Goth

Year of Release: 2003
Genre: Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 3.4 / 10
Level of Awful: High
Breast-O-Meter: 3 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

You really have to love those amazing horror movie collections you can find at your nearest grocery store. They lurk at the very depths of the bargain movie bins and you just never know what you’re going get, but whatever it is you know it won’t be good. Goth comes from just such a collection. Made on a shoe-string budget with a hand-held home video camera and actors who look like they’re freshly flunked out of drama school, this movie goes to show just how evil some directors can be. IMDB’s little blurb tells us that “Goth blurs the boundaries between reality-driven horror and the hallucinatory style of Requiem for a Dream…” It really doesn’t. It may blur the boundaries between reality and insanity (in a ‘I can’t believe I’m watching this crap’ kind of way), but any pretence that this movie attempts to follow in the heels of a well made film is an utter joke. I am proud of myself for watching it, however, because Tropical Mary, Stygian Mole and the Occult Specialist had to turn it off when they watched it together, proving once and for all that I am very hardcore 🙂

Goth, spelled G-A-Y C-L-U-B.

Come along and join us for an evening of gothic delights. Meet Crissy, the most girl-next-door goth you’ll ever meet. Crissy doesn’t say much in the beginning, but that’s because when she opens her mouth nothing but weird shit comes out. She’s going out with her boyfriend Boone, who’s gothic in a gay hipster kind of way. They’re super excited to be going to a concert at the local hell hole (note to the director: 20 drunk emo high school kids in a bar does not a concert make) where they’ll take an assortment of drugs, drink absinthe and have a generally gothic good time. While at the club Crissy meets her newest BFF, Goth. That’s her name: Goth. Why? Because she’s goth. I make the point that Goth is a goth because the movie itself likes to drive this point home every bit as emphatically. Goth is trying to find other goths who are as goth as she is. After saving Crissy and Boone from being mugged Goth gives the pair a drug called White Light and the party really begins to get underway.

Like, OMG! We’re, like, so TOTALLY goth right now!

After accepting a strange drug in a skull container from a complete stranger named Goth Crissy and Boone seem surprised to find themselves waking up in a strange van miles away from the club they started out at. Goth’s van is very goth, with skulls all over the place and a variety of drugs just littered about in old pizza boxes. Now the reason for this minor kidnapping is that Goth wants to see just how goth these two new goths are. This is because there are apparently two types of goths: goths like Goth, who are more akin to Satanists than anything else, and goths that are really just angsty teenagers who wear a lot of black. Goth has several goth rules that all goths should live by, and tonight will be a goth test to see if goth Crissy and goth Boone can be every bit as goth as Goth. You following me? Good. Thrown in at random intervals amongst all this gothness are several flashbacks to Crissy with her sister in a decidedly less goth fashion, just to keep you in suspense.

Mmm, AB negative, my favourite!

The evening begins to take a bit of a downward turn (or a turn for the better, depending on how goth you really are) when Goth decides to go all goth on people and telling Crissy that she needs to kill some people and that Boone needs to have sex with fat hookers. Why? Because that’s the goth thing to do. In essence what Goth is actually getting at is that you need to behave like a petulant child with a sharp knife, but somehow defining this as ‘goth’ will make it a lot more hardcore than it really is. Boone has his reservations about all this, but apparently Goth threatening to kill a room full of hookers is enough to change his mind. Crissy doesn’t question anything and is all game to go along for the ride, timidly chastising Boone whenever he cares to voice a thought. But the flashbacks keep coming at us, and it becomes somewhat clear that Crissy has ulterior motives for going along with all this and Goth (and her red pleather mini skirt) will have to watch out or suffer the wrath of a Crissy scorned.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Gothic sex tastes better when you have it on a dirty floor.
• Goths are really leading the peer pressure drive when it comes to taking mysterious drugs.
• Punk gothic dominatrixes are really trippy.
• Be on the lookout for gothic drug delivery vans, coming to a neighbourhood near you.
• Becoming a goth requires more intense training and dedication than becoming a Tibetan monk.
• Having a knife poked in your eye and pleather rubbing against you really isn’t a turn on.
• Being gothic is about experiencing true love and learning to tolerate people from all walks of life.
• Embracing the darkness includes having sex in front of a  gathering of goths and hookers.
• You can’t be a true goth if you attempted suicide and failed.
• A goth lesbian’s vagina is a portal to memories of happier times.

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Kinky Killers

Year of Release: 2007
Genre: Crime / Horror
IMDB Rating: 3.6 / 10
Level of Awful: High
Breast-O-Meter: 4 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

The combination of a title like Kinky Killers and this movie’s DVD cover lulled me into a false sense of security so far as the levels of promised b-grade fun were concerned. It suffers from numerous problems in its execution, not least of which is the fact that the killer is neither the primary focus of the film, nor does he do anything particularly kinky. Other issues include the director’s ‘all over the place’ approach to making the movie, entire scenes where nothing makes sense and entirely different scenes that add nothing to the plot. This is not one of those movies that I would recommend to the truly hardened b-movie fan only; I wouldn’t recommend this movie to anyone. It’s not fun at all, just 85 minutes of non-stop randomness and the occasional display of oddly shaped breasts.

I don’t think I like this game anymore…

How to even try and explain this movie…  Well, the general idea is that a number of blonde victims are turning up around the city with various body parts missing. Along with the affirmatively borrowed body parts each victim also has a mysterious tattoo inked into their skin. Two policemen are assigned to the case, but owing to their general approach of screaming at witnesses and breaking down random doors they don’t really get anything useful out of the people they interview. Throw in several psychologists, a few strippers, many useless bible quotes and the use of big words where it’s painfully clear that nobody understands what the hell they’re saying and you’ve basically got the premise of this movie. I wish I could say more about it, but the plot is just too hopelessly convoluted to do anything useful with it.

Even just recalling it fills me with a mild rage…

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Wives don’t usually want to hear about the gruesomely dismembered bodies their husbands recently saw.
• Part of police protocol dictates that everyone on the force be given enough hookers to have sex with.
• Females lawyers often double up as strippers.
• Police brutality gets cases solved.
• Police are fully within their right to break down a door and handcuff you when they need to ask a few questions.
• Suspects in murder trials have to promise the police that they won’t kill anymore bitches.
• Jesus was crucified in Sodom in Egypt.
• When divorce just won’t do, you need your marriage to be extremely terminated.
• Solving a mystery is easier if you do it while having sex.
• Psychologists can steal a person’s multiple personalities and give them to someone else.

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2-Headed Shark Attack

Year of Release: 2012
Genre: Horror / Action
IMDB Rating: 2.8 / 10
Level of Awful: High
Breast-O-Meter: 1.5 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

OK, I’m gonna put an idea out there and you can all tell me what you think. Four things made this movie standout when I first heard about it: 1) It’s made by the Asylum, 2) its leading ladies are Carmen Electra and 3) Brooke Hogan and, of course, 4) it’s about a giant 2-headed man-eating shark! Now, when one considers all these things, one might expect that this would be a belly full of laughs from beginning to end. One may just be disappointed. Perhaps it’s because I watched it back-to-back with Terror at Blood Fart Lake and nothing was going to compare with the awesome insanity of that movie but this little nautical nightmare just wasn’t as much fun as I was hoping for. Don’t get me wrong, it’s highly amusing to watch, but it just doesn’t have that b-grade x-factor that would let it go down in memory as a totally satisfying experience.

This woman is a doctor.

Now, if I understand this movie correctly (which is difficult since it all just seems so unlikely), Charlie O’Connell is a university professor taking his class out to sea to investigate something or other. What they’re investigating hardly seems important since they can’t even master the use of a compass, so we’re not really expecting them to turn out to be anything spectacular later on in life. He’s accompanied by his wife Carmen Electra, a brilliant doctor who’s dedicated her time to help any wary sailor out and cure whatever it is that may be ailing them. Everything’s going wonderfully until the boat manages to get a dead shark lodged in its propellers, bring the little exploratory expedition to an end. Thankfully there’s an atoll (which isn’t really an atoll) nearby where the group hopes they can salvage some materials to fix the boat.

This woman is the brains of the outfit.

The boat’s been a little bit more damaged than the group initially realises since the shark lodged in the propeller blades soon became a snack for the massive 2-headed mutant swimming around these waters. Being a rather messy and enthusiastic eater the 2-header smashed the boat’s hull and the ship’s starting to take on water and any of the crew members who try to fix it end up mysteriously eaten. Back on the atoll the students are doing there utmost best to be morons and go about being general asses and bitches. Some lesbian experimentation and threesome action comes to an abrupt halt when all concerned land up being eaten (although not in the way the one guy originally intended). Oh yeah, and the atoll’s sinking. The group’s gonna have to hustle themselves and fix the boat quickly before the land disappears from underneath them.

These women are just doing what comes naturally.

Thankfully Brooke Hogan’s here to save the day. Now, it’s not so much that she’s a genius as the rest of the group would lose a spelling bee to an amoeba but, in times of mutant shark attacks and atoll sinkings, one cannot afford to be picky. With her mannish good looks, straw-blonde hair and breasts that are forever threatening to fall out of her bikini, Brooke successfully manages to fix three separate boats AND figure out what’s drawing the sharks’ attention. It would appear that the creature’s two heads make it more sensitive to noise in the water, thus making it rather tricky to escape by boat. With land becoming an increasingly rare commodity and spare students that can be used as shark snacks running out Brooke and Co. will have to find a way of either teleporting off the island, sinking the main boat to send out a distress beacon or pull together a MacGyver-style plan to kill the 2-headed beast.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• It’s better to be safe than someone’s dinner.
• You have no chance of surviving at sea without a long, pointy stick.
• An all-over tan requires that a woman’s breasts be thrust forward at all times.
• Women are constantly on edge, just waiting for a man to dare them to strip naked.
• A woman only gets a limited number of chances to be a lesbian in her lifetime.
• Being eaten by a shark is not the ideal way to get a threesome going.
• Good quality lighters will continue to work even after being submerged for hours at a time.
• A small metal net and half a barrel of gas is all you need to electrocute the entire ocean.

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100th Review: Bikini Bloodbath

Year of Release: 2006
Genre:  Horror / Comedy
IMDB Rating: 3.3 / 10
Level of Awful: High
Breast-O-Meter: 3 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

It’s a special moment here at the B-Horror Blog 🙂 I’ve been doing this for just under a year now and this is my 100th review. To mark this special occasion I knew I had to go back to b-movie basics; I needed a movie that was not only bad but, in the tradition of true b-horror movies, was made with no budget, people who couldn’t act and had many, many breasts in it. Bikini Bloodbath just sounded like it would fit all of the above criteria, and boy did it ever. When the opening credits state that it was written and directed by ‘Who the Fuck Cares’ you just know it’s going to be bad. But it’s the good kind of bad in that it’s mindless and daft and you just watch the screen and marvel and the stupidity of the characters as they parade around in their bikinis trying not to be killed while keeping their blood alcohol content as high as possible.

Yeah, sure you are.

So we begin our bikini-laden misadventure at the local high school for late-20-somethings. All the girls are part of the school’s volleyball team and are busy getting in their final practice while being gently molested by their lesbian coach. With practice over our group of vapid females head off to the shower to wash one another off and throw used tampons at Suzy, the girl no one likes for reasons unknown. In amongst all of the scrubbing of backs and intense breast hygiene the girls decide that they should all get together that night for a final sleepover before they graduate highschool. Once they go off to college they worry that they won’t see one another again, so they really want to make this evening count and have many happy memories to guide them through the bleak years of adulthood. Only problem with all this? There’s a killer on the loose. The chef from one of the town’s favourite eateries lost it and killed most of his staff before making a run for it and is still on the loose. We know he’s close because he manages to kill one of the girls while she’s walking through the woods to get home. So let’s recap: half a dozen drunk, perky females in a house on their own in nothing but their bikinis and a killer on the loose. Yeah, what could possibly go wrong here…

A very lesbian death scene.

Not to be outdone by the women the football jocks decide that they’re gonna have their own party, and what unfolds is one of the most bizarre things I have ever seen in a movie. Clearly the area isn’t rich in the more common manly jock that we are familiar with from other movies, so instead we have a more special group of people to deal with. Most of them also appear to be at that stage in their life where they want to experiment with another guy just to see what it would be like. Twister is played, streamers are strewn, ice cream is eaten, the football coach fondles a few of his players and really uncoordinated dances are danced. The girls are pretty much up to the same thing, except they also have daiquiris and are in nothing but their bikinis. Two of the guys decide that they’ve had enough of being groped by their team mates for one evening and head over to the girl’s party for a different kind of fun.

A bible and a big stick will surely defeat this menace!

The boys’ attempts at seducing the girls is brought to an abrupt halt, however, when our killer rocks up on the scene. It all began with a throat slashing and quickly deteriorated into an evening of bloodshed as the chef makes his way through the scantily clad little group. His job is made all the easier owing to a complete lack of common sense on his victims’ part. The first issue the group must contend with is Suzy, who was not invited to the party, and as such the other girls don’t feel she has any right to either be there or contribute to the escape plan. The second issue that needs to be dealt with is when one of the girls offers to make a run for it and go get the police she insists she must make a stop off on the way to grab some tacos. This inevitably slows down the rescue process. The third and final issue is that, lacking any idea of how to make it out of the house alive (although the killer is in the house), the group instead decides to make more daiquiris and get hammered. This slows down their reaction time when they need to do battle with the killer. All in all, it was a very interesting party to be at.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Women will clap for virtually anything.
• Women enjoy being sexually harassed by their lesbian gym coaches.
• Sometimes walking through a cemetery and then some dark woods is the quickest way to get home.
• Homeless people smell like cheese.
• If you weren’t invited to the party you can’t be allowed in to be saved from a killer.
• If you weren’t invited to the party you can’t contribute to any plan that would involve saving everyone.
• The Bible can be used as a weapon against a murderer.
• Pro Crack Whore is now a viable career choice.

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Camp Blood

Year of Release: 1999
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 3.3 / 10
Level of Awful: High

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

*sniff sniff* What’s that? It smells like home… Aah yes, it’s a killer clown movie! A long time has passed since I last saw this dear old friend of mine and it felt about time for a visit. Of course when you want to do a catch up with someone you need some time to yourselves to chat and relax in each other’s company so I thought, ‘why not go camping?’ Of course, Camp Blood is beautiful at this time of year: the trees are in bloom, the birds are singing and the forest is teeming with life. It’s quite rustic, there aren’t any cabins and certainly no electricity, but thankfully it comes with its own killer clown built-in and fully operational. So let me tell you how this old friend of mine is doing…

Ronald McDonald after a bad McNugget binge...

Since it’s been such a long time since I last saw my friend the killer clown movie I had completely forgotten just how rough he can look sometimes. Not to say that he isn’t still scary looking (perish the thought), but the way he was put together in this particular instance was quite unsettling. Sometime between our last meeting and now his budget was slashed tremendously and the only way that he could be made was by some fool with a handheld camera and a few friends who had a free weekend. Sitting there watching him regale me with his story I felt a little bit queasy, not only because the camera was going a little all over the place but also because everything seemed to have either a slight green or yellow tinge (I must remember to pick something up for him so he can sort that out). After getting over that I was also struck by how old my friend the killer clown movie was looking in this particular manifestation since, although he was only born in 1999, he looked like he was brought into this world sometime in the mid-80s. I didn’t mention any of this to him since I thought it might bring down the mood of our little camping session, and nobody wants a sad killer clown movie crying over his toasted marshmallows, but I was feeling sorry for my friend even before he revealed his plotline to me.

Even in death my boobs are amazing!

After our toasted marshmallows me and my dear friend the killer clown movie sat down under the stars while he told me about this very bad plotline that he was being saddled with. In the very beginning, before the main plotline kicks in, we are briefly introduced to a guide and what I’m taking to be a nerdy tourist walking along the trails of Camp Blackwood, the official name for the area that the locals have dubbed ‘Camp Blood’. Suddenly, and for no apparent reason, a sex scene breaks out and our two minor characters are going at it as best they can while still wearing pants. After a beautiful love-making session of soft moans, delicate music and gentle caresses, the camp’s resident psychopath in a clown mask comes out from the undergrowth and proceeds to hack the two to pieces with his machete. Two hunters will come to the same fate while they attempt to hunt some deer to add to their trophy collection. At this point I can see that my friend the killer clown movie is a little embarrassed by what he’s telling me, so I decide that it’s time for some steaming hot chocolate to soothe our souls.

Time to hug it out and make up for the bloodshed.

With the hot chocolate finished we retired to our tent and began delicately spooning one another. Feeling that he was in a safe place my friend the killer clown movie began opening up to me about his main plotline. A group of 4 friends have decided to take a little camping trip up to Camp Blackwater to get away from it all. Along the way (well, after becoming lost and needing directions) they happen across a somewhat crazy town local (by definition I thought this meant that there needed to be a town nearby, but apparently I’m wrong) who warns them not to go near the old campsite because of The Clown. Not believing that some man is running around in the forest killing people they set off anyway and, once arriving at the camp and going wandering in the woods, they meet up with their burly lesbian guide who will show them how to get around and where to find the best place to get in touch with nature (i.e. have sex). During a campfire session involving ghost stories the guide expands on the old man’s story about The Clown, informing us that he is actually just a man who went a touch insane and killed two innocent people. Again the group doesn’t believe the story but, when they wake up in the morning to find the guide dead and a clown chasing after them, they need to pull all their wits together to try and make it out of Camp Blood alive.

We awoke the next morning in a gentle embrace to see the sun coming over the mountains and a single bird perched in a tree branch. My friend the killer clown movie seemed to be happier having gotten all of that off his chest and, after a long breakfast where we discussed the intricacies of life and Lady Gaga’s medical condition, we decided to head back to civilisation. I told him that I wasn’t sure when I would see him again but that, no matter what happened or how many b-movies I watched, he would always have a special place in my DVD collection.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Forest sex is best done half-clothed with a piano and flute instrumental in the background.
• Locals in small towns are always foul-mouthed lunatics.
• Memories are usually repeated over a megaphone.
• Why wait for a guide when you can go into strange woods blind?
• Lesbian camping guides are very heavy-handed with their customers.
• Heavy foreplay is often a sign that a woman just wants to cuddle.
• After sex women like to sleep in their bras and jeans.
• When helping an injured person walk you should always support the leg that’s working fine.