Wicked Lake

Year of Release: 2008
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 3.1 / 10
Level of Awful: High
Breast-O-Meter: 4.5 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Well it wasn’t a Witch’s Sabbath so far as the Breast-O-Meter was concerned but it really did give it its very best shot. Wicked Lake is one of those extremely rare films that not only is horrifying in terms of its plot and execution, but also makes you (or at least me) feel incredibly uncomfortable while watching it. It’s possible the writers or director had some really kinky fetishes that they felt absolutely had to be incorporated into the movie but personally the combination of lesbian lovin’ and torture porn is a difficult one.

So there's a whole lot of this going on...

Our dear movie starts off with a perfect example of the ever popular ‘awkward moment’. We’re in a (community) college of some sort where Ilene is busy posing nude for an art class. Caleb, a very awkward student in a very flamboyant pink shirt and jeans so tight you can tell his religion, begins to fantasise about Ilene doing a little dance for him in the middle of class. Petrified by his own fantasy he runs out the room and waits for Ilene in the parking lot. What follows is some awkward standing around followed by an equally awkward walk back to Ilene’s place. When they get there Caleb shows Ilene a picture of a unicorn he drew in class and she, in turn, whips out one of her breasts for him. Their awkward moment is interrupted by one of Ilene’s friends who walks out the door at that point and Caleb runs home crying.

The first reincarnation is always the hardest.

As with this movie in general weirdness must be followed by even more weirdness so next we are shown a little sneak peek into Ilene’s home life. She lives with her three friends Mary, Helen and Jill. Now, these girls are incredibly close in a constantly-naked-and-licking-one-another kind of way. All four of them share in a little sex before hopping in their car and heading away to a little cabin in the woods for the weekend. Elsewhere we are introduced to Caleb’s family. At some point his parents died and his brother took over looking after the family. This brother is strange and likes to make out with Caleb, the other brother’s clearly more than a little touched in the head and their uncle is in a wheelchair and seemingly addicted to a cocktail of pain medications. Since Caleb came home late from college that day (the family doesn’t support him going to college) everyone is angry. Caleb’s not the most articulate character you’ve ever seen to begin with and this altercation with the family really doesn’t make things any better. After disappearing and coming back with no pants and a different pink shirt he tells everyone that he knows how to make up for his bad behaviour.

This is going to leave minor bruising...

The plan to make up for his behaviour, of course, involves going up to the cabin, holding the girls at knife point and having them perform a variety of humiliating acts on the strange clan of men. How Caleb knows where this cabin is is an entirely different story that we, the audience, are not privy to. We are then subjected to about 15 minutes of ass slapping and puke wiping before the movie decides that it wants to take a left turn into a completely different genre. When the full moon comes out something happens to the girls: they gain animal-like strength and growling noises. These things lead to the very obvious conclusion that these girls are werewol… I mean witches. 1000s of years old witches. A coven of lesbian witches. And now they’re going to fight back and show the boys just how mean they can be. This will involve a lot of biting, gallons of fake blood and a lot of licking blood and taking human fleshing out of one another’s mouths. Thrown in there for good measure are two cops constantly smoking weed trying to hunt the girls down after discovering their underground stash of bodies. Who will make it out alive? I can’t say, but be prepared for an incredibly strange torture method involving a giant black dildo.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• $20 an hour is the going rate for posing nude.
• Posing nude is better than waitressing or giving blowjobs to strangers.
• Women will just let awkward hipsters fondle their breasts in the driveway.
• College is something to be tolerated, but definitely not supported.
• Lesbians, in a group context, are known to participate in synchronised sexing.
• Little girls who don’t answer strangers’ questions go to hell.
• Some witches are incredibly forward thinking and concerned about environmental issues.
• Calling for necessary reinforcements is for TV cops and pussies only.

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Witch’s Sabbath

Year of Release: 2005
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 3.6 / 10
Level of Awful: High
Breast-O-Meter: 10 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Wasn’t sure that the Breast-O-Meter was actually going to be able to handle this movie. The many rats and hamsters that keep the machine going were just about to give up on life but thankfully the movie ended just before their little hearts could give out. It really was just 85 minutes of boobs and breasts and jugs, oh my! In amongst this breast-induced haze I do seem to recall that there was some form of a plot tying all these breasts together, although to be honest you really can’t expect an awful lot from a movie with Comic Sans credits.

For the Bible sayeth, 'Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live in a neon house!'

Alright, let me see if I can remember how to put the pieces of this movie back together. The movie begins with two fools looking for a party that some random female invited them to in a neon house on the top of a suburban hill. Despite the fact that they are the only guests, the neon house is creepy as hell and it has a butler that can’t speak, walks funny and is wearing a leather mask, the two go against their better judgement in the hopes of having sexual relations with a woman that evening. The one guy seems to have some semblance of a brain and insists that they don’t eat or drink anything they’re offered, but when a foursome of buxom women offer to take them into a dungeon all common sense goes out the window. These women are witches and for the life of me I can’t remember the names of the three lesser ones. I do remember that they are led by a woman named Auriana, the breastiest witch of all. As they say, one thing lead to another that night and before the men knew it their heads had been ripped off their bodies and burned as an offering to some malevolent being.

That awkward moment when a witch mistakes herself for a vampire.

Now of course there’s a very clever reason for all the beheadings going on. This particular coven of witches is dedicated to the worship of a very unspecific and vague anti-God and they need to sacrifice 666 souls to him. The deadline for the sacrifices? Halloween (aka All Hallow’s Eve, aka The Devil’s Night). See? I told you the people behind this movie were clever. So now the witches need an extra clever and subtle way to lure people into their dungeon to sacrifice to this Grey Lord. They decide to go for the most obvious solution and open a very loud strip club called Sin n Skin with a very angry bitch at the door and a very classy clientele of Hell’s Angels rejects. Now in this club there are many, many breasts of varying sizes and silicone content, but the very best incident comes when a policeman goes undercover and tries to arrest one of the witches for prostitution. Not one to go down lightly (pun intended) she rips the man’s arm off and beats him to death with it. Auriana is less than impressed because now the man can’t be sacrificed (something about quality standards) but young witches do tend to get carried away, so you can’t stay mad forever.

The glue that holds the movie together.

Now the plotline that’s desperately trying to hold this movie together like a pair of elastic pants involves Damian (I think) and Eliza and their two friends whose names also escape me. Whatever their names are Damian (?) and Eliza have been together for a while and Eliza’s pissed that Damian’s been going to Sin n Skin. The only obvious solution to this is for Damian to drag Eliza to Sin n Skin and show her just how classy a place it is. Damian’s buddy (possibly one of the biggest douchebags horror has yet to produce) and Eliza’s friend tag along for the ride. Once they get there one of the witch strippers is on the pole and her and Eliza connect in an otherworldly way involving flashbacks that make no sense and are never explained. After the show the four are invited back to the neon house for a party and the beginning of the movie basically runs through itself again, just with different people. Will the four survive? Well, I can’t tell you that. But know this: THERE WILL BE BREASTS!

As a final thought, one of the best parts of this movie involves a cameo by Ron Jeremy as a bible salesman called Craven Moorehead. Craven Moorhead. See? Really clever and witty people were involved in the making of this movie.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Following a beheading witches will often make out with the head.
• A real man is always prepared to knock on a door.
• Real men enjoy beer, chicken and porn before noon.
• ‘Hgrrrrrrrrr’ has a wide variety of meanings.
• Witches have kaleidoscope vision.
• A good Satanic chant requires excessive breast fondling.
• Strip clubs are notorious for doubling up as witches’ covens.
• Satanic sacrifices come with a lot of rules and regulations.
• Some people just aren’t paid enough to be torn apart in a Satanic ritual.
• Witches have an amazing false prophet radar.

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The Slaughterhouse Massacre

Year of Release: 2005
Genre:  Horror
IMDB Rating: 2.5 / 10
Level of Awful: High
Breast-O-Meter: 2 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

I’ve watched many a bad movie in my time, but rarely do you come across a movie as sneaky as this one. I actually saw this one a few years ago, quite a bit before I started this blog. I thought of reviewing it when I just started everything up but couldn’t remember it well enough so I left it. One day is one day and I’m getting ready for a b-movie evening when I come across a movie called Sickle in one of my little boxes of discount horror and decided to give it a watch. Turned out to be this movie under a different name. Sneaky little hobbitses! Unlike a fine wine I actually think this one got worse with time, but let me first describe it to you and then you can decide whether you’d want to give this one a spin.

It's never like they describe it in the Mills & Boon novels...

As with any slasher we need a little back story to get us going so we first need to go back 10 years in time. A rather slutty girl has decided to drag her boyfriend out to the strangely remote slaughterhouse to have a little fun. For some or other reason the idea of having sex right next to the spot where chickens are de-feathered is just too damn arousing for her and her purple velvet thong to resist so, despite some objections from the boyfriend, they make their way inside anyway. Of course, just because the slaughterhouse is out in the middle of nowhere doesn’t mean that it’s abandoned; if b-movies have taught me anything it’s that the exact opposite is usually the case. This is the slaughterhouse of Marty Sickle (apt name), a man who doesn’t take kindly to college kids having sex near his chicken bath. To take care of the problem he stabs the guy in the back while the two are going at it and then has his way with the girl. The girl then summons every jock she can find to lynch Marty and get back at him for what he did. The legend of Marty Sickle then passes into local folklore…

Lives will be lost, plastic heads will roll...

More to the point the story makes its way into the minds of a group of dumb jocks and even dumber bimbos. These are your typical first year college students who are somewhere in their mid-30s but trying to look a lot younger than they actually are. Feeling that good grades aren’t all that necessary in life they decide to have a party before some of them go on to the old slaughterhouse for some silly fun. What this movie then tries to teach you is that all you need for there to be a party are a few loose women prepared so experiment with their sexuality in front of a group of strangers. This is just as well, because the party doesn’t have an awful lot more going for it (who keeps a TV on the floor?) After panning around the room for about 20 minutes the director eventually decided that it was time to get on with the main point of the movie and it’s off to the slaughterhouse we go!

I had a similar look on my face after watching this movie.

Much like the tale of Bloody Mary the legend goes that if you go to the exact spot where Marty Sickle died and mutter a little rhyme a few times his ghost will come back from the other side and go after anyone who dares to enter his old domain. This is jumping the gun a little since there is a very crucial point that needs to be made about this movie. Filmed on a budget of $250 000 there clearly wasn’t a lot of money available for a decent space to actually do the filming. To counteract this the actors move from room to room and scene to scene at an agonizingly slow rate. When they actually do summon the ghost of Marty Sickle back they even try to escape from him at the same rate. The only reason that they don’t die very quickly is that Sickle himself moves at a snail’s pace, but to be fair he has been dead for 10 years so the others really don’t have an excuse. The question of course is that when you yourself walk like a geriatric and you’re being chased by a ghost whose speed and stealth are the equivalent of a pregnant hippo what are the chances of this little group of friends and lovers making it out of this situation alive?

Apart from the horrifyingly slow pace that this movie moves at I’m glad I (re)watched it because it was enough to give the Breast-O-Meter a good try out without overloading it on its first go 🙂

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• It is possible to smoke weed for 48 hours straight and feel very few side effects.
• Women who can’t find their boyfriends routinely go into occupied bathrooms to see if he’s there.
• The police still refer to weed as ‘wacky tobacky’.
• Ghosts are remarkably solid.
• After your boyfriend sacrifices himself so that you can escape the best plan is to run back into the haunted building.
• A combination of wearing silk underwear and being pregnant virtually guarantees your survival during a ghost attack.
• The number of deaths resulting from bleeding ankles is tragically underestimated.

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Andre The Butcher

Year of Release: 2005
Genre: Horror / Comedy
IMDB Rating: 4.4 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

When the main drawing card in any movie is a famous male porn star one has to stop for a second and wonder whether or not they’re getting themselves into something that they’d rather not. So I pondered it over, looked through what else I had to watch, checked it out on IMDB and eventually decided that I’d go for it. Turns out that, in addition to Ron Jeremy, it also has cheerleaders, a dirty old man, topless sunbathing, crude jokes, escaped convicts, lesbian experimentation and the strangest use for a homemade batch of chilli I’ve ever seen. In short it’s brilliant, funny and trashy.

Why no officer, there's nothing sexually suggestive going on here...

Cheerleading regional finals are about to begin and we’re about to be dragged along for the ride! We align ourselves with the Beavers, a group of cheerleaders made up of 3 girls and 1 guy with a dream of making it big in professional cheerleading circles. What’s nice is that all of their names match their stereotype perfectly: there’s sex-crazed Cookie, big girl Kristy (aka Kristy Kreme), good Christian girl / closeted lesbian Jasmine and studly but not-too-bright Jimbo. While out on the road their greatest rivals overtake them, throwing food at the car and waving around insulting banners. When the car carrying the rivals breaks down it provides a perfect opportunity to 1) get out and taunt them, 2) offer to help like good people would and 3) beat the crap out of your opponent when they’re rude to you. With this done the Beavers head out on the road again but, being bored, Jimbo needs a little distraction to keep him awake while driving. Thankfully Cookie’s not the kind of girl to turn down a man who needs her special brand of helpfulness and she gladly obliges and while this does help to keep Jimbo awake it also means he closes his eyes and rolls his head around a lot, which isn’t necessarily the best thing to do while driving. Next thing you know the car’s plowed into an electric pole and there’s no cellphone signal anywhere so the Beavers need to start walking to try and find a phone of some sort before their dreams of being in the finals are dashed.

How sweet, he's pointing us in the right direction.

With this being a horror movie the Beavers thankfully don’t have to walk very far before they come across a rundown old house in the middle of nowhere which is seemingly vacant with a phone that doesn’t work. While this is inconvenient the house does seem to be reasonably well stocked with bottles of water and freshly made meat dishes for Kristy Kreme to tuck into. With the mad rush to get to the cheerleading finals apparently gone Jimbo and Cookie attempt having sex on an old bed before being interrupted by Jasmine. It’s decided then that Jimbo will head back to the car to wait for help while the girls hang around and tan. Kristy decides to go along with Jimbo, leaving only Jasmine and Cookie in the house. After a quick tanning session the girls settle down to discover their sexuality through a conversation about the difference in taste and texture of vienna sausages and a tin of peaches. Their little escapade is cut tragically short when two escaped convicts from the apparently nearby prison burst into the room looking for a place to hide out. Turns out our two escapees, Hos and Tober, aren’t really all that bad because when the local sheriff tries his luck with Jasmine Hos beats the crap out of him.

Will somebody please just kill this poor man?

Oh right, before I forget: the killer. The eponymous Andre the butcher is the owner of the creepy old house in the middle of nowhere and it serves as his base of operation. When he’s not watching old reruns and eating pieces of himself he enjoys long walks around the grounds killing the surprisingly large amount of people who happened to be making their way through his territory. His killing style is simple: a good aim and a variety of cleavers and knives stored around his person. Of course when a group of young and attractive creatures make their way into his house something needs to be done about it but at least he’s thorough in his approach and takes his time to make sure the job is done both properly and brutally. But when a killer comes after you with such terrifying force and a creepy grin on his face the Beavers will need to figure out exactly why it is he’s after them and how exactly they go about killing a man who can sew his own arm back on after it’s been blown off with a shotgun.

If you’re in the mood for a really entertaining and trashy movie, I strongly recommend getting your hands on a copy of Andre the Butcher.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Wars between rival cheerleading gangs quickly become both personal and violent.
• Eyeballs are delicious in a smoothie.
• When trying to find help it’s important to be as big an asshole as possible.
• Spaghetti dinners are what keep prisoners from escaping.
• Women who refuse to eat viennas inevitably turn out to be lesbians.
• Fat girls are easily lured by a doughnut on a string.
• God provides bullets for those in need.
• Every woman dreams of having a knight in shining polyester come to her rescue.

ANDRE THE BUTCHER TRAILER

Piranha 3D

Year of Release: 2010
Genre: Horror / Comedy
IMDB Rating: 6 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Better late than never! I had every intention of going to see this movie when it came out last year but for some reason just never got round to it. It’s a bit of a pity because the 3D would’ve added an extra little touch to this bloody boob fest. I remember watching the original Roger Corman version and its sequel many years ago and really enjoyed them, and since remakes / reinterpretations have not filled me with hope recently (Halloween, A Nightmare on Elm Street), I was a little sceptical going into this. It’s by no means a good movie; in fact it’s absolute trash. But it’s trash in the best way: there are boobs everywhere, completely over-the-top gore, two guest starring porn stars and an ensemble cast of people you vaguely recognise.

It's tragic when incontinence sets in at such an early age...

Our story takes place at Lake Victoria, Arizona during spring break. Off in the distance, away from the frolicking college co-eds, a local fisherman is enjoying a relaxing day of sunshine and a dozen beers. Today’s clearly not his lucky day because, just when he manages to land a fish, he spills his beer overboard. When the beer hits the bottom of the lake the sheer force of it seems to create an earthquake that splits the lake’s floor wide open (it may be coincidence that the two things happened at the same time, but I’m not entirely sure). This rift creates a whirlpool that begins sucking everything into it, including the fishing boat and about 100 lawn chairs that somehow found their way to the bottom of the lake. Unfortunately, in addition to sucking things in, the rift also lets something out: thousands upon thousands of hungry, nasty, angry piranhas. Having been trapped in a subterranean lake for however long these little fishies are hungry for some new food, and they make short work of the fisherman before beginning to spread out towards the party goers.

Tell me to 'just keep swimming' one more time and you're gonna get it!

In amongst the crowd of slutty females and drunken jocks (the youth of today, I tell you…) the important people are as follows: Sheriff Julie, her eldest son Jake, her younger kids Laura and Zane, Girls Gone Wild-esque film maker Derrick, Jake’s crush Kelly and Derrick’s main ‘actresses’ Danni and Crystal. Derrick has made Jake an offer he can’t refuse: he needs a local to show him all the hot spots in town where he can film girls at their most uninhibited and, in return, Jake can watch the girls at their most uninhibited. To cramp his style somewhat his mother has asked him to babysit his brother and sister while she tries to keep the college kids in order and find out why they’ve only managed to find half of the missing fisherman. As any red-blooded 17-year-old would do Jake agrees, bribes his siblings to stay home and takes off with Derrick, Crystal and Danni. As any unsupervised child would do Laura and Zane take the money, ignore instructions and take off onto the lake in their canoe. Their plan doesn’t pan out when they don’t tie it up properly and become stranded on an island, all blissfully unaware of the man-eating fish swimming through the lake.

♫ My heart will go OOOOOOOOOONNNNNNN! ♫

After a group of seismologists, sent in to investigate the subterranean lake beneath Lake Victoria, are eaten Sheriff Julie manages to capture one fish and take it to a friend of hers who specialises in studying piranhas (apparently). He concludes that these piranhas are meant to be extinct and must have survived under the lake for over 2 million years by cannibalising one another (surely this would shrink the gene pool considerably, but anyway). When Julie tries to evacuate the lake nobody takes much notice of her or her colleagues and, instead, start diving into the lake. Sadly this is roughly when the fish decide to turn up for lunch and what follows is the most spectacular, gory, disgustingly enjoyable scene of mass panic that includes a woman being scalped when her hair gets caught in a boat’s engine blades, a stage falling into the water and another girl breaking in two as she is carried out of the water. In amongst all this Julie must try and save Jake, Laura and Zane from a smutty, smutty boat while trying to avoid being eaten herself and attempt to rid her lake of these little beasts before tourism and property values begin to plummet.

It’s hardly faithful to the original, the piranhas are actually secondary to the breasts on display and I don’t recommend watching this after a bolognaise dinner, but it’s trashy watching at its absolute best.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• When scared of being eaten alive people just break apart.
• Economic considerations should be weighed against the possibility of tourists being eaten alive by fish.
• Being the sheriff’s son means that smutty directors will always do your bidding.
• Piranha eggs glow in the dark.
• Science has proven that when women skinny dip together, operatic music will begin echoing from the depths.
• Breasts moving at high speeds underwater contort in the most amazing ways imaginable.

PIRANHA 3D TRAILER