only scary thing in this entire movie 🙂 ).

And, finally, the last important piece of the storyline.

Right, so now we have three studly straight men and two studly incestuous brothers running around this ranch with no clothing on (full frontals everywhere and quite long-lasting) being photographed. The problem comes in when main straight guy (I wanna say Christian – could be the name) gets angry at Tessa for bringing along her lesbian lover Belle van Dyke (I shit you not). It would appear that, back in the day, Christian (?) and Tessa had a thing and his ego can’t take the fact that she’s now into girls. He stalks into the night after beating up his one friend a little and things start to go awry for the group. A killer is stalking the ranch and bumping off our muscled crew one by one (not very convincingly, but doing it none the less). It now falls to our resourceful lesbians to find everyone, try and stop them from bickering with one another and somehow get everyone down off the mountain before they all land up dead and naked.

Who the killer is won’t surprise anyone, although the reasons behind it are a little out of the ordinary. This is by no means a traditional horror movie but rather a use of the horror genre to justify having 7 men running around naked (in the cold by the looks of things) for just under 80 minutes. That said, I feel I have now done my bit in furthering the cause of equal opportunity objectification 😀

No acting skills. No pants. No shame.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • Softcore porn = art
  • You should only avoid fully nude photographs of yourself when you’re starting your career, not once you’re an established model.
  • Douche lords are remarkably protective of their slutty friends when she’s about to have a gangbang with his equally douchey friends.
  • Wearing nothing but cowboy boots and a hat and hanging on one another is a great form of male bonding.
  • Straight men in nothing but their underwear are very whiny in each other’s company.
  • An agent’s worst nightmare is having male models running around in the woods with horny bears.
  • Hit hooter once for noise, twice to stop.

DEAD BOYS DON’T SCREAM TRAILER

Black Devil Doll

Year of Release: 2007
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 4.2 / 10
Level of Awful: Requires Post-Film Lobotomy

THIS POST CONTAINS STRONG ADULT CONTENT

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Sweet baby Jesus what just happened? I apologise profusely to Bad Biology for every bad word I said about it because this is so, SO much worse. I came across this movie after reading a review for the original Black Devil Doll from Hell over at The Deadly Doll’s House and thought that it sounded just too good to be true. After doing a little research and not wanting to rip off another blogger’s good work I put every film-finding skill I had into hunting down this piece of crap, a very loose remake of the 80’s original. I say loose because, judging from what I’ve read, the original had a storyline of some sort with some evil doll sex thrown into the mixture. THIS movie, however, is something else entirely. It’s quite remarkable that one movie can be so disgusting and so offensive to ABSOLUTELY everyone that anyone can walk away from it feeling insulted. In a nutshell it’s and hour and a bit’s worth of softcore porn veiled in a b-grade horror movie disguise. But since it’s my mission to watch some of the worst horrors out there I give myself a pat on the back for making it all the way through this one.

How to truly and effectively wash your car.

Heather, our rather busty lead, is bored. After flipping through a bunch of channels and finding nothing interesting on other than cock socks for sale and some guy named Mubia Abul-Jama being electrocuted for the murder of 15 Caucasian women (emphasis on Caucasian – this becomes Heather’s big word of the day and, like any child who’s learned something new, will say it every chance she gets), she decides to play with a Ouija board to pass the time (as so many of us do). As often happens at the stroke of midnight when serial killers are being executed the Ouija board vomits up the soul of Mubia and places it in the very Caucasian dummy (if Heather can say it a thousand times so can I 🙂 ) and transforms it into a very black dummy. Within instants of talking about his various sadistic murders Heather falls madly in love with Mubia and the two begin a very strange and graphic relationship with one another.

You know your friends aren't listening to a word you say when...

Despite the beauty of their relationship any man (as we are told) will eventually get bored and begin to show some interest in other women. Mubia decides that he needs to spread himself around a little more but promises that Heather will always be his #1 bitch and, enjoying his more tender side, Heather promises (after having the crap beaten out of her) to call some of her equally slutty Caucasian friends and have them come over so that Mubia can take advantage of them. After devising their cunning plan (not really – you don’t need a cunning plan when every female character has a bag of frozen peas for a brain) Heather’s friends Natasha, Candi, Buffy and Bambi pull up with breasts thrusting and proceed to dance and wash their car in a very seductive manner before coming inside. After some chitchat and feeling one another up Heather keeps to her end of the deal and goes to McDonald’s where she will eat her weight in burgers while Mubia satiates his lust with, on, over, under, on top of and next to her friends.

Deals made when experiencing the after glow never tend to work out well...

Of course, as the saying goes, once a serial killer, always a serial killer. Stemming from his lack of self-esteem at having become a dummy Mubia decides that he will have to kill Heather’s friends before having sex with them for fear of having them reject him. This is a relatively simple process in a house full of pointy counter tops where every woman is naked and, for one or other reason, oiled up and incredibly slippery. As a lesson to us all, however, the movie does teach us that even when being chased and hunted by a demonic doll if a guy pulls his pants down any woman will go weak at the knees and grant him his every sexual desire. We also learn that once these desires have been met a demonic doll will kill you and make a human pyramid on the Twister board that’s lying in the living room. As her friends are bumped off one-by-one and Heather eventually gets home after clearing out McDonald’s supply of food she is understandably upset that Mubia took it a step further than she had agreed to by killing her friends instead of just having sex with them. It is now up to our busty heroine to put a stop to his rampage of sexual terror once and for all.

A note to myself: If, in the future, your reasoning behind watching a remake is ‘now that we’re in 2011 standards have relaxed and there’ll be more obscenity and gore in it’, please take a moment and think about what you’re doing.

THINGS I’VE LEARNED:

  • All answering machine messages should be made in your best porn star voice.
  • Along with magazines every coffee table should have a Ouija board on it.
  • Saying ‘nigger’ 100 times a day is a very romantic gesture and will make Caucasian women fall madly in love with you in moments.
  • Nobody thinks having sex with a doll is odd.
  • Nobody can distinguish between a midget and a ventriloquist’s dummy.
  • When you get out of a car you should always do a XXX-rated version of the Pussycat Doll’s ‘When I Grow Up’ dance routine.
  • A car isn’t clean unless it’s been washed with breasts.
  • It is quite common for women to check the quality of their boob jobs by fondling one another.
  • A game of twister inevitably leads to some lesbian experimentation.
  • Women should always pull their breasts out before shooting a demonic doll.
  • A regular hand pistol holds, on average, 372 bullets.

Black Devil Doll Trailer

 

Halloween Night

Year of Release: 2006
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 4.2 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Two things drew me to this movie: firstly, I’m a sucker for any movie that involves a bunch of teenagers having a party in the middle of the woods where help can’t get to them fast enough and, secondly, after my last run in with The Asylum I wanted to see what they could do when they’re supposedly not trying to rip off another movie. Now despite being released just before Rob Zombie flushed Halloween down the toilet, having a movie poster that is reminiscent of the original Halloween poster, a storyline that is kind of modeled on that of Michael Myers, an irritating Halloween-esque theme tune and people littered around in Michael Myers-ish masks, this movie was surprisingly fun. The acting is so-so, the story is so-so, the effects are so-so and there are boobs everywhere; in short it’s the perfect b-grade horror movie!

Michael Myers training camp for the murderously gifted.

10 years ago young Chris Vale witnessed his parents being attacked and his mother brutally murdered by two armed masked men who don’t know he’s also in the room because he’s hiding under a table. Unfortunately when he tries to make his getaway his mother also decides to make one last attempt at living and, when the intruders shoot her, they also manage to shoot a pipe close to where Chris is now hiding. Steam shoots out of the pipe and leaves Chris horribly burnt and disfigured. Chris is put away in a mental institution following the incident because he was found with the bodies of both of his parents when the police eventually decide to rock up. 10 years later, having now actually gone insane after being bullied by his carers, Chris manages to kill the two guards in charge of keeping him under control and escapes the institution and begins the journey back home to try and figure out what exactly happened on the night that his mother was murdered.

A Woman's Period: Too Much, Too Soon

At exactly the same time that Chris is escaping the mental institution David Baxter, his girlfriend Shannon and a bunch of their friends are planning a Halloween party in a little house in the middle of the woods to celebrate their upcoming graduation. When luck’s not on your side, however, you land up hosting your Halloween party in the same house that the escaped lunatic wants to come home to to look for clues about his dead mother. To make matters even worse David and his buddies pull a prank at the party that lands up having Shannon not wanting to talk to him and, because very few people were in on the joke, police were called to the house only to find out the emergency was actually a false alarm. Safe to say the police won’t be taking anyone at the house very seriously for the rest of the night and, as the evening wears on and people begin to go their various ways, Chris makes his way through the party hacking at anyone who gets in his way.

Excuse me ma'am, you've got something in your eye...

The highlight of this movie for me was a scene that will make you look at lesbians in an entirely different light. For the entire movie there have been breasts falling out of bras and more nipples on display than in a Red Light District, but after working his way through the house Chris is beginning to run out of victims. Angela and Kendall have just consummated their love and are basking in the afterglow when Chris bails over the balcony to come after them. Now Chris has managed to butcher people left, right and center with absolutely no resistance being put up from anyone. Angela, despite being completely naked with nothing but a sheet close to hand, proceeds to beat the living crap out of him. There are punches, kicks and beatings amongst many other impressive little moves, and all while maintaining her hair and without smudging her makeup at all.

The movie is by no means good and suffers from convoluted dialogue and subplots that are introduced and quickly forgotten but I would highly recommend it to anyone who just feels like sitting back and watching a mindlessly entertaining cheesy horror film, if for no other reason than to see the grossly disfigured Chris Vale have the shit beaten out of him by a gorgeous lesbian.

THINGS I’VE LEARNED:

  • Crouching over slightly makes it impossible for people to see you.
  • Hardcore rockers should be baby-faced and clean-shaven.
  • Helicopter searches in dense woods are best conducted at night.
  • When deciding what to wear to go and look for the killer it’s best to choose something short and busty.
  • Phones ring even after they’ve gone to voicemail.
  • Policemen have to show people a photo of the hideously disfigured escaped lunatic to see if they’ve seen him.
  • After seeing the photo people will then go and confuse the baby-faced rocker with the hideously disfigured escaped lunatic.
  • Lesbians taste like tuna.
  • An automatic car is so simple to drive that even an escaped deranged lunatic can master driving in 5 minutes.
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